Pygmalion and Three Other Plays (Barnes & Noble Classics Series) (41 page)

MRS DUBEDAT My husband is.

RIDGEON
[pulling himself together)
Ah, yes: I had forgotten your husband. Mrs Dubedat: you are asking me to do a very serious thing?

MRS DUBEDAT I am asking you to save the life of a great man.

RIDGEON You are asking me to kill another man for his sake; for as surely as I undertake another case, I shall have to hand back one of the old ones to the ordinary treatment. Well, I dont shrink from that. I have had to do it before; and I will do it again if you can convince me that his life is more important than the worst life I am now saving. But you must convince me first.

MRS DUBEDAT He made those drawings; and they are not the best—nothing like the best; only I did not bring the really best: so few people like them. He is twenty-three: his whole life is before him. Wont you let me bring him to you? wont you speak to him? wont you see for yourself?

RIDGEON Is he well enough to come to a dinner at the Star and Garter at Richmond?

MRS DUBEDAT Oh yes. Why?

RIDGEON I’ll tell you. I am inviting all my old friends to a dinner to celebrate my knighthood—youve seen about it in the papers, havnt you?

MRS DUBEDAT Yes, oh yes. That was how I found out about you.

RIDGEON It will be a doctors’ dinner; and it was to have been a bachelors’ dinner. I’m a bachelor. Now if you will entertain for me, and bring your husband, he will meet me; and he will meet some of the most eminent men in my profession: Sir Patrick Cullen, Sir Ralph Bloomfield Bonington, Cutler Walpole, and others. I can put the case to them; and your husband will have to stand or fall by what we think of him. Will you come?

MRS DUBEDAT Yes, of course I will come. Oh, thank you, thank you. And may I bring some of his drawings—the really good ones?

RIDGEON Yes. I will let you know the date in the course of to-morrow. Leave me your address.

MRS DUBEDAT Thank you again and again. You have made me so happy: I know you will admire him and like him. This is my address.
[She gives him her card].

RIDGEON Thank you.
[He rings].

MRS DUBEDAT
[embarrassed]
May I—is there—should I—I mean—
[she blushes and stops in confusion].

RIDGEON Whats the matter?

MRS DUBEDAT Your fee for this consultation?

RIDGEON Oh, I forgot that. Shall we say a beautiful drawing of his favorite model for the whole treatment, including the cure?

MRS DUBEDAT You are very generous. Thank you. I know you will cure him. Good-bye.

RIDGEON I will. Good-bye.
[They shake hands].
By the way, you know, dont you, that tuberculosis is catching. You take every precaution, I hope.

MRS DUBEDAT I am not likely to forget it. They treat us like lepers at the hotels.

EMMY
[at the door]
Well, deary: have you got round him?

RIDGEON Yes. Attend to the door and hold your tongue.

EMMY Thats a good boy.
[She goes out with MRS. DUBEDAT].

RIDGEON
[alone]
Consultation free. Cure guaranteed.
[He heaves a great sigh].

ACT II

MRS DUBEDAT
[as she enters]
Louis will be here presently. He is shewing Dr Blenkinsop how to work the telephone.
[She sits].
Oh, I am so sorry we have to go. It seems such a shame, this beautiful night. And we have enjoyed ourselves so much.

RIDGEON I dont believe another half-hour would do Mr Dubedat a bit of harm.

SIR PATRICK Come now, Colly, come! come! none of that. You take your man home, Mrs Dubedat; and get him to bed before eleven.

B. B. Yes, yes. Bed before eleven. Quite right, quite right. Sorry to lose you, my dear lady; but Sir Patrick’s orders are the laws of—er—of Tyre and Sidon.
^ey

WALPOLE Let me take you home in my motor.

SIR PATRICK No. You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Walpole. Your motor will take Mr and Mrs Dubedat to the station, and quite far enough too for an open carriage at night.

MRS DUBEDAT Oh, I am sure the train is best.

RIDGEON Well, Mrs Dubedat, we have had a most enjoyable evening.

MRS DUBEDAT
[with a touch of shy anxiety]
What did you think of Louis?
Or
am I wrong to ask?

RIDGEON Wrong! Why, we are all charmed with him.

WALPOLE Delighted.

B. B. Most happy to have met him. A privilege, a real privilege.

SIR PATRICK [
grunts
]
!

MRS DUBEDAT
[quickly]
Sir Patrick: are y o u uneasy about him?

SIR PATRICK
[discreetly]
I admire his drawings greatly, maam.

MRS DUBEDAT Yes; but I meant—

RIDGEON You shall go away quite happy. He’s worth saving. He must and shall be saved.

B. B. Certainly, c e r-tainly.

WALPOLE Theres no real difficulty, if only you know what to do.

MRS DUBEDAT Oh, how can I ever thank you! From this night I can begin to be happy at last. You dont know what I feel.

B. B. My dear lady: come come! come come!
[very persuasively]
c o m e come!

 

WALPOLE Dont mind us. Have a good cry.

RIDGEON No: dont cry. Your husband had better not know that weve been talking about him.

MRS DUBEDAT
[quickly pulling herself together]
No, of course not. Please dont mind me. What a glorious thing it must be to be a doctor!
[They laugh].
Dont laugh. You dont know what youve done for me. I never knew until now how deadly afraid I was—how I had come to dread the worst. I never dared let myself know. But now the relief has come: now I know.

LOUIS DUBEDAT comes from the hotel, in his overcoat, his throat wrapped in a shawl. He is a slim young man of 23, physically still a stripling, and pretty, though not effeminate. He has turquoise blue eyes, and a trick of looking you straight in the face with them, which, combined with
a
frank smile, is very engaging. Although he is all nerves, and very observant and quick of apprehension, he is not in the least shy. He is younger than JENNIFER; but he patronizes her as a matter of course. The doctors do not put him out in the least: neither SIR PATRICK’s years nor BLOOMFIELD BONINGTON’s majesty have the smallest apparent effect on him : he is as natural as a cat: he moves among men as most men move among things, though he is intentionally making himself agreeable
to them on this occasion. Like
all people who can be depended on to take care of themselves, he is welcome company; and his artist’s power of appealing to the imagination gains him credit for all sorts of qualities and powers, whether he possesses them or not.

LOUIS
(pulling on his gloves behind RIDGEON’s chair]
Now, Jinny-Gwinny : the motor has come round.

RIDGEON Why do you let him spoil your beautiful name like that, Mrs Dubedat?

MRS DUBEDAT Oh, on grand occasions I am Jennifer.

B. B. You are a bachelor: you do not understand these things, Ridgeon. Look at me
[They look].
I also have two names. In moments of domestic worry, I am simple Ralph. When the sun shines in the home, I am Beedle-Deedle-Dumkins. Such is married life! Mr Dubedat: may I ask you to do me a favor before you go. Will you sign your name to this menu card, under the sketch you have made of me?

WALPOLE Yes; and mine too, if you will be so good.

LOUIS Certainly.
[He sits down and signs the cards].

MRS DUBEDAT Wont you sign Dr Schutzmacher’s for him, Louis?

LOUIS I dont think Dr Schutzmacher is pleased with his portrait. I’ll tear it up.
[He reaches across the table for Schutzmacher’s menu card, and is about to tear it. Schutzmacher makes no sign].

RIDGEON No, no: if Loony doesnt want it, I do.

LOUIS I’ll sign it for you with pleasure.
[He signs and hands it to RIDGEON].
Ive just been making a little note of the river to night : it will work up into something good
[he shews a pocket sketch-book].
I think I’ll call it the Silver Danube.

B. B. Ah, charming, charming.

WA LP O LE Very sweet. Youre a nailer at pastel.

LOUIS
coughs, first out of modesty, then from tuberculosis.

SIR PATRICK Now then, Mr Dubedat: youve had enough of the night air. Take him home, maam.

MRS DUBEDAT Yes. Come, Louis.

RIDGEON Never fear. Never mind. I’ll make that cough all right.

B. B. We will stimulate the phagocytes.
[With tender effusion, shaking her hand]
G o o d-night, Mrs Dubedot. Good-night. Good-night.

WALPOLE If the phagocytes fail, come to me. I’ll put you right.

LOUIS Good-night, Sir Patrick. Happy to have met you.

SIR PATRICK ‘Night
(half a grunt].

MRS DUBEDAT Good-night, Sir Patrick.

SIR PATRICK Cover yourself well up. Dont think your lungs are made of iron because theyre better than his. Good-night.

MRS DUBEDAT Thank you. Thank you. Nothing hurts me. Good-night.

B. B.
[harmoniously]
Dee-lightful couple! Charming woman! Gifted lad! Remarkable talent! Graceful outlines! Perfect evening! Great success! Interesting case! Glorious night! Exquisite scenery! Capital dinner! Stimulating conversation! Restful outing! Good wine! Happy ending! Touching gratitude ! Lucky Ridgeon—

RIDGEON
[returning]
Whats that? Calling me, B. B.?
[He goes back to his seat next SIR PATRICK].

B. B. No, no. Only congratulating you on a most successful evening! Enchanting woman! Thorough breeding! Gentle nature ! Refined—

BLENKINSOP I’m so sorry to have left you like this, Ridgeon; but it was a telephone message from the police. Theyve found half a milkman at our level crossing with a prescription of mine in its pocket. Wheres Mr Dubedat?

RIDGEON Gone.

BLENKINSOP
(rising, very pale]
Gone!

RIDGEON Just this moment—

BLENKINSOP Perhaps I could overtake him—
[he rushes into the hotel) .

WALPOLE
[calling after him]
He’s in the motor, man, miles off. You can—
[giving
it up]. No use.

RIDGEON Theyre really very nice people. I confess I was afraid the husband would turn out an appalling bounder. But he’s almost as charming in his way as she is in hers. And theres no mistake about his being a genius. It’s something to have got a case really worth saving. Somebody else will have to go; but at all events it will be easy to find a worse man.