Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child (22 page)

What we found is,
Emotion Coaching not only protects
these couples’ children, it protects their marriages as well. Compared to the other parents in our study, Emotion Coaches were more satisfied and stable in their marriages. They showed more affection, fondness, and admiration for each other. When these couples talked about their philosophies of marriage, they were more likely to emphasize the value of companionship. They talked more in terms of “we-ness,” viewing their lives together as a joint undertaking. They were more validating, less belligerent, and less contemptuous toward each other. The husbands were less apt to stonewall, or shut down during heated exchanges. They were more likely to express the belief that couples need to discuss their negative feelings, get problems out in the open, and deal with conflict rather than avoid it. These couples were less prone to see their lives together as chaotic. They were more likely to say they felt that the pain and struggle of making a marriage work is worth it.

Considering these findings, one might wonder which comes first: a happy marriage or the social skills needed to be a good Emotion Coach to your children. At this point in our research, it’s hard to say. On one hand, it’s probably easier for parents to devote their attention, time, and emotional energy to their children when their marriages are happy and stable. On the other hand, adults who are adept at listening, empathizing, and problem solving may use these skills equally well with their spouses and their kids—all to a good
outcome. Until more research is done we can’t say with certainty which factor drives the other, but I’m inclined to believe the latter is the primary force. That is, those who are emotionally attendant to their children are also there for their spouses and this behavior is good for the marriage.

I base this hypothesis on work we’ve done that shows
what kind of marital interactions predict
the stability of a marriage. This research is described in depth in my book
Why Marriages Succeed or Fail
. Suffice it to say here that if you take the elements of Emotion Coaching we explored in
Chapter 3
(emotional awareness, empathetic listening, problem solving, and so forth) and use them with your spouse, you’re likely to see some happy results.

We saw this demonstrated to some degree among mothers and fathers who participated in our parenting sessions. Ann, for example, reported that helping her two-year-old son to recognize his emotions has made her more aware of her own feelings. This, in turn, has encouraged her and her husband to practice more empathy and validation in their own relationship.

“It’s crazy-making not to use validation,” says Ann, who works as an artist. “If I say, ‘I got a rejection letter today and I’m disappointed,’ I don’t want to hear my husband respond, ‘Well, what did you expect? They are all too busy to deal with your work right now.’ It’s better to hear, ‘I can see that you are disappointed about getting a negative response.’” Now aware that their son is not the only family member who needs this kind of nurturing and understanding, Ann and her husband are becoming Emotion Coaches for each other as well.

AVOID THE FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE

As part of our long-term research into families and emotion, we discovered that couples who are unhappily married or headed for divorce typically go through a certain downward spiral of interactions, emotions, and attitudes that leads to the disintegration of their marriages. This cascade usually happens in four predictable steps, which I refer to as “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” Like harbingers
of disaster, each horseman paves the way for the next, eroding communication and causing partners to focus increasingly on the failure of their spouses and their marriages. Listed in order of their relative danger to the relationship, the four horsemen are: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

Not surprisingly, we found these same four elements to be harmful to the couples’ children. In other words, when a child’s environment is contaminated by her parents’ critical, contemptuous, defensive, and stonewalling behavior toward each other, the child is more likely to suffer the damaging effects of marital conflict.

The good news is that we can now use these findings to recommend ways for parents to improve their relationship with each other, and thereby protect their children from harmful outcomes. Below you’ll find advice for dodging the horsemen—even as you and your spouse are trying to sort through contentious issues. While this advice is directed at married couples, it may also be useful for couples who are separated or divorced but need to come together over issues involving their children.

H
ORSEMAN
N
O
. 1: Criticism. By criticism, I mean making negative remarks about your partner’s personality, usually in a way that assigns blame. On the surface, criticism may seem a lot like complaining, and complaining can be healthy for a relationship, especially when one spouse feels his or her needs aren’t being met. But there’s a crucial difference between complaints and criticism. Complaints are aimed at a specific behavior, while criticism attacks a person’s character. Here are some examples of each.

C
OMPLAINT
: “When you spend so much on clothes, I worry about our finances.”

C
RITICISM
: “How could you spend so much on clothes when you know we have bills to pay? You act so vain and selfish.”

C
OMPLAINT
: “I feel lonely when you go out with friends on Friday nights instead of coming home.”

C
RITICISM
: “You are so irresponsible, going out every weekend and leaving me home with the kids. You obviously don’t care about your family.”

C
OMPLAINT
: “I wish you wouldn’t drop your clothes on the floor. It makes the bedroom look so messy.”

C
RITICISM
: “I’m so tired of picking up after you. You are inconsiderate and sloppy.”

W
HILE A COMPLAINT
simply states the facts, criticism is often judgmental, suggesting the word “should.” It implies that one’s partner is hopelessly flawed. For example, instead of saying, “I wish you’d buy strawberry ice cream sometimes,” a spouse might say: “Why do you always buy chocolate mint? You should know by now that I hate that flavor.”

Betrayal is another common theme. Instead of, “I wish you hadn’t arrived late with the kids to my mother’s party; she was disappointed,” a spouse might say: “I trusted you to get the kids to my mother’s house in time for the party, but you were late again. I should have known you’d ruin another family celebration.”

And criticism is often expressed in global terms: “You
never
help with housework.” “You
always
run up the phone bill.”

Criticism is often an expression of pent-up frustration and unresolved anger. One spouse “suffers in silence” while the other remains oblivious to the escalating irritation. When the silent one can’t repress negative feelings any longer, he or she “blows up” with a slew of grievances. The result may be a technique I call “kitchen sinking.” That is, the critic strings together a whole batch of unrelated complaints, like this: “You’re always late picking me up from work. You never spend enough time with the kids. You don’t even care about your appearance anymore. And when was the last time we went out together?” The barrage is so universal and overwhelming, the recipient can only interpret it as a personal affront. He or she may feel stunned, ambushed, hurt, and victimized—all of which opens the path for the arrival of the second and more dangerous horseman: contempt.

How do you avoid this harmful type of criticism? Address conflicts and problems as they arise. Don’t wait until you’re so angry or hurt you can’t take it anymore. Express your anger or displeasure in specific ways and keep it directed at your partner’s actions rather than his or her personality or character. Try not to place blame. Focus on the present and refrain from making global claims. Avoid
these words when stating a complaint: “You should have …” “You always …” “You never …”

Our studies show wives criticize more than husbands do. This is partly because women seem to see it as their job to bring problems to the couple’s attention. Husbands, on the other hand, are more likely to deal with conflict only when they have to. This can be an unfortunate combination because the wife’s criticism often results from the husband’s lack of response to her anger and irritability. When a wife complains but can’t get a decent response from her husband, her anger will inevitably escalate to criticism. Husbands can help prevent this by seeing their wives’ anger as a resource for improving the marriage. When she gets angry, she is simply putting her complaint “in italics.” The secret is for husbands to accept and respond to their wives’ anger before it escalates to criticism.

H
ORSEMAN
N
O. 2
: Contempt. Contempt is much like criticism, but it’s taken to a further extreme. A spouse who has contempt for his or her partner actually
intends
to insult or psychologically wound that person. Contempt often comes from feeling disgusted or fed up with your spouse, disapproving of his or her behavior, and wanting to get even. When you are feeling contemptuous, you fill your mind with demeaning thoughts—my spouse is ignorant, repulsive, inadequate, an idiot. In marriage, the longer you hold on to such thoughts, the harder it becomes to remember what attributes you found attractive in your spouse in the first place. With time, compliments, loving thoughts, and tender gestures go out the window. Kind acts and positive feelings are overrun by negative emotions and nasty exchanges.

Common signs that contempt has infected a marriage include insults, name calling, and hostile forms of humor, such as mockery and ridicule. One spouse might respond to another’s expression of anger in dismissive, demeaning ways, such as correcting the angry partner’s grammar. Body language can reveal that partners don’t find each other worthy of respect or trust. A wife might roll her eyes when her husband is talking. A husband might sneer with disgust.

Once the horseman of contempt has made himself comfortable in your marriage, it takes real vigilance to drive him away. It can be done, however, if partners are willing to change their thoughts, words, and actions toward each other. This begins by listening to the
internal script each of us carries in our minds. When you hear yourself rehearsing insulting or vengeful thoughts about your partner, imagine erasing or deleting such thoughts. Replace them with more soothing ideas such as, “This is a bad moment, but things aren’t always like this.” Or, “Although I may feel upset (disappointed, angry, sad, hurt), my partner has good qualities worth remembering.”

Keep in mind that you choose whether to assign negative or positive motives to your spouse’s behavior. If your partner fails to take out the garbage, for example, your beliefs can go one of two ways. You can tell yourself: “She thinks handling trash is below her. She’s such a prima donna that she waits for me and everybody else in her life to clean up her messes.” But you can also say: “She didn’t take out the trash because she didn’t notice it was full. She probably had her mind on something else. Maybe she’ll take care of it after a while.” Notice that the positive response is focused on the current, specific issue of the wife’s behavior regarding today’s trash. It doesn’t use the incident as evidence with which to seal a life sentence.

Although it may be difficult, try letting go of the idea that you need to win arguments with your spouse in order to prove an upper moral hand. Consider whether it might be better to simply forfeit fights from time to time.

Because contempt can erode admiration and affectionate feelings, the antidote is to generate more positive, loving thoughts about your spouse. Some couples find it helpful to reflect on the reasons they fell in love in the first place. Perhaps you thought she was funny, smart, sexy. Maybe he struck you as a kind, strong, fun-loving man. Spend some time with your memories. Look at old photos together if that’s helpful. Take time alone together to nurture and restore your relationship. Doing so could help you turn the tide before the next horseman arrives.

H
ORSEMAN
N
O. 3
: Defensiveness. When a spouse feels attacked by contemptuous insults, it’s only natural for him or her to become defensive. Still, defensiveness spells big trouble in a marriage because spouses don’t listen to each other when they believe they’re under siege. Instead, they often react by denying responsibility (“It’s not my fault Jason’s in trouble at school. You’re the one who babies him.”) Or, they make excuses for their problems. (“I would have been at Katie’s recital, but I had to work late.”)

Cross-complaining is another common form of defensiveness. (He protests her spending, so she comes back by complaining that he ought to earn more.) So is the “yes, but…” response, where agreements are transformed into resistance with the turn of a phrase. (“Yes, we need counseling, but it won’t do any good.”)

Sometimes people try to defend themselves by simply repeating the same point over and over again. It doesn’t matter what logic or additional information their spouses offer; the speaker simply keeps hammering away with the same point.

Defensiveness can also be expressed with tone of voice or body language. Whining is classic, implying that the speaker feels he is an innocent victim and not responsible for solving the problem at hand. Arms folded across the chest signify when someone has his guard up. A woman may touch her neck, as if fiddling with a necklace.

While feeling defensive is certainly understandable once a relationship has become contemptuous, it is also counterproductive to saving the marriage. That’s because these and other types of defensiveness shut down lines of communication.

The key to letting go of defensive communication is to hear your partner’s words not as an attack but as useful information that is being expressed in very strong terms. Obviously, this is easier said than done. But imagine what’s possible once disarmament begins. Your partner lobs an insult your way, and instead of denying what’s being said and hurling another insult in his or her direction, you find some kernel of truth in the statement and simply reflect on it for a moment. You might respond, “I never realized you felt so strongly about this. Let’s talk about it some more.” Your spouse is likely to be shocked at first, perhaps even distrustful of your reaction, and this may cause tensions to escalate. But over time, as you lay down weapons and armor, your partner is likely to see that you really mean for things to be different. You care about the relationship and you want your life together to be more peaceful.