“Prepare
to lose.”
“You
wish.”
For
all my big talk, my heart isn’t in it. Sawyer beats me easily,
and then again. Still, I keep playing: I need something to focus on,
to pause between breaks and chat with my friends, tease him over
missed shots and keep my mind from straying too close to the one
place I can’t risk letting it linger.
Will.
“You
guys will have to come up and visit,” Eva is insisting. “What
do you say, Dee? Maybe you could even come back with me next week,”
she suggests. “Take a few days out of town, relax,
escape . . .”
I
know what she’s suggesting I escape from, and to tell the
truth, it’s tempting. For the first time, I realize what it’ll
mean to be in Oak Harbor with Will: running into him all the time at
the grocery store or here at the bar. My wretched heartbreak waiting
around every corner, like an emotional time bomb ready to explode.
“Maybe.”
I give her a grateful smile. “I’ve got a big pitch
meeting, so I have to see how that goes first.”
“Whenever
you want, just let me know,” Eva vows. “You’ve got
a spot on our couch any day.”
“Couch?”
I tease, managing to laugh. “Girl, your other half just sold
out a world-wide stadium tour. You know I’m getting the guest
suite.”
Eva
grins. “I still can’t believe our apartment, it’s
insane. You’ll flip when you see it!”
“I
can’t wait.” I hand her the pool cue. “Here, you
take my shot, I’ve got to run to the restroom.”
Eva
makes a face. “Don’t blame me if I lose for you.”
Sawyer
lets out a snort of laughter. “You can’t be any worse,
trust me.”
“Gee,
thanks.” I shove him lightly as I pass him by, heading to the
bathrooms across the bar. The silence in the dark stall is abrupt
after the noise outside, and I take a moment to catch my breath,
rinsing my hands under the cool faucet. My reflection stares back at
me in the cracked, grafittied mirror.
I
could almost pass for happy. The flush in my cheeks. The smile I
stretch on my lips. If you didn’t know me, you’d never
guess my heart is aching with every breath, but I can see it in my
eyes.
I
didn’t want to be this girl.
Disappointed
by a guy’s selfish lies, hurting because of his choices. I
wanted to be invincible, better than this, somehow. It’s dumb,
I know. I fell, just like everyone else. I connected, opened up,
offered my heart—and felt the searing pain of having it torn
limb from limb. I’m mixing my vital organ metaphors, but you
get the point. I shake my head, turning back to the exit door. Maybe
those shots are finally kicking in.
I
head back out into the bustle of Friday night. I’m halfway to
the pool table when an arm slides around my waist. “Looking for
me?”
It’s
Brody, that old fling I ran into the other day. He’s with a
group of buddies, grinning and throwing back some beers. “If I
was, I couldn’t miss you.” I slip out of his embrace and
playfully poke his gut. “Putting on a few pounds there, Mr.”
“Are
you ripping on my six-pack?” he laughs.
“More
like a keg these days,” I say, and he gives me a flirty look.
“Guess
I need to show you up close what the beast looks like.”
I
snort with laughter. “The beast? Is that what you’re
calling yourself now?”
“Don’t
you forget it.” Brody winks. Then he catches sight of something
over my shoulder, and steps back, putting his hands up like I’m
a cop. “Uh oh, looks like your other half is here. Thought the
dude was going to knock me out last time I came close.”
I
turn, my heart pounding in a sick lurch.
It’s
him.
Just
inside the doorway, still scanning the room. He looks exactly the
same as when I left him earlier this evening, which means he’s
still wearing my favorite shirt, the blue plaid that brings out the
green in his eyes. Last night, I wore it and nothing else to go fetch
leftover takeout for us to eat in bed. I still remember the way he
looked at me, that lazy, satisfied smile. “You look too good in
that,” he said, reaching to tumble me back into his arms. “I’m
not going to be able to wear it without picturing you naked
underneath.”
Now,
his eyes lock on mine from clear across the room, and the longing
that cuts through me pierces clean through my chest. I’d give
anything in the world to turn the clock back to that moment, when I
still believed every word he said.
But
even if I could rotate the earth backwards on its axis, he would
still be lying, I remind myself sadly, turning away. All that time we
spent together, he claimed to be such an open book, but really, he
was hiding his past from me. Hiding who he really was.
“Seriously,”
Brody smirks, still looking over at Will. “That dude looks
pissed. Don’t tell me there’s trouble in paradise?”
“No
trouble, and no paradise either,” I say lightly. My skin
prickles with awareness, knowing Will’s eyes are on me, and I
find myself leaning in a little closer to Brody. “So tell me
about this band you’re in . . . are you
going to be a rock star when you grow up?”
My
tone is teasing, playful, and Brody brightens under my flirty smile,
launching into all the news about his “skate-punk-ska-jungle”
music while I nod along and pretend to be hanging off his every word.
Maybe it’s childish, wanting to make Will jealous like this,
but I can flirt with whoever the hell I want.
There’s
nothing between us anymore.
Brody
keeps talking, so caught up in himself he doesn’t even notice
my heart is breaking, right here in front of him. But a moment later
we’re interrupted: Will plants himself beside me.
“Dee.”
Just
the sound of my name on his lips brings it all rushing back, the
terrible tempest of emotion I’ve been fighting to keep under
control. I’ve heard him murmur my name softly, groan it in pure
frustration, and cry it out in the fits of passion. And now, here in
the dark, noisy bar, he says it urgently. Intense.
It’s
almost enough to make me crumble, but I stand strong.
“What?”
I give him my best icy glare, faltering when I see the torment in his
eyes.
“I
need to talk to you.”
I
clench my jaw. “There’s nothing to say.”
“There’s
plenty.” Will’s voice is soft and full of regret. My
heart aches, but I force myself to turn back to Brody and fix him
with a bright smile.
“The
bongos, huh?” I manage to say, even as all my attention is
focused on the man just inches away from me. “Wow, that sounds,
interesting. You’ll have to play for me sometime.”
“Sure
thing, babe.” Brody grins, clearly enjoying the scowl on Will’s
face. “You want to get out of here now? We could head back to
my place for a private performance, if you know what I mean.”
Subtle,
he isn’t, but I don’t even have time to react before Will
grabs my arm and pulls me towards the exit. “Let me go!”
I protest, half-relieved to escape Brody’s proposition. “Will!”
The
door swings open, and then we’re outside in the dark of the
parking lot, nothing but headlights from the highway in the distance
and the crashing sound of the waves against the cliffs across the
street.
Will releases me, and I stumble
back, thrown. “What the hell?” I demand, recovering. “You
don’t get to drag me around like I’m your goddam
property. You don’t get to do anything at all!”
“What
were you doing with that guy?” Will demands, his eyes blazing.
“Are you trying to drive me crazy?”
“No,”
I shoot back. “I’m trying to forget you even exist!”
“Just
like that?” Will sucks in a breath, his whole body rigid with
tension. “You haven’t even let me explain. I was with
Helena for two years, but I told you, it’s over. It was over
before I even met you!”
I
see something in his eyes, just a flash of guilt. I shiver.
“How
long before you met me?” I ask, my stomach twisting.
Will
exhales. Silence.
“When?”
I demand again.
“A
week,” he says quietly, and I’m so stunned I can’t
even breathe for a moment.
A
week. Seven days. A hundred and something hours between him planning
to spend the rest of his life with her, and making out with me on a
dark, rain-drenched street? “I take longer than that to figure
out what color to paint my nails!” I yell suddenly, anger
overtaking me. “You were with her for years, and then suddenly
you meet me, move down here, and act like I’m all you want in
the world?”
“You
are,” Will says simply, looking at me the way he always has.
Like he’s certain. But how can he be when he turned his life
around on a dime? “You have to understand, Dee, I meant it,”
he swears. “I’ve meant every word I’ve ever said to
you. Meeting you that night, it was like the light suddenly went on.
Everything made sense to me, about why it didn’t work out with
Helena, why it could have never worked out, even if she hadn’t
cheated on me. You and me, it’s right, in a way that I never
felt with her!”
I
shake my head, tears stinging in my throat now. “You’re
crazy.”
“No,
I just know what I want,” Will replies, fervent. “And
it’s you. From the start, it’s always been you.”
I
turn away, pacing on the damp asphalt. I can’t take it all in,
I feel like my chest is being squeezed in a vice-like grip. “So
why didn’t you say something?” I ask, my voice twisting.
“If I was so right, if this was meant to be, why didn’t
you just tell me? ‘By the way, Delilah,’ ” I
mimic, scathing, “ ‘before we get too carried away,
I should probably say, I have an ex-fiancée and a whole life
back home that I just up and left!”
He
hangs his head. “I know I should have. And if I could do it all
over again, I would, I swear to you.”
But
my anger is rising now, and it’s the only thing to save me from
the wretched pain. “How can I believe you now? We talked!”
I yell, trying to hold back the sobs. “I told you everything, I
let you in! And you just lied to me, over and over again.”
“I
never lied.” Will tries to reach for me, but I snatch back.
“You
didn’t tell me who you really are. You had a whole secret life,
and I knew nothing about it!”
Will’s
face changes. “No, Dee, this isn’t like your father. I
never cheated on you. I would never do that!”
“Stop
it!” I cry, shaking with emotion. I’m trying so hard to
keep it together, but I can’t, not with him standing there,
haloed in the neon lights, looking so good. So sure. Fuck, why does
he have to look at me like that? “I can’t do this.”
I back away. “Please, just let me go. It’s over, Will.”
“It
can’t be!” He grabs my hand. “Tell me what you
want. Whatever it takes. I’ll do anything to make this right,”
he vows.
“I
want never to have met you!” I can’t hold back anymore.
All the hurt and betrayal comes flooding out, in wretched hiccupping
sobs. “I want not to feel like my heart is breaking. I want
never to have fallen in love with you!”
My
voice echoes, an anguished plea in the dark of the parking lot.
Will
looks like I just slapped him. “Dee—”
“That’s
enough for tonight, don’t you think?” A calm voice
interrupts us, and then Sawyer is draping my jacket around my
shoulders, my purse already dangling from one hand. “I’ll
take you home,” he tells me, before shooting Will a look. It
seems like Will wants to argue, but after a beat, he nods his head.
“I’ll
talk to you later,” he says to me, but I’m already
walking away, somehow putting one foot in front of the other while
Sawyer murmurs something to him too low for me to hear. Then he
catches up to me in a few strides, slipping his arm around my
shoulders and steering me back towards town.
I
let him guide me, wiping away the tears still streaming down my face.
We walk in silence across the square, my storm of emotions quieting
by the time we finally reach my front door. Sawyer finds my keys and
unlocks, then asks gently, “Are you going to be OK?”
“I
have to be, don’t I?” I answer, pained. “Life goes
on.”
I
glance over. Sawyer looks like he’s thinking. “What?”
I ask, then sigh. “This is where you’re going to tell me
to forgive him. That he made a mistake, and he’s a good guy,
really.”
“Not
at all.” Sawyer squeezes my shoulders. “I’m just
sorry you’re hurting. I know you cared about him a lot.”
I
say goodbye and step into the dark apartment. I close the door and
sink back, sliding to the floor, too weary to take another step.
Cared.
Past tense. It sounds so neat and final, so why does my chest feel
split wide open, every cell in my body aching with heartbreak and
regret? There’s nothing neat about the way I feel right now,
pulled in a dozen directions with no way to make sense of it all.
He
looked so anguished, there in the moonlight. Like his heart was
breaking right along with mine, as if he’d do anything to take
my pain away.
But
how can I ever believe him again?
I
make it through the week on autopilot. After what’s just
happened, I wish I could just shut everything down and hide away from
everything, but the rest of the world doesn’t seem to get the
memo: life goes on, even though it feels like my world has fallen
apart. My friends are great, so supportive, but I can see the
questions lingering in their eyes, and the delicate way they dance
around it. I know what they’re thinking, because I’m
asking myself the same thing: Yes, he didn’t tell me the whole
story, but he didn’t cheat, or straight-out lie, or betray me
in any other way. We all have a past, and maybe he shouldn’t
have hidden his from me, but he would have told me eventually.
So
what’s the big deal?
I
can’t explain how somehow what Will did has cut me right to the
core, and pressed all my buttons. Every one of my darkest, most
painful fears has been dragged into the bright sun, and I just don’t
know what to do.