Authors: John Naish
It certainly worked for Baden-Powell, the war hero who wanted to be a boy for ever, and thought that if he ever married, it would be to ‘a sort of girl Peter Pan’. In his fifties, he met Olave, who proved to be just such a sturdy mate. He was first attracted to his bride when he spotted her strutting manfully
down a London street. If Baden-Powell was in fact gay it remained strictly suppressed. What we can be sure of is that he could not be bothered with any of that messy sex nonsense. Perhaps Olave agreed. She seems not to have minded that her husband, having reluctantly consummated the marriage, subsequently took to sleeping out on the balcony.
But Baden-Powell’s most graphic warning of the dangers of masturbation had to wait 96 years before finally landing on our bookshelves. In the original manuscript of his biggest-selling book,
Scouting for Boys
, he sought to warn his youthful troop how he had ‘seen boys as young as 12 years, or slightly more, in insane asylums from excesses of this kind’. The first draft included two pages of warnings as to how the insidious evil of Onanism could cause heart problems and diseases that rotted away men’s mouths, noses and eyes, ruin sex organs and lead to insanity. ‘You all know what it is to have at times a pleasant feeling in your private parts, and there comes an inclination to work it up with your hand or otherwise,’ suggested Baden-Powell. ‘Well, lots of fellows, from not knowing any better, please themselves in this way until it often becomes a sort of habit with them which they cannot get out of. A very large number of the lunatics on our asylums have made themselves ill by indulging in this vice although at one time they were sensible cheery boys like you.’
But in 1908, his publisher, C. Arthur Pearson, and the printer thought the content obscene and a row ensued with Baden-Powell. Eventually the printer
won the argument simply by stopping his presses until Baden-Powell gave way. The passages were only reinstated nearly a century later after a historian discovered the tracts and restored them to a 2004 reprint – which was sadly far too late for any aged former scouts still shakily wandering the corridors of the world’s insane asylums.
How to Conceive
He shoots, he scores
Guide to Pregnancy
, by Italian physician Michele Savonarola (15th century)
In order to enter, the man must give many caresses ... and consider the readiness of his wife; then, he must move in and out, in this way he will succeed. Then he must attempt to release all his sperm in one burst, not in dribbles, nor must he raise or lower himself, as is commonly done for pleasure, but instead remain fixed in the hole so that the air cannot enter and corrupt the seed.
Look out of the window, check your watch and diary
Fang Nei Chi
(
Records of the Bedchamber
), Sui Dynasty (
AD
590–618)
A child conceived during daytime will be given to vomiting.
A child conceived at midnight, when the interaction of Heaven and Earth is at a standstill, will either be mute, deaf or blind.
A child conceived during a solar eclipse will either be burned or wounded.
A child conceived during thunder or lightning, a time when Heaven in its anger displays its might, will easily develop mental troubles.
A child conceived during a lunar eclipse will be persecuted by an ill fate and so will its mother.
A child conceived when there is a rainbow in the sky will be exposed to ill fortune.
A child conceived during the summer or winter solstice will bring harm to its parent.
A child conceived on nights of the waxing or waning moon will be killed in war or blinded by the wind.
A child conceived during intoxication or after a heavy meal will suffer from epilepsy, boils and ulcers.
The 16th day of the fifth moon is the day when Heaven and Earth mate. On this day one should refrain from sexual intercourse. Those who offend against this taboo will die within three years.
Turn yourself over ...
Marie Stopes,
Married Love
(1918)
The position of the mouth of the womb and the relation of the vaginal canal may be such that the spermatic fluid tends to be lost without any of it penetrating the orifice of the womb itself. To overcome this, it is often sufficient for the woman to turn over directly the act of union is complete and lie face downwards for a few hours.
... and stay still
Lucretius,
On the Nature of the Universe, Book IV
Women are thought to conceive oftener when on all fours, because the organs absorb the seed better when they are lying on their breast with loins upraised. Nor do our wives have any need of lascivious movements; for a woman can hamper conception if in her pleasure she thrusts away from the man’s penis with her buttocks, making her body floppy with sinuous movements. She diverts the furrow from the straight course of the ploughshare and makes the seed fall wide of the plot. These tricks are employed by prostitutes to avoid getting laid up by pregnancy and at the same time making intercourse more attractive to men. But obviously our wives do not need any of this.
Cross your legs
Nicholas Venette,
The Mysteries of Conjugal Love Reveald
(1703)
After the act of copulation, the woman should take rest and, if it be possible, not make water for some hours. When she rises from bed, let her not do anything to disquiet herself, but walk gently up and down.
Gather yellow things and avoid dirty books
Su-nu-miao-Lun
(
Admirable Discourses of the Plain Girl
) (Japan, 1592–1596),
rehashed from Chinese works (c.
250
BC
)
The Emperor asked: ‘But what methods can those childless couples employ yet to obtain children?’
The Plain Girl answered, ‘The way to have offspring is to bring first both yin and yang in complete harmony. One’s clothes and the coverlets and pillows of the couch should all be made of yellow gauze or silk [yellow was thought to be the colour of the fertile earth]. Then on an auspicious day when according to the almanac, sun and moon are in conjunction, the man should write the day and hour on which he was born, and also those of his wife, on a tablet of pine-wood and place that on the couch.
‘Moreover, on the third day of the ninth lunar month he should take a piece of wood from a peach tree [symbolic of women’s genitalia and of fertility in general], the branches of which grow in an easterly direction, and thereon write his name and surname and those of his wife, then insert that piece of wood in the canopy of their couch.
‘Then, on the third or fourth day after the woman’s menstruation, the couple should bathe and burn incense, and pray to the spirits of heaven and earth. Only after these preparations may they ascend the couch and unite themselves. At that time the woman’s womb is not yet closed and she shall conceive.
‘The couple should keep their minds pure and free from all sorrow. They should not engage in accessory sexual play, not partake of aphrodisiacs and not look together at albums of erotic pictures. If they offend against these rules, both the parents and their unborn child shall be harmed.’
Hot food and drunkenness
Albertus Magnus,
De Secretis Mulierum
(
The Secrets of Women
) (
c.
1478)
Note that if the womb and intestine of a hare are dried and pulverized they become very hot, and similarly a pig’s liver is hot in itself, and these will generate heat sufficient for conception. This should be eaten by her in the end of the menstrual period, because the womb is dry in this time, and somewhat hotter than usual because of the retreat of menstrual cold.
There are also other experiments. Let a woman take the herb camphor in a pulverized form and drink it with wine and she will conceive. If the urine of a man is drunk, it will impede conception. If she takes powder made from the vulva of a hare mixed with liquid honey, and adds a bull’s heart, slowly bringing this to a boil, and consumes this during one week at a particular time of day, then she will conceive.
The woman ought to eat good, hot foods, and she should become a little inebriated and should be well massaged, and she should take care that her elevated legs do not cause the semen to spill out, so that she
immediately exerts effort to retain it, and sleeps right afterward; in this case without doubt she will conceive.
It’s all about timing
Nicholas Venette,
The Mysteries of Conjugal Love Reveald
(1703)
The eggs are best fecundated when a woman is nearest the time of her courses, by reason of the greater porosity of her womb and testicles, whereby the seminal air is the easier received into the eggs ...
The morning appears to be the more proper for generation: for after a man has agreeably diverted himself with his wife and has taken a little nap after his lawful pleasures, he soon repairs what losses he has had and quickly cures the weariness he has brought upon himself in love. Then he rises and goeth about his ordinary concerns, his wife continuing some while a-bed, to preserve the precious charge he hath entrusted her with.
Who’s firing blanks? His’n’hers test
Anon.,
The Treasury of Natural Secrets
(Italy, c 16th century)
Pour barley seeds into two pots.
The man urinates in one, the woman in the other.
Then place the pots in a humid place for ten days.
The pot that fails to germinate points to the infertile partner.
Shoot with the right or left
Nicholas Venette,
The Mysteries of Conjugal Love Reveald
(1703)
From the right testicle cometh the male, and from the left, the female.
Goat’s hair and donkey milk
Albertus Magnus,
De Secretis Mulierum
(
The Secrets of Women
) (
c.
1478)
Let her place a goat’s hair in the milk of a female donkey and let her tie this around her at the navel while she has sexual intercourse with her husband, and she will conceive.
Avoid indigestion
Michele Savonarola,
To Ferrara Women on Care during Pregnancy and of Newborns to Their Seventh Year
(Italy, late 1400s)
Know that your table wine and similar things that are hard to digest impede impregnation with a male child, because indigestion makes the seed cold and useless. For similar reasons, avoid tinctures, herbs, fruit, fish, crustaceans and other cold and moist foods; eating them will turn your seed female.
Gaze at brave men
Giovanni Marinello,
Medicine Pertinent to the Infirmities of Women
(Italy, 1563)
Hang masculine paintings on the wall, so the woman’s mind is filled with thoughts of brave men, and that’s what she’ll conceive.
Lie on your right side
Aristotle’s Works, Containing the Masterpiece. Directions for midwives, counsel and advice to childbearing women, with various useful remedies
(London, c. 1860)
In the cavity of the womb there are two cells, or receptacles, for the seed, divided by a line running through the midst of it. In the right side of the cavity, by reason of the heat of the liver, males are conceived; and in the left side, by the coldness of the spleen, females. Most of our moderns hold this as an infallible truth.
- and for a girl
The best time to beget a female is when the moon is in the wane, in Libra or Aquarius.
Put your hand down there and pray
Perfumed Garden
of Sheik Nefzaoui (16th century), translated into English by Sir Richard F. Burton
If anyone placing his hand upon the vulva of a woman that is with child pronounces the following words, ‘In the name of God! may he grant salutation and mercy to his Prophet (salutation and mercy be with him). Oh! my God! I pray to thee in the name of the Prophet to let a boy issue from this conception’, it will come to pass by the will of God, and in consideration for our lord Mohammed (the salutation and grace of God be with him), the woman will be delivered of a boy.
Pregnancy tests
Aristotle’s Works, Containing the Masterpiece. Directions for midwives, counsel and advice to childbearing women, with various useful remedies
(London, c. 1860)
Keep the urine of the woman close in a glass for three days and then strain it through a fine linen cloth; if you find small living creatures in it, she hath conceived.
Or-
Take a handsome green nettle, put it into the urine of the woman; cover it close, and let it remain a whole night. If the woman be with child, it will be full of red spots on the morrow; if she is not, it will be blackish.
Or-
At night on going to bed, let her drink water and honey, and if afterwards she feels a beating pain in her stomach and about the navel, she has conceived.
Or-
Throw a clean needle into the woman’s urine, put it into a basin and let it stand all night. If it is covered with red spots in the morning, she has conceived, but if it has turned black and rusty, she has not.
Unhealthy mother? Knit with pink wool
Perfumed Garden
of Sheik Nefzaoui (16th century), translated into English by Sir Richard F. Burton
If the woman remains always in good health from the time that her pregnancy is certain, if she preserves the good looks of her face and a clear complexion, if she does not become freckled, then it may be taken as a sign that the child will be a boy.
The red colour of the nipples also points to a child of the male sex. The strong development of the breasts, and bleeding from the nose, if it comes from the right nostril, are signs of the same purport.
The signs pointing to the conception of a child of the female sex are numerous. I will name them here: frequent indisposition during pregnancy, pale complexion, spots and freckles, pains in the matrix, frequent nightmares, blackness of the nipples, a heavy feeling on the left side, nasal haemorrhage on the same side.
Boy or girl?
Aristotle’s Works, Containing the Masterpiece. Directions for midwives, counsel and advice to childbearing women, with various useful remedies
(London, c. 1860)
The woman breeds a boy easier and with Less pain than a girl, and is more nimble. The male child is first felt by her on her right side, for male children lie on the right side of the womb. The woman, when she riseth up from a chair, doth sooner stay herself upon her right hand than her left.
The bellie lies rounder and higher than when it is a female. The right breast is harder and more plump than the left, and the right nipple redder. The colour of a woman is not so swarthy as when she conceives a girl. The contrary to these are signs of the conception of a female.
If the circle under the right eye is of a wan blue colour, be more apparent and most discoloured she is carrying a boy; if the marks be most apparent in her left eye, she carries a girl.
Let a drop of her milk fall into a basin of fair water, if it sinks to the bottom, as it drops in, round in a drop, it is a girl; but if it be a boy, it will spread and swim on the top.