The biggest pyramid ever…
And they’d never remember who was under it.
It didn’t matter if they called it Ptaclusp’s Folly or Ptaclusp’s Glory. They’d call it
Ptaclusp’s
.
He surfaced from this pool of thought to hear his sons still arguing.
If this was his posterity, he’d take his chances with 600-ton limestone blocks. At least they were quiet.
“Shut up, the pair of you,” he said.
They stopped, and sat down, grumbling.
“I’ve made up my mind,” he said.
IIb doodled fitfully with his stylus. IIa strummed his abacus.
“We’re going to do it,” said Ptaclusp, and strode out of the room. “And any son who doesn’t like it will be cast into the outer darkness where there is a wailing and a crashing of teeth,” he called over his shoulder.
The two brothers, left to themselves, glowered at each other.
At last IIa said, “What does ‘quantum’ mean, anyway?”
IIb shrugged. “It means add another nought,” he said.
“Oh,” said IIa, “is that all?”
All along the river valley of the Djel the pyramids were flaring silently into the night, discharging the accumulated power of the day.
Great soundless flames erupted from their capstones and danced upward, jagged as lightning, cold as ice.
For hundreds of miles the desert glittered with the constellations of the dead, the aurora of antiquity. But along the valley of the Djel the lights ran together in one solid ribbon of fire.
It was on the floor and it had a pillow at one end. It had to be a bed.
Teppic found he was doubting it as he tossed and turned, trying to find some part of the mattress that was prepared to meet him halfway. This is stupid, he thought, I grew up on beds like this. And pillows carved out of rock. I was born in this palace, this is my heritage, I must be prepared to accept it…
I must order a proper bed and a feather pillow from Ankh, first thing in the morning. I, the king, have said this shall be done.
He turned over, his head hitting the pillow with a thud. And plumbing. What a great idea that was. It was amazing what you could do with a hole in the ground.
Yes, plumbing. And bloody doors. Teppic definitely wasn’t used to having several attendants waiting on his will all the time, so performing his ablutions before bed had been extremely embarrassing. And the people, too. He was definitely going to get to know the people. It was wrong, all this skulking in palaces.
And how was a fellow supposed to sleep with the sky over the river glowing like a firework?
Eventually sheer exhaustion wrestled his body into some zone between sleeping and waking, and mad images stalked across his eyeballs.
There was the shame of his ancestors when future archaeologists translated the as-yet unpainted frescoes of his reign: “‘Squiggle, constipated eagle, wiggly line, hippo’s bottom, squiggle’: And in the year of the Cycle of Cephnet the Sun God Teppic had Plumbing Installed and Scorned the Pillows of his Forebears.”
He dreamed of Khuft—huge, bearded, speaking in thunder and lightning, calling down the wrath of the heavens on this descendant who was betraying the noble past.
Dios floated past his vision, explaining that as a result of an edict passed several thousand years ago it was essential that he marry a cat.
Various-headed gods vied for his attention, explaining details of godhood, while in the background a distant voice tried to attract his attention and screamed something about not wanting to be buried under a load of stone. But he had no time to concentrate on this, because he saw seven fat cows and seven thin cows, one of them playing a trombone.
But that was an old dream, he dreamed that one nearly every night…
And then there was a man firing arrows at a tortoise…
And then he was walking over the desert and found a tiny pyramid, only a few inches high. A wind sprang up and blew away the sand, only now it wasn’t a wind, it was the pyramid rising, sand tumbling down its gleaming sides…
And it grew bigger and bigger, bigger than the world, so that at last the pyramid was so big that the whole world was a speck in the center.
And in the center of the pyramid, something very strange happened.
And the pyramid grew smaller, taking the world with it, and vanished…
Of course, when you’re a pharaoh, you get a very high class of obscure dream.
Another day dawned, courtesy of the king, who was-curled up on the bed and using his rolled-up clothes as a pillow. Around the stone maze of the palace the servants of the kingdom began to wake up.
Dios’s boat slid gently through the water and bumped into the jetty. Dios climbed out and hurried into the palace, bounding up the steps three at a time and rubbing his hands together at the thought of a fresh day laid out before him, every hour and ritual ticking neatly into place. So much to organize, so much to be needed for…
The chief sculptor and maker of mummy cases folded up his measure.
“You done a good job there, Master Dil,” he said.
Dil nodded. There was no false modesty between craftsmen.
The sculptor gave him a nudge. “What a team, eh?” he said. “You pickle ’em, I crate ’em.”
Dil nodded, but rather more slowly. The sculptor looked down at the wax oval in his hands.
“Can’t say I think much of the death mask, mind,” he said.
Gern, who was working hard on the corner slab on one of the Queen’s late cats, which he had been allowed to do all by himself, looked up in horror.
“I done it very careful,” he said sulkily.
“That’s the whole point,” said the sculptor.
“I know,” said Dil sadly, “it’s the nose, isn’t it.”
“It was more the chin.”
“And the chin.”
“Yes.”
“Yes.”
They looked in gloomy silence at the waxen visage of the pharaoh. So did the pharaoh.
“
Nothing wrong with my chin.
”
“You could put a beard on it,” said Dil eventually. “It’d cover a lot of it, would a beard.”
“There’s still the nose.”
“You could take half an inch off that. And do something with the cheekbones.”
“Yes.”
“Yes.”
Gern was horrified. “That’s the face of our late king you’re talking about,” he said. “You can’t do that sort of thing! Anyway, people would notice.” He hesitated. “Wouldn’t they?”
The two craftsmen eyed one another.
“Gern,” said Dil patiently, “certainly they’ll notice. But they won’t say anything. They expect us to, er,
improve
matters.”
“After all,” said the chief sculptor cheerfully, “you don’t think they’re going to step up and say ‘It’s all wrong, he really had a face like a short-sighted chicken,’ do you?”
“
Thank you very much. Thank you very much indeed, I must say.
” The pharaoh went and sat by the cat. It seemed that people only had respect for the dead when they thought the dead were listening.
“I suppose,” said the apprentice, with some uncertainty, “he did look a bit ugly compared to the frescoes.”
“That’s the point, isn’t it,” said Dil meaningfully.
Gern’s big honest spotty face changed slowly, like a cratered landscape with clouds passing across it. It was dawning on him that this came under the heading of initiation into ancient craft secrets.
“You mean even the
painters
change the—” he began.
Dil frowned at him.
“We don’t talk about it,” he said.
Gern tried to force his features into an expression of worthy seriousness.
“Oh,” he said. “Yes. I see, master.”
The sculptor clapped him on the back.
“You’re a bright lad, Gern,” he said. “You catch on. After all, it’s bad enough being ugly when you’re alive. Think how terrible it would be to be ugly in the Netherworld.”
King Teppicymon XXVII shook his head. We all have to look alike when we’re alive, he thought, and now they make sure we’re identical when we’re dead. What a kingdom. He looked down and saw the soul of the late cat, which was washing itself. When he was alive he’d hated the things, but just now it seemed positively companionable. He patted it gingerly on its flat head. It purred for a moment, and then attempted to strip the flesh from his hand. It was on a definite hiding to nothing there.
He was aware with growing horror that the trio was now discussing a pyramid.
His
pyramid. It was going to be the biggest one ever. It was going to go on a highly fertile piece of sloping ground on a prime site in the necropolis. It was going to make even the biggest existing pyramid look like something a child might construct in a sand tray. It was going to be surrounded by marble gardens and granite obelisks. It was going to be the greatest memorial ever built by a son for his father.
The king groaned.
Ptaclusp groaned.
It had been
better
in his father’s day. You just needed a bloody great heap of log rollers and twenty years, which was useful because it kept everyone out of trouble during Inundation, when all the fields were flooded. Now you just needed a bright lad with a piece of chalk and the right incantations.
Mind you, it was impressive, if you liked that kind of thing.
Ptaclusp IIb walked around the great stone block, tidying an equation here, highlighting a hermetic inscription there. He glanced up and gave his father a brief nod.
Ptaclusp hurried back to the king, who was standing with his retinue on the cliff overlooking the quarry, the sun gleaming off the mask. A royal visit, on top of everything else…
“We’re ready, if it please you, O arc of the sky,” he said, breaking into a sweat, hoping against hope that…
Oh gods. The king was going to Put Him at his Ease again.
He looked imploringly at the high priest, who with the merest twitch of his features indicated that there was nothing he proposed to do about it. This was too much, he wasn’t the only one to object to this, Dil the master embalmer had been subjected to half an hour of having to Talk about his Family only yesterday, it was wrong, people expected the king to stay in the palace, it was too…
The king ambled toward him in a nonchalant way designed to make the master builder feel he was among friends. Oh no, Ptaclusp thought, he’s going to Remember my Name.
“I must say you’ve done a tremendous amount in nine weeks, it’s a very good start. Er. It’s Ptaclusp, isn’t it?” said the king.
Ptaclusp swallowed. There was no help for it now.
“Yes, O hand upon the waters,” he said, “O fount of—”
“I think ‘your majesty’ or ‘sire’ will do,” said Teppic.
Ptaclusp panicked and glanced fearfully at Dios, who winced but nodded again.
“The king wishes you to address him—” a look of pain crossed his face—“informally. In the fashion of the barba—of foreign lands.”
“You must consider yourself a very fortunate man to have such talented and hard-working sons,” said Teppic, staring down at the busy panorama of the quarry.
“I…will, O…sire,” mumbled Ptaclusp, interpreting this as an order. Why couldn’t kings order people around like in the old days? You knew where you were then, they didn’t go around being charming and treating you as some sort of equal, as if
you
could make the sun rise too.
“It must be a fascinating trade,” Teppic went on.
“As your sire wishes, sire,” said Ptaclusp. “If your majesty would just give the word—”
“And how exactly does all this
work
?”
“Your sire?” said Ptaclusp, horrified.
“You make the blocks fly, do you?”
“Yes, O sire.”
“That is very interesting. How do you do it?”
Ptaclusp nearly bit through his lip. Betray Craft secrets? He was horrified. Against all expectation, Dios came to his aid.
“By means of certain secret signs and sigils, sire,” he said, “into the origin of which it is not wise to inquire. It is the wisdom of—” he paused “—the moderns.”
“So much quicker than all that heaving stuff around, I expect,” said Teppic.
“It had a certain glory, sire,” said Dios. “Now, if I may suggest…?”
“Oh. Yes. Press on, by all means.”
Ptaclusp wiped his forehead, and ran to the edge of the quarry.
He waved a cloth.
All things are defined by names. Change the name, and you change the thing. Of course there is a lot more to it than that, but paracosmically that is what it boils down to…
Ptaclusp IIb tapped the stone lightly with his staff.
The air above it wavered in the heat and then, shedding a little dust, the block rose gently until it bobbed a few feet off the ground, held in check by mooring ropes.
That was all there was to it. Teppic had expected some thunder, or at least a gout of flame. But already the workers were clustering around another block, and a couple of men were towing the first block down toward the site.
“Very impressive,” he said sadly.
“Indeed, sire,” said Dios. “And now, we must go back to the palace. It will soon be time for the Ceremony of the Third Hour.”
“Yes, yes, all right,” snapped Teppic. “Very well done, Ptaclusp. Keep up the good work.”
Ptaclusp bowed like a seesaw in flustered excitement and confusion.
“Very good, your sire,” he said, and decided to go for the big one. “May I show your sire the latest plans?”
“The king has approved the plans already,” said Dios. “And, excuse me if I am mistaken, but it seems that the pyramid is well under construction.”
“Yes, yes, but,” said Ptaclusp, “it occurred to us, this avenue here, you see, overlooking the entrance, what a place, we thought, for a statue of for instance Hat the Vulture-Headed God of Unexpected Guests at practically cost—”
Dios glanced at the sketches.
“Are those supposed to be wings?” he said.
“Not even cost, not even cost, tell you what I’ll do—” said Ptaclusp desperately.
“Is that a nose?” said Dios.
“More a beak, more a beak,” said Ptaclusp. “Look, O priest, how about—”
“I think not,” said Dios. “No. I really think not.” He scanned the quarry for Teppic, groaned, thrust the sketches into the builder’s hands and started to run.