Authors: Melissa Delport
I am fairly confident that I am committing emotional suicide, but despite this, I have my bags packed within the hour and I am on the next available flight to Manhattan with Carl Sheldon. I have no idea how long I am going to be in New York, but I will make all necessary arrangements once I am there. I cannot think about anything until I have seen Adam. I need to see Adam.
“Tell me about the
alters
,” I ask the doctor as soon as we are airborne. We have a five-and-a-half hour flight ahead of us and I am determined to face this head-on. Adam is the love of my life. I will not give him up to a bunch of
alter egos
. Doctor Sheldon clears his throat.
“Well, Kyle you have already met. He is a very strong personality type; he is highly sexed, as I mentioned, and he is arrogant. He is usually the instigator behind any deviant behaviour; he drinks too much and likes to party. You could call him the stereotypical ‘bad boy’.”
I think about this for a minute and the implications it could have.
“Has Adam been in any trouble with the law?”
“Nothing serious as far as we know,” he replies, and I expel a deep breath that I was not aware I had been holding.
“Are they aware of each other?” I ask, the thought suddenly occurring to me. “
The
alters
?”
“That question is open to interpretation,” he replies, in typical shrink fashion. “It’s difficult to know, for certain, to what extent they are aware of one another. Kyle is certainly very aware of Adam; he self-admittedly claims that the sole reason for his existence is to protect Adam. This, in itself, indicates that at some point in his life Adam fell victim to something bad enough that he could not deal with it on his own, and Kyle was created and emerged to protect him.”
“But you’re his doctor! You’ve been working with him for over a year. Surely you know what that tragedy was? What made Kyle appear? And the others for that matter? Isn’t addressing the cause the key to getting rid of all these
alter egos
?”
“Part of it,” he admits gently, “although reintegrating his personalities is slightly more complicated than finding the source of his mental disturbance and telling him that it’s all going to be okay.” He does not sound condescending; he is merely giving me the ugly truth. His message comes through loud and clear: This is not going to be easy.
“The problem that I’m having with Adam is that we have no record of his early childhood. D.I.D is usually founded in this developmental phase and Adam cannot recall anything before his sixth birthday by which time he was already at the orphanage.”
“His parents died,” I mention, wondering who else might be able to shed some light on Adam’s early years.
“We do not know that.” His words are like ice water being thrown on me.
“What?” I ask and he sighs.
“Adam claims his parents are dead but he does not actually know that for sure. Nobody knows what became of Adam’s parents despite the authorities’ best efforts. They were simply never found, and Adam was never claimed by any next-of-kin. Perhaps he prefers to believe that they might be dead rather than face the other possible alternatives. Abandonment, for one,” he adds, as I arch my brow in question. He pauses, as though considering this before continuing, “He was found by a cleaner in the back alley of an old factory in Manhattanville and sent to the orphanage. They could not get any information from him, although they say that the child was traumatised and would not speak initially. This is very common in the event of PTSD.” At my irritated glare he quickly adds, “Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.” I give a quick nod of thanks before he continues. “Adam gave only his name to the nuns who ran the orphanage and he settled in quite quickly, but he never spoke about his life before his arrival. One of the carers, a young woman by the name of Elizabeth too, incidentally, took pity on him and the two became quite close. Adam was certainly far more comfortable with her than anyone else at the home, but even she could not get him to confide in her. About a year later, the nuns started to notice that there were times that Adam claimed other names and acted completely differently. Unfortunately, they immediately suspected the devil’s hand – an occupational hazard, I guess, and I think the boy Adam may have been mistreated.”
He laughs sadly as I click my tongue in disgust. “Don’t judge them too harshly, Paige. Not much was known about DID at that time. Nevertheless, at 18 Adam left the orphanage and set out on his own. He started as an apprentice for an old builder and, to the best of our knowledge, the five years he spent with Jack Sullivan Senior passed uneventfully. Then, when Adam was 23, Jack Sullivan fell ill and his son, Jack Sullivan Junior, took over the family business. Jack Senior died less than three months later.”
Doctor Sheldon pauses as the air hostess hands him two pre-packed sandwiches and two cups of tea. “Thank you,” he addresses her and she smiles, the perfect air-hostess smile. I want to slap her face and tell her to bugger off. I do not have time for pleasantries; I need to know what happened next.
“Jack Junior is not the nicest person,” he chews slowly, and then takes a sip of tea. “When I met him, he came across as incredibly arrogant and a bit of a bully. It did not take long before he and Adam started to argue. Eventually the fighting turned physical and a fist fight culminated in Jack firing Adam.” He pauses, letting me come to my own conclusion.
“Kyle?” I ask and he nods approvingly.
“Good girl. Yes, I can only assume that the bullish nature of Jack Junior caused Kyle to surface again and take charge of Adam’s body. Kyle’s intention was to protect Adam, but, as we all know, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.” He takes another bite of his sandwich and I fight the urge to punch him in the mouth for wasting time. I am appalled at how on edge I am and I force myself to take a few calming breaths.
“Jack Senior meant a lot to Adam. He was really his only mentor and the only father figure Adam had ever known. Adam went to his funeral to pay his respects.” I cringe; I can only imagine what happened next. “Kyle caused a scene when Jack Junior tried to evict him from the proceedings. He spent a night in jail for domestic disturbance and bailed himself out the next morning – I assume when Adam reappeared. No charges were pressed although Jack Junior did try to contest the will.”
“What?” He has lost me, again.
“Jack Senior bequeathed a large sum of money to Adam.” My heart expands with emotion for this kind old man who cared so much for my Adam. “He also sent me a letter which was to be mailed in the event of his death. He had left money in a trust for the expense and asked that I help Adam with his disorder.”
“He knew?” I am speechless.
“He knew,” Carl nods in confirmation. “Patients with dissociative identity disorder are difficult to work with, in fact, more than one third of patients are unable to work at all. Jack Sullivan was incredibly fond of Adam and sympathised. Adam would have had feelings of anger and exasperation, not to mention the emotional exhaustion. Jack became aware of Kyle and Simon, although he never met Jacob.” He smiles fondly, and then, at my enquiring look, “Jack Sullivan Senior was my father’s best friend in the navy. They maintained contact right up until the day he died.”
“I’m sorry.”
I am not sure what else to say and Carl chuckles, obviously aware of my discomfort.
“Thank you.” And before you go judging Kyle too harshly,” he adds, “Jack Sullivan Junior is a jerk.”
He takes a sip of tea and gestures at my untouched sandwich and my own tea which has probably gone cold by now. “You should eat something, Paige; you are going to need to keep your strength up.”
I force myself to eat half of my sandwich and drink a few sips of the cold tea. Satisfied, Doctor Sheldon nods approvingly.
“Okay. What about the other two? Jacob and Simon?” I ask and he rubs his chin.
“Jacob, of all the three
alters
, concerns me the most. He was the last identity that I came into contact with. For almost six months I believed that Adam had only Simon and Kyle to deal with. Jacob is the least dominant of the four; I have only met him a handful of times in the year that I have been treating Adam. I believe that Jacob represents the younger, child-like Adam. Although he is 24 he seems years younger.”
“Jacob is a different age to Adam?” I ask, incredulously. Adam is two years older than me – he is twenty-seven.
“They all have different birthdays,” Dr Sheldon explains, “Jacob was born on the sixth of September 1989, when Adam was four years old.” He pauses, watching me intently.
“You mean?” I'm not sure if I am following him but he nods encouragingly.
“I believe that Jacob was born on the exact day that the trauma occurred in Adam’s life; the day that something so terrible and so unbearable happened, that Adam dissociated in order to be able to cope; to be able to survive.” He gazes out of the window as though lost in thought and I am grateful for the moment to collect my own thoughts and bring my emotions in check.
“Jacob has a very dark side to him, one that leads me to believe that he represents all the pain and hurt that Adam experienced as a child,” Dr Sheldon continues as though no time has passed. “The initial trauma that caused Adam to develop other identities in the first place is borne by Jacob. He carries the burden so that Adam and the others don’t have to, so that they can lead normal lives. He is very sensitive and very troubled. He is also extremely difficult to counsel as he tends to flee from any confrontation, so the minute he gets uncomfortable talking about anything he withdraws, allowing one of the other identities to take over.”
“Is he gay?” I can’t help asking and Doctor Sheldon laughs softly.
“No, Paige. He isn’t gay. None of them are. And none of them are psychotic or aggressive enough to be classified as dangerous. They are just different. Each one of them is a completely separate identity. Think of it as four people inhabiting the same body.”
“You mentioned that Kyle is aware of Adam?” I ask, changing the subject. There is so much to digest.
“Yes. And Adam is aware of Kyle. Adam, being the host personality, is aware of all three other identities. He does not know them personally; he experiences a complete blackout when any of them are in control, but I have told him in great detail about them.”
“What does he think of them?” I ask, my curiosity getting the better of me.
“He feels sorry for them, as we do. He pities Jacob and even Simon, to an extent,” he pauses and a rare smile crosses his face. “He doesn’t like Kyle. He says he doesn’t need protecting and that Kyle sounds like an asshole.”
I laugh, despite myself, and it turns into a sob.
“I’m sorry. This must be very difficult for you,” Carl says, placing a hand on my arm reassuringly. I wonder if he is going to try and counsel me too and I put my head in my hands.
“What about Jacob? Is he aware of the others?”
“It’s hard to say as he refuses to discuss it. I believe that he is aware of them but he does not want to acknowledge them. He is afraid; he knows there is something wrong with him but he is terrified to confront it.” He seems to hesitate, as though he is wondering whether he should continue. “I think that Jacob is the secret-keeper, Paige. He’s the one with the answers. I believe that he is the key to unlocking Adam’s early childhood.”
“Jesus,” I breathe. I'm so overwhelmed and wonder if I will be able to deal with all of this. I need someone to hold me. I need someone who makes me feel safe and loved and who makes me forget about the rest of the world. I sigh. I need Adam. I sit up straight and push my shoulders back. I will not lose him. No way.
“Tell me about Simon.” I’m relieved to hear that my voice is sounding stronger.
“Simon is an intellectual, quite a snooty academic. He is very inquisitive and demands to know all the facts about his condition. I should warn you; he also believes that he is the original personality and is quite eager to work with me to integrate the others so that he is the only one left. He believes it is his life to reclaim not Adam’s.”
“Can he do that?” I recoil in horror. “Can he lock Adam out?”
Doctor Sheldon puts a warm hand on my arm.
“No, dear.
He might be able to hold Adam back for a period at any given time, but ultimately the psychotherapy will integrate all the personalities and the original will always be the one that remains.”
I heave a sigh of relief.
“How do you integrate them?” I ask.
“It’s complicated, but basically it’s a combination of psychotherapy and hypnosis. I plan to get aggressive with Adam this time around. I need to get to the trauma, the root of his problem. It’s the only way we are going to merge all four identities successfully and with any chance of permanence. With Adam in a hypnotic state, we ask each different personality to emerge and introduce himself to Adam, to make Adam aware of his existence. The personalities will then be asked to help Adam recall the traumatic experiences or memories that originally triggered the development of the new personalities. This is important; it enables the patient to experience the emotions associated with the traumatic memories. We then explain to Adam that while these additional personalities originally served a purpose, there are alternative coping strategies available now and he no longer needs them. The final steps involve piecing together the events and memories of all four personalities, integrating them, and then continuing therapy to help Adam adjust to his new self.” He waves his hand at the hostess who is standing at the front of our aisle smiling demurely around at all the passengers.