Authors: Sydney Allan
"Marian, you are such a joy." Faith said, trying to lighten the mood. A touch of light sarcasm had eased Marian's gloomy moods in the past.
Marian's half-hearted smile suggested Faith's meager effort worked. "Sorry. I don't know why I'm such a crank today. Actually, yesterday was a good day. Ella touched me--on her own."
"Oh, that's wonderful news! That must have felt amazing."
Marian nodded, her tentative smile broadening. "Yes, it did."
Their gazes tangled, until Faith broke the connection by glancing down at the box of supplies. It was difficult being so close to Marian when Faith fostered such damnable feelings for Garret. Sure, they were divorced, and she wasn't truly engaged to Steven…or was she? It all felt wrong. "You ready to start?"
"Yes."
"Today, I want you to gather things from nature that describe yourself. You can use color, texture, or smell, whatever you like to symbolize an aspect of yourself. Then, we'll discuss their meaning and make a collage."
With a nod, Marian stood and started scouring the surrounding area for treasures, glimpses of the woman who hid herself from the people around her.
While Faith waited, she sat at the picnic table and enjoyed the weight of the humid air, the sounds of the morning birdcalls, the flash of slanted sunrays on glittery dew-ridden grass and ivy.
She wondered what sorts of things Marian would collect. Even more, she wondered what she would choose to describe Garret. Thistles and pine needles? Porcupine quills?
A giggle slipped up her throat. Maybe. But she knew he possessed a soft middle under the spiny exterior. Hot, passionate, thoroughly fascinating.
A flood of warmth raced to her cheeks. What was she doing? This insane distraction with him was wrong--and so unprofessional.
Wrong, but unavoidable. He had possessed her mind somehow, even though she wore another man's ring. Faith forced her thoughts from the pleasant, but condemnable, to last night. To where they should be. To the man she had publicly promised to marry.
To marry! Just the thought of it sent her stomach up her throat. Why had she been such a fool? If she had kindly turned him down, he would have been embarrassed, granted. But at least he wouldn't have been hurt.
She couldn't marry him. Not when all she thought about was Garret. And even if nothing more ever happened with Garret, even if her obsession with Garret had more to do with his unavailability than with any real attraction, she wasn't being fair to Steven by agreeing to marry him. When she told him later that she couldn't accept his proposal, he would be hurt and mad, and she couldn't blame him.
Worse, she knew him. He wouldn't give up easily. He would plead with her. He would make all sorts of promises, and pull every string he had access to. The next few days were bound to be hell, she thought, glancing down at her hand. The round stone glittered in the bright sunlight slashing through the overhead foliage.
She felt strange wearing it. His diamond. It was a brand, marking his territory. She supposed if she loved him, it would feel wonderful.
"Okay, I did the best I could," Marian said.
"Great. Let's see what you have." Faith gratefully looked from the ring to Marian's solemn face.
Marian extracted a beechnut. "A nut. Hard shell, sweet interior."
"Okay, good."
Marian plucked a flower from her basket. "A pansy--colorful, delicate, fragrant."
"Excellent."
"Grass. It's low to the ground, rooted. Earthy."
"Interesting." Faith would have never thought of Marian as rooted, down to earth. There was definitely more to her than met the eye.
"A rock."
"A rock?" Faith repeated, intrigued.
Marian smiled slyly. "Rough around the edges, but when polished smooth, possessing a striking beauty." She set it on the table, adding, "Oh, and an element that takes a great deal of friction to change."
Faith nodded. "A rock. Well, I'd say you have a fine assortment here. Now, I'd like you to put them together into a collage."
Marian's expression changed. "I forgot to mention one other thing. A rock can also be quite dangerous."
Faith resisted the temptation to ask what she meant by her last comment and instead agreed, "And so they can be." Her bottom lip stung, and she realized she had bit into it.
Ten more days. Only ten more days.
"While you're working, why don't you tell me how each of these things impacts your relationships with other people, especially Raphaela?"
Marian plucked the rock from the marred tabletop and ran a finger over its sharp edges. The bright red polish on her fingernail was chipped, which surprised Faith. She'd never seen Marian look less than perfectly groomed.
"Garret and I are two rocks. Our rough edges grate against each other, but neither will let the other reshape who we are." She looked at Faith, the pain in her eyes plain. "I tried, Faith. I really did. I wanted our marriage to work."
"Of course, you did. No one ever said you didn't."
"He was my first love," Marian whispered, dropping her gaze back to the stone. "Our marriage was a dream come true. And then I decided it wasn't good enough, he wasn't good enough."
"Your needs are your needs, and the past is past. You made a decision. You can't take it back, but you can make the best of your life as it is." Faith hoped her words would encourage Marian rather than anger her.
"I wish I could--take it back."
Faith smiled. "I believe everyone makes at least one decision they regret." Silently ticking off all the bad decisions she had made through the course of her life, she watched Marian toy with the rock. There were too many mistakes to count.
Hell, she'd made several in the last twenty-four hours.
Marian returned Faith's smile, but it failed to touch her eyes. "I know what you say is true, but I guess I expected more from myself."
Faith chuckled. "Don't we all?"
"I lost my family. I don't have anything anymore. I wake up alone, lonely, and I know it's all my fault."
What do you say to that? Yeah, you screwed up? No.
Faith pitied Marian. After all, she knew exactly how it felt to be alone, to go home to a silent house at night, wishing there was someone to come home to. She knew how it felt to fall asleep at night wondering if she would ever meet the one person who would bring out the best in her--who would fulfill all those silly expectations a little girl fosters from the first time she listens to a fairy tale.
"What do you want to do now?" Faith asked. "You can't rewind time. You can't take things back, as much as you might like to. Can we concentrate on the present and the future?"
Marian nodded, but didn't speak.
"Have you talked to Garret about your feelings? Have you offered to reconcile?" Faith regretted asking the question, and then silently chastised herself for being selfish.
What stakes did she have in the Damiani's marriage? She felt like she was the dreaded other woman, yet she knew she was not. A glance down at the diamond flashing in the morning sun reminded her of her true station. She was the unwilling fiancée of a freelance journalist, Steven Abbott, not the lover of a psychiatrist named Garret Damiani. If only…
"…Garret," Marian said.
His name yanked Faith from her ruminating, and she realized she had missed something. "Garret?"
"Last night, I went to talk to him. I asked him what he thought--if there was a chance for us."
"And?" She tried not to sound too anxious. How much would it hurt Marian if she knew the truth--her therapist secretly hoped they wouldn't work things out? Faith hated herself at that moment. She was a cold, ruthless bitch. If she were in Marian's shoes, how would she feel after seeing the man she loved look at another woman with heat in his eyes? How would she feel if she knew the therapist who was supposed to help heal her family's wounds was actually hoping to cleave them open?
Oh, God.
"He said it's too late."
Oh, God.
"I'm sorry, Marian." Faith tentatively reached a hand to her, and as their fingers entwined, their gazes met. Faith dropped her eyes and stared at the peeling paint sheathing the rickety picnic table. She couldn't look at Marian. "After all this time, and after everything that has happened, that's a lot to ask from him."
"I know."
Faith gently tugged her fingers free from Marian's grasp, wishing she could as easily pry herself free from the guilt slithering up her spine and coiling around her neck. Garret and Raphaela were Marian's family. Faith had no claim to them, as much as she might like to.
Despite the instant connection, she felt with them.
This was wrong, very wrong. It was time to reclaim her professionalism, offer the support and care Marian deserved. "We've been working together for over six months now, and you've talked a lot about your past, about your relationships with Michael and Garret. I'm just a little worried about your timing here, to be honest."
"What does that mean?"
"I'm just curious. After everything you told me, why do you want to go back to Garret?" she asked, weighing each word, prodding Marian cautiously. Although Faith doubted she was entirely objective, she still needed to try to make sure Marian had thought her decision through.
"I know what you're saying. But, rest assured, I remember both the good and the bad. I'm not idealizing our marriage. Garret is still the detached psychiatrist hell-bent on curing everyone around him. I'll be his pet project, along with Ella, of course. He hasn't changed."
"And that's okay now? You couldn't live with it before."
Marian nodded. "It's his way of loving, as weird as that sounds. I know that now. I've matured. You see, I think he is afraid of something. Maybe afraid of being the kind of husband and father his own father was." She shrugged. "He's loyal, trustworthy, forgiving. How many men have you met like that?"
"Not many. But," Faith hesitated. She didn't want to ask the next question, or rather, she didn't want to hear Marian's answer. "Do you love him?"
"No. I don't. I don't think I ever did." She didn't hide from Faith, didn't drop her head, or turn away. Marian's gaze was steadfast, firm.
"Then you won't be happy. You're fooling yourself." Faith stopped herself from saying more. Her job was to help her patients make their own decisions, not preach at them.
"I'm not fooling myself. Our daughter needs us. Together. I need Garret."
Faith nodded, recognizing what lay between Marian's spoken words.
Since Michael had broken his engagement to Marian about two months ago, Marian had been alone for the first time in her adult life. Before leaving for the camp, Faith and Marian had met twice, and both times Marian had agonized over her loneliness. She couldn't be alone.
Marian needed Garret. If Garret would have her back.
"I have a therapy session with Garret scheduled for this afternoon…" Faith paused. Could she do it? Could she commit to helping Marian reconcile with Garret? The man she had nearly kissed less than twenty-four hours ago. The man who had monopolized her dreams last night and her thoughts, no matter how hard she tried to push him from her mind. "…I could talk to him about reconciliation. See if I could help." Her heart liquefied, a strange, deep darkness settling in to take its place.
A soft smile touched Marian's features for the first time since they'd spoken Garret's name. "Oh, could you? I know I'm asking a lot, but…" She stood and walked to Faith, took both of Faith's hands in her own and continued, "…you are a true friend. Thank you."
Those words, a well-meant declaration, sliced Faith to pieces. True friends don't secretly hope your marriage cannot be reconciled. True friends don't secretly yearn for their friend's husband, his touch, his kiss. True friends don't hold their breath, awaiting a single spark in deep sapphire eyes.
Marian gripped Faith's hand and lifted it, inspecting her ring. "And do you have some news to share with me?"
Faith swallowed, tugging her hand free and slipping it behind her back. Her face heated. "News? No."
"Come on. Tell me!" Marian urged, beaming. "You weren't wearing that rock yesterday."
"It's…" The words Faith wanted to say refused to come out of her mouth. She simply nodded.
Marian clapped her hands, all traces of weariness and misery gone from her expression. "When? Who?" Those feelings, the sadness and despair that had weighed upon Marian's shoulders jetted through the air and settled into Faith's heart.
"An old boyfriend. Steven. It won't be happening for a long time, though."
She was grateful when Marian didn't ask for more. Instead, Marian hummed gaily as she worked on her project.
The next twenty minutes were torture as Faith waited for Marian to finish. Thoughts of how to break her engagement to Steven were interrupted by fevered and unwelcome thoughts of Garret, memories of how he'd looked stripped to his waist yesterday afternoon. How she'd felt standing next to him, working closely with him, how she'd wanted to run her hands down his chest, to trail a fingertip down his washboard stomach. How strangely close she'd felt to him as they'd talked. How sad she'd felt when she'd watched him walk away.