Red Dirt Diary 3 (3 page)

Ned Murphy ended up bandaged from neck to toe, with both arms and legs in splints. Gary and Nick tried to bring him down the steps of
the veranda with a special four-handed seat carry, but dropped him down instead. Ned's forehead split open and bled heaps, despite the fact that Grace Simpson ran round and round in circles, yelling, ‘Apply pressure! Apply pressure!'

Banjo sat nearby, working through some lines for his next poem, ‘Ode to a Complex Accident'. I heard him mutter, ‘Bleeding head … nearly dead … bones shattered … guts splattered …'

It's a good thing the Colonel knows so much about first aid, because he had a pretty bad case of shock himself by the end of the lesson. Hee hee!

Wes and Fez spent the evening cutting up their blankets and sewing them to Mum's mop and broom handles. They now have four stretchers to use in an emergency.

When it was time for bed, Fez started crying because they didn't have enough blankets. He was worried they'd die of hypothermia in the night. He tried cuddling up to Wes for body warmth but Wes called him a sissy pink-pants and punched him in the nose.

Tuesday, 1 May

The pit trap worked. It must have been totally camouflaged because Mum fell down it at 7 am and sprained her ankle.

Wes and Fez put all their first aid learning straight into action.

‘Don't worry, Mummy Darling Heart,' Fez yelled.

‘Doctor Wes and Nursey Fez are coming to the rescue!' Wes yelled.

I think that might be when she really started to panic.

They grabbed one of their blanket and broomstick stretchers and carried Mum over to the veranda, where they dropped her on top of Fluffles. Now Mum has a sprained ankle
and
three cat scratches down her left arm. Fluffles has a broken tail.

Wes and Fez offered to bandage Mum up but she said they'd already done enough, thank you
very much! They splinted and bandaged Fluffles instead. Poor cat can hardly walk her tail is so stiff and heavy. She looks like a feather duster.

Explained to Mum that none of this would have happened if the Colonel hadn't filled Wes and Fez's heads with crazy ideas.

Gabby turned up at school with a red clipboard, a thermometer and a first aid kit. She was dead jealous when Wes and Fez told her all about their real-life emergency this morning, so she spent the whole of recess doing check-ups on the juniors and sending them into the sick bay. She was terribly upset when Mr Cluff sent them back into class for maths.

Mat, Ben and I have decided that the first edition of
The Bake Tribune
should come out next Friday. I already have two news items. ‘Boy eats twelve sausage sandwiches' by Davo Hartley is a riveting story about Worms's day out at the Anzac barbecue. ‘Spinach leaf shaped like Madagascar' by Sam Wotherspoon tells of the amazing discovery made in his vegie patch last week. Of course,
all
spinach leaves are shaped like Madagascar because Madagascar is shaped
like a spinach leaf, but hopefully our readers won't realise this.

Wednesday, 2 May

Gabby gave me an article for the newspaper today. She said it's important that the whole community knows how to treat emergencies as well as she does.

I showed Gabby's article to the Colonel so he could see what a disaster his first outdoor education lesson has been. But he just wriggled his bushy eyebrows up and down like two feral furry caterpillars and said, ‘By gum, that's a
fascinating
list of first aid essentials,' and walked away whistling!

Maybe he won't be so excited when it goes in
The Bake Tribune
and everyone in the community reads it. He won't seem so clever and charming then, will he?

Mat has spent hours staring at a blank computer screen today. She is meant to be writing part one of her romance serial. I told her Petal could type faster than her, but she said real romance needs time to blossom.

Whatever.

Thursday, 3 May

Sarah got hysterical this morning just before the school bell rang. Her scissors were jammed open and she was worried about them being dangerous. Sarah's the Hardbake Plains Scissors Police. She's always telling kids not to run with scissors and to pass them to someone else handles first.

The Colonel sat her down on the steps and removed the scissors from her hand. He took a tiny tin from his pocket, removed a blob of butter and rubbed it up and down the blades until they could open and close smoothly.

Sarah was amazed, although quite concerned at how close the Colonel had come to chopping his fingers off. Some kids are easily impressed, that's for sure!

Banjo handed in a poem for the newspaper today:

Let Mat give me a manicure at lunch time, just to experience something new … and because she nagged the guts out of me. My fingernails are
now slime green (although Mat calls it ‘Meadow Glisten'). It looks like I have gangrene. Hope Gabby doesn't see or she'll want to amputate my hands!

Petal keeps nibbling hungrily at my fingertips. She must think they are pond slime or tiny green froglets.

Friday, 4 May

Half the kids brought little jars and plastic containers of butter to school in their pockets today. By recess, every pair of scissors and every zipper in the junior room was smeared with a thick layer of butter. It smelt like a CWA scone baking competition.

At recess, Worms got his tongue caught in the zip of his pencil case when he tried to lick the butter off. Gabby dragged him over to the shade and was recording his pulse when Wes and Fez ran over to help. They bandaged Worms's right leg and put his left arm in a sling.

Gabby was furious. She said Worms was
her
patient and they were interfering. Wes shoved Gabby and Gabby shoved Fez. Fez fell over on the edge of Gabby's first aid box and cut his forehead. Worms went into shock at the sight of
all the blood dripping off Fez's face, vomited and fainted.

Gabby ran into the girls' toilets, crying. Just when she was really needed!

I wandered over to Mr Cluff and pointed out that none of this would have happened if the Colonel hadn't buttered Sarah's scissors in the first place.

Mr Cluff just sighed and said, ‘Miss McKenzie loves butter cake. She used to bring me a slice to have with my cuppa every now and then. Delicious …'

He keeps focusing on the WRONG THING!

Butter Cake McKenzie emailed tonight. She hadn't replied earlier because she'd been hiking up in the mountains for two weeks, trying to find herself (Huh??). I replied that she was welcome to hike around the paddocks at Hillrose Poo any time she liked. The crops will soon be sprouting and the paddocks will be as green as lime cordial. It will be the most beautiful place on earth.

Saturday, 5 May

Woken by Macka squealing at the foxes at 4 am. Wes ran out past the chicken coop, waving a shovel
at them and fell down the pit trap. The shovel flipped up and hit him right between the eyes.

Dad ran over to help, but Wes thought he was a fox running through the dark. He grabbed the shovel, swung it up and whacked Dad across the shins. Wes bawled his eyes out in the ditch and Dad hopped around in the dark cursing. Macka stopped squealing and ran around them in circles gurgling with joy.

Wes spent all day sleeping.

Fez and I spent all afternoon running around with undies on our heads, throwing sultanas at Gunther until he chased us up the peppercorn tree. It's not something I'd normally choose to do, but I have to admit, it was really fun. Especially when Gunther caught Fez and ripped the seat out of his pants!

Sunday, 6 May

Wes fainted during one of the prayers in Mass today. Gabby was right there beside him in a flash, sticking her thermometer under his tongue. Halfway through the sermon she yelled out in her most important voice, ‘Praise the Lord! He's going to live!'

Mat spent the entire sermon scribbling notes for her romance serial in the front of the hymn book. Father O'Malley thought she was taking notes on his sermon and kept giving her encouraging looks as he spoke.

After Mass, Mat said she will have the most romantic story ever for our first edition of the newspaper. She said it will make my heart flutter and my knees turn to jelly. If it's anything like the romances Sophie reads, it will make my
lunch
flutter in my stomach and my
brain
turn to jelly. I hope it isn't too embarrassing!

Mrs Whittington sat in the garden with Gunther and his bunnies all afternoon, knitting and chatting. The bunnies played with the balls of wool. Gunther lay nearby and made a sneezing noise which I think is pig laughter.

When Mrs Whittington came over for dinner, she gave Wes and Fez a new orange and green striped tea cosy each. She told them not to eat them all at once or they might get a tummy ache.

Monday, 7 May

Had our second outdoor adventure lesson today. It was on ropes. The Colonel had a whole heap of harnesses, climbing helmets and ropes that he
set up around the school. By the end of the day everyone had learnt to winch themselves to the top of the monkey bars, walk up and down the boys' toilet wall and swing themselves across the sandpit.

It was fantastic fun, but there was no way that I was going to admit it. I tried to look totally unimpressed all afternoon. I rolled my eyes, frowned and threw withering looks at the Colonel, but Mr Cluff just thought I had a tummy ache and made me lie down on the veranda. Gabby started taking my temperature every five minutes and explained that I probably had wind and would feel better if I could let it all out!

It was a big fat disaster.
I
missed out on half the activities, while everyone else had loads of fun. Even Mat enjoyed it, although she was quite concerned that the harness made her bum look big. It did, but I couldn't tell her because Gabby's thermometer was stuffed in my mouth. Very disappointing!

As soon as we got home, Wes and Fez used Dad's ropes to climb up to the top of the peppercorn tree. They couldn't get down again. Dad had to ring the Bush Fire Brigade to come out with their truck that has the long fire ladder
on the back. The CWA women always go wherever the Fire Brigade goes, just in case they need food. Gabby came out with her mum just in case someone needed a leg amputated. Worms came out with his granny just in case there were extra scones or lemon meringue pies to be eaten.