Authors: Mark Ravenhill
Lorraine
I didn’t mean tongues.
Suzanne
No?
Lorraine
No. I didn’t mean that.
Suzanne
Oh.
Suzanne
continues videoing
.
Lorraine
. . . It’s not like I ever liked her. Used to lie awake sometimes. Used to lie awake and think: Wish you’d die. Wish you were dead you old witch. But now . . . now . . . I . . . I go down the shops the same time as her. I watch her programmes. I wear her clothes. I put on her clothes and I watch her programmes and I eat pizza like she used to eat pizza.
Suzanne
I see.
Suzanne
puts down the camera
.
Lorraine
You don’t have to stop.
Suzanne
I think maybe. . .
Lorraine
I don’t want you to stop. And if the phone goes and it’s the double glazing and that I don’t say: ‘No. She’s dead.’ I say ‘speaking’. I do her voice and I say ‘speaking’.
Suzanne
Listen . . .
Lorraine
I feel so empty.
Suzanne
Listen, Lorraine, let’s . . .
Lorraine
Why do I feel . . . ? It’s not like I ever liked her.
Suzanne
puts down the camera
.
Lorraine
I told you not to stop.
Suzanne
Lorraine, I’m just going to . . . hold you. Nothing . . . Okay?
She holds
Lorraine
.
That’s it.
Her pager goes off. She ignores it. It carries on. She gets up, reads the message.
I’m sorry. I’ve got to go.
Lorraine
Alright then.
Suzanne
I’m sorry. It’s just. . .
Lorraine
It’s alright.
Suzanne
Sorry. I know it’s shitty. It’s just very important.
Lorraine
That’s alright.
Suzanne
No really. My . . . my baby’s going to be born. Our . . . my partner. . .
Lorraine
Your girlfriend?
Suzanne
Yes. My girlfriend is having a baby. And . . . I’ve got to be there. I want to be there.
Lorraine
Course.
Suzanne
You going to be alright?
Lorraine
Course.
Suzanne
I’m sorry.
Exit
Suzanne
.
Lorraine
(
calls
) You left your . . .
Front door slams.
Jumper.
Drawing room.
Cardew
(
off
) Colonel Moncrieff. Colonel Moncrieff.
Enter
Moncrieff
followed by
Cardew
.
Cardew
It really is most urgent. One of my boys has been mislaid.
Moncrieff
Mislaid, Mr Cardew? How careless.
Cardew
Not through want of care. No. I am the most caring and watchful / of . . .
Moncrieff
Just so.
Cardew
My boys could not receive more attention. I am at / all times . . .
Moncrieff
Of course. At all times.
Cardew
But despite my care and attention and instruction and . . . forgive me. It has been a great upset. This morning the fencing master called as usual. Instruction was about to begin when I noticed that one of the boys was missing. I called names, I counted heads. And Eustace . . . Eustace was nowhere to be found.
Moncrieff
Eustace?
Cardew
Mr Wilton.
Moncrieff
Ah, Mr Wilton.
Cardew
The search was begun immediately. Hither and thither, high and low. Willis’s, Drury Lane, the Savoy. But nothing. I am beside myself.
Enter
Constance
, heavily pregnant
.
Constance
Mr Cardew.
Moncrieff
No, my love. This is not proper.
Constance
I thought I heard voices.
Moncrieff
You must stay in your room.
Constance
Confinement is unbearable. I am so lonely.
Moncrieff
It is your burden.
Constance
Please. For a short while.
Cardew
(
to
Constance
) Have you seen Mr Wilton? Didn’t he visit here several times? Didn’t he help you organise a little amateur theatricals?
Constance
With great enthusiasm. I fancy he may become a great actor.
Cardew
Eustace has a great many talents.
Moncrieff
I did not consider Mr Wilton a very suitable companion for my wife. Did I, my love?
Constance
No. You did not.
Moncrieff
I found him to be a little too . . . effeminate.
Constance
He has grace.
Cardew
He has a little too much grace about him, despite my efforts.
Moncrieff
In fact, I find a great many of your boys a little too effeminate.
Constance
My love.
Cardew
I give my boys all the really manly virtues. To throw a discus, a javelin. To wrestle.
Constance
clutches her stomach.
Cardew
. . . I wonder . . . have you seen . . . ?
Moncrieff
No. We have not seen Mr Wilton for several months.
Cardew
Oh. Poor Eustace. The world will confuse him. He will be troubled. He’ll be wanting me.
Constance
It has started. Oh God. It has started.
Moncrieff
Come. To your room.
Cardew
If you should see Mr Wilton . . .
Moncrieff
and
Constance
exit
.
Enter
Augusta
.
Augusta
Oh brother. At last.
But why don’t you speak . . . ? How can you be so strange?
Cardew
I think there must be some mistake.
Augusta
Please forgive a young girl’s ardent expression of emotion. I come from a nation of bog dwellers and my manners want polish.
Cardew
I don’t understand you.
Augusta
This cursed brogue. I must struggle to sound English if I am to be understood. Brother, it is I. Augusta.
Cardew
Augusta?
Augusta
Am I to be treated as the poor relation? I know I have a want of means. But surely a want of means is not a hindrance in society? Want of character is the only serious hindrance and I have a very great deal of character.
Cardew
I don’t know you.
Augusta
This is a blow. Not know me, Colonel Moncrieff?
Cardew
There seems to be a misunderstanding.
Enter
Moncrieff
.
Cardew
This is Colonel Moncrieff.
Augusta
Brother. It is I – Augusta.
Moncrieff
Welcome, welcome. You must forgive Mr Cardew. Such proximity to a member of the female sex is altogether strange to him.
Augusta
You should marry, Mr Cardew.
Cardew
Marry? How should I find time for marriage when I have my hands so very full.
Moncrieff
Indeed. We follow Mr Cardew’s activities closely.
Cardew
Yes. I am happy to say that the activities of the Belgrave Square Society for the Discovery and Betterment of Foundling Boys from the Lower Orders are reported in all the most philanthropic journals.
Moncrieff
I was not referring to philanthropic journals.
Cardew
No? What then?
Moncrieff
Talk mainly. People talk a great deal about your activities.
Constance
(
off
)
cries out
.
Cardew
Good lord. What a terrible noise.
Moncrieff
Not at all. It is the sound of labour.
Cardew
Labour? Isn’t that something that happens in Manchester?
Augusta
My poor sister.
Cardew
The fecundity of our species is a constant surprise to me.
Moncrieff
For a man such as yourself it must be.
Constance
(
off
)
cries out.
Cardew
Good Lord. How do you stand it?
Moncrieff
A soldier can bear almost anything. A great many of your boys run off, don’t they? What can you be doing to them?
Cardew
I don’t know what you mean, sir.
Moncrieff
Oh but I think you do, sir.
Cardew
I give my boys the father they never had.
Moncrieff
And maybe the father they never wanted.
Cardew
I must find Eustace.
Moncrieff
He will return. To a father, surely he will return.
Cardew
Please, I can’t bear to mislay another.
Moncrieff
Disgusting spectacle.
Cardew
Disgusting? How so? Disgusting?
Enter
Prism
.
Moncrieff
Ah this must be the new nanny.
Prism
Good evening, Colonel Moncrieff. Prism.
Cardew
Not disgusting.
Moncrieff
Thank goodness the modern age has realised the importance of dividing up our lives. Former ages, I believe, quite muddled up the aspects. Now we men can play billiards in the billiards room, smoke in the smoking room and relax in the library. And the ladies . . . well the ladies have their own worlds too.
Augusta
Indeed. I hope you will allow me to sing one evening.
Moncrieff
And then there is the world of childhood. Which is your burden.
Prism
Yes, sir.
Cardew
I cannot allow ‘disgusting’.
Moncrieff
Today a child will be born and it will be taken instantly into your care.
Prism
I’m ready, sir.
Moncrieff
As yet my wife is unaware of your arrival. In fact, as yet she is unaware that you exist at all. She has resisted all suggestion of wet nurses and nannies. She thinks she can be everything to the child. But if in time your care is excellent, I am sure she will come to like you a great deal.
Prism
I hope so sir.
Constance
cries out
.
Moncrieff
Anticipation. It is a dreadful thing.
Cardew
I cannot allow my good name –
Moncrieff
I shall be in the billiard room.
Exit
Moncrieff
.
Cardew
‘Disgusting’. That is so unjust. When all I offer is care.
Augusta
But still. A man cannot care for so many boys alone.
Cardew
My boys will testify that I am always most kind. Kind and charitable.
Augusta
You should find a companion, Mr Cardew. One who can share your calling. A helpmate, a soulmate.
Cardew
Maybe, in time . . .
Augusta
Search and you shall find.
Cardew
I must find –
Augusta
You must find a wife. A young woman. In her full bloom.
Cardew
No. No woman can understand my mission. No woman can care for my boys.
Augusta
Are you in
Burke’s
?
She produces a copy of
Burke’s Peerage.
This dear volume has been my constant companion for the last three years. Sitting amongst those ignorant Oirish, waiting, waiting for . . . London . . . society . . . a new name.
Cardew
Please, / let me go.
Augusta
You have a town house, I know. But a country house? How many bedrooms? Are both your parents still living? / Do you smoke?
Cardew
No. No. No. I am not at all interested in marriage.
Augusta
Oh. Then maybe my dear brother is right. Maybe there is something a little . . .
Cardew
These insinuations are intolerable.
Augusta
Then marry and prove them wrong.
Cardew
I shall find Mr Wilton. I shall find him and bring him here and he will tell you, he will tell all of you, what an excellent guardian I am. You shall hear it from his mouth.