Rapturous (28 page)

At about three o’clock, Flynn appears at my door, his smile stretching from ear to ear. “She passed.”

“Of course she did.” I’m thrilled for Natalie, who never had the chance to learn to drive the way regular teenagers do. When Flynn found out she’d never driven a car, he had me apply for
a permit with the state of California so he could teach her himself.

“Perfect score.” He’s like a proud papa crowing about his wife.

“Congratulations. Is she here?”

“Nope. She’s on her first solo ride home.” He checks his watch. “And I’m waiting to hear she got there okay.”

“You’re too funny. She’ll be fine, and everything is set for tonight.”

“Thank you.”

“Always a pleasure.”

He comes
in and shuts the door, leaning back against it. “Is the plan for later still a go?”

“It is.”

“And you’re sure it’s a wise idea?”

“I’m not sure of anything except that I love him, he loves me, and this one thing is keeping us apart. I’ve got to do something drastic to get us over this hurdle.”

“That one thing isn’t a small thing, Addie. It’s a big thing. It nearly ruined everything for me with
Natalie.”

“Because you kept it from her. Why do you guys think the women in your lives can’t handle a little kink?”

He looks up at the ceiling. “I can’t believe we’re having this conversation.” He brings his gaze back to me. “First of all, it’s not ‘a little kink.’ It’s a way of life, and it’s not for everyone. Second of all, it’s a totally different proposition when you’re in love with your
partner. It raises the stakes to a whole new level, and I’d never been there before Natalie, just like Hayden hasn’t been there before you.”

“I get it. I really do. But I wish he would trust me enough to know I can handle it.”

“How do you know that? Have you done it?”

“No, but—”

“But nothing, Addie. Until you’ve actually
been
there and
done
that, you have no idea what you can handle, and neither
does he. That’s what’s holding him back. He’s afraid if he shows you the full extent of who he really is as a demanding, bold, sexual dominant, you won’t love him anymore.”

Flynn’s description of Hayden has me tingling in places I never tingle when I’m talking to my boss, who also happens to be one of the sexiest men on the planet. I swallow hard as I try not to let my imagination run wild about
the sexiest man on
my
planet.
 

“Hayden doesn’t love easily,” Flynn continues, seemingly unaware that he’s set me on fire with his talk of Hayden as a demanding dominant. I wish I had a fan to cool my heated face. “He learned at an early age that love equals pain. I haven’t talked to him about this, but I have no doubt that his biggest fear is losing your love.”

“That’s not going to happen,”
I say softly, tears filling my eyes. As if my heart will ever beat the same way for anyone but him.

“I know you want to believe that, but until you know everything, you can’t say that for sure—and neither can he.”

“A lot of things make more sense now. Thank you for spelling it out for me.”

“After some initial hesitation, I’m really pulling for you guys. I think you’d be great together.”

“I
do, too.” Or at least I hope so. Hearing Flynn’s take on things, I’m filled with more doubts than I had before, but these doubts are about me rather than Hayden. What if Flynn’s right? What if I can’t take what Hayden is dishing out? What if I can’t be what he wants or needs? What then?

The assistant who has plans for her backup plans has no idea what she would do then.
 

Chapter 15

The studio loves the name
Insidious
for the new film, resolving what had become a massive headache for me and the other Quantum principals. I send an email to my partners to let them know the good news, and I copy Addie on the message, giving her full credit for the idea.

I love seeing the
flood of responses that congratulate her for doing what people far above her pay grade had failed to do—name the unnamable film.
 

Insidious
. It’s a good word. It certainly describes my lifelong interaction with addiction of all kinds. It also describes my experience thus far with being in love. I looked up the word on Webster’s online dictionary, which defines it as “causing harm in a way that
is gradual or not easily noticed.”

She snuck under my skin when I wasn’t looking, working her way in so deep I can never get her out, even if I wanted to, which I don’t. I’m terrified that the harm, all the harm, will come from me to her, that she’ll be my unsuspecting victim, that she’ll regret giving her heart to a man as fucked up as I can be at times.

I can’t recall a time in my adult life
when fear crippled me quite the way it has lately. If anything, I’m known for being somewhat fear
less
. I don’t dither over the hundreds of decisions I make in a given day. Most of the time, I don’t give a rat’s ass what people think of me or whether I piss off the establishment in pursuit of my agenda.
 

But, God, I care about her. I care about her more than I’ve cared about anyone ever, and that’s
what has me so paralyzed that I’m on the verge of losing her before I ever really have her.
 

Tonight, after the get-together at Flynn’s, I’ll convince her to come home with me. I’ll take her to the place in Malibu where we’re assured of complete privacy, and I’ll begin to indoctrinate her into my lifestyle. I’ll teach her what she needs to know to decide whether it’s for her. At some point during
the restless night I spent in my car outside her place, I realized there are degrees of involvement. I don’t have to do everything with her to make her part of it.

I have to do just enough to make her believe I’ve given her everything. The rest can come later or not at all.
 

I remember when Flynn was falling for Natalie, and he told me he would live without the lifestyle before he’d live without
her. I told him I couldn’t do that. I need the control and the dominance too much to ever abandon the lifestyle that has defined me. But now that I’ve had a taste of sweet Addie, I’m no longer so certain. It has begun to settle in on me that I could more easily live without the dominance than I could without her. If you’d asked me that before Oscar night, I would’ve said that no one woman would
ever be more important to me than the control.
 

But now nothing is as black-and-white as it was before that first night with her. I just don’t know anymore what I would pick if faced with a choice—her or the dominance. The thought of living without either of them is unimaginable, which is why so much is riding on tonight. If I can give her a taste and test her reactions, I’ll have a better idea
of what might be possible for us.
 

During the early evening ride to Flynn’s in the Hollywood Hills, I plan a scene that has me rock hard in anticipation. Picturing her wrapped up in my ropes, her nipples clamped, her ass plugged, her sweet pussy mine for the taking…
Fucking hell
. I’m out of my mind with lust and desire and overwhelming love. It’s a love so big it takes up all the space inside
me. It fills me in places I didn’t know were empty until she loved me. All that matters at the end of this day is that she still loves me. I simply can’t bear the alternative.

I put my desire on ice for the time being. Part one of this evening is about celebrating Natalie. Part two will be about worshiping Addison.
 

The whole gang is already there when I arrive, carrying the huge bouquet of
flowers I picked up for Natalie on the way. Our guest of honor is positively glowing as she greets me with a kiss to the cheek. There was a time, not that long ago, when I wondered if she and I would ever be friends. That time already seems like ages ago. She’s made Flynn so fucking happy, I can’t help but adore her.

“For you.” I hand over the flowers. “Congratulations.”

“Thank you so much,
Hayden! They’re
gorgeous
.”

“You’re welcome. So proud of you, Nat.”

She hugs me tightly. “Thank you.”

“Will you take me for a ride one of these days?”

“She will do no such thing.” Flynn shoves at my shoulder to end the hug. “Get your filthy hands off my wife.”

“Shut up, Flynn,” Nat says, “and go put these in a vase.”

I snort with laughter at how she handles him so perfectly. Watching them,
I’m struck by the realization that Addie and I could be like them. We could find a happy medium where she’s my sub in the bedroom, and I’m her slave in life. I could live with that. I seek her out in the group and find her talking to Marlowe and Leah and Flynn’s sister Ellie, but she’s looking at me, which brings an unreasonable amount of comfort.

Over the happy shouts of Flynn’s nieces and nephews
in the pool, our eyes meet, and I can’t look away. I can’t see anyone but her. The moment is broken when Flynn’s parents arrive and his dad claps me on the back.

“I understand
Insidious
is the word of the day,” Max Godfrey says in his big booming voice.

I force myself to look away from Addie to focus on Max. “You understand correctly.”

“Perfection,” Max says.

“Tell Addie. It was her idea.”

“I shall do that.”

“Hayden,” Stella Flynn says when she joins her husband and me. “We heard your mother is in the hospital. Is she all right?”

“She’s fine after a nasty bout of food poisoning, and as of four o’clock this afternoon, she’s home. She kicked me out so she could get some sleep.”

“Thank goodness she’s all right,” Stella says, gripping my arm.

I cover her hand with mine. “It’s okay,
Stel. You can say what you really mean. Thank goodness it was
only
food poisoning.”

“That, too,” she says with a warm smile. The Godfreys were close friends with my parents back in the day, before everything in my family went to shit, before my parents’ epically ugly divorce and my mother’s slide into addiction put a wedge between them and most of the people in their lives—including me.

We eat
and drink—well, they do, I abstain because I want my wits about me for later—and we celebrate Natalie. Flynn makes a big production out of presenting her with the keys to his silver Mercedes sedan, which is now hers.

Watching them, I feel a kernel of hope take root deep inside of me. If they can make it work, why can’t we?
 

My partners are thrilled with the title we’ve settled on for the new
film, and when we’re all sitting around the outdoor fireplace after a delicious steak dinner, Jasper makes a toast to Addie, who “saved our arses” with her great idea.

She blushes in embarrassment, but her eyes sparkle with pleasure at the well-deserved attention.

“Does anyone else love the way ‘saved our arses’ sounds so filthy when he says it?” Ellie Godfrey says.

“Me,” Leah says, raising
her hand.

The other women, including Addie, follow suit.

Jasper flashes a leering smile and waggles his brows. “I got a lot of filthy words where those came from, ladies.”

Everyone else laughs, but I notice Ellie watching him the same way I imagine I look at Addie. I’d be much more interested in wondering what’s going on there if I didn’t have my own dragons to slay.