Rae of Hope (The Chronicles of Kerrigan) (30 page)

“Sure, this ink’s awesome. I can do such
wonderful
things. All I need is a little group of adoring psychopaths following me around so I can mimic their abilities.” She stood, tossing the articles back at him. “How would you feel if people shrank away in fear of you and you’d done nothing wrong? Don’t give me some river-sea metaphor and try to make me feel all better -- it isn’t going to change anything!”

Rae grabbed her bag and threw it over her shoulder, storming out of the library, not caring that four senior girls were staring at her, mouths hanging open. If she’d given it a second thought, she’d have given them all the bird. Too bad she didn’t notice anything outside of her inner pain.

A big part of her hoped Devon would come running after her to tell her everything was going to be all right. Rae snorted. Devon compared her to a river yet she was bloody drowning.

She stomped up the marble stairs, pissed that the marble absorbed her heavy stomps instead of making loud echoes. She wanted her angry stomps to boom like thunder through the air, because it would match her anger and her pain. She headed straight for her room, slammed the door and dropped onto her bed, punching the wall in anger. The lights flickered out.

After that night, Rae avoided Devon. It started out with her just wanting some space for a couple of days, but turned into a few weeks. Devon made no effort to try to talk to her, not even to set up further tutoring sessions, which adversely made her more determined to avoid him.

She spent a month being angry, not just at him, but at herself and the situation she’d been born into. If her stupid dad hadn’t married her mom, or if they’d had a boy first or even after her, she might never have been put in this position. Nobody would be mean, nobody would blame her for her father’s screwed up mind, she’d be…normal; an average teenager, concerned with nothing but school and boys.

She wore her self-pity like a cloak, refusing to admit it to anyone. It was easier to pretend to be hard, pretend she didn’t notice the other students avoiding her or moving out of her reach so she couldn’t touch them.

Some of the guys didn’t seem to mind this tough, wild Rae. In fact, she constantly got asked out for lunch, or for a drive, or to the movies. She said yes to everyone. It was better than sitting in her dorm room feeling sorry for herself. Since she couldn’t avoid it, she might as well enjoy the popularity of being
the freak
.

Her grades started slipping, but she didn’t care. She was tired of trying so hard. What good was a 4.0 GPA if people judged her by her family’s past without getting to know her at all? Things were spiraling out of control. She knew it, but had nothing to reach for to save herself.

After Oratory class near the end of March, Lanford asked her to stay behind.

“I’ll meet you in the room,” Rae said to Molly and rolled her eyes toward the headmaster.

“Sounds good. I’ll get one of the guys to drive us into town for dinner.” Molly headed out the door.

Rae turned, tapping her foot so it squeaked against the marble floor.

“How are things going?” Lanford pulled on his earlobe and then patted his awful hair.

“Fine. Things are grand.”
How’re things for you, Headmaster Lanford? Having problems now that your star pupil isn’t so shiny?

“Are you sure?” He squinted at her. “Your grades aren’t looking so
grand
.”

Figures he’d feel the need to sit down and have a fatherly talk.
She shifted her weight to her other foot and began putting her coat on. “The courses are harder this term. I’m trying to focus on learning more about my ink.”

He scrunched his nose and lifted his head to stare at her from his bifocals. “You’re a bright girl. I don’t understand what you’re trying to do to yourself.” He took his glasses off and began to clean them. “Being like this isn’t going to make your tatù go away. Nothing can do that.”

Rae stopped zipping her jacket. He’d hit the nail on the head, something no one else had even tried to do. It didn’t mean that she was ready to go all mushy and have a heart -to -heart though.

She sighed and crossed her arms. “I don’t want it to go away. I’d like to learn how to use it more effectively. You know, for the good of the school and the good of mankind.”
Blah, blah, blah and blah.

“My dear,” Lanford put his glasses back on their perch. “You can’t undo the past.”

Rae’s breath caught. She finished the phrase inside her head:
the sins of the father are the sins of the son, or in this case, the daughter.

“Are you listening to me?”

Eyes wide, she stared at the headmaster. All the anger and bitterness suddenly drained out of her, and the only emotion left behind was defeat. She started to cry. Embarrassed, she hid her face in her hands. “I-I’m s-sorry,” she gulped.

“You don’t need to be sorry,” he said kindly. “I think you just need to let it out.” He looked at her so kindly, without pity. She knew this man meant her no harm. He deserved better than just silence from her.

Rae took several slow, deep breathes and then let her thoughts out. “My mom warned me about my dad’s demons. I…I wish I could change the past. Go back and make things right…fix my dad’s mistakes. Make people stop looking at me like I’m a freak. That’s what I’d hoped to do with my tatù, when I realized what I could do. I’d hoped to erase the fear and suspicion, to make everyone forget about my parents.”

Lanford put his hands on Rae’s shoulders and forced her to face him. “Don’t ever be sorry for who you are, or who your parents were. Your father was brilliant and talented, despite his dark ways and your mother was a wonderful woman who sacrificed everything so you could have a better life, a better chance. That’s an amazing gift.”

“Yeah, and I’m screwing it all up!”

Lanford shook his head. “You’ve all this talent, and trust me, my dear, you haven’t even begun to scratch the surface of it. After this term, you’ve another year at Guilder. Think about what you’re going to learn and be able to do. Look at the students in class with you. Think how talented the senior boys seem by comparison. You can already do more than them. I look forward to watching you grow.” He paused then gave her a hug, his goofy combover falling across his forehead. “Get rid of the baggage in your head and start concentrating on your classes. And, in this room, show everyone you are Rae Kerrigan, more than just a madman’s legacy!”

Rae wiped the remaining tears from her cheeks and smiled at the headmaster. She didn’t want to be constantly compared to her dad. She knew Lanford was right, she needed to let it go in order to be what she was meant to be, and she desperately wanted to be rid of her father’s dark shadow. She whispered, “I’d like that.”

He patted her on the shoulder, pushing her toward the door. “Oh, and ask Devon to start tutoring you again.” He shook a finger at her. “I told you at the beginning of the year you’d do well to stick by that boy.”

Rae nodded, but said nothing. Apologizing to Devon was going to take some serious groveling and she didn’t quite know where to start. She headed out of the Oratory to meet Molly, who was waiting, impatiently, outside the dorm.

“What took so long? Lanford ask you to teach him something?” Molly stood, hands on her hips.

“Something like that.” Rae smiled a real smile, realizing how wonderful it felt to do so after being angry and hurt for so long.

The two girls walked over to Joist House. They headed up the marble stairs, and as they reached the top, Rae made a quick decision.

“Molls, can you get Julian? I need to ask Devon something.”

Molly raised her eyebrows, but didn’t say anything. She nodded and headed down the hall. Rae wiped sweaty palms on her jeans and lightly tapped Devon’s door.

“Andy, I already told you I’m not going with you guys.” Devon shouted from behind the door. “Leave me alone!”

She wasn’t sure he’d be any happier to see she wasn’t Andy, but Rae knocked harder anyway. She jumped back when Devon swung the door open, looking ready to cuss her out.

His eyes widened and his body language changed completely when he saw her. “What’re you doing here?”

Rae froze. She hadn’t planned any of this. It’d all been spur of the moment. She knew she needed to say the right words, to truly apologize to him, but at the moment she had nothing but scattered thoughts banging around her head. So she said the first thing that came to mind. “I was wondering if you wanted to head into town for dinner with me, Molly and Julian.” She tried to swallow, but her mouth had turned completely dry.

“Dinner?” He sounded and looked dumbfounded, as if the word itself didn’t make any sense coming from her.

“You know, we go to a restaurant, we order some food, the waitress brings it out, we eat it and then we pay the bill?” She realized sounded exactly like Molly. “Crap, that’s not what I meant!” She stomped her foot. “I’m trying to apologize. I’m just really lousy at it.”

Devon laughed. She wondered how much he enjoyed seeing her at odds with herself, but in the end, he must have decided to put her out of her misery. “Friends?” He smiled, his dimple winking at her from his cheek.

Rae’s heart melted, like it always did when his dimple made an appearance. “Hard as this is, I’m offering a free dinner to show how sincere I am.”

“FREE dinner?” He leaned behind his door. “Heck yeah! Let me grab my coat! I can hear Molly at the stairs complaining you’re taking too long.”

She reached out and grabbed his hand, mimicking his ink. He stared at her, surprised by the contact.

“Sorry, just need to borrow that great hearing of yours for a moment so I can hear what Molly’s saying.” She smiled mischievously, squeezing his hand before releasing it. “Then I can call her on it later.”

Devon’s smile widened slowly, as if he enjoyed soaking- in the playful mood in the air. “Sounds good.” He shut his door. “I’m suddenly starving.”

Rae knew him better than that. “Starving because dinner’s on me?”

“You got it, fairy-girl.”

Chapter 21

Deceived

Rae
laughed so hard through dinner her cheeks and stomach muscles hurt. It felt good to let go of the cloud that had been hanging over her. Dinner and ice cream dessert were both a riot, and the evening was over way before Rae wanted to head back to Guilder.

Julian pulled his Jaguar into the student parking lot, and the four of them walked toward Aumbry House together.

“I hate to call it a night,” Rae moaned, sandwiched between Molly and Devon, “but I’ve some major catching up to do. If I don’t start studying, I’m going to need a real tutor.” She elbowed Devon.

“We still up for a session this week?” Devon shoved his hands into his coat pockets.

“Definitely,” Rae replied.

Molly shouldered Rae. “Let’s go in. It’s freezing.”

As they turned to go, Julian touched Rae’s arm. “Do you have an extra moment? Can I show you something?”

“Sure. Anything wrong?” Rae watched Molly head to the warmth inside.

“I don’t think so, but I had a vision the other day. I’ve been trying to figure it out. As usual, I’m lousy at it.” He paused then quickly added, “I think it has something to do with you.” He pulled a sheet of folded paper out of his coat and handed it to her.