Racing Savannah (16 page)

“Let’s walk,” he says. I follow him out the gate and toward the lake. Star snorts, upset that I’m leaving him behind.

Jack leads me down to the lake with his hounds in tow. There, he wipes the tears out from under my eyes and I curl up against his chest. That gives him the opening he needs, I guess, because soon we’re kissing and his hands are in my hair and I’m running my hands under his T-shirt, dragging my fingertips over his abs. It’s a warm September evening and the stars are just beginning to peek out. Twilight.

“If I take your clothes off, Jasper will steal them,” Jack murmurs between kisses, as he unsnaps my bra, leaving my shirt on.

“Wouldn’t want that,” I say softly, laughing.

We lie down together in the grass, him straddling my hips, reenacting what we did last night. He unbuttons my jeans and slides them down until they’re hooked around one of my ankles, and he kisses and touches me until I’m tingling all over. But we go a step further, doing something I’ve never done.

“Are you sure?” he whispers, threading his fingers through my hair, and I nod. I take him in my hand and go down on him—because I want to. It’s awkward and I’m scared I’m doing something wrong, but I love feeling close to him. He seems to like what I’m doing…

When we’re both finished, he presses his cheek to mine and whispers, “Are you feeling better?”

I nod, snuggling against his chest.

“I’m sorry we got interrupted last night,” he says softly. “I’ll have to take you up to our weekend cabin in Kentucky sometime soon, so we can have privacy…”

I love the idea of being his houseguest at their cabin. I’ve never been there, but I heard Jodi telling Cindy about it. Jodi said it was about the prettiest place she’d ever seen, covered in ivy like straight out of a fairy tale.

I smile into Jack’s shoulder, close my eyes, and enjoy the sounds of water lapping gently against the banks. “Jack?”

“Hmm?” he mumbles, playing with my hair.

“If I were to, like, go see the guidance counselor tomorrow at school…would you, um, come with me?”

“What are you going to talk to her about?”

“I was looking at some colleges online but I don’t know if any of them will work for me…because Dad can’t pay for any of it.” I suck in a deep breath, embarrassed out of my mind. “And if the guidance counselor says something I don’t understand I thought maybe you could help me?”

Jack kisses my head. “Sure. I can do that. But don’t you think you should bring your dad, not me?”

I grasp his T-shirt and twist it, holding on tight. “I talked to him and Cindy a little while ago, and my dad brought up college when I was telling them about me and you and how we might be together and I don’t think he wants me to apply—”

“You told your dad and Cindy about us?” He sits up straight, knocking me off his chest. I bring myself to a sitting position and start to resnap my bra. Why’s he acting so skittish? “Why did you do that?”

“I like talking to my dad,” I say quietly.

“You told him what we did last night?” he exclaims.

“No, no,” I say, waving my hands. I swallow hard, feeling tears burn my eyes again. “I just told Dad and Cindy that I like you and I’m not gonna stay away from you like they want me to.”

“I wish you would’ve talked to me before just announcing we’re, like, a couple or whatever,” Jack says, dragging a hand through his hair. He looks seriously pissed.

“I didn’t tell him that!” I nervously pick blades of grass. “I told them I like you…and wanted to be with you, that’s all.”

Jack lets out a long breath. “Look, I’m glad you feel that way, but we can’t have a real relationship.”

“We can’t?” I whisper.

“You know we can’t. I thought you wanted to be together…like, in secret. As friends with benefits.”

Did he really just say friends with benefits?

“Like, we’d hook up, but we’d never go out on dates and stuff?”

“Yeah. We’d be together on the down low.”

Did he really just say down low?

“Why can’t we just try it for real? See what people say?”

Jack won’t stop clutching his hair. “Is your father gonna tell my dad? You can’t let him tell my father! I have to show him I’m a good owner who respects his staff.”

Tears have already begun to drip down my cheeks. I wipe them away as quickly as I can. If he didn’t hold all the power before, he does now. I gave it to him.

“I’ll make sure my dad doesn’t say anything,” I say quietly.

“Good, because my dad hasn’t finished the Paradise Park deal yet. If the Winchesters think I’m dating somebody else, it’ll ruin everything for Dad.” Jack shakes his head. He looks pissed.

This is one of those bad memories that’s going to play on repeat over and over in my head. Like the memories of Moonshadow. I can’t believe I shared her story with Jack. Maybe I was right before. Rich people are all alike. Only care about their goddamned money. Only care about what’s best for them.

I dig my fingernails into my palm, trying to decide the best thing to say. Something I won’t regret when I look back on this moment.

It’s weird. I’ve never felt so many things at once. Anger. Shame. Sadness.

More humiliation than I’ve ever experienced.

But mostly pride for what I’m about to do.

“I won’t do this in secret,” I say. “It’s terrible that a business deal is dependent on you playing Abby Winchester. I hate that a deal is more important than my feelings. Do you have any idea how shitty it’s gonna feel to tell Dad and Cindy that they were right about you?”

“What about me?” he mumbles, his nostrils flaring.

I laugh harshly. “They said you lose interest in girls after a couple days and that I wasn’t anything special. They’re right. If I were special, you wouldn’t want to keep me a secret.”

“It’s not that, Sava—”

“Save it,” I reply, crossing my arms across my stomach. I feel sick. I can’t believe what I just did with him…and then this happens. “You may not respect me, but I respect myself enough to not do this with you. I hope your dad gets his racetrack and I hope it’s worth what it’s costing you: me.”

“Do you want me to kick his ass?”

I try to focus on my geometry homework through my anger.

“Because I can kick his ass,” Rory goes on.

Vanessa nods. “And if you won’t let Rory kick his ass, I’ll do it.”

“Guys, I can kick his ass myself,” I say, sniffling and wiping my nose.

During study hall, I’ve just finished telling my friends about what happened with Jack. I left out the part about how I went down on him. Can you say Big Mistake? Vanessa and Rory warned me about Jack. I feel ashamed that they know I’m nothing special to him.

He didn’t join me for lunch or study hall today, instead choosing to sit with Kelsey Painter and Colton Bradford. She’s chattering to Jack nonstop and Colton’s resting his head on the table. On the one hand, I’m glad Jack didn’t sit with me, because I don’t want to smell his cologne and risk burying my face in his neck. At the same time, the hurt and embarrassment are pumping through my veins.

“It’s fine,” I say quietly, chewing my eraser. “I mean, I could still be with him if I want.”

“But you’d have to keep him a secret,” Vanessa says. “That is such a dick move.”

“I’d never ask a girl to be secret friends with benefits or whatever,” Rory says, stretching an arm around Vanessa.

“You’d better not. You have a girlfriend now, remember?” she says.

They grin at each other lovingly and my insides curl up and die.

“My cousin, Alex, texted me yesterday.” Rory gives me a sly smile. “He asked about you. Who you are and stuff.”

“Really?” I ask. I haven’t even thought about Alex since Saturday night.

“He’s single now. We should all do something together soon,” Rory says, and Vanessa nods. I don’t need a guy to feel happy, but I like the idea of meeting more Tennessee people.

“Yeah, that might be good,” I say softly, sneaking a peek at Jack. Even though lunch ended an hour ago and we’re in the library, he’s digging around in the cooler Yvonne packed for him.

“Don’t look at him!” Vanessa blurts.

“I can’t help it,” I say. I hate that I feel weak.

“That’s it,” Vanessa says, throwing her pencil down. “Next weekend, you and I are going to the Infinity club in Nashville. The one that lets people under eighteen in.”

“Sounds fun,” Rory says.

“You’re not invited. It’s girls only,” Vanessa says.

“But I have some new dance moves to share.” Rory pouts.

“You can show me in private,” Vanessa says, and I nearly barf.

I stuff my worksheet into my math book and stand. Vanessa and Rory are already too busy kissing to notice me taking off, but Jack follows me with his eyes as I leave the library. He seems sad—he doesn’t even notice that Kelsey is stealing a Capri Sun from his cooler. When she sees him staring at me, she taps his hand.

He quickly shakes his head and turns his focus to her, listening to whatever she’s saying.

And that’s just fine.

• • •

When Rory drops me off at Cedar Hill after school, I go to Hillcrest to ditch my backpack before my training session with Gael.

Dad and Cindy look up when I enter the common room, but Dad doesn’t meet my eyes. “Savannah,” he starts. “I need to take Cindy to the doctor this afternoon. She’s tired and couldn’t hold any food down this weekend. I’m worried.”

“Didn’t you just see the doctor a couple of weeks ago?”

“I’m not taking chances,” Dad says, touching her stomach.

I suddenly feel choked up. Not only because I’m worried about the baby, but because yesterday’s argument with Dad is still hanging in the air. If Mom were here, would she know what to say to make me feel better?

“Savannah,” Cindy says, rubbing her eyes. I go kneel in front of her chair. “Can you help me again? I’m so sorry to ask but I haven’t finished something for Mrs. Goodwin and she’s having a charity meeting in the morning—”

“What is it?”

Cindy pauses for a sec. “I had started to wax the parlor floor but the smell was making me feel sick—”

“I’ll take care of it.” I charge to my room to change into grungy clothes.

“Savannah,” Dad calls, but I shut my bedroom door before I can hear what he wants. He doesn’t care what I want anyway. Why should I bother with him? Especially after I’ve been trying to help our family.

When I come back out into the common room, it’s empty. Dad and Cindy have left for the doctor without saying good-bye. Whatever.

Up at the manor house, Paula shows me where to find the wax for the floor and gives me a quick tutorial. I dip an old T-shirt in the wax and wring it out so the shirt won’t absorb too much wax and kneel, massaging the wax into the wood floor. Paula said that when the wax begins to look cloudy, I should use a clean towel to buff the wood. Damn, being a maid is harder than riding a horse. Waxing is killing both my arms.

I hear laughter and footsteps coming through the foyer toward the steps. I look up to find Kelsey and Jack standing in the doorway to the parlor.

Hell. Could my life become any more embarrassing? Before you know it, I’ll be cleaning toilets like Marcus Winchester’s servants.

Kelsey focuses on me for a sec, looking confused, then goes back to typing on her cell and begins to climb the stairs. “Come on, Jack.” Is she going to his room? Are they going to hook up?

He ignores her and steps into the room, his nose crinkling. “What are you doing?”

“What does it look like I’m doing?” I snap.

“Waxing the floor. Why isn’t Paula or Cindy doing it? Or even Yvonne?”

“Because it’s Cindy’s job and she had to go to the doctor. And we can’t afford to lose her hours. Somebody has to work.” I bend back over and wax harder.

“What a good idea,” a voice says. I glance up to find Gael standing there. Can this day get any goddamned worse? “I should have all my jockeys and exercise boys wax floors. It’s great for upper body strength. Savannah, can you wax my truck before our training session?”

I glare at both of them.

“Gael, can you give us a minute, please?” Jack says in a soft voice.

Gael raises his eyebrows and vamooses quicker than you can say
on
your
mark
.

Jack squats next to me, picks up the old T-shirt, and sniffs it, getting a grossed out look on his face. I snatch it out of his hand and rub the floor, trying to ignore the fresh smell of his laundered clothes and cologne.

“I miss you,” he murmurs.

I nod toward the staircase. “What about Kelsey?”

“Nothing’s going on with her. We’re just friends.”

“Does she know that?”

“I’ve told her I don’t want anything serious with her. But she’s my friend and she’s been ditched by friends before, and I won’t do that to her. But about you and me, can we talk privately? I want to find a way for you and me to be together…”

“Well, I don’t want to be waxing the damned floor, but we don’t always get what we wish for.”

Jack stands and takes a step back, glaring down at me. “Fine.” He marches out of the room, his boots crashing down on the floor.

I wipe the sweat off my forehead and get back to work.

• • •

Later that evening, someone raps on my door while I’m reading the
Daily
Racing
Form
. “Come in.”

Rory opens the door and sits down on my bed with me, pulling me into a hug. “I want to kill that bastard for making you feel so bad.”

I laugh softly, clutching his T-shirt.

“You didn’t sleep with him, did you?” he asks.

I shake my head. “I thought you like it when girls sleep with guys after two minutes?”

“Not you,” he says. “Not you. I think Jack’s a dumbass. He obviously wants you…”

I
know.

“Come eat dinner with me,” he says. “We can go to Tennessee Ballers.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Will you run over my lines with me later? I’m auditioning for the school play.”

I love that he’s trying to distract me. “Are they doing the play you wrote?
Call
Me
When
Your
Mom
Is
Back
in
Town
?”

“No,” Rory says, sighing deeply. “Mrs. Towne said my play was too risqué for high school. We’re doing
Peter
Pan
.”

“Oh, I hope you get the role of Peter! You’ll get to fly around the stage hanging from those cord thingies.”

He winks. “You just want to see me in green tights.”

“Ugh.” I laugh, and then Rory goes to find dinner, because when you’re a seventeen-year-old boy, food outweighs all else.

An hour later, Cindy shows up carrying a tray with a piece of chicken, some cooked carrots, and a small glass of milk. She brings it to my bed and sits down beside me, patting my leg. Just like Dad this afternoon, she can’t seem to meet my gaze, and her face is red.

“How’s the baby?” I ask.

“The doctor says she’s fine,” Cindy replies, sniffling. She pinches her nose. “I guess some women have more difficult pregnancies than others. He said I shouldn’t be doing so much physical labor.”

“Are you going to tell the Goodwins?”

“In the morning,” she replies, wringing her fingers. “I’m afraid they’ll let me go…I’m afraid I’ll have to move away from you and your dad.”

“Don’t think that.” I give her a hug. “It’ll be okay.”

That’s when Dad appears in the doorway.

“I don’t really want to talk to you right now,” I say, making him wince.

“I wanted to say thanks for helping with the floors today.”

“I didn’t do it for you. I did it for my little sister.”

Dad comes in and shuts the door. There’s hardly room for him to stand in here.

“We need to talk about what happened yesterday,” Dad says. “You need to underst—”

“I’ve been working hard on the track!” I interrupt. “I’ve been giving Mr. Goodwin money I make so that Cindy can take time off. So you’ll have more money to spend on the baby. And then you yell at me and call me selfish and say I’m doing reckless things. And Jack has been so nice to me—I thought he wanted me—”

It all comes pouring out. Who is this weak girl speaking with my mouth?

My hands are shaking and my heart is thumping against my chest. A cool, slimy feeling flows through my body, as if somebody’s dipping me in a vat of ice water.

“I didn’t ask you to help with our bills,” Dad says quietly. He moves toward me, as if he’s going to hug me, but I hold up a hand.

“Don’t,” I cry, putting my face in my hands. “Just leave me alone.”

“Shortcake,” Dad says, but I shake my head.

“Please go away.”

He sniffles and rubs his eyes, and Cindy’s tearing up. I can’t bear to hear them say
I
told
you
so.
I just can’t. Not after he yelled at me and wouldn’t listen yesterday. I can’t bear to tell them they were right about Jack.

I clutch my pillow and stare out the tiny rectangular window near the ceiling. Life is so damned unfair. When I looked out Jack’s large bay window, I could see a million stars. My window is so small, I can only see a handful. If I had been born to a richer family, I’d have so many more stars to wish upon.

“I’m sorry I got upset,” Dad says softly. His eyes glisten. “I’m so, so proud of you. For getting a jockey position at a top farm. For even thinking about college.”

I nod and let him hug me and rub my back. Cindy holds my hand and combs my hair with her fingers. “You’re the strongest girl I know,” she says quietly. “I wish I were more like you.”

I smile at her through my tears, and she takes my hand and places it on her stomach, so I can feel a kick. I suddenly can’t wait to meet my baby sister.

“I didn’t mean to yell,” Dad says. “It’s just, you’re growing up, and I can’t protect you from everything.”

I haven’t cried like this since the day I found Moonshadow’s body. I let them hug me, wishing I could forget how I hooked up with Jack and shared a part of myself with him. I gave him something I’ve never given anyone else.

The honest to God truth is that I’m mad at myself. I should’ve known better.

• • •

It’s Thursday evening, and Vanessa, Rory, and I are meeting his cousin Alex at the county fair. A double date. I’m pretty excited about it, but I’m trying not to get my hopes up.

I love fairs. Something about the idea of walking around holding hands with a guy under the night sky makes me feel like I’ll find my one true love here. The fair is full of hope.

We hop out of Rory’s truck into muddy divots and begin making our way up to the ticket booth covered with flashing lights. The night is crisp and cool and smells of popcorn and cow poop. I wipe my sweaty palms on my jeans and anxiously scan the crowd for Alex.

“Calm down,” Rory says with a smirk.

“Quiet, you,” Vanessa says to Rory. She flashes me an excited glance.

A couple minutes later, I see Alex coming our way. I fight the urge to bounce on my tiptoes. He’s dressed very comfortably—jeans and flip-flops, and his T-shirt and over shirt are untucked and a bit wrinkled. I love how Jack always looks so put-together, but I like Alex’s look too. And of course I adore his floppy Whitfield hair.

He gives Rory a pat on the back then hugs Vanessa, and finally turns his focus to me.

“Hey,” he says.

I stick out my hand to shake his and he takes it, smiling into my eyes. His fingers are warm, and I’m excited about what might happen tonight. I hope whatever happens makes me forget how much I miss Jack. I force his face and smile out of my thoughts.

We each get $5 worth of tickets—enough to ride the Ferris wheel, slam each other in bumper cars, and get queasy on the Tilt-a-Whirl. The smell of funnel cakes and fries wafts under my nose, mesmerizing me just as much as the flashing lights and bells dinging when kids win prizes.

Our first stop is the Tilt-a-Whirl, where Vanessa and I scream our heads off and get sufficiently nauseous, while Rory and Alex have a grand ole time. Then Rory and Vanessa want to ride the Ferris wheel, so we head that way. Alex and I watch them climb into a bucket seat and grab the handlebar as it settles in their laps.