Rank (19 page)

As we drove away from the Roberts’ ranch Cole said, “You and Shae were out in the pasture visiting Stella for a long time. Did you have a good time?” He raised his eyebrows expecting to hear some juicy details.

“Yeah, it was probably the best time of my life.”

“Nice. What’d you do?”

“Walked, held hands, and kissed.”

He laughed, but then he looked at my face and realized I wasn’t joking. “Holy shit you’re serious, aren’t you?”

“Yeah.” I rubbed my face with the palm of my right hand and tried to massage the tension out of my chest with my left. “I don’t think I can live without her.”

He punched me really hard in the shoulder. “Are you listening to yourself? You’re getting soft over a girl.”

“She does something to me.”

“She obviously doesn’t do something
something
to you.”

“No, it’s not like that. It’s way better than that. Have you ever been in love?”

“No, and I’m going to avoid it if it makes me act like you’re acting right now. I can’t believe you’re not going to help me pay off my debt because you decided to fall in love with some goody-two-shoes girl you never even used to notice.”

“I noticed her.”

“You didn’t even know what colour her hair used to be.”

“Yeah, well I know her now.”

“I hope so, since despite the fact that I’m going to get murdered, you gave her a twenty-five thousand dollar horse, a belt that probably set you back another thousand, and you dropped at least five hundred dollars on those boots because she said your other ones looked old. And that’s just the stuff I know about.”

“My boots were old.”

“Have fun planning my funeral and moving Mom into a dinky welfare apartment.”

“I don’t see why I have to be on the hook for your debt anyway.”

“You’re not on the hook for it. I’ll pay you back. All I’m asking is that you temporarily stop throwing away all your money on romantic gestures so I can at least borrow something to stave off my impending death.”

“Blake’s dad isn’t going kill you. He’s all talk.”

Cole glanced at me seriously, then focused back on the road.

“Jesus Christ. They’re going to kill you?”

“Let’s just say it’s not in my best interest to test them.”

“God damn it, Cole.”

We drove the rest of the way to Saskatoon in silence. We arrived home just after six o’clock. A hunting knife was stabbed in the door frame with a note.
Time’s up. Don’t make me come back here.

Cole read it and his Adam’s apple bobbed. I rushed into the house. It was quiet. Mom’s purse and keys were on the table next to a new pile of bills. “Mom!” Her bedroom door was open. She wasn’t in it. “Mom. We’re home. Are you okay?” I called through the bathroom door.

“Billy,” she said. She sounded like she was crying.

“What’s wrong?”

Her voice trembled as she said, “My legs went weak while I was in the bath. Can you go get Mrs. Spooner from next door and ask her to come over to help me?”

“I’ll help.”

“No. Can you just get Mrs. Spooner, please?” Her voice cracked.

I ran to the neighbour’s house and knocked on the door. She followed me back over to the house and called to my mom through the bathroom door.

“Janice, I need a little help getting out of the bath,” Mom called back.

Mrs. Spooner tried the door, but it was locked, so I got one of Mom’s hairpins and jimmied it. Mrs. Spooner went in and closed the door behind her.

“What’s going on?” Cole asked as he joined me in the hall.

“Mom was stuck in the bath and wanted me to call Mrs. Spooner over to help her.”

“How long has she been in there?”

“I don’t know.”

“Hopefully not since yesterday.”

I glanced at him and frowned as the thought sunk in that she might have been in there since we left. “We need to hire a nurse.”

“I know. I’ve been telling you that for months.” He glanced down at a text on his phone. “Shit,” he mumbled.

“What?”

“Lyle’s just making sure I got his note.”

I shook my head and leaned against the wall. I was so tired of everything.

“Maybe it’s about time you came out of retirement,” he said. “If we both ride, we’ll have a better chance of taking home the hundred thousand dollars.”

While I was thinking about it, Mrs. Spooner opened the bathroom door and popped her head out into the hall. “I’ve got her all wrapped up in her robe. Can one of you get her chair and one of you help me lift her out of the bathtub?” Cole went to get the chair from the living room. I followed Mrs. Spooner into the bathroom. Mom was shivering and hugging her knees into her chest.

“How long have you been in here?”

She looked up at me. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying and she had dark circles below them. “Not too long,” she said, weakly.

I bent over to slide one hand under her legs and the other one around her back. I lifted her out of the bathtub and carried her out into the hall. Cole was waiting with the chair. Mrs. Spooner touched my back and whispered, “Let me know if you need anything else.”

“Thank you.”

She left quietly and Mom rolled herself towards her room.

“Mom. We’re getting you a nurse.”

“I don’t need one, Billy.”

“Really? How long were you in there?” I shouted down the hall.

“I told you; not long.” She turned the chair to face us. “It’s humiliating enough that I needed to ask my children and the neighbour to get me out of the bath. Please don’t make it worse by hiring a stranger to make me feel like I’m a complete invalid.”

“It’s obviously not safe for you to be here by yourself.”

“Can we not over-react, please? I just had a bad day. It doesn’t happen very often.”

“It happens all the time,” I shouted because my frustration about everything was coming to the surface.

She started crying again. “We can’t afford a nurse.” She wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her robe.

Cole walked down the hall and bent over to hug her. “Don’t cry, Ma. Billy is working two jobs and I’ll find one eventually. We can afford it.”

“Billy can’t work two jobs once he’s back at school.”

Cole looked at me, but kept hugging her.

My phone buzzed, so I checked to see if it was Tawnie. It was a text from Shae-Lynn.
Video call me when you have a minute. I need to talk to you about something and I think it’s better if we are sort of face to face.

Cole rolled Mom into her room. I went into my room and picked up my iPad to call her. She was sitting in her room and she looked like she’d been crying as much as my mom. After wiping her cheeks and inhaling to compose herself, she said, “Your stress wrinkle is showing.”

“We came home and found Mom stranded in the bath. She won’t tell us for how long, but she may have been there since yesterday.”

“Oh my God. That’s awful.” She leaned her elbows on her desk and covered her face with her hands. Eventually she looked up. Her lip was trembling. “Billy, I need to tell you something. It’s really hard and I wish I didn’t have to, but—” She started crying and wiped the tears from her eyes.

My heart seized up. “Just say it.”

“My dad heard that Tawnie’s pregnant with your baby.”

“How did he find out? I never told anyone except Cole.” I glanced through my open door at Cole’s bedroom door across the hall.

She could obviously tell I was considering murdering him to get rid of the majority of my problems with one simple act. “It’s not Cole’s fault. Everyone would have found out eventually anyway.”

“Your dad can’t tell you what to do. You’re an adult. You can make your own decisions.”

“This is me making my own decisions. I just happen to agree with my dad that it’s better if we don’t date.”

It felt like a two-by-four smashed across my shoulders. I had to brace my hands on the desk. I couldn’t talk because I couldn’t breathe.

“I’m sorry, but after you left, I came to my senses.”

“Please don’t. At least give me a chance.”

“No. Your life is a mess and you have a baby on the way with a girl who lives in Edmonton. I don’t fit into that equation, and honestly I don’t want to.”

I closed my eyes and rubbed my temples. “Don’t quit now, Shae-Lynn.”

“I’m sorry to hurt you, but I deserve more than what you can give me.”

I stared at her, desperate to think of something to say that would change her mind. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.” She blinked and the tears rolled down her cheeks. “I always have, but I can’t anymore. I’m sorry, Billy.” She reached forward and, although it seemed to pain her, she ended the call.

I stood up and threw my iPad across the room. It slammed against the wall and the screen shattered. Rage flared inside me and I pushed the entire bookcase over. Everything dumped off it as it toppled to the floor with a crash. I threw a bunch of shit against the wall in a crazy rampage. Then I stood in the middle of my room staring at the mess.

“What the hell?” Cole asked as he stood in my doorway assessing the damage.

An impulse to beat the hell out of him tore through my muscles, but I knew it would upset Mom, so I exhaled to control my fury. “Get out of my way.” I shoved past him, ran down the hall, and burst out the front door. I sprinted down the street for about a block before slowing to a jog. Eventually, I ran out of steam and had to walk. I pulled out my phone and called Tawnie. “Listen, I’m tired of whatever game you think you’re playing. Call me back or I’m going to hire a lawyer. I have rights as a father and you can’t dick me around. Stop being a bitch and do the right thing.”

The following Wednesday, I took half a day off from Hank’s to interview home-care candidates. It was just after noon when I got home. Cole’s truck was in the driveway, but he wasn’t around, so I thought he hadn’t gotten out of bed. I pounded on his bedroom door. “Get up. The first interview is in ten minutes.” There was no answer, so I knocked again. “Jesus, Cole. Could you please act like an adult instead of a fifteen-year-old stoner for just one day?” I opened the door. He wasn’t in his room and the bed was made. I texted him as the doorbell rang.

After the last interview was over, I leaned on Mom’s bedroom door. “The person I hired is going to start on Friday.”

Mom nodded so I would know she heard me, but she wasn’t happy about it.

“I have to run an errand, but I won’t be gone long. Will you be okay alone for about an hour?”

“Yes. Please don’t baby me.” She glanced out the window at Cole’s truck. “Where’s your brother?”

I shrugged and ran my hands through my hair. “Is it all right if I ask you a question?”

She nodded.

“If you could have changed Dad, what would you have wanted him to be like?”

She smiled in a nostalgic way, but it faded. “Why do you ask?”

“I just don’t want to be like him.”

“You’re not like him. You got his good looks and bull riding talent, but you never were like him in any of the ways that matter. You were more of a man by the time you were thirteen than he ever was. Just be yourself, baby.”

I crossed the room and hugged her.

She pressed her lips together as if she was trying to force her mouth into a smile. She wasn’t quite successful. “Try to track your brother down and make sure he’s all right.”

I nodded, closed her door, and called Ron Miller as I walked out to my truck. “Hey, is it too late to sign up for the stock contractor event?”

“You’d be bumping one guy out, but it’s your choice since you’re ranked higher.”

“Would I be bumping Cole, Tyson or Blake?”

“No, it’s a young kid named Mikey.”

“Good. Count me in.”

I hung up and called Cole again, but he still wasn’t answering, so I left another message, “Thanks for your help with the interviews, shit head. I’m leaving for Calgary Friday morning at eight. If you’re not here, I’m leaving without you.” I hung up and drove to the bank. I took out all the money I had in my tuition account, then headed over to the Palomino.

Stephanie opened a bottle of beer and put it on the bar for me as I sat down on a barstool. “What are you doing here on a night off?”

“Is your brother still a bookie?” I asked her.

“Yeah.”

I slid the envelope of money across the bar. “Will you place this bet for the stock contractor event this weekend in Calgary for me?” I handed her a piece of paper with all the details.

She read what I wanted to bet on, then opened the envelope and fanned through the stack of hundreds. “How much is this?”

“Ten thousand.”

“It’s a lot of money to throw away if you’re wrong.”

“Let’s not think about that, all right?”

She nodded and tucked the envelope in the till. “How’s that girl you’re sweet on?”

“She doesn’t want anything to do with me.”

“Why?”

“Because she’s smart.”

Stephanie laughed and walked away to serve some middle aged guys at the other end of the bar. When she came back, she leaned her elbows on the bar and smiled at me in a way that felt a lot like pity. “Don’t give up, darling. My husband chased me for two years before I finally gave in.”

“It’s not that simple. I got another girl pregnant.”

“Jesus, Billy.” She straightened and shook her head in disappointment. “Why’d you go and do that?”

“I’m an idiot.” I tilted the beer bottle back and drank all of it. “See you next week.” I stood up.

“Good luck.”

I couldn’t tell by the look on her face whether she was referring to the bet or the mess my life was in.

When I got home, I sat in my truck staring at my phone. Every day since Shae-Lynn had broken it off, I had resisted the urge to call her, but the longer I sat there staring at my phone the more trouble I had convincing myself that avoiding her was for the best, especially since it was her birthday. Eventually, I texted her
two lines from a Lady Antebellum song that expressed how much I missed her.

She wrote:
We Owned The Night.

I miss you so bad I can barely breathe.

There was a pause before she wrote back:
I don’t know that one.

I’m Dying Without You by Billy Ray Ryan.

Sounds like a sad song.

Heartbreaking.

After a long delay, my phone buzzed again:
Show them how it’s done Saturday night.

Are you going to be there?

There was no response.

By Friday, Cole still hadn’t come home or called. The home care nurse showed up as I was packing my gear into my truck. Right after I hung up from leaving another message with Cole, a friend of his from high school walked up the driveway. “Hey, Billy.”

“Hey, Al. What’s up?”

“Just came by to pick up my new truck.”

Confused, I frowned and stared at his goofy grin. “What are you talking about?”

“Cole sold me his truck and a bunch of his other shit. He said he’d leave the keys on the kitchen counter because he wasn’t going to be here.”

“Where did he say he was going to be?”

“He didn’t. He just said he would leave all the other stuff in the truck.”

“What other stuff?”

“His fishing gear, tool kit, hockey equipment, flat screen, and his buckles.” He handed me a piece of paper. It was a bill of sale that had Cole’s signature on it. “He told me to give you the money.”

“The truck’s worth more than this.” I pointed to the amount written on the paper. “The damn thing is only three years old.”

Al shrugged. “I didn’t expect him to take my first offer.” He handed over a wad of cash and a cheque. “I had to post date some of it until I get paid. Is that all right?”

I rubbed my eyes. “It’s not enough anyway, so it doesn’t matter when you pay it.”

“That’s what Cole and I agreed on. I already transferred the insurance over.”

“I mean it’s not enough to cover his debt. Never mind. I’ll get the keys.” I found the keys on the counter and opened the back door to toss them out to Al.

“Thanks, man.”

“Yeah. Enjoy.”

I didn’t want to watch him drive away, so I closed the door and leaned on it. When Cole was eighteen, he gave away everything he owned and then went out to the barn with Dad’s shotgun. He sat on a chair with the gun on the floor between his feet. The stick he used to push the trigger slipped and caused the gun to tilt, so he ended up blowing a hole through the roof instead of his head. Grandpa stopped him before he was able to set up for a second try. Then he was hospitalized and diagnosed. None of us ever talked about it afterwards.

I walked down the hall to the den where we kept the gun cabinet. The firearms were all accounted for and the lock was in place, which didn’t mean too much since he had enough medication to off himself in a much less messy way.

He didn’t leave a suicide note the first time, but I checked his room to see if he had this time. Nothing initially looked out of the ordinary in his room and there was no note lying around. The wooden box of my dad’s rodeo and childhood mementos was open on the floor. The photos were spread out and some of the letters were unfolded. On the top of the pile was a picture of Dad and Cole at Cole’s first professional rodeo. Cole had won, and Dad had his arm across his shoulders, which was as close to a hug as either one of us ever got. They were sitting on the tailgate of Dad’s truck.

That’s when I realized where Cole probably was.

I made my way down the hall and stepped into the kitchen. I shut my eyes and slowly opened the door to the garage. A faint smell of engine oil and exhaust fumes wafted towards the open door. My eyelids clenched tighter, waiting for another odour to hit me. I really didn’t want to be the one to find his dead body, but Mom finding it would have been worse. It took every bit of strength I had to open my eyes. My racing heart stopped. Then I exhaled the breath I’d been holding. Dad’s truck was gone and the only thing left was a giant oil spot on the concrete.

I phoned Blake and woke him up, again.

“What the fuck, Ryan? Don’t you sleep?”

“Cole has until Saturday to pay up, right?”

“Yeah.”

“So, they wouldn’t do anything to him before that, right?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Yes, you do and if I find out that they touched one hair on his body before then, I’ll come after you. You understand?”

“Whatever. I’m not scared of you, Billy, and what those guys do to Cole has nothing to do with me.”

“It will have something to do with you if I go to the cops.”

“Go ahead. I don’t care if my dad goes to prison. You’d be doing me a favour.”

“Just make sure they don’t hurt him. I’ll get the money.”

“Have you fucked Shae yet? Because I was thinking about giving it another go with her — whether she wants to or not.”

My jaw muscles clenched and my left hand curled into a fist. “I’m going to assume that was your attempt at some sort of asshole sense of humour, but in case you’re serious, I should probably warn you that I would gladly rot in jail next to your dad if it came to that. Don’t go anywhere near her.”

“We’ll see. She might choose me when I beat you this weekend.”

“Too bad you’re not going to beat me.”

He laughed. “We’ll see about that too.”

I hung up and turned around. Mom was leaning on the archway that led to the dining room. “Was that about Cole?”

I shook my head and wiped my mouth with the back of my hand, so she wouldn’t see the lie.

“Did you get a hold of him?”

“He said he’s going to meet me in Calgary.” I looked down at the ground and ran my finger across my eyebrow.

“Billy. Don’t lie to me.”

I made eye contact. “He said he was going to be there.”

“Where’s he been?”

“He didn’t tell me.”

She frowned and studied my expression for a long time before she crossed the floor and turned the tap on. “If I find out you’re lying and he’s dead in a ditch somewhere or has his mouth wrapped around a shotgun, I’ll whup your ass.”

“You mean you’ll get your nurse to whup my ass.”

She smiled and turned the garburator on. It worked. I watched the water swirl down the drain and considered telling her the truth. It would only stress her out though, so I decided not to.

“Come here, hon.” She put her arms out so I would step in for a hug. She squeezed me tightly and kissed my cheek. “I take that back. It’s not your responsibility to make sure your brother is all right. Have a good ride this weekend. Make your daddy proud.”

“I’d rather make you proud.”

“I already couldn’t be more proud of you.”

I closed my eyes and squeezed her one more time. “I’m not perfect, Ma.”

“I know, honey.”

“Love you.” I put my hat on and left.