The admission made William's jaw drop in surprise. He stared at his feet as they moved with the swing. “I could never hate you, Dad. That's not to say I haven't been upset.”
Suddenly, William lifted his gaze to stare into the sunset. His voice was hoarse as he drifted back to a time that he would rather forget. “When Mom died, I missed her so much. I cried every night and prayed for God to bring her back to me. Then, you left. I waited for you to come and get me.” William shook his head sadly. “It didn't happen. I couldn't believe I'd lost both of you. I thought no one wanted me. That God was telling me I wasn't important enough to be loved. It was so hard.”
Daniel blew his nose. William turned and saw that his father's eyes had filled with tears. The color had drained from his face. He looked so old.
William nudged his arm. “Please don't cry, Dad.”
“What a mess I've made. I loved your mother so much. I thought I was strong. That I could handle everything myself. I had the world at my doorstep until she died. When I lost her, I turned to mush. Didn't think I'd survive.”
William lowered his voice. “But you had me. Didn't I count?”
Daniel regained his composure and cleared his throat. “Son, at that time, Miriam was everything to me. I didn't want to live without her. I'm ashamed to admit that I even blamed God for taking her.”
William sat quietly and listened.
“When I met Beth, she wiped away some of my pain.” He paused. “But you know what?”
William met his gaze. “What?”
“Even with Beth, as wonderful as she is, I never got over losing your mother.”
“You mean you don't love Beth?”
“Of course, I do.” Daniel hesitated. “But Miriam was my first love. We grew up together. And even though I did what I was sure she would have wanted, I let her down. There's no way I can make up the years that you were alone. But I can be good to you in the future. Will you let me try, son?”
William swallowed. He nodded. “Of course.”
Daniel dabbed at his eyes with his tissue. “I want a good life for you. Don't make the mistakes I made.”
Suddenly, William felt uneasy. “Dad, why are you telling me this now?”
Daniel crossed his arms over his chest. “Let's just say I've had a lot of time to think. Son, I might not be able to continue my business. As you're aware, running the shop takes a lot of work and time.” He shrugged. “I know the docs are happy with my progress, but reality is, I'm not sure if I'll ever get the strength to keep the routine I used to.”
After a lengthy pause, he sighed. “I'm giving it to you.”
William pressed his lips together in a straight, thoughtful line. Had he heard his father correctly? He turned and looked him in the eyes.
As if reading his thoughts, his dad gave a firm nod.
While William considered the statement, Daniel laughed a little. “At least I have something to offer. It can't make up for the years we were without each other, but you'll have a comfortable living. That's more than a lot of people have.”
William's thoughts automatically floated to Rebecca and her dream of growing old with her family.
In Illinois.
He cleared his throat. “Dad, I appreciate your offer. But I can't give you an answer. Not today, anyway. Like I said, a decision this big has to be made between Rebecca and me. And we haven't decided whether or not to move to Indiana.”
Daniel nodded. “I understand.”
“Rebecca's very generous. I think she would do whatever makes me happy.”
“Then what's the problem?”
“Her dream is to grow old with her family. To raise our children around their cousins, aunts and uncles.” He sighed. “How can I rob her of that?”
Daniel shrugged. “I've noticed how you've conformed to our way of life. And I don't blame you for that. But now that you're an adult, you can make your own choices.”
Daniel looked down at his folded hands. “Surely you've seen that there's life outside Arthur, Illinois. And you certainly don't have to be Amish to be a Christian. Believing in God is what's important. There's no need to live without electricity, William.”
William couldn't think of a response.
“What I'm trying to say is that I'm giving you permission to leave the Amish life.”
So many decisions cluttered William's mind, he couldn't think. What he wanted wasn't best for Rebecca.
“William?”
The swing came to a stop. For long, tense moments, William and Daniel sat in silence. Finally, Daniel put a hand on William's shoulder. They regarded each other.
“Son, I don't want to rush you. There's a lot to think about. Like you said, you don't have to make a decision today.”
“Yeah, Dad. I'll sleep on it and pray to make the right choice.”
Daniel smiled a little. “Whatever you do, know your old man loves you.”
“I love you, too.”
William hugged his father. At the same time, Daniel's arms came around him like a security blanket. William savored the comforting feeling. He closed his lids.
Finally, he'd heard the words he'd yearned to hear for years. He had what he wanted. His father's love.
* * *
As Katie got comfortable in the buggy, Rebecca turned to her. “There's something I need to ask you.”
Katie smiled as she laid her purse between them. “Go ahead.”
Rebecca lifted her chin and squared her shoulders. “Did you threaten me to go home?”
Rebecca noticed the fast rise and fall of Katie's chest. Several moments passed while Rebecca awaited a response.
When there was none, Rebecca flashed the envelope in front of her. “I found this on the floor.” She pointed to the emblem on the bottom corner.
The guilty look in Katie's eyes said everything. A rush that was a combination of sadness and disappointment swept through Rebecca's entire body like a bolt of lightning.
“What about it?”
Rebecca lowered her voice to barely more than a whisper. “I think you know.”
“Surely other people must own stationery like that.”
“With this emblem?”
Katie fidgeted.
“Katie, be honest. You're the one behind the warnings, aren't you?”
Moisture glistened in Katie's eyes. She spoke in an apologetic tone. “I sent them, Rebecca.”
Rebecca leaned toward the girl next to her. She gripped the envelope and waved it in the air. “Why? I thought you were my friend.”
A sheepish look covered Katie's face as she looked down at the floor and sighed in defeat. All the while, Rebecca tried to accept what she'd just discovered.
Katie raised her chin to meet Rebecca's gaze. “William was influenced by the English ways. I was so afraid you'd decide to not join the church. So”âshe shruggedâ“I took matters into my own hands, Rebecca. I didn't know what else to do.”
At a loss for words, Rebecca stared at the woman she'd considered a friend.
Katie's voice cracked with emotion. “I saw bad things happening, Rebecca. I believed the Conrads were pulling you in the wrong direction. I know that you assured me you'd never leave the faith. But I knew the only way to ensure that was to force you to move back home. That way, everything would be okay.”
She paused and seemed to collect herself. “I did it for your own good.”
Throwing her arms protectively over her chest, Rebecca gasped. “
For my own good?
Do you know how frightened I was? How you worried the Conrad family? My goodness, Katie! You put extra stress on Daniel's heart. You threw our lives into disarray.”
Katie stuttered. “I-I didn't realize . . .”
“For heaven sake, you left me a drawing of a casket! I was afraid for my life.”
Moisture sprang to Katie's eyes. “Rebecca, I didn't mean to cause so much heartache. All I wanted was for you to stay Amish. I'm so sorry. When I wrote those warnings, I didn't consider the harm they would cause. You know I'd never hurt you.”
A sarcastic laugh escaped Rebecca's throat. “I can't believe you actually thought that threatening me would ensure I stayed Amish. Where is
your
faith? You of all people must surely realize that I think for myself.”
Rebecca caught her breath. She clasped her hands on her lap and cleared her throat. “I'm Amish because that's who I am with my whole heart and soul.”
Katie sat as still as an eagle ready to prey on a small animal. Rebecca squeezed her eyes closed in disbelief, still trying to take in what she'd discovered. It was incomprehensible that the reason for her agony had been sparked by someone she trusted.
She straightened. “I'd like you to answer one question for me. When you delivered the threats, where did you park your buggy? We didn't hear your horse.”
“Both times, I tied him to a post fairly close to the house. It was far enough away that I knew no one would hear anything.” She hesitated. “If only you had stayed in Arthur, Rebecca. You and William would never have been tempted by the English ways.”
Rebecca put her hand on her hip and raised her chin. “You still don't get it, do you?”
“What?”
“I have no regrets about coming here. In fact, I'm grateful for this opportunity.” Rebecca took in a deep breath. “You know what I've learned?”
Katie merely looked at Rebecca to continue.
“We can't stay isolated all day, Katie, for fear of being tempted. We have to get out and take chances. How will we grow as human beings if we distance ourselves from the world? Goodness. We'd be cowards if we stayed inside four walls for fear of seeing or hearing anything that would make us think. Forcing me to go home would never have accomplished anything.”
Katie seemed frozen in place.
“What you did was so wrong. God throws tests at us on a daily basis so when a big obstacle comes our way, we'll have enough experience to deal with it.”
“Maybe you're right.”
Rebecca let out a sigh. “Look. Being away from my family in a non-Amish environment has been difficult. I admit that. My first nights here were especially rough. And although I appreciate electricity and Beth's fancy tub, I can do without them. The best part of it is that now I know what's out there, and I appreciate my heritage more than ever. I'm accepting of other churches, too. In fact, Beth Conrad is one of the most wonderful people I've ever met. Our conversations have sparked me to think. That's why I'm stronger than before.”
“Rebecca, you're so levelheaded.”
“You should be, too. And by the way, I'm not without my own problems. But common sense has always told me that sweeping them under a mat won't make them go away. Eventually, that rug will come up, and what's hidden will be exposed.”
Katie raised an inquisitive brow. “Are you saying that I've been trying to ignore my worries?”
Rebecca nodded. “It certainly appears that way. You tried to scare me into leaving town to make sure I returned to my Amish roots. In my heart, I know that God would want me to do that on my own. Without a threat.”
“I told you why I did it.”
Rebecca shook her head. “Katie, it doesn't matter. I make my own choices. And I take responsibility for those decisions. That isn't to say we won't make mistakes. But in the process, we learn.”
Katie paused. “That's an interesting way to look at it.” She threw her hands over her face. “Oh, Rebecca. I've done something awful. I'm ashamed of myself. Can you ever forgive me?”
“Of course. But you need to apologize to Beth, Daniel, and William. Your actions worried them, too. Tell them how deeply sorry you are and why you did what you did.”
“I will. I should try to be more like you, Rebecca. You're a role model.”
Rebecca looked at her to continue.
“If you had been in my shoes, you would have thought of an honest way to talk to me about your concerns. You would never have done what I did.”
Rebecca finally sat back in her seat, and a wave of relief swept through her. Even though Katie had been the cause of her pain, she had meant no harm. The threats had been a senseless mistake. Now, Rebecca could rest assured that she was safe.
Katie's voice broke her thoughts, and she startled.
“Rebecca, I can't undo the damage. But there must be some way to make this up to you. I really want us to continue to be friends. Is that possible?”
Chapter Twelve
Later that day, William regarded Beth with intense curiosity. Was she really going to teach him to drive? The question flitted in and out of William's mind as he sat in the driver's seat of her sleek BMW.
Everything about the car said luxury. The CD player. Stereo system. The open sunroof. The soft gray leather seat that had immediately molded comfortably to his body as if it had been custom designed for him.
With an eager smile, she handed him the keys. “Go ahead and start the ignition.”
Unable to stop a grin, William took the key, inserted it, and gently turned it. The engine made a soft purring noise.
William sat up a little straighter. “I love this car.”
He glanced at Beth, who was looking down at her seat belt while she fastened the buckle. After the click, William followed suit. In front of him loomed the black panel with all sorts of buttons. But the technology was no mystery.
He knew the dash by heart from the manual in the glove compartment. He'd imagined driving this vehicle so many times, he already felt at ease behind the steering wheel.
Beth instructed him to put the gear in reverse, back up with caution, and to move the lever to the forward position. As he did so, he reached for the Ray-Bans his father had lent them. He slid them on, glanced in the mirror, and smiled. On the country road, William clutched the wheel. He couldn't believe he was driving.
“How does it feel?”
William nodded, keeping his eyes on the blacktop. “Great.” His answer didn't do justice to her question. In fact, it was a huge understatement. As his gaze stayed on the narrow road that seemed to go on forever, he wondered if life could get any better.
From his peripheral vision, he caught Beth darting him a look of curiosity.
For the purpose of conversation, he said the only thing he could think of. “I'm surprised it's so easy to control.”
“Would you like to try the cruise?”
“Sure.” She explained how to set it. Of course, he knew. Still, he was fully aware that she was granting him a huge privilege in allowing him to drive her BMW, and simply thanked her for her instructions.
William darted a quick glance at the roof and squinted. The orange sun poured into the car like a fountain of warmth. The brightness made the jet-black dash take on a light gray appearance.
“My father taught me to drive on country roads.”
“Really?”
“Mm-hmm. I learned on a stick shift.” She laughed a little. “There were a lot of starts and stops while I tried. But eventually, I caught on. He was the most patient person I've ever known.”
“Why? Was it hard to drive?”
“It's far from an automatic. I kept letting up on the clutch too quickly, and the car would jerk and die. The trick is to let up slowly. Anyway, I finally got it.”
William wanted to make Beth aware of his gratitude. He felt awkward because of the bad feelings he'd felt toward her. Besides, he hardly knew his stepmom. Not sure what to say, he decided to make it simple.
“Thanks for this, Beth.”
He caught her wide grin. “My pleasure.” She paused. “But if you'd like to say thank you, you can thank Rebecca.”
He raised a brow. “Rebecca?”
“Mm-hmm. It was her idea, you know.”
“No, I didn't.”
“That girl looks out for you, William. You're one lucky man to have someone like that rooting for you. She's amazing.”
“Don't I know it.” He grinned. “And I'm fortunate I'm driving an automatic and not a stick like you learned on.”
“Indeed.”
He passed fields of corn and beans. For the first time since his arrival, he wished he were in Arthur. As he cruised ahead, he imagined waving to his Amish friends. He could envision the surprised looks on their faces if they could see him now.
As he thought of Aenti Sarah hanging clothes on the line, he breathed in the fresh country air that smelled of a mixture of woods and freshly mowed grass.
“Where should we go?”
She pointed. “Keep heading west. There's something I'd like to show you.”
William didn't ask what it was. He'd find out soon enough.
Beth continued. “In about five miles, we'll come to an intersection. That's where we'll swing a right.”
William nodded. Suddenly, his curiosity was piqued. What did Beth want to show him? The enthusiastic lift to her voice indicated it must be something interesting.
To his astonishment, he felt at ease with her. He yearned to open up, but what would he say? He didn't know her well. In fact, this was the first time they'd actually been alone. He noticed that she had become unusually quiet. Perhaps she was experiencing the same awkwardness.
It wasn't long before he approached the intersection. Following her instructions, he slowed the car. When he did so, she turned toward him a bit and motioned to the signal to the left of the steering wheel. “I know there's no one around, but why don't you flip that up for a right turn?”
She added, “Just for practice.”
He did as told. As soon as they changed directions, the blinking sound went off, and the lever kicked back into place. Beth moved forward to the edge of her seat. “You can slow down now. We're almost there.”
He could see her squint as she appeared to scrutinize the thick woods looming in front of them. William caught his breath. The terrain was more beautiful than anything he had ever seen.
The woods behind the Conrad home was gorgeous, but this view was particularly amazing because of the uneven landscape and the way the different species of trees and brush seemed to grow over each other.
He marveled at the large array of tall oaks that hovered prestigiously, as if utilizing their wide, full branches as shields to protect the ground from the sun.
Beth's voice broke into his thoughts. “Here's where you pull in.” She motioned to the side.
William turned onto a narrow gravel lane. The thick layer of rocks crunched under the tires. Very slowly and with great care, he followed the path that wound its way through the thick, massive forest. The shade created by the foliage blocked the sunlight. He removed his sunglasses and returned them to the holder on the driver's door. He blinked to adjust his vision.
He was about to reach for the button to turn on the lights when the trees miraculously disappeared, and a huge lake presented itself. Its deep blue color reminded him of a soft, thick blanket that Aenti Sarah had knit for a neighbor.
The bright sun reappeared. At the edge of the pond, William had no choice but to put the car into park. Totally smitten with the view, he drew in a long, deep breath and stared at the enormous round body of water surrounded by woods.
When Beth put a gentle hand on his arm, he drew back. Her touch came as a surprise. He'd become so enamored with the beautiful vista, he'd forgotten she was next to him.
“Sorry. I didn't mean to startle you.”
He smiled a little. “It's okay.”
“Are you up for a walk?”
“Sure.”
William unfastened his seat belt and stepped out of the car. Amid the quiet serenity, the only sounds were the doors slamming.
Why were they here? Was the place owned by a friend? He hadn't seen signs indicating that it was a public area. Beth motioned to a dirt path that appeared to wind its way around the vast area of lake. He followed her.
“This is beautiful.” William listened to the birds singing. A red fox darted in front of him, and he stopped a moment. He kicked a large green hedge apple out of his path. The view in front of him oozed peacefulness and tranquility.
He glimpsed the dark blue hues of the water. The color was as tranquil and mysterious as photos he'd seen of the Indian Ocean. Purple and golden wildflowers decorated the shore.
Beth's gentle voice seemed to float through the air. “I knew you'd like it here. This is Daniel's favorite piece of land.” She paused to glance at William. “In fact, he's talked for years about bringing you here.” She pulled in a little breath. “He always wanted to take you fishing.”
William couldn't hide the surprise in his voice. “He owns this?”
Beth nodded.
William looked at her to continue.
“He was always consumed with work. It's sad to say that he's never set foot on here since we bought it.” She shrugged. “You know how that goes.”
William nodded. He was all too aware. Daniel not only was too busy to fish, but he'd been too preoccupied with his business over the years to visit his own son. But William had seen his dad's work orders. With a customer list of that size, William would bet that his father had never taken a vacation.
Beth resumed the walk, and William followed her on the narrow path.
“William, when Daniel picked out this property, all he could talk about was how you would love it here. He had big dreams, you know. He even planned to get a boat.”
William frowned in doubt. “Beth, you're painting a nice picture of Dad, but I can't believe he really wanted to take me fishing.”
“Why would you think that?”
“Because we've never done anything together.”
She shook her head. “It's too bad. Some people think they have all the time in the world to do the things they want to do. I suppose Daniel's one of those people.”
After a lengthy pause, Beth took a deep, unsteady breath. “William, you may not believe this either, but you're the apple of Daniel's eye.”
Her voice took on a nervous, breathless tone. “Time passed us by. I suppose that expression about never putting off the things you want to do holds a lot of truth. I'm fully aware that talking is different than doing, but I hope you'll believe me when I tell you that I truly wish the three of us could redo the years you and your father spent apart.”
William's chest rose and fell rapidly. In a shaky voice, he responded, “Me too.”
“We both should have spent more time with you, William. I'm ashamed that we didn't.”
William pursed his lips as he considered Beth's admission. He didn't know her well, but suddenly felt the need to spill his guts.
“Why didn't you? You had a car.”
Beth slowed. The path had widened just enough for them to walk side by side. William's shoulder brushed hers.
She stopped to look into his eyes. What he saw was defeat. Despair. Regret.
In fact, the expression on her face was so remorseful, it lessened his irritation. To his surprise, his anger diminished. It was replaced by a sense of loss and grief.
“Work. And Daniel's strong need to do as he believed your mother would have wanted.”
“That doesn't explain why you didn't keep me during the summer. Dad could have surely found a couple of weeks to spend with me. You know, like a stepparent's time with his kid.”
Beth squeezed her eyes closed and nodded in agreement. When she opened her lids, drops of moisture clung to her eyes like morning dew on a leaf. “We should have done better, William. I'm not making excuses, but from the day he left you in Arthur, Daniel struggled with what to do. But regardless of his decision to leave and not take you, we should have made you our priority. We failed.”
When William didn't respond, Beth went on. “Daniel wanted you. At the same time, he was convinced you were happy with Aenti Sarah.”
“I was.” William's voice cracked with emotion. “But I missed him. I've told him how I felt when he left.”
She lowered her gaze to the ground. “You probably experienced the same agony he did after he left. No sleep. Nightmares. It was a pretty rough time. I offered to adopt you, William”âshe hesitatedâ“but it didn't matter. In the end, Daniel yearned to do what would have pleased your mother.”
William's gut ached. Pain traveled from his stomach up to his chest as he thought of the lost time with his dad.
“Daniel isn't a good communicator, William, but there's no doubt that he loves you. He wishes he could make up for lost time.” She threw her hands in the air. “He can't.”
“No.”
“But”âshe let out a deep sighâ“maybe the two of you can start over. At least, you're both alive. God does offer second chances, and this is surely one of them. That doesn't mean everything will be perfect, but it can be good. Daniel obviously loves you enough to ask you to take over his business.”
She motioned to the lake. “He also cares enough about you to do this.”
William raised a curious brow. “What?”
“This property is a gift to you and Rebecca from Daniel and me. We would love it if you built here. Of course, we'll help. Can you imagine a better place to raise your children?” She took a deep, satisfied breath. “Our grandchildren.”
William's breath caught in his throat. “Dad wants me to have this?”
Beth nodded. “Of course, it can't compensate for growing up without him, but in his own way, your dad's trying to show you he loves you.”
As William digested what she'd told him, he considered what Rebecca's reaction would be. His temples pounded with uncertainty. Turmoil brewed inside of him. He wanted to work with his dad and become his friend. He also yearned to marry Rebecca. There wasn't a way to do both.
Beth's voice was low and serious. “I'd like to be close to you, too, William. I realize that this is a lot to think about. It's something you and Rebecca will have to decide together.”
“I don't know what to say.”
“Right now, you don't need to do anything. Daniel and I are just happy to have the opportunity to get close to you. That is, if you'll give us a second chance.” After a lengthy pause, she spoke in what was barely more than a whisper.