Pygmalion and Three Other Plays (Barnes & Noble Classics Series) (20 page)

RUMMY
(screaming at him from the loft]
You lie, you dirty blackguard ! Snobby Price pinched it off the drum wen e took ap iz cap. I was ap ere all the time an see im do it.

BILL Wot! Stowl maw money! Waw didnt you call thief on him, you silly old mucker you?

RUMMY To serve you aht for ittin me acrost the fice. It’s cost y‘pahnd, that az.
[Raising a pœan of squalid triumph.]
I done you. I’m even with you. I ve ad it aht o
y—[BILL snatches up SHIRLEY’s mug and hurls it at her. She slams the loft door and vanishes. The mug smashes against the door and falls in fragments.)
²⁹

BILL
[beginning to chuckle]
Tell us, ole man, wot o‘clock this mornin was it wen im as they call Snobby Prawce was sived?

BARBARA
[turning to him more composedly, and with unspoiled sweetness]
About half past twelve, Bill. And he pinched your pound at a quarter to two. I know. Well, you cant afford to lose it. I’ll send it to you.

BILL
[his voice and accent suddenly improving)
Not if I was to starve for it. I aint to be bought.

SHIRLEY Aint you?Youd sell yourself to the devil for a pint o beer; ony there aint no devil to make the offer.

BILL
[unshamed]
So I would, mate, and often av, cheerful. But she cawnt buy me.
(Approaching BARBARA.]
You wanted my soul, did you? Well, you aint got it.

BARBARA I nearly got it, Bill. But weve sold it back to you for ten thousand pounds.

SHIRLEY And dear at the money!

BARBARA No, Peter: it was worth more than money.

BILL
(salvationproof]
It’s no good: you cawnt get rahnd me nah. I dont blieve in it; and Ive seen today that I was right. [
Going.
] So long, old soupkitchener! Ta, ta, Major Earl’s Grendorter!
[Turning at the gate.]
Wot prawce Selvytion nah? Snobby Prawce! Ha! ha!

BARBARA
[offering her hand]
Goodbye, Bill.

BILL
[taken aback, half plucks his cap off; then shoves it on again defiantly]
Git aht.
[BARBARA drops her hand, discouraged. He has a twinge of remorse.]
But thets aw rawt, you knaow. Nathink pasnl. Naow mellice. So long, Judy.
[He goes.]

BARBARA No malice. So long, Bill.

SHIRLEY
[shaking his head]
You make too much of him, Miss, in your innocence.

BARBARA
[going to him]
Peter: I’m like you now. Cleaned out, and lost my job.

SHIRLEY Youve youth an hope. Thats two better than me.

BARBARA I’ll get you a job, Peter. Thats hope for you: the youth will have to be enough for me.
[She counts her money.
] I have just enough left for two teas at Lockharts,
^bp
a Rowton doss
³⁰
for you, and my tram and bus home.
[He frowns and rises with offended pride. She takes his arm.]
Dont be proud, Peter: it’s sharing between friends. And promise me youll talk to me and not let me cry.
[She draws him towards the gate. ]

SHIRLEY Well, I’m not accustomed to talk to the like of you—

BARBARA
[urgently]
Yes, yes: you must talk to me. Tell me about Tom Paine’s books and Bradlaugh’s lectures.
³¹
Come along.

SHIRLEY Ah, if you would only read Tom Paine in the proper spirit, Miss!
[They go out through the gate together.]

 

END OF ACT II.

ACT III

LOMAX Youve left off your uniform!

LADY BRITOMART
(warning him in low tones to be careful]
Charles!

LOMAX
[much concerned, sitting down sympathetically on the settee beside BARBARA]
I’m awfully sorry, Barbara. You know I helped you all I could with the concertina and so forth.
[Momentously.]
Still, I have never shut my eyes to the fact that there is a certain amount of tosh about the Salvation Army. Now the claims of the Church of England—

LADY BRITOMART Thats enough, Charles. Speak of something suited to your mental capacity.

LOMAX But surely the Church of England is suited to all our capacities.

BARBARA
[pressing his hand]
Thank you for your sympathy, Cholly. Now go and spoon with Sarah.

LOMAX
[rising and going to SARAH
] How is my ownest today?

SARAH I wish you wouldnt tell Cholly to do things, Barbara. He always comes straight and does them. Cholly: we’re going to the works at Perivale St. Andrews this afternoon.

LOMAX What works?

SARAH The cannon works.

LOMAX What! Your governor’s shop!

SARAH Yes.

LOMAX Oh I say!

BARBARA I expected you this morning, Dolly. Didnt you guess that?

CUSINS
[sitting down beside her]
I’m sorry. I have only just breakfasted.

SARAH But weve just finished lunch.

BARBARA Have you had one of your bad nights?

CUSINS No: I had rather a good night: in fact, one of the most remarkable nights I have ever passed.

BARBARA The meeting?

CUSINS No: after the meeting.

LADY BRITOMART You should have gone to bed after the meeting. What were you doing?

CUSINS Drinking.

LADY BRITOMART What were you drinking, may I ask?

CUSINS A most devilish kind of Spanish burgundy, warranted free from added alcohol: a Temperance burgundy in fact. Its richness in natural alcohol made any addition superfluous.

BARBARA Are you joking, Dolly?

CUSINS
[patiently]
No. I have been making a night of it with the nominal head of this household: that is all.

LADY BRITOMART Andrew made you drunk!

CUSINS No: he only provided the wine. I think it was Dionysos who made me drunk.
[To BARBARA.]
I told you I was possessed.

LADY BRITOMART Youre not sober yet. Go home to bed at once.

CUSINS I have never before ventured to reproach you, Lady Brit; but how could you marry the Prince of Darkness?

LADY BRITOMART It was much more excusable to marry him than to get drunk with him. That is a new accomplishment of Andrew‘s, by the way. He usent to drink.

CUSINS He doesnt now. He only sat there and completed the wreck of my moral basis, the rout of my convictions, the purchase of my soul. He cares for you, Barbara. That is what makes him so dangerous to me.

BARBARA That has nothing to do with it, Dolly. There are larger loves and diviner dreams than the fireside ones. You know that, dont you?

CUSINS Yes: that is our understanding. I know it. I hold to it. Unless he can win me on that holier ground he may amuse me for a while; but he can get no deeper hold, strong as he is.

BARBARA Keep to that; and the end will be right. Now tell me what happened at the meeting?

CUSINS It was an amazing meeting. Mrs. Baines almost died of emotion. Jenny Hill went stark mad with hysteria. The Prince of Darkness played his trombone like a madman: its brazen roarings were like the laughter of the damned. 117 conversions took place then and there. They prayed with the most touching sincerity and gratitude for Bodger, and for the anonymous donor of the £5000. Your father would not let his name be given.

LOMAX That was rather fine of the old man, you know. Most chaps would have wanted the advertisement.

CUSINS He said all the charitable institutions would be down on him like kites on a battle field if he gave his name.

LADY BRITOMART Thats Andrew all over. He never does a proper thing without giving an improper reason for it.

CUSINS He convinced me that I have all my life been doing improper things for proper reasons.

LADY BRITOMART Adolphus: now that Barbara has left the Salvation Army, you had better leave it too. I will not have you playing that drum in the streets.

CUSINS Your orders are already obeyed, Lady Brit.

BARBARA Dolly: were you ever really in earnest about it? Would you have joined if you had never seen me?

CUSINS
[disingenuously]
Well—er—well, possibly, as a collector of religions—

LOMAX
[cunningly]
Not as a drummer, though, you know.You are a very clearheaded brainy chap, Cholly; and it must have been apparent to you that there is a certain amount of tosh about—

LADY BRITOMART Charles: if you must drivel, drivel like a grown-up man and not like a schoolboy.

LOMAX
[out of countenance]
Well, drivel is drivel, dont you know, whatever a man’s age.

LADY BRITOMART In good society in England, Charles, men drivel at all ages by repeating silly formulas with an air of wisdom. Schoolboys make their own formulas out of slang, like you. When they reach your age, and get political private secretaryships and things of that sort, they drop slang and get their formulas out of The Spectator or The Times. You had better confine yourself to The Times. You will find that there is a certain amount of tosh about The Times; but at least its language is reputable.

LOMAX
[overwhelmed]
You are so awfully strong-minded, Lady Brit—

LADY BRITOMART Rubbish!
[MORRISON comes
in.] What is it?

MORRISON If you please, my lady, Mr. Undershaft has just drove up to the door.

LADY BRITOMART Well, let him in.
[MORRISON hesitates.]
Whats the matter with you?

MORRISON Shall I announce him, my lady; or is he at home here, so to speak, my lady?

LADY BRITOMART Announce him.

MORRISON Thank you, my lady. You wont mind my asking, I hope. The occasion is in a manner of speaking new to me.

LADY BRITOMART Quite right. Go and let him in.

MORRISON Thank you, my lady.
[He withdraws.]

LADY BRITOMART Children: go and get ready.
[SARAH and BARBARA go upstairs for their out-of door wraps.]
Charles: go and tell Stephen to come down here in five minutes: you will find him in the drawing room.
[CHARLES goes.]
Adolphus: tell them to send round the carriage in about fifteen minutes.
[ADOLPHUS goes.]

MORRISON
[at the door]
Mr. Undershaft.

UNDERSHAFT Alone! How fortunate!

LADY BRITOMART [rising] Dont be sentimental, Andrew. Sit down.
[She sits on the settee: he sits beside her, on her left. She comes to the point before he has time to breathe.]
Sarah must have £800 a year until Charles Lomax comes into his property. Barbara will need more, and need it permanently, because Adolphus hasnt any property.

UNDERSHAFT
[resignedly]
Yes, my dear: I will see to it. Anything else? for yourself, for instance?

LADY BRITOMART I want to talk to you about Stephen.

UNDERSHAFT
[rather wearily]
Dont, my dear. Stephen doesnt interest me.

LADY BRITOMART He does interest me. He is our son.

UNDERSHAFT Do you really think so? He has induced us to bring him into the world; but he chose his parents very incongruously, I think. I see nothing of myself in him, and less of you.

LADY BRITOMART Andrew: Stephen is an excellent son, and a most steady, capable, highminded young man. You are simply trying to find an excuse for disinheriting him.

UNDERSHAFT My dear Biddy: the Undershaft tradition disinherits him. It would be dishonest of me to leave the cannon foundry to my son.