Ready to Love Again (Sweet Romance #2) (22 page)

Chase got up and fetched me a glass of water. Placing it in front of me, he lifted my hand and continued to stroke it in a soothing rhythm.

“I took some time off from my job, special dispensation due to the circumstances. I looked after Ethan, did everything he could no longer do. That, of course, included making trips to the supermarket. This day in particular, I had said I would make chicken casserole for tea, one of his favourites. He saw me to the door in his wheelchair; we had our home specially adapted for him. He kissed me goodbye and waved as I pulled out of the driveway.”

“Lys,” Chase whispered. I knew if I let him speak, the dam I had built inside would break, so I put a finger to his lips and he didn’t say whatever it was he wanted to.

“Anyway, I fetched the groceries and stopped by to see his mom before going home. I invited her to have her tea with us, considering her husband was out of town. So, she came back to mine with me, and when we let ourselves in, silence greeted us. Not the comfortable kind either. Something made the hairs on the back of my neck prick up and I put down my groceries in the hall. I went to the living room, but there was no sign of him. I went to the bedroom, but he wasn’t there either. Then I heard a scream.” I froze as I remembered that day more vividly than I would have liked.

“I ran downstairs towards the sound of Ethan’s mom sobbing and I found them in the back garden. Ethan was slumped over in his chair. His mom was on the ground next to him holding him in her arms. I screamed and threw myself up the path, collapsing as I reached them, calling out his name repeatedly. I checked for a pulse, I opened his eyelids, searching for any kind of response. But he was gone. I saw the bottles on the ground, one had contained water, and the other was pills. Or had been, now it was empty.”

The dam finally broke and I clutched my chest as my whole body was wracked with sobs. Chase’s arms immediately wrapped around me and I sank into his embrace.

“Shh, it’s okay, you’re okay, Lys. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere,” Chase whispered in my ear as he stroked my back.

We sat like that for what seemed like forever. It could have been only minutes, or it could have been hours, but it felt like an eternity before my tears dried and I was able to speak again.

“Chase, can you see? This is why I’m uncertain that there could ever be a future for us,” my voice came out hoarse.

“I can see that his death left you hollow. I can even see why you’ve blown hot and cold, talking to me one minute and ignoring me for weeks the next. But no, I cannot see what this has to do with us and a future. You said yourself, Ethan wanted you to find love again. You might not have made the promise but he felt that you would honour him anyway.”

“I found love once and look how that turned out…” I started, but found I couldn’t finish.

“You can’t rule out falling in love again, Alyssa. You said yourself that you have feelings for me, you just can’t say the words. I don’t know whether you’ll decide to act on your feelings or not, but I love you and I am here for you. I’ll wait for you to be ready, just don’t dismiss me, please.”

“I’m not ready to feel, Chase. I’m sorry,” I said, picking myself up from the stool. I gathered my things and turned for the door.

“Go if you must, but know that I’m here for you, if and when you change your mind.”

Chase’s green gaze burned into mine and his handsome face was the last thing I saw before I turned and bolted for the door, not looking behind me for fear I would change my mind.

Chapter Thirty-One

Chase

As the door closed, it took all my strength not to get up and run after her. But I knew that wouldn’t get us anywhere. She needed time to think, to get her heart and mind on the same page. From what she had just told me, I now knew why she had seemed so broken when we first met. I hadn’t been able to put my finger on it, even thought I might have been dreaming it, but now there was a reason. I can’t believe that in all the time we have known each other—which, granted may only be months, not years—she hadn’t once mentioned she was a widow. Clark hadn’t told me either, but I’m guessing that’s because he felt it was Alyssa’s secret to tell. Well, not so much a secret, as a part of her life she just wasn’t ready to share yet.

I got up and went for a shower, my head full of Alyssa and what I would do now. How do I act at work? Will she speak to me? Will it be purely platonic? Will I be able to mask my heartbreak if so? I’m here if she wants to come back to me, I told her that before she left, but will she ever come back? I know she feels something for me, she said so herself and I can feel it in every touch, every kiss.

Standing under the stream from the shower in my en-suite wet room, I cast my mind back to the beautiful woman who sat before me this morning. I hadn’t known, couldn’t have prepared for what she said. But the shock I felt had to be masked externally as she told me her story. Inside however, was another story. Inside, my heart was breaking for her. Alyssa had come into my life, turned it upside-down, inside-out, and spun it completely on its axis. She had been a breath of fresh air after Katalina. When Alyssa first started working in our building, I had sensed she was a little broken, maybe because I was too. Maybe that was why I was drawn to her. But even though I could sense this internally, externally she was a vivacious woman with gorgeous long red hair, the very image of the type of feisty woman I was attracted to. I know that part of her isn’t a façade because even the best actress couldn’t pretend she was something she wasn’t 24/7.

I stood and let the water beat down on me, soothing the jagged edges. I had been broken before Alyssa came along and I won’t deny that part of the attraction was purely lust. In truth, there was some animalistic part of me that wanted to devour her. But as time went by, I wanted to know her as much for her mind as her body.

Drying myself off from my shower, I let my mind drift back to Katalina and how she broke my heart.

“I can’t bear the thought of hurting you, Chase, but I have to go, I’m so sorry.”

“How can you say you don’t want to hurt me, then turn around and do just that, Katalina? You know I love you, you know I would do anything for you. So please, just tell me what to do so we can work through this,” I begged.

“You can’t do anything, Chase. There isn’t anything you can say or do to change my mind. One day, you will look back and realise that what I did is for the best.”

Katalina continued to pack her bags and left room for little argument. I tried to reason with her, I tried everything I could think of but she was intent on ripping my heart out and trampling all over it. Did she really think that dumping me and running away to another country was for the best? She said she was doing it for love and one day I would understand. But how could you love someone and rip them to pieces at the same time?

I sat in the lounge, not wanting to see her pack. I didn’t want to know what she would take and which pieces of our life she would leave behind.

I pulled myself out of my memories as I distantly heard a doorbell ring. It rang again and I got out of my seat to answer the door. I hoped it was Alyssa, but who was I kidding?

“Hey!” Caine greeted.

“Hi, Caine,” I answered a little dejectedly.

“Oh, someone’s pleased I came by,” he joked as he walked by me and headed for the kitchen.

“Sorry, I was asleep.” I fake stretched and yawned.

“Oh, sorry for waking you,” he said as he helped himself to the coffee pot and put it on to boil.

“No problem. What’s going on with you?”

“Just popped by on the off-chance, really. Lexi has gone and changed her plans on me. We were meant to go out today, but she’s gone round to see Alyssa instead. She said she called sounding upset, so would I mind occupying myself for a change.”

I went to the cupboard and retrieved two cups for the coffee as the pot made a sound to indicate it was ready. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Would Alyssa tell Lexi about me? About us, or lack thereof?

What the hell was I thinking, how could I be so fucking selfish? Of course Alyssa would tell Lexi. She had left here broken-hearted, of course she wasn’t the only one feeling so low, but she’d need a friend to confide in.

“So you came to see me? How nice to know that my friend only wants me when his girlfriend isn’t out to play,” I joked, my voice sounding a little off. I hoped he wasn’t paying much attention. But then Caine hardly paid attention to something that wasn’t a girl.

“Don’t sound so pleased to see me.” He laughed as he put the pot on the counter.

I poured my coffee the headed into the lounge, Caine hot on my heels.

We both sat in the comfy armchairs in my lounge and Caine reached for the remote. I had no idea if there was any football on today, but I didn’t really care. I’d watch anything to take my mind off things for now.

***

Almost four hours had gone by since Caine had turned up. We’d watched a football match, though I honestly can’t remember who was playing, ordered a pizza, and drank beer. Usually I would have got dressed up and gone to a bar or something afterwards, but tonight, I just don’t feel like it. I told Caine I feel like I’m coming down with the man-flu or something. I feel bad for lying to the guy, but I just want to be alone.

I’ve tried to do some work from home, anything to take my mind off Alyssa running out on me the way she did, but I can’t concentrate on anything for long. My mind drifts to Alyssa’s naked body curled around mine as I lie here in bed trying to get to sleep. I close my eyes and I can see the way her body arches as I touch her. I can still taste her, no matter how many beers have passed my lips—though I seriously didn’t drink more than three.

Hair as soft as silk wrapped around my hand as I pull her head back and trail kisses down her neck and the mounds of her breasts. These are the mental images that comfort me as I slowly drift to sleep.

Chapter

Thirty-Two

Alyssa

I called a cab home from Chase’s house. I had just told him everything and he still cared about me. He didn’t look at me any differently, knowing I was a widow. I guess I expected to see pity in his eyes, but I didn’t, I just saw the love he has for me. But I also saw the hurt when I decided it was time to go. I didn’t want to run away, as such, I just needed to get my head together. I called Lexi from the cab and she said she would meet me at mine.

Lexi was only too happy to come and spend the afternoon with me. The fact she knew about me and Ethan helped, it meant I didn’t have to explain in as much detail as I had to Chase. I wasn’t sure I would have managed that twice in one day. I did, however, have to tell her the truth about Chase and me. She had sort of known, but I hadn’t told her to what extent we were involved. I hadn’t even really known myself until just recently. There was no escaping the fact that I was starting to feel something for him, but it wasn’t fair on my heart to expect it to forget about Ethan and move on. Initially it had been just sex between Chase and me, or at least I thought so. Then I had tried avoiding him, but that didn’t work because at my party, we ended up having sex again. The date he had taken me on had been fantastic, one of the best nights I had had in an awfully long time. It was probably the most fun I’d had since Ethan was alive. But what was happening to me?

Lexi thought that it was okay for me to start to heal and move on. Clark had said the same thing when I’d called him just before Lexi came over. They had both told me it was okay to look to a future without Ethan in it. My heart felt torn in two. Part of me knew what they said was true and part of me felt bad for letting someone else into my heart so soon.

Clark said he’d pop round after work with a DVD and a takeaway. We hadn’t done that the night before because of my date with Chase but he said that we hadn’t yet watched one of his favourite films,
Guardians of the Galaxy,
and it was about time we did. I’d agreed because I was willing to do anything to try and take my mind off my current predicament. Until my mind was ready to try and sort through the muddle, I would do anything to ease the pain inside my chest.

The film was really good. I laughed so much and it was a good distraction from reality, even if it was only for a couple of hours. Clark hadn’t mentioned Chase once and I was glad of that fact. He knew if I wanted to talk about it, I would. After he left, I got an early night. I didn’t want to sit awake stewing over the whole thing, so I showered and went to bed.

***

Sunday morning came and with it came glorious sunshine. I decided to relax and spend the day reading. My plans were disrupted however, by a phone call from Justine. She asked if the four of them could come and visit—her, Gage and their two boys Cadan and Phoenix. Of course I agreed. I hadn’t seen her in a while and I wanted to get back our friendship back on track. She’s been my best friend since we first met and it’s been truly horrible not being able to talk to her about everything. But with her being Ethan’s sister, she took it hard when she saw Chase and I kiss in the club, so I hadn’t told her anything else. Her opinion mattered to me, but I realised that it wasn’t helping me to move on. I was being torn in two and part of it was because of how much she meant to me.

They arrived early afternoon and Justine told me that they had already been on the way when she called. She had wanted to just turn up and surprise me, try to get things on an even keel, but Gage had told her to ring me, so she did.

“Gage, how lovely to see you,” I said, reaching out to hug him.

“You too, Lys, you look well,” he said as he gave me a peck on the cheek.

“I am. How are you guys doing?” I looked over at Justine, who was getting the boys out of the car.

“We’re good. May I say what a beautiful house this is,” he replied as he took in the sight of my new home.

“Hey girl!” Justine greeted as she pulled me in for her typical bear-hug.

“Hey yourself, I missed you.” I squeezed her back hard.

“Hey, Auntie Lyssa,” the kids greeted as they ran up and hugged me.

“Hey boys.” I ruffled their hair and they groaned, neither one of them liked their perfect hair being messed up. Being only four and six, they were very conscious of how they looked, which was funny and cute. I’ve always loved the two of them something fierce.

We went into the house and I gave them a tour. Gage was drawn to the Georgian feel of the place. Justine loved the way I had decorated, she always had a good eye for interior decorating. The boys wanted to know if I had games consoles and were both disappointed when I said no. I promised them I would sort something out for the next time they came to visit.

“Are you able to stay for a couple of days?” I asked as I put some coffee on.

“If it’s okay by you, we’d like that,” Justine said with a small smile.

“Do you have stuff with you?”

“Yeah, we packed enough to stay for a few days and we were just going to see if we could find a hotel or something when we got here. Oh by the way, Holly and Chelsea told me to say hello.”

“Oh how are they?” The girls worked in The Cob and Pen and I missed our nights there. It was where Ethan and I went on our first date, and it became our regular place to drink afterwards.

“They’re good. Still working hard.”

“Tell them I said hi when you go home. I miss them, the staff at The Mermaid Inn here are fantastic, but they aren’t Holly and Chelsea.”

“Do they do a good Sunday lunch?” Gage asked, his belly rumbled as if to emphasize his point.

“They sure do, let’s get going,” I said as I grabbed my coat and bag.

We all piled out of the door and into their seven-seater car. Justine drove to give Gage a break after his long drive here. We arrived at The Mermaid in no time and the boys raced to the door with huge grins on their faces. It was so good to see them, it had been too long. We sat at a table and looked over the menu while Gage went and got a round of drinks in. There was nowhere for the kids to play, but they did have some colouring books and crayons, which were brought to the table by Parker.

“Thanks, Parker.”

“No worries, Alyssa. If you guys need anything else, just ask. I’ll leave you to decide what you’re eating, when you’re ready just give me a shout.”

“Is Em not working today?”

“She’s in the kitchen, our chef called in sick. I offered to help but she said I could burn beans on toast so I’m not allowed anywhere near the kitchen today.” He laughed and I couldn’t help but join in. Parker and Emily-Rose were a great couple and both had things they were good and not so good at. Parker was great with his hands when it came to building and renovations, but not with food.

“Sorry, Parker, where are my manners? This is my best friend Justine, her husband Gage, and their sons, Cadan and Phoenix.”

“Good to meet you all,” he said as he shook hands with Gage.

The boys said a quick hi and went back to their colouring books.

Parker went back to mind the bar and we decided what to eat. Gage went and ordered, refusing to let me pay.

We had a great lunch and a couple of drinks afterwards, then headed back to mine. Justine and I unpacked their stuff from the car.

“So, what’s new?” she asked as we unpacked the boys’ suitcase.

“Nothing much,” I responded quietly.

“Lys, I want you to know how sorry I am,” she said as she grabbed my hand in hers. We sat on the bed with our hands entwined. A tear rolled down her cheek and I wiped it away with the pad of my thumb.

“Please don’t cry, honey. You’re my best friend and nothing will ever change that. We had a bit of a row, so what? All friends fight from time to time. I love you and I always will. You’re my sister-in-law, Ethan might be gone, but that doesn’t stop you and the boys being my family. Okay?”

“Okay,” she whispered as more tears fell from her beautiful blue eyes.

I took her into my arms and whispered soothing words as she cried into my sweater. Once the tears slowed, I grabbed the tissue box from the side of the bed and offered it to her. She took one and blew her nose.

“There’s something you need to see, Lys. Something important.”

I didn’t have a clue what she could be talking about until she pulled me into the guest room she and Gage were staying in. She walked to her suitcase on the bed and retrieved a leather-bound book. Handing it to me, she began to cry again.

“I’ve been so selfish, Lys. I can only hope you’ll forgive me. This book, well, it was Ethan’s. After you and I fought, I went home and talked to Gage. Then I went to the attic where I keep a box of Ethan’s things, I wanted to feel close to him. That was when I stumbled across this book. At first I didn’t know what it was, but reading the first page it soon became apparent.”

I took the book from her and sat on the edge of the bed. I wasn’t sure I wanted to see what was inside. I knew Ethan’s beautiful handwriting would bring tears to my eyes no matter what it actually said. I opened it to where the ribbon lay, it seemed to be the last entry he wrote judging by the empty pages after it. I began to read;

Dear Diary,

I am writing this entry before my hands are too far gone to hold a pen anymore—it seems that the ALS is taking hold faster than anyone would have thought—the doctors are doing all they can, they’ve prescribed me Riluzole, but it seems unlikely that it will help much. I seem to have skipped from the early to middle stages of the disease faster than my doctors had hoped.

I want to get my thoughts on paper before I am no longer able. I have something on my mind that I feel uncomfortable discussing with anyone. My family are all there to support me, Lys most of all. Lys is by my side every single day—she took a leave of absence from work on special dispensation and thankfully her bosses are very understanding—she takes care of my every need. But even with all my family around me, sometimes I feel so frustrated. They do everything for me, the things I can no longer do and it is that which frustrates me. I wish I was able to do things for myself. I seem to spend my days angry at my own body for not co-operating.

Anyway, the whole reason I am writing this entry is because of Lys. I love her more than mere words can express and I hate seeing the pain she is going through. She tries to hide behind her beautiful smile, but the smile never truly reaches her eyes anymore. Her blue-green eyes that remind me of the most beautiful ocean never shine anymore unless it’s with unshed tears. I’m tired of hurting her, of being a burden to her. I want to see her laugh like she used to, not just turn away to cry so I don’t see the tears. But what can I do? Alyssa Young is the most wonderful woman in the whole world and she means everything to me. That’s why I want her to find love after I am gone. If I told her that, she’d hit the roof, but that doesn’t make it any less true. This woman deserves to be truly loved for the rest of her life and that is something I can no longer give her. I’m going to die, I can’t change that fact, it’s inevitable that the ALS will eventually take me over.

The day we took our wedding vows, I was the happiest man alive. I wanted to be by Lys’s side for the rest of our lives, to have children, a home with a white picket fence, the whole dream. But sometimes life is cruel. I have to live the hand that fate has dealt me. I have to accept that I won’t live to old age, I don’t want to have children in case I pass the disease on—I know that only ten per cent of cases are what’s known as “familial ALS” but I can’t take that risk—I can’t ask Lys to watch our child suffer and die.

When we got together, I was so happy. Alyssa was the woman I wanted to share my life with. She looked breath-taking in her custom Pnina Tornai dress, a dress she had desired for so long that I bought it for her. She shone like the brightest star in the sky and just recently, that light has become burned out. The moment we said our vows and the minister pronounced us husband and wife was the best moment of my entire life. I knew there and then that I had made the best decision, asking Lys to marry me. We walked out of the church hand in hand, on the path to the rest of our lives. I didn’t know then that “the rest of my life” wouldn’t be more than a few years.

Knowing what I know now, I want to make a wish—a wish that Lys meet someone new in the future when I am gone. I want her to have the life we imagined together. I want her to be loved by someone until the day she dies. She deserves to meet someone who can give her everything she could ever need and more. I know she’ll find it hard when I am gone, that’s to be expected, but she needs to move on. It’s obvious she’ll go through the stages of grief but that shouldn’t stop her from finding love one day. I want someone to love her the way I do. It will happen when she least expects it—one day, she’ll meet a man that will look at her the way I do. He’ll see her for the amazing woman she is and he will go to the ends of the Earth to make her his. I just don’t want her to screw it up by being stuck in the past. She’s told me that once I am gone, she will never love again, but I don’t want that to be true.