“And I’m guessing your eye is fully taken up by Luke Maguire.” Her friend grinned teasingly.
No point in denying that. “We all have different tastes, but for me Luke’s the epitome of man candy.” She thought about what they’d been up to last night and shifted about in her seat as the memories heated her. This morning it had been especially hard to let go of him before Chloe woke up, and their lingering good-bye kisses had ended in a frantic, exciting coupling on the rumpled sheets that had left her panting and wild for more. She’d have to wait until later this evening for that…
“You’d better close your mouth before you start drooling,” Ally teased her.
“Did you know he bought me a book? First guy ever to do that.” Other men bought her flowers, chocolates, or underwear; they never thought about her brain. But Luke did. And he’d been right about
Fevre Dream
. She’d devoured the book in record time.
“Sounds like he’s quite the catch.”
Sighing, Tyler straightened her shoulders. “It won’t last, of course,” she said matter-of-factly.
“Why not?”
“Because he’ll be leaving soon.” She shrugged. “And I don’t want anything permanent.”
“You’re always saying you don’t want a permanent relationship, but I think deep down you do.”
Tyler rolled her eyes. “Please. If I wanted a permanent relationship, I’d have one. You know I’m no shrinking violet.”
“Hmm.” Ally’s expression grew analytical. “If you ask me, I think you’re afraid to give up your independence. Oh, don’t get me wrong. I know why you value your independence, and I admire your strength, but sometimes you need to make yourself vulnerable. Especially when you’re in love, you need to put your trust in someone else.”
“Well, that’s where you’re wrong, see, because I’m not in love with Luke.” Tyler tossed back her hair to emphasize her point.
“You’re not? You could’ve fooled me. I’ve never seen you so…”
“So what?”
“So bubbling with happiness whenever you talk about him.”
Tyler pursed her lips, unable to think of a flippant reply. Did she go all gushy and girlie when she spoke about Luke to her friend? Her chest panged. On recollection, she
had
been rambling on about him ever since she and Luke had started sleeping together. And she couldn’t remember when last she’d babbled about a man. But that didn’t mean she was in love with Luke. Definitely not.
She faked a nonchalant shrug. “Oh yeah, he makes me happy all right, especially in bed, but don’t get any wrong ideas. Both Luke and I know it’s temporary.”
“Oh, that’s a pity.” Ally looked crestfallen. “You two make such a great couple, and Chloe seems so taken with Luke.”
Tyler’s chest tightened again as she instinctively sought out her daughter in the play area. Luke might have a great rapport with Chloe, but that was very different from being a full-time parent. Yet another reason to keep reminding herself that Luke was not a fixture in her life. He made her happy for now, and that was good, but it would also be good when he left, and she could go back to her usual independent life, which didn’t rely on anyone for happiness.
Chapter Twelve
Luke’s head rested on soft pillows. Moonlight peeking through the curtains cast a silver blue hue over Tyler’s bare skin, turning her hair an ethereal shade of mulberry. Her chest rose and fell with the gentle ticking of her breath, her body loose and soft in Luke’s arms, liberated after their high-octane lovemaking. Clothes lay scattered around the room, while her purple bra dangled from one of the bed posters. He held her close as she fell asleep, watching her eyelids flutter with her dreams.
A faint cry coming from the direction of Chloe’s bedroom broke the late-night hush. Luke raised his head, and a moment later another whimper drifted down the hallway. Sliding his arm out from under Tyler, he rose from the bed, careful not to make too much noise.
“I’ve got it.” Tyler brushed past him. Before he could take another step, she threw her robe around herself and hustled out the bedroom.
He sank back onto the bed and waited. It didn’t take long before she returned. “Everything okay?” he asked.
“Yes. A not very nice dream, but Mr. Piggy is protecting her now, so everything’s okay.” She fluffed up the pillows.
“You were out of here like greased lightning. Are you always such a light sleeper?”
“Where Chloe’s concerned, yes.” Pausing in her pummeling, she tilted her head sideways. “And what were you planning to do just before I woke?”
“I thought I’d see to Chloe. You were fast asleep.”
She shook her head and resumed punching the pillows. “Firstly, I’ve already said I don’t want Chloe knowing about us, and secondly, I always go to Chloe when she cries in the night. Always, without fail.” The line between her eyes sharpened.
Leaning across the bed, he covered her hand to stop her mauling the pillow. “Hey, whatever it is I’ve done to piss you off, I’m sorry. I was only trying to help.”
She blew out her breath. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to get all snippy.”
He flicked the sheet back and patted the mattress next to him. “Why don’t you get comfortable?”
Without speaking, she climbed into bed and reclined on the pillows, but even though she wasn’t touching him, he could still sense the tension in her body.
“Do you want me to leave?” he eventually asked.
“No.” She peered at him through the hazy light. “No,” she repeated more slowly.
Her quick answer gratified him, but there was still something odd about her response, something that restrained him from wrapping his arms around her as he wanted to. Turning onto his side, he watched her as she chewed her lip, her eyes still troubled. “Want to tell me what’s bothering you?” he asked softly.
For a moment he thought she would reject him with a flippant reply, but then she said, “It’s Chloe. Whenever I hear her cry in the middle of the night, it tears me up inside.”
“I don’t understand. You were with her in a matter of seconds.”
“Tonight I was, and most nights I am. Ever since she was born, I’m wide awake at the first whimper.” She drew her knees up to her chest, curling into a fetal position. “But one night I wasn’t there for her.”
She sounded as if the words were being torn from of her. “Go on,” he said.
Tyler took a deep breath. Plainly it was a struggle to get the words out. “Chloe was six months old. She’d been teething and fretting for days, weeks, and I hadn’t had a proper night’s sleep since before she was born. I—I’m not making excuses for myself, just explaining the circumstances. One night she wouldn’t settle no matter what I tried, and she wouldn’t let me have a moment to myself, just cried and cried. In the end I lost it. I screamed and yelled at her.” Tyler hugged herself tighter, her face growing ashen. “And then I did the most horrible thing a mother could do.”
Luke’s throat dried as possibilities flashed through his mind.
“I picked up my purse and left the apartment.” She gulped hard. “I walked down to the local pub and sat there drinking mineral water.” Shuddering, she smacked the heel of her hand against her forehead. “I was so darn tired, and I couldn’t bear it anymore. I-I even contemplated ringing up social services and telling them to take my baby away because I couldn’t look after her. Can you believe I would consider such a thing?”
“But you didn’t do it.”
“No. Suddenly I came to my senses. I realized what I’d done and ran back home as fast as I could.” She hiccupped, white teeth gnawing at her lower lip. “I found Chloe fast asleep. She hadn’t even cried because the sheet wasn’t damp, and she slept right through until morning, the first time she ever did. I know because I sat up and watched her all night.”
Heart aching for Tyler, Luke touched the wetness tracking down her cheeks. “Don’t cry,” he whispered. “You didn’t do anything bad.”
“But I did!” Her face screwed up. “I abandoned my own baby. I walked out on her.”
“You did the best thing in the circumstances. Better to take a walk than to lash out at her in frustration.” Using his thumb, he swiped the moisture away from her cheek. “You shouldn’t feel ashamed about that night.”
Tyler swallowed, her expression still tortured. “But I thought about giving up my baby, putting her into foster care. Isn’t that monstrous?”
He stared at her. “Because that’s what your mother did to you?” Finally he realized the true extent of her torment—that she would turn out like her own mother. It explained so much—her fierce protection of Chloe, her hostility toward Gretchen, and her still-festering relationship with her mother. He drew her into his arms. “Darling, you could never be a monster. You don’t have it in you. Chloe is so lucky to have you for a mother.”
Shivering, she clung to him. “Thanks,” she muttered into his chest. “You don’t know how much that means to me.”
As he held her close, it dawned on him that for once she’d lowered her barriers and was allowing herself to lean on him, even draw comfort from him. The spunky Tyler the outside world saw was temporarily replaced by a vulnerable woman confiding her darkest fears to him.
“Believe me,” he said, hugging her closer, “I know from my sisters’ experiences how hard it can be raising children, even if you’re lucky enough to have a supportive husband. At one time or another each of my sisters has turned up at my mother’s house with a crying baby, and at their wits’ end.” He nestled her head on his shoulder and rested his chin against her hair. “Mum would order whoever it was to go home while she and I looked after the baby for a few hours.”
“That sounds nice,” Tyler said with a sniff.
“Yes, and it doesn’t mean my sisters were bad mothers. They simply needed a break. You put too many expectations on yourself.” He paused, knowing he was tiptoeing into a minefield, but figuring he had to stick his neck out for her. “And even if you had called social services, that still wouldn’t have made you a bad mother.”
Instantly she stiffened, as he’d predicted. “How can you say that? That’s exactly what a bad mother would do—hand her child over to some stranger.”
“Not if that were in the child’s best interests.”
She pulled away from him, tightening her robe around her as she sat up. “I disagree, and you know stuff all about the subject.”
Great
. But he had to push on. Might as well be hanged for a sheep as a lamb
.
“I know you have a huge chip on your shoulder about asking for help.” He clambered over the sheets toward her, but she shuffled out of reach. “Which is why you shut out people like Gretchen so ruthlessly.”
She gasped, eyes widening with hurt. “I thought you were on my side.”
Damn, why did she look like he’d stabbed her through the heart? “I am on your side, but I’m also on Chloe’s side, and I think it wouldn’t be bad for her to have some kind of relationship with her grandmother.”
“Gretchen wants to take Chloe away from me!”
“And she’d never succeed, let’s face it. It’s an empty threat. She knows it, you know it, everyone knows it.”
She jerked to her feet, a scowl burning her face. “Well thanks for your great advice, but I’ll decide what’s good for my daughter.”
It hadn’t taken long for the sassy Tyler to reassert herself, he thought ruefully. He had only himself to blame for stirring her up. He stood in front of her and spread his hands in a supplicating gesture. “I know that, and I don’t want to argue with you.” He waited for her to say something, but she merely crossed her arms. As the seconds ticked by, the silence grew barbs. Hell, what to do next? “Maybe I should go back next door.”
“Maybe you should,” she shot back.
His lungs constricted, the speed of her response stinging him more keenly than he’d expected. Grimacing, he pulled on his clothes and picked up his shoes. He shouldn’t have interfered. Child raising wasn’t any of his business, and she was right to be angry with him. Now he had only a cold, lonely bed ahead of him.
He was halfway to the door when there was a flurry of movement as Tyler came up behind him and flung her arms around him, halting his progress.
“Thanks,” she muttered into his back.
“For what?”
“For caring enough about Chloe to start an argument with me.”
Would she ever cease to surprise him? “Does that mean I’m right?”
“’Course not,” she scoffed, squeezing him tight.
“Does it mean I can at least stay?”
“No.” Rubbing his pectorals, she pressed a kiss against his nape. “I’m still mad at you.”
Jeez, she felt good leaning against him. “Is that why you’re feeling me up? If so, I could get used to you being mad at me.”
“Don’t.” Her voice hitched. “I don’t want to be mad at you.”
He gripped her arms and eased her around to face him. In the dimness, her eyes were large and troubled, but her mouth had that willful set he knew so well. As much as he wanted to stay, now was not the time to try and change her mind. He smoothed the wild hair away from her temples and dropped a soft kiss on her lips. “Okay, then. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
As she stared after him, fingers on her lips, she looked anything but angry, but he knew when it was time to beat a tactical retreat, and he left before she could say anything else.
…
“More milk, please,” Chloe announced at the breakfast table.
Tyler absentmindedly reached for the peanut butter jar before she came to and picked up the milk carton to refill Chloe’s cup. All morning, she’d been unable to concentrate on anything except the “argument” she’d had with Luke last night. It hadn’t even been a proper argument. He’d been so restrained, had kissed her before he left, and that kiss, with its undertones of tenderness and passion, had been more punishment than anything else he could have dished out. Even before he’d left her bedroom, she’d regretting telling him to go, but stubborn pride had restrained her from calling him back. She was her own woman, and she’d never be caught dead imploring a man to stay with her.
And besides, he deserved to be told off for his unwelcome suggestions about Gretchen. She didn’t need any advice on how to handle that woman.
Chloe set down her cup and reached for the pink pony that was never far from her. Another reminder of Luke. Shaking her head, Tyler scooped up the remains of her cereal and dumped the empty bowl in the sink.
“When are we going to visit Grammy?” Chloe asked without warning.
Never
. But Tyler concealed her feelings beneath a vague answer of, “I really don’t know.”
“But why?” Chloe began combing the pony’s blond tresses.
“Look, if it’s ponies you’re interested in, I’ll see about getting you a pony ride on the weekend.” There were plenty of horsey establishments around Burronga that could offer a three-year-old a safe pony ride. It might be expensive, but it would be worth it if it stopped Chloe’s obsession with her grandmother’s farm. “What kind of pony would you like to ride? A white one?” Hopefully she wouldn’t request a pink one.
Chloe’s lower lip protruded. “I want to see Grammy.”
“Really?” It was on the tip of Tyler’s tongue to blurt out that Grammy was a self-centered, grasping ogre who wanted to get her claws into fresh meat, but she stopped herself in time. She and Chloe weren’t exactly flush with family. If something should happen to Tyler, Aunt Daphne had promised to take care of Chloe, but wouldn’t it be better to have more people she could rely on? The idea was unwelcome, but it persisted in Tyler’s mind, especially as it reminded her once again of Luke and what he’d said to her last night. Maybe—a big maybe—she might take Chloe to visit her grandmother one of these days. She’d been wrong to jump down Luke’s throat so quickly. Wrong to push him out of her bed.
The need to see him became a burning itch she could no longer ignore. Picking up her mobile phone, she quickly texted him.
Sorry about last night. Can I make it up to u tonight?
The answer came less than a minute later.
Looking 4ward 2 that!
“Mumma, what’s so funny?” Chloe’s question broke into her daydreams.
She realized she was grinning like an idiot. “Oh, nothing, baby,” she replied, returning her attention to the morning routine. “Nothing at all.” How on earth was she going to make it until tonight?
It turned out she didn’t have to wait very long. That afternoon, at the end of her shift, she was about to grab a quick lunch before heading over to Chloe’s babysitter’s house when Luke strolled into the store. Her breath caught at the first sight of his tall figure.
“Hey.” He gave her a smile that sent a tingle all the way to her toes. “Thought I’d pick you up for lunch today. Am I in time?”
She nodded, trying desperately not to beam too much at him, and failing. “I, um, I…” Shoot, what was she trying to say again?
Ally bustled up, waving hello to Luke, and gave Tyler a quick push toward him. “Off you go, then.”
Tyler managed to gather her bag from behind the counter before following Luke outside. “Where’re we going?”
“Home.” Threading his fingers through hers, he tugged her toward his Range Rover, which she’d parked right outside the store. “You’d better let me drive.” He looked in an awful hurry.
The tingle in her intensified. “Okay.” They got into the car and Luke sped away. Silence quivered between them. To break it, she asked, “How’s the writing going?”