Rarity (8 page)

“Good girl.”  I didn’t dare tell her anything about how bad my day went.  I needed Meg to get out of this hospital and I didn’t want to affect her mood. 

“So Doc says I can go home tomorrow,”  she was beaming.  “I can’t wait to sleep in my own bed.  And eat junk food in the middle of the night,”  I laughed, it’s funny how you miss the simple things in life when you can’t have them.

“How is your leg?”  Meg lifted the covers back and they had a light gauze dressing on it. 

“I’ll look a little Frankenstein-ish, but I’ll be fully functional.”  Meg and I chatted a while longer till Mom came back in the room.  She really seemed like her old self. 

After getting a much needed hug and saying bye to Meg, Mom and I ate a quick meal at the corner taco stand, then we headed to Jay’s.  The sun had already disappeared for the day since winter was quickly approaching.    The streetlamps had already turned on a cast their golden glow on the passerby’s below.  Jay’s house had the lights on so it was easy to recognize the house.  I hoped Jay was home.  I felt fluttery and buzzy inside my body, like I had OD’d on adrenaline.  Mom turned to me, “Want me to go with you?”  I debated this for a moment.  I could use her support but I was a big girl and felt strange going to the door with my mom. 

“Could you just wait for me here in the car?  I might be a few minutes.”

Mom nodded, then bent over and kissed my cheek, “I love you.”

“I love you too.”  I walked toward the front door and felt so torn inside my body.  Part of me wanted to run away and cower and never know why I had that terrible feeling, the other part of me stood tall and wanted to understand this.  I willed my feet to move forward and managed to ring the bell.  After two rings I heard footsteps.  Soren answered the door.

“Brogen, what are you doing here?”  He looked surprised to see me.  He was dressed in a baggy t-shirt and some comfy lounge pants, more casual than his usual look at school.  But there was more.  Something was off, Soren seemed uncomfortable.  Something bad had happened and he wasn’t prepared for giving me that news.

“Is Jay here?”

“Jay, yeah. Listen he is here but now is not a good time,”  Soren said.

“Is he ok?”  I was searching Soren for answers.

“Sure.  Listen, I’ll let him know you came by and ask him to talk to you tomorrow. See ya’.”  Soren shut the door.  ‘Sure’, what kind of answer was that?  If Jay was hurt, surely he’d say something other than ‘sure’.  So at least I knew he was alive, but Soren didn’t give anything else away.  I walked to the car.  My mom looked at me puzzled.

“Well, he’s alive.  But he couldn’t come to the door, so I don’t know.”  I looked down at my hands that were twisting and turning with nerves. 

“Well, not much more you can do then.  Do you feel any better?”

“Just a little.”

“Listen, don’t dwell on it.  He’s ok, we can figure the rest out later.  Take a hot bath when we get home and hit the sack early.  You’ve got to be exhausted from all that adrenaline,”  Mom ordered.  When we got home I did just as Mom suggested.  I put on some music and made the water extra hot and sank deep into the hot tingles the water created all over my skin.  I stayed in till the water cooled down.  I was sufficiently pruned and needed some cream to replenish my wrinkled up skin.  I brushed my teeth and put on my pjs.  Then I sketched till I felt the draw of sleep.  As I laid there drifting off, I thought of a fern frond, with each breath I envisioned the frond uncoiling and recoiling, uncoiling, recoiling, uncoiling…

The next day I made it to school a little early.  My locker looked brand new, minus the ‘slut’ artwork.  I wondered if my breakdown yesterday scared the staff into cleaning that off in record time?  I took out my books and headed to Jay’s locker.  I waited till the bell rang for first period but there was no Jay, so I headed to class, not caring that I was late.  I took my seat and looked over, surprised to see Jay sitting at his desk.  He didn’t look up and he wasn’t bantering with the guys around him.  He looked off...like there was a black rain cloud over his head.

“Nice of you to join us Miss Sullivan.  Would you mind opening your book so I could continue?”  I was still looking at Jay - surprised that he still had not looked up.

“Yes, sorry Sir.”   I hated being this close to Jay and not being able to ask if he was ok.  I glanced at him several times in class, but unlike before, he never looked my way.  He was like a turtle hiding in his shell.  As class wrapped up I gathered my things slowly in hopes to bump into Jay on the way out of class.  Unfortunately this backfired because he bolted out the door.  I was beginning to suspect I wouldn’t see him at lunch with his avoidance capabilities.  What had changed?  Did I do something wrong?

In the lunch line I saw Soren a few feet ahead of me. I excused myself in line and came up next to him.  “Hey Soren.  What the heck is up with Jay?  He bolted out of first period superfast.”

“I don’t know Brogen, maybe he had to take a leak,” he suggested jokingly.  “Listen, it’s not my deal, I can’t tell you anything, if you wanna’ know what’s up with Jay, you’re gonna’ have to ask him yourself.  Not trying to be mean, it’s just not my deal to tell.”  So there was something going on.

“Thanks and sorry to put you in the middle.” 

I never saw Jay at lunch, but I did see him later in the day at his locker.  I knew there was a swim meet after school so I called my mom to tell her I was attending it and would be home later.    I packed up my bag and went to the restroom before heading to the aquatic building.  I grabbed a seat near the floor so I could chat with Jay if the chance arose.  But Jay wasn’t at the meet.  I pulled one of his teammates aside and asked if they knew where he was.  The swimmer said Jay quit the team earlier that day.  What the heck?  I walked home and found myself alone.   Mom had patients tonight so I heated some leftovers and watched tv.  I stared blankly at the screen and searched my mind for what could have happened to Jay.  He went for some tests but he looked healthy, even swam on the school team, he’s not a troublemaker…  Why would he quit the team?  Maybe something happened to his dad?  Ugh, I wish Soren would just tell me, or Jay would sit still long enough for me to ask him.

*****

The next day was a new day...had to be better.

At school I was greeted by,“What happened to your boyfriend?”  Becca’s taunting voice. 

“Bug off Becca.” I wasn’t in the mood for her and did not hesitate letting her know that. Jay was not in school the rest of the week.  I worried he moved away.  Maybe his Dad came out of rehab and they went home.  Maybe he had cancer?  School was not the same without Jay.  The day dragged on and I was counting minutes to pass the time.  At night I couldn’t stop my brain from fretting over what was happening.  I just needed to know.  I would deal with whatever it was, but not knowing is going to drive me insane.

“Where are you?”  Mom asked me randomly on Thursday.

“Umm, right here.”

“Are you ok?  You’ve been spacey all week.”  she probed.  I just nodded, I didn’t have any answers.  “If you wanna’ unload what’s on your mind...you know where to find me.” she said as she grabbed a book and sat in her comfy reading chair in the next room. 

Friday...too many days without Jay.  I would go insane over the weekend if I didn’t find something new out. I impulsively ditched my last class and headed straight to Jay’s house.  Finding Jay and talking with him was worth the detention I’d probably earn. I had never ditched school before and while it was exhilarating, it also was a bit terrifying.  But I pulled it off without a problem, probably because no one suspected a rule follower to ditch..

I ran most of the way but slowed when I got to his street.  I wasn’t sure what to say, I just let me feet carry me away.  My heart rate picked up when I saw him shooting baskets on his aunt’s driveway.  I would just have to trust my gut and wing the impromptu conversation.

“So, too cool for school?  Or did the NBA approach you?”  Jay turned toward me surprised.  His cheeks were flushed from the cold and exercise.  His shadows under his eyes seemed darker.  His face held no joy. “Sorry, didn’t mean to startle you.”  The wind blew an icy breeze at me just then and I shivered.

“What are you doing here?  School’s not out yet.”  Jay said.

“Actually, I need some help...hoped you’d be willing to help me out.”  I plopped down on the grass under the basketball net and wrapped my coat around me tightly.  “How can you stand to be out here without a coat?”  The wind blew another
bitter gust at me that made my bones frigid.

“You ditched class to ask me why I’m outside without a coat?”

“No no, it’s just freezing out here.  Sorry.”  He didn’t offer for us to move to a warmer location and there was no smile to light up his face.  “Anyway, I think I’m going crazy.  See, I had the strangest sensation come over me when I said goodbye to you before your doctor’s appointment last week.”  As soon as the sentence finished I felt anxiety and darkness rolling off of him.  He looked away and began dribbling the ball.  “I haven’t had a chance to ask how that went.  Is everything ok?”

“Sure.  Why do you care?”

Why did I care? 
Because I like you/love you, because you saved my life, because you’re funny and kind, because I want you to be ok. Because I felt like someone took my heart and stuck it in a blender.  
“I can’t help thinking that my mood was linked to that appointment.  I know...sounds crazy.  I honestly think so too.  But, if something happened - it might explain why I felt like something awful was going to happen.  Then I could quit feeling like a freak losing her mind.”  I muttered that last part but he stopped dribbling and looked over at me as if he heard.

“Please tell me you’re ok.”  I pleaded.  He looked surprised to see how affected I was.

“If I tell you...  I can’t take it back.”    What an odd thing to say.  I nodded in agreement and was now more curious than ever.  He sat down on the ball in front of me.  For the longest time he just stared at me, studying me.  Finally he stood up and said, “Actually, nevermind.  I’m teasin’..  I’m fine.  100% fine.”  He dribbled the ball away from me and shot a basket.  “Go home Brogen, I’ll be back in school Monday.”

“Wait,”  I approached Jay and grabbed his arm.  He looked at it like it burned his skin so I quickly removed it.  “You can tell me.  Who the hell would I tell?”  The look in his eyes was full of conflict.  There was more to the story than he was telling.  He wanted to tell me, but he couldn’t...or wouldn’t.  “I know something happened.”

“I’m good.  Thanks for stopping by.”  Tight lipped.

He grabbed the ball and headed toward the house without looking back. He was withdrawing and turning a cold shoulder toward our friendship and I had no idea why. 

When I got home I was surprised to see Mom sitting at the kitchen table in a rigid position. She looked pissed.  I had totally forgotten that I had ditched.

“Care to tell me why you skipped class?”  Ugh. 

“Mom, it won’t happen again.  A friend of mine was in trouble and I had to talk with them.”  I conveniently left out the part that mentioned Jay was the friend in need and that I left school grounds to go to his house. 

She looked at me and I could see the anger slide away.  “Ok, don’t do it again.  It was nice of you to look out for your friend but don’t make bad choices that affect your life for that friend.”  I nodded in agreement. I didn’t even learn anything new so my ditch was in vain.  Hopefully I would not get a detention slip on Monday.

Chapter 11

Monday.  “Think Jay will be here today?”  Meg asked.  I shook my head because I honestly did not know.  “Do you still like him?”  I shrugged my shoulders as I walked toward Algebra.  Meg bit her lip and looked as if she got caught sneaking something.   I turned to see Jay inches from me, staring as if he heard us.  Meg mouthed the word “sorry”.  But I wasn’t mad, I was being truthful. If Jay overheard us and thinks I don’t like him, that’s his own fault for shutting me out. 

In class, Jay sat in his chair and stared straight ahead.  He looked good, strong, healthy.  I tried to spot what might be different about him.  I honestly couldn’t figure it out.  The bell rang and the girl sitting next to him dropped her books.  Jay bent down to pick them up.  I saw a black paracord bracelet with a silver medallion on it strung around his right wrist.  This wasn’t a big difference - but he had never worn that before.  He wasn’t the jewelry wearing type.  I hoped to get a closer look at lunch time. 

Meg was sitting in our usual spot and I glanced over to where Soren was sitting.  He was laughing it up with the kids at the table and eating his lunch.  Jay walked over and set his tray down.  I looked for Jay’s bracelet but his hoodie covered it. 

“I’m not good enough company for you?”  Meg interrupted my staring.  “What are you looking at anyway?”  She peered in the direction of Jay’s table.  Then she smiled at me.  “Nevermind. Your man is back and you still like him,”  she teased.

“He is not my man.  Actually, I’m trying to see his bracelet,”  I added.

“Why, is it super cool?  I didn’t take Jay as a jewelry wearing kinda guy.”  He wasn’t which made me even more interested in the bracelet.  “Listen, in English Lit we are in small groups today.  I’ll get with his group and check into it.”

“Thanks Meg.”  We ate and talked about our boring weekend while staring in Jay’s direction. 

When 3PM hit, Meg found me at my locker.  “Ok, Jay’s bracelet is a medic alert bracelet.  No clue as to why he wears one though.  He was kinda withdrawn in class - not like himself.  What’s his deal?”

I shook my head and packed up my books.  “I don’t know.”  I could see Jay walking several feet in front of us. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow, I’m gonna’ try to catch up to him.” 

“Good luck,”  Meg wished.  I picked up my pace, not wanting to appear too obvious.  Hopefully within the next block I would catch up to him.  I wasn’t in as good of shape as I had been before the accident and the cold air hurt my lungs - but I was gaining ground.  Then a silver VW Jetta pulled up to Jay. It was Becca and her friends offering a ride.  Surprisingly, he got in, even though his aunt’s house was a block and a half away.  I stayed far enough back to avoid being spotted.   But instead of going straight toward his aunt’s,  they turned and headed east.  I continued on toward my house.

Tuesday morning I saw Becca hanging all over Jay like syrup on a waffle.  He didn’t seem repulsed but he also was not returning the cuddles.  I tried to not watch but it was like when there’s a car crash on the side of the road - you just gotta’ look.  When Becca said goodbye to head to class she gave Jay a peck on the cheek.  He smiled a half smile her way.  When he turned away, he caught me watching them.  Heat rushed into my cheeks.   There were no words, just Jay  downcasting his eyes and walking away.  My heart sank.  What had I done to turn him away from me?  Why were he and Becca becoming closer?  Maybe he finally realized that I was nowhere near his league.  I was losing him and I felt so sad inside. So vulnerable.

At lunch he sat with Becca and her crew.  I had to turn my chair away from them because I felt the jealousy eating me up.  Meg did her best to distract me and tried to make plans for the weekend.  It was mindless chatter - but it filled the half hour.  After lunch I headed to the bathroom.  I picked the middle stall and I heard some girls come in after me to gossip by the sinks. 

“He’s so hot.  Becca is so lucky,” one girl said.

“I heard they went all the way, and Jay was to die for,” another said.  My mouth dropped open and I peered through the bathroom door.  It was not the Blondesquad, but a wannabe group that followed the Blondesquad in hopes to be recognized one day.  I flushed the toilet and went to wash my hands.  One of them  shushed the others.  “Hey Brogan,” a little brunette said.  I didn’t know her name but I knew she was in first period with Jay and me.  I nodded in her direction and left the bathroom.  When I hit the hall I heard laughter coming from the bathroom behind me.   I was pissed.  Screw Jay.  Screw Becca.  I wanted my life to go back to normal.  I wanted it to be Meg and me cruising through our junior year, mostly unrecognized and totally drama free.  Interacting with Jay bought me a ticket into the world of social hell and I didn’t want to be here.  He was gonna’ hear it from me today.  I wanted off this ride. 

When the final bell rang I grabbed my stuff and ran for the school doors.  I was going to catch Jay before Becca and her gang swooped him up in her car.  I waited at the bottom of the stairs, trying to look calm.  Everyone left through this door so I was guaranteed to see him.  Soren passed me and said a quick “Hey Brogan.”  I worried about what would happen if Becca came out first or if they came out together.  I hadn’t figured out what I would do then...abort the mission?  It was freezing outside and the sky had clouds heavy with precipitation.  Maybe we would see snow before Thanksgiving.  I scanned the crowd at the top of the stairs and found Jay bounding down the steps.  When he hit the last one I picked up my bag and caught up to him.

“Jay, wait a second.  I need to talk to you.”  He had the nerve to roll his eyes at me, but he stopped and faced me. 

“Fine, what do you want?”  I would be lying if I said his coldness didn’t piss me off and hurt.

“Five minutes.”

“Fine.”  He led me to an alcove that was away from the exiting students.  “What?”

“I don’t know what has happened.  What happened to us.  I had a normal life, quiet, one amazing friend, no drama before you came to town.”  I licked my lips.  He looked up at my face, prepared to take whatever I gave him...his walls were up.  “Then you show up, save my life, amaze me with kindness and charisma.”  A tear fell down my face.  “I let you in.”  I looked down at the ground, tried to gather the strength in my voice to say the next part.  “I never let anyone in.” I lost myself as the realization set in.  “Then as fast as you drew me in - you pushed me away and now?   Here I am... without you and drowning in drama.”  I looked up at him and he is stared at me intently, but he was silent.  “I was willing to take the drama - any and all of it, if I had you.  But you’ve turned away from me and ...now you’re with Becca.  I can’t believe you wasted no time in sleeping with her..”  I had to look away when I said that last part.  “I want off this ride.  I’m sick of it.  I’m sick of hoping you’ll be my friend again only to find out you have nothing to say to me.”  I shook my head.  More tears.  “That’s it.  You can’t have anymore of me.”  I turned and walked away from him.

He didn’t follow.  I left him standing there with a shocked look on his face.  But he chose Becca.  I put my sunglasses on so I didn’t have to worry about the tears falling from my eyes.  When I was ten steps away I heard Becca in a group of girls on my right gushing over Jay and bragging that she was going to ask him to come home with her again.  Bitch.