Authors: Kate Long
‘Which you don’t need.’
‘And I’ve got to take Fing to the vet’s tomorrow because he’s definitely looking iffy, and it would be awful if he died on air. And I’ve just thought; I’ll
de-flea the carpet while I’m at it. Can you imagine if this Kim rolls up her trouser cuffs and reveals a rash of flea-bites to the nation? I’d never, ever live it down. Let me . .
.’ She took a pen off the table and wrote F on her hand. ‘I’ll get the girls to throw out some of their old magazines, too.’
‘Juno?’
She swung her head up and smiled at me. ‘Yes?’
‘You’re not regretting this
Queen Mum
project, are you?’
‘No way.’ She laughed. ‘It’s like Manny says; it’s going to be an adventure.’
*
Lee
–
[To camera]
The thing about Kim is, she’s very warm, a very warm person. And easy-going. There’s not a lot rattles her, really. I think
she’ll get on and have a good time, wherever she’s going.
Oh, yeah, I think she’ll get her own way. She’s, I don’t know, quite sneaky. God, she’ll kill me for saying that! But what she does is, she
asks you summat and you think you’ve decided one way, then a few weeks later, you find you’ve said the opposite. It’s like magic. David Blaine. Except she swaps round words
instead of cards.
She is quite strong-minded, she’ll not suffer fools gladly. Mind you, neither will I. Life’s too short to spend it pissing up a rope, oh, am I allowed
to say that? Can you scrub that? What the hell; too late now. You’ve to take me as you find me.
Kim’s mum [To camera]
– I’ll tell you two stories about our Kim. First, when she was about six, yeah, she decided she wanted some lipstick so she went
rooting in my make-up bag and helped herself to some of mine. And she was parading round, you’ve never seen anything like it. I took it off her, I wiped her face and I said, You’re
not having that, you’re not old enough, but we’ll get some lip gloss tomorrow when we go to the shops. Thought that would keep her happy. Then I saw her two hours later with this
bright pink mouth. I was all set to give her a good hiding when she goes, It’s not your lipstick, Mum, I’ve made it myself. And she had. She’d mixed poster paint and Vaseline
together in the top off a can of spray polish. So you see, she’s always been determined.
[Becoming voiceover]
And I’ll tell you another: she’d just started in the juniors and she had a new friend, a lass who’d come from Malaysia. And we had this girl
round to tea and Kim took a fancy to these hair slides she was wearing. They’d only have been plastic, but they had glitter mixed in so they were sparkly. I told Kim I’d get her
some next time I went into town but she said you could only get them in Malaysia. So they went off to play together and then when it was time for this Malaysian to go home, no hair slides.
They’d been playing hairdressers, Kim said, and she’d taken them out. We looked all over the house, all in the garden because the girl was so upset, and I did wonder, actually. But
I didn’t say anything. And it was about, ooh, six years later I came across them in the bottom of Kim’s jewellery box, hidden under the lining of a watch case, quite ingenious,
really. So I said to Kim, ‘Why did you take them? Because you must have known you couldn’t wear them.’ And she didn’t have an answer.
[To camera]
She won’t thank me for telling you that. But it’s true. She does like her own way, our Kim.
Kim [Voiceover]
– Lee’s a great bloke. We’re a lot alike, I think that’s one of the reasons we’ve stayed together. He works hard, and I do;
we both like to chill out at the weekend; he’s a home bird, and so am I. I’d say I take more of a pride in my appearance than he does, but that’s just me. I wouldn’t go
out without lipstick on. No, he’s very easy to live with. We don’t argue so much, or if we do, it’s usually over summat daft like whose turn it is to walk the dog. If
I’m being honest, I do wish he’d help out round the house more, but then again, he’s not as bad as some. And he does work damned hard in the day.
Lee [To camera]
– Kim’s a smashing mum. She knows when to back off, and you’ve got to with teenage lads; they don’t want their mother standing
over them watching everything they do, do they? ’Cause I reckon that’s the best thing a parent can do, don’t you? Get them apron strings cut. Otherwise you’re never rid.
Kids’ll be hanging round the house in their thirties. I can’t wait for our two to leave home.
[Laughs]
*
The night before Juno left, I got myself into a panic. Two weeks she’d be away. Which was absolutely not worth getting into a state about; good God, they once went to
France to see Manny’s mother and they were gone for a month. ‘Yes,’ said Tom in my head, ‘and you were like a lost soul.
I
was counting the days till she came back,
never mind you. Honestly, Ally, I think you’d rather it was me going away than Juno.’
I shuffled on the sofa next to him but he didn’t look up from his magazine.
‘Mrs Twitchy.’
I tried to concentrate on the TV but I’d missed the start of the programme, the crucial ninety seconds where you glimpse some important scene from the main character’s past. I
couldn’t tell if he was the murderer or not and all the irony was falling flat.
‘Can I text you?’ I’d asked her.
‘Not allowed. I can’t communicate by phone or email, or meet anyone except Kim and Lee’s immediate circle.’
‘God. Do they have you under surveillance or something?’
She’d given an odd sort of giggle. ‘It’s what you sign up for,’ she said. ‘It’s in the rules.’
Tom said, ‘Are you watching this? Because if you’re not, I’ll turn it off. That music’s getting on my nerves.’
‘Has he killed that young girl?’
‘Haven’t a clue.’ He sighed and flexed his magazine.
‘OK. Turn it off if you want. Hey, what do you think this Kim’s going to be like?’
‘She’ll be working class, won’t she? That seems to be the general idea. Class War.’
‘Do you think she’ll spend the whole fortnight wearing trackie bottoms and eating pizzas out of the box?’
‘Darling, your roots are showing.’
‘How do you mean?’ My hand went up to my scalp even though I knew he wasn’t talking about hair dye.
Tom put the mag down across the arm of the sofa. ‘You. You lived in tracksuit bottoms at one time, I seem to remember. And you’ve had your share of takeaway pizzas.’
I shrugged. ‘Yeah, all right. You know what I mean, though.’
He didn’t reply; his eyes flicked across to the glossy picture of the Bonneville next to him. He was thinking, Where on my garage walls can I put that? Or maybe he wasn’t. Maybe he
was thinking of the time we sat in front of the gas fire at 24 Crawshaw Road with me balancing a pizza box on my pregnant belly, that would have been just before Ben was born. The box kept jerking
as the baby shifted. He said to me, ‘There’s a song, isn’t there, like this; something about sitting by the fire with little kicks inside her?’ ‘Squeeze,’
I’d said, “Up the Junction”.’ He’d dug it out and played it and said, ‘That won’t be us, will it, splitting up after a couple of years?’ We thought
that was the worst that could happen to us.
‘Do you think she’ll be nice?’
‘Who?’
‘Kim.’
‘No, because that doesn’t make good TV. She’ll be a certifiable harridan who’ll spit at us over the fence and swear at Ben. I expect she’ll bring her own
Rottweiler.’
‘Don’t say that!’ I was really alarmed.
‘All right, keep your hair on,’ Tom laughed. ‘She’s not moving in permanently, is she?’
‘No, but I’m supposed to be popping in for lunch one day, keep the normal routine going.’
‘So you said. As long as I don’t have to have anything to do with it all, bloody circus.’
‘What’ll I do if she’s really aggressive and horrible?’
‘Forget it,’ he sighed. ‘I didn’t mean to wind you up. She’s going to be perfectly normal and balanced. If she was a total nutter they wouldn’t have accepted
her for the programme, would they? They’ve all had police checks and psychometric tests done, Manny was telling me about it.’
‘So you think she’ll be OK?’
‘Oh,’ said Tom, back in his mag, ‘yeah, bound to be.’
‘Honestly?’
‘Oh yes.’ He flicked a page and frowned. ‘Not as nice as Juno, though. Obviously.’
I think he was joking with me, but I can never tell these days.
That night I couldn’t sleep for queasiness. It felt as though I was waiting to sit an exam.
I was watching from the window the next day when Kim came. Tom said if I kept that kind of behaviour up I’d turn into one of those sad old women who sit around all day
and spy on people with lives.
They filmed her walking down the drive and putting a key in the lock. She wore a fitted black jacket and blue jeans; a short woman with blonde hair, and a curvy figure, what they call a pocket
Venus. When she bent to pick up her suitcase again, she paused, looked down by the doorstep and then plucked a piece of rosemary and sniffed it, before throwing it away. I was instantly outraged.
Who was she to touch Juno’s plants? I waited till the door closed, then went back into our kitchen and made some Horlicks, pacing around while the kettle boiled. I wanted so much to go round
there and see what was happening.
Saturday morning; Manny would be at the computer, surfing the Internet or finishing a project. The girls would be cleaning out the rabbit, or getting ready to go shopping, or helping Juno strip
the beds. I guessed she’d have sorted bedding out last night.
I hoped they were being kind to her in Bolton.
*
Kim
– Hiya! Anybody home?
Sophie
– Hi! Paxo, she’s here! Dad?
Pascale
– Hello. Can I take your bag?
Sophie
– Dad’ll be here in a minute. He’s just putting some coffee on.
Pascale
– Do you want to put your coat up there? Here’s Dad.
Manny
– Lovely to see you. Come in, come in. Pascale, can you go and put the croissants in?
Sophie
– Did you have a good journey? Oh, mind the cat, he always sits in the most inconvenient place, I’ll shift him onto the piano stool then he’ll
still be in the sun. There. Do you want to sit down, Kim? Dad’s making some coffee, how do you take yours?
Kim
– Two sugars.
Manny
– Soph, finish off in the kitchen, will you? Good girl. So, Kim, nice to have you on board. As soon as you’ve drunk your coffee, the girls will take
you on a guided tour, not that there’s a great deal to see.
[Laughs]
You certainly brought the weather with you. You wouldn’t think it was only February. How was your
journey?
Kim
– Fine, thanks.
Manny
– Here we are. Oh, Soph, you could have brought a tray. Never mind. Where’ve the mats gone? Who keeps moving the mats in this house? Tell you what,
Kim, pop your cup on this magazine for now.
Kim
– Nice room.
Manny
– It needs redecorating, but that’s Juno’s department. She’s the one with all the creative ideas. She’s got an eye for style. Spends
ages looking through her catalogues, sourcing door handles and the like. Are you interested in interior design? Ah, here come the croissants. That was quick, Pascale. Have you brought plates?
Excellent. Kim, if I could pass that one to you. Would you like butter? And there’s blackberry conserve. Help yourself. Don’t worry about crumbs, they’re unavoidable
with— What’s the matter, Soph?
Sophie
– We’ve got that thing.
Pascale
– Yeah. You know, Dad, that thing Mum worked out with us. For Kim. Soph, shift the cat will you so I can get at the piano?
Soph
– Out, Fing. Go catch some rays. Shoo!
Pascale
– OK. Are you ready? Hang on, I’ve got jam on my fingers. That’s better. Right:
Sophie and Pascale [Singing]
–
We know you won’t be staying long
But here’s a silly little song
To say you’re very welcome here
We’re friendlier than we appear
Here’s hoping, when we come to part,
You’ll keep the Kingstons in your heart.
Manny [Clapping] –
Well done, girls! Did you make up the tune yourself, Pascale?
Pascale
– It was the opening part to my Grade Four study, don’t you remember?
Kim
– Very nice.
Manny
– Smashing. Aren’t you keen on croissants, Kim?
Kim
– Yeah, I like them. I’m not that hungry, I had a big breakfast. Lee cooked it me.
Manny
– No problem. But your coffee’s all right?
Kim
– Fine. Actually, can I use your toilet?
Manny
– Soph?
Sophie
– Come with me. I’ll show you where it is, and then we can take your case up to your room and you can unpack.
Pascale
– And then we get to give you the guided tour.
Sophie
– Yeah, the guided tour.
Kim [To video diary]
– Well I’m here, for better or worse. First impressions: they seem very pleasant, very chatty. In fact I can’t really get a word
in. I’m worried I haven’t come across right. I’m not a shy person normally, but I just got this barrage— Anyway, you can’t say they’re not making an effort.
That song! It’s like the bloody von Trapp family. It’s a beautiful house, though. I should say there’s some money here.
They’re quite an exotic-looking family. Those girls, they’re like gypsies, real head-turners, but they don’t make the most of themselves.
He’s a bit full of himself, I’d say. Dead hairy too, you can see it coming out of his shirt at the neck. Mediterranean type; Greek, maybe? He kissed me on both cheeks, I’ve
never had that before. Very nearly nutted him. Which wouldn’t have been a great start.
No, I quite like the girls, I think we’re going to be friends. Not sure about him.
Manny [To camera]
– She seems a perfectly pleasant woman. Quiet, doesn’t say a great deal. I expect we’ll hear more from her tomorrow.