Authors: Evie Adams
Reasonable Doubts (9 page)
Last minute reservations to a decent restaurant did not come easy. I had to promise the waiter $300 to get us in. But it would be worth it.
There was something exciting about this. I shaved and showered, got ready, wore my best black suit, and threw on a blue tie, just for her.
I already fucked her, but she was talking up my whole mind. It was fun anticipating it. I was anxious, something I never felt outside a courtroom.
I felt alive.
I wanted to make her laugh and make her moan. I wanted her, even the next morning.
If I thought too much about it I’d go nuts, I had to get out of the apartment.
I decided to go down and have a drink, wait for her in a neutral place, a place I could relax.
Kate was working, I sat alone and she came over with a whiskey for me and sat down.
“I have to ask you something Kate,”
“What's that?”
“How long have I been coming here? 2 years?”
“Probably.”
“And in all that time I never asked you out, never shamelessly hit on you, and you've been great, a nice long pour and platonic friendship. I have to ask. Is all of this just so I wouldn't try to sleep with you?”
“Pretty much, yes. But you're alright too.”
She was right.
She'll be happy she was right.
“So you're not interested in me, at all?”
“As a person, as a fellow human being, as a decent sort despite your flaws, sure. Can I trust you with a secret?”
“Sure.”
“I'm a lesbian, so yeah, I’m not interested. Not my type at all sweetie.”
I was shocked. “Why not tell me?”
“Because that look on your face. When you tell a guy, two questions pop in his head.
How.
And
Can I watch?
Plus if it gets around I might lose tips.”
Corinne came up and sat next to me. “Buy me a drink?” She asked with those upturned eyes. I was still shocked by Kate’s revelation, but she got up to go fix Corinne a drink.
“Sure. But I'm on my way out pretty soon.”
“No, stay, I wanted to introduce you to my friend.”
She turned around, and a cute little blond girl was with her. They could have been twins.
Twins.
“Nice to meet you, excuse me for a moment.”
I went to use the bathroom.
I wash my face, with cold water. I almost don't trust myself to go back out there, but then I remember Laura. Some things are too good to fuck up, just like Kate.
The door opens.
Corinne and her twin have me cornered, and I get the feeling this is going to look bad. But I use my words.
“I meant it Corr, this ain't gonna happen tonight. I appreciate the effort and god damn any other night, yesterday, every single day before today, I would in heartbeat. But things are different today.”
She came forward and put her hands on my pants, “Oh yeah?”
And it was soft. It didn't want to any more than the rest of me did.
“I mean it. I appreciate it, I’m flattered. But no, it's done. Have a lovely night, but I'm leaving.”
I walked out to their stunned faces, and turned the corner.
There she was, beautiful, in a stringy black dress, sexy but classy. I smiled at her, she did the same. Then Corinne and her friend walked out behind me.
Her face is burned into my mind at that moment. The smile slipped away, horror and revulsion replaced them. A hurt look on her face, I saw her heart break at that instant and mine broke with it. I've never seen such a face, apart from these late night commercials about starving kids in Africa or the please adopt me, pet commercials.
She turned around immediately and walked out. I ran after her, but she was gone. Her bag was on the sidewalk as she jumped into a taxi. I ran through traffic, but she was gone.
I didn’t just give up there.
I called, over and over and over.
No answer.
I left 100 messages. The phone was turned off.
I sent a dozen emails. Each more regrettable than the last.
I wallowed in self-pity.
I took a shower, I ate, nothing helped.
I looked at porn and tried to masturbate, just to see if it would take my mind off her. It wouldn’t work.
That scared me.
Food tasting like ash, my mind racing, sweating for no reason, unable to concentrate while running- none of things scared me, but my dick not doing what it was supposed to did.
I called my brother, who was coming off a 36 hour shift at the hospital, but he agreed to see me.
After he had his fun, and I told him everything, he just looked at me, his potato face with bags under his eyes, and creases from worry and work.
“Even with all of that your last 36 hours were better than mine. I didn’t have nearly as much sex here.” He threw his file on the counter and leaned back, taking me in, “You really didn’t come here for medical advice did you?”
“You really didn't come here for medical advice at all did you?”
“I guess not.”
“I think you're an idiot. But a good brother. My brotherly advice is stop being an idiot. I don't remember ever seeing you give up. Jacob Sr used to make you cry and you didn’t quit. I remember you crying your eyes out when he kept interrupting you and using the rules of evidence against you. It wasn't a fair fight, obviously, but you showed up the next day, still fighting. I did my part by breaking the lamp too. But you always got up, even if you knew you were going to cry again, which you did a few more times. Eventually you started winning. That's my advice. Keep fighting even if you start crying. If she's important to you, if you love her, then keep fighting. I'll be here for you. Whatever you need. Whatever misunderstanding happened, that’s probably not the worst thing. It's something else, so find that and figure it out and go after it. Be tenacious. Everything has always come easy for you. You're smart, successful, rich, spoiled as all hell, this is a real challenge for you. You didn't give up in the past, don't give up now. What are you willing to do, willing to risk to get her back?”
“Anything, everything.”
“Then do it. Tell her. Let her know. You know what? You should talk to Diane, she’s surprisingly maternal when it comes to these things. I’ve gone to her a few times myself.”
I knew my brother would support me whatever happened. He was an ally, a friend, what I needed was someone who maybe wouldn't go so easy on me. Let me know it all the bad and the good.
For most people, mom is the Pollyanna who will tell you everything is alright. Your biggest cheerleader, always supportive even if she knows you’ll fail.
Not mine.
She was better at pointing out my weaknesses, reining in my confidence when it was too much.
But it worked. I needed her to take the air out of me sometimes.
“Diane, I’m thinking about wasting some company resources, but for a good cause.”
“Is it a Monday already? I swear I had one more day before you started costing me money.”
“I’m in love with Laura, and I screwed it up.”
“That sounds about right. You know, when Artie recommended her, he said something like Jake better watch out for her, she’s too perfect for him. I don’t want to hear about how you messed up, but before I help you, is it true? Do you love her? If not, if you have any doubts, even small ones, reasonable doubts, then don’t waste her time.”
I paused, but didn’t really have to think about it. “I’m sure, I’ve never been more sure of anything.”
“Not even Falver?”
“Mom.”
“Oh, okay. Well then go after her. Do whatever it takes. Be tenacious. You have always been a spoiled child, the first born, but you're just like your father. I could see the puppy love a mile away, and you’re sure about her?"
“I am sure. I've never been so sure. Absolutely, she's the one."
"Well then go after her, you have my blessing, don't give up, just like on a witness, don't ever give ground, don't waver. If you give up too soon, if you lack your confidence, she'll think the rest of you will waver too. Be relentless, like cross-examining a bad witness."
“And Mom, I just want to let you know Artie, no I can’t call him that, J. Arthur, if he makes you feel the way I feel, then it doesn’t bother me anymore.”
“If I wanted your permission I’d ask for it. If I cared what you thought I’d ask, but thanks. Be the man I raised. Good luck.”
I'm outside the office Monday morning, waiting for her. She walks up all wrapped up like a Christmas present, high heels, hair pulled back tight, glasses, the sexy librarian, all business look.
She bites her lip when she sees me, my god it was sexy. But then her face turned cold, a stony look came over her. I had done that to my face a hundred times, when things go bad for you at trial, that face is the only one you're allowed to show to the world.
But I know what's under that face too.
You're freaked out, scared, the whole world just crashed down around you. And the face just says 'I won't let that affect me', one foot in front of the other until you have the chance to curl up in the corner, but not when or where anyone can see you.
This was good news.
This was
great
news.
This meant she cared. This meant I hurt her and she was angry which was a million times better than her not caring, being indifferent. The only way she could be hurt was if she felt something for me, that she cared.
Anger and hate I could work with. It showed she cared and wanted to be with me. Now if I could only clear up the misunderstanding. The hurt ran deep, if I had seen her walk out of a bathroom with two smiling men, I would have been crushed. But I would have listened right? I wouldn't have passed judgment right away right?
But I was not a woman. I was not this stubborn, beautiful mess that was Laura Miller. My only worry was she could be better at closing herself down, better at being stubborn than I could be charming and persuasive.
She keeps walking towards me, only a momentary hitch in her walk along with the lip bite, when she sees me, a pause as one foot lifts and she has a chance to turn around, to run away, but no she doesn't do that of course.
Neither would I.
Her face tightens and her eyes narrow and she barely nods at me, acknowledging my existence but no more.
“Laura, you have to believe me what you saw was nothing, I had just said no to them, I know how bad it looked but it was nothing I swear.”
“Good morning Attorney Hughes. I hope we can keep things professional at the office, but I just want to say, it doesn't matter, you're an excellent liar, and it was that moment I realized I'll never be able to believe you about anything. Truth or not. But we can still work together, and be professional. Let's put this to rest and just be two co-workers okay?”
“You practiced that speech didn't you?” I could tell.
Her eyes harden even more. Ice.
“It's a good one. But you have to let me explain.”
“No, you can explain all you want and it won't do any good. I thought there was more to you. I thought there was something beautiful under all the arrogance, the cockiness. I wasn't expecting marriage or anything, but the way you looked at me, the way,” she looks away and her voice cracks, and it felt like a sword cleaving me.
But she makes her face into stone again, and recovers her voice. “I thought you cared, but I was wrong.”
“No Laura you weren't --” she cuts me off.
“I was, and it doesn't matter. You're my Falver I guess, a big mistake that I should have seen coming but didn't, I was blinded by my own greed and desire.”
Ouch, now I had two women in my life throwing Falver in my face.
“Nothing happened.” I plead.
If she wants truth, I have a truth for her. “I might be impotent. My dick doesn't work. It didn't work for them, it doesn't work for me. I'm in love with you and I only just realized it this weekend. Give me a chance and give me back my dick.”
She broke a smile, briefly. I know she believes me. That was too big of a lie for anyone, and she knows my poker face.
“I wouldn't make that up. I'm in love with you.”
“I'm sorry to hear about your personal problems Attorney Hughes, but there's not much I can do.”
“Of course there is, I think it moved just now when you almost smiled.”
Again she had to fight off a smile, but she is more stubborn than I thought. “If your dick had worked then those two girls would have looked more disheveled I guess, but that doesn't change anything. I can't trust you. Ever. And that probably has as much to do with me as it does with you. But we can't have a relationship without trust.”
“If I have to show you every day I will. I'll get a chastity belt, anything. I've never felt this way before. I've never wanted the things I want with you. I've never turned down two beautiful women throwing themselves at me to have dinner with someone else, to be there with my clothes on and your clothes on and talk and try to make you laugh and imagine how good you'll look out of those clothes. I've never wanted that but now I do.”
The stone breaks for a second. Words have power, even against stone like that. But she knows that too. She puts her armor back on, and I know I'm losing here.
“There's nothing to save, nothing to throw away. All we had was competition and lust and that's not enough for either of us.”
“Please Laura, you have to give me another chance.”
“There aren't any second chances at trial or here. The stakes are high and you play to win, when you lose you lose. We lost. Move on. I know you can.” And she walks by me through the doors. But I don't follow her. She can win this round, my plan is the death of a thousand cuts.
A long trial has plenty of ups and downs. You'll get bad witnesses, bad evidence will turn up just when everything is going good, and if you're not resilient, you might give up before you should.
There are 1000 reasons to give up. But if you don't there's always the chance the jury will hear you.
Will listen to you.
If you give up before that, the miracle may never happen, but if you trust them to overcome the things you messed up, then you have a chance.
I've never given up in the middle of a trial, not even with Falver, I was willing to push through, but the judge dismissed the case. It was out of my hands, but this isn't.
I won't give up here.
Now, the important thing is to find the story, just like in a case. I can argue her all day long, but without a story, I've got nothing.
Without another miracle, this is going to be difficult.
Sometimes you have to let the miracle come to you, let your subconscious do the work for you. I took the day off and went shopping.