Red Hot Obsessions (230 page)

He closed his eyes and tucked his hands into the back pockets on his jeans. A long breath escaped his circled lips. “Uhhh ... maybe.”

“Yes, Logan,” I shouted. “Yes, most definitely, yes. Don’t even try to downplay it or deny it. You
love
to make me cry. Love it. You burned hot seeing me cry and lose it in the Quad right? And in your car? And on your floor while the game was on? You do it every chance you get. And you know what? I love it too. I do not
like
to hurt that way, but I love knowing that I’m pleasing you, that
suffering
in whatever way you ask is proving my devotion to you and making you happy.”

Big drops fell from the bottom ridges of his lids. “But I don’t
want
to do that. I don’t
want
to hurt you. I just get sucked in and crave more and more.” He scrubbed his face and rubbed his forehead with his fist. “There’s this war inside, where I want to protect you with all my might, and at the same time, I yearn to make you sob and scream. I’m such a sick fuck.”

“Logan,” Camilla said. “I have known some sick fucks, and I have the scars to show for it, and trust me, you are not one. Tell me what you really are. Let it spill from your mouth. Embrace it.”

He turned away and shook his head. “I
can’t
.”

“Why not?”

“Because it’s ugly. It’s a horrible thing to be. No way in hell do I want to be that. Some pain-thirsty fiend with a strangling rapist’s thirst.”

“They are not the same. You are always hemmed in by
her
, by her wants, her limits.”

“They spring from the same dark cellar.”

“You
saying
you don’t want to be one doesn’t make it so. Admit it. Then I can help you process it. It’s hard for a lot of people to come to grips with, but it’s your truth. Own it.”

He turned back around, gruffly shaking his head. His sexy mouth opened and closed. “I, I’m, uhhh, I can’t. I can’t say it.”

“It’s not an ugly word,” she insisted. “Sexual sadism is different than what you know and believe. It’s a state of mind, a beautiful truth to behold. It’s only ugly right now because it’s unbridled and uncertain before you, because you don’t understand its power or what it even means. But I can help you rein it in. I can help you thrive so you can feed your arousal, while ensuring your sub gets what she needs without being totally demolished in the process. You can learn to work with and love your kink and all the dark corners of your soul. You don’t
have
to ditch your sub, Logan. You don’t have to run. She’s comfortable with you as you are and okay with the pain you ache to deliver, with the tears you yearn to see. And if she’s not, she has the freedom to speak up, yes? She has a safeword?”

“Yeah. She has a few for different things.” He sighed. “I just … ah, I don’t know.”

“You know what, Logan,” I cried, “regardless of what you can admit out loud or what you choose to do, you breached my trust anyway. You crushed me into dust when I gave you
everything
. I gave my virginity to you and the entirety of my heart and my full devotion. This is exactly what I meant when I said you don’t trust me to take what you crave to give. And if I
can’t
take it, I can exit out. But instead of talking to me or trusting me to take your sadistic whims and jabs, you ran and didn’t care that it cut and left me adrift. As much as I don’t want our THIS to be over, I also don’t know where we’re supposed to go from here. I don’t know how I’m supposed to trust in you again. You shattered my faith and made me terrified to be yours.” My voice broke as I said, “You were the
one
person I trusted completely, the one. You were my dream Dom and my gumdrop-kitten-loving boyfriend. And now, you’re just another monster who doesn’t give a shit about me, just like everyone else in my life, save for maybe Shayna.”

“Ohmygod! You think I don’t...I
love
you, Addison. I love you thoroughly, more than I can ever say. I’ve never loved anyone more. That’s why I’m struggling with this. You don’t understand the war inside my mind. You don’t get it. I don’t want you to be subjected to someone like me.”

“Someone like you? I
chose
you with so much, nearly everything, unknown. Nothing you’ve said today has scared me off. And you chose me. What are you even talking about? What the hell are you so afraid of!”

His eyes bored into mine. “I don’t want … I don’t want to go
crazy
, Addison. I don’t want to lose my grounding in reality and destroy you in the process. I’m
so
hungry, Addison, you just don’t even know. There’s this wild beast inside that I constantly have to keep in check. And you make me insane with savage lust.”

“You are
not
crazy, Logan. You are not your mom or unhinged in anyway. You’re not a slave to
her
mind or bad choices. You’re a stupid jackass, and a coward sometimes, that’s for damn sure, but I’ve never met anyone more sane or more in control than you. You are a Dominant with a sweet heart, a perfect spank and an amazing kiss. That innate kindness, the one that wants to give junior highers wings, the one that told Shayna she should never compromise her standards, the one that jerked me out of a scene so I could be fucked properly, will always steer you right, even through the darkness and unknowns. You are your own person, one who wields command over me with fluidity and ease. I would never have agreed to be yours if I doubted that for a second.” I scratched my lip with my thumbnail. “I feel so crushed and battered and numb right now. I just … don’t know what to do.”

“Me neither. Do you think we’re done? We just started, had the one scene. Maybe we’re too young and stupid or not cut out to be lifestylers.”

I shrugged and bit my lip as tears raced down my face. I could feel my heart break into a million pieces. “Ah, I don’t know,” I blubbered. “I don’t want to be done. But I just ... I just can’t breathe or think right now. I’m smothered by grief and confusion, and I’m drowning in my newfound love for you. I don’t want all our sparkly boxes to get heaved into the trash, but I need some elbow room. I need time and space.”

“To think about
shit
.”

I clacked my tongue and wiped my face. After a deep breath, I let out a soft and brittle, “Yeah. To think about shit. I
want
to be claimed be you, I want to belong to you and no one else, but at this point, it’s just so dangerous when I’m so new and starting with nothing. You can yank back the rug I’m standing on at any time, which you did, and I know now, that there’s nothing underneath but air. I was left in a plummet, and it’s terrifying. I think I need to learn how to be a good sub, period, and not just
your
sub. I need to build the foundation myself, starting with what
I
want and need, so if things don’t work out between us, I won’t lose myself entirely. Do you understand where I’m coming from?”

“Yes. Perfectly. Kay, Babydoll. I’ll give you your wings. I’m warring inside. I’m scared to be with you, yet I don’t know how to let you go.” Logan came up to me and stroked his knuckles down the side of my face. “God, I love you. So much.” After a kiss on my temple, he whispered, “Be a good kitten.”

My eyes stung as I flung my arms around his my torso, pressed my head to his chest and squeezed him with all my might. I had so many words brimming in my mind, but even the simple, “I’ll try,” got scorched by the prickly burn in my throat. I could only cry and hang on to him as my whole, sparkly new world came crashing down around me.

CHAPTER 3

Following Sabrina in my car to Xtreme Xtasy, I gawked when she led me to a wide castle. Though it was set back from the road, it was surprisingly not in the middle of nowhere. We passed a strip mall about a half mile back and regular ranch houses sat across the street. The massive parking lot was only about half full. As we walked toward the entrance, I wondered if residents across the street could hear the screams.

Even though my BDSM bubble with Logan had only been in existence for less than a week, it felt like half a lifetime since we met. I asked him for some freedom and elbow room, but I still felt tightly bound to him. He was always there, right there, whispering commands and dirty things in my ear.

In tenth grade, before my last growth spurt, I got chubby from binge eating, and in the summer when I wanted to lose weight,
food
was all I could think about, what my meal would be for the week, then each day. Food thoughts consumed me all day long. I’d often yearn for that next snack or meal right after I ate because I’d grown accustomed to larger portions and snacking on whatever. I’d watch the clock and breathe a sigh of relief when I could finally, finally eat again, and I’d savor every bite. I felt like that now, only in a more extreme way. Logan was all I could think about, and my body yearned, cried out for his touch, every moment of the day. I wanted to be pinned to the floor, his hand on my throat, his hot breath in my ear and his knee right between my legs, grinding into my crotch. And then I wanted him to flip me over and spank me hard and fuck me in the hole of his choice.

I don’t know why being used like that excites me so much, but it does. I love the lack of control, the unknowns, the forcefulness, and the rising swell within me to surrender to him. The joy, sexual freedom, and peace I feel in his vicing hold is so visceral and lovely. It makes my whole body crackle and buzz, it floods my heart with music, and it tells me I am home. I belong. I am his. I am
better
as his. But I really need to stop thinking like that and get him out of my head. I need to be solid and sexy and submissive on my own
without
Logan. Even though I want
him
and no one else, I need to be sure I can be a great sub, period. I need some ground. Tonight, I’m determined to rest and breathe and dazzle as a submissive, just because I am
a
sub, and not
someone’s
sub.

Anxiety slithered down my neck and spine when Sabrina and I crossed the drawbridge over a moat. We walked through heavy, massive, double arched doors that had pewter handles of a gagged and bound, naked woman, arching her back like a strung bow.

We gave our names to the attendant at the computer in the foyer, but our IDs were oddly not checked for confirmation. Since I was new and a non-member, I had to read and sign off on the club rules, which were basically, don’t get in anyone’s way or interfere in a play area, respect House Doms and Dungeon Masters/Mistresses, don’t touch anyone without consent, confine sexual activities to private rooms (and be responsible and safe while engaging), don’t bring in alcohol, weapons or drugs, don’t open closed doors without permission, and what happens here, stays here.
Agreed.

After getting our “s” hand stamps,
lowercase
likely because we declared ourselves subs not Switches, we walked into the main hub. I couldn’t stop wobbling like Shayna when she came with me to that party.

The extreme levels of kink in this dungeon of blood-red and black made me crave the safety of my boxes with Logan. Even though Sabrina and I were dressed appropriately as emo hookers of kink, I felt so virginal, dizzy and out-of-sorts here. I could’ve brought toys like she had in her little skull and bones backpack, but I didn’t intend on playing in scenes
that
kinky or probey. I was mostly here to watch. If I actually got up the nerve to get some pink on my cheeks, well, I didn’t need toys for that. A strong hand would get it done.

Though various scents permeated the club, they were aphrodisiacs to the taste buds of my desire. I mostly loved that there were people of all sizes, races and shapes. This place was not grimy like I thought it would be. Everything was luxurious and top-notch, from the ruby velveteen drapes to the dark wood floor with random carpet runners that looked to be from India.

The subtle music of a coddled heartbeat, enhanced by the sultry fingers of saxophone and strings, and the low lighting of sconces and recessed lights, a mix of red, pink and a soft golden white, lent eroticism to the atmosphere.

The literal boot licking by a guy I saw made me sneer in disgust, as did the pet play, where a girl with cat ears was pissing in a litter box, while her ponytail was in the tight fist of a Dom in a designer suit. I bet Logan would love to make me a kitten sometime, forcing me to lap milk out of a bowl as he rubs my stomach and labia with his sock-covered foot. When I visualized
us
in such a scene, it did seem much hotter to me and I could see the allure of it, but I just don’t think pissing in a box would rock my socks, and I couldn’t see him requesting this regardless.
I mean, if we’re still a
THIS
...I hope so.
I just didn’t know how to get back to my wide-open trust of him.

My blood turned cold and my stomach wrenched when I spotted a girl in front of a cage getting viciously punched, slapped and kicked by another female. A crowd stood around doing nothing.

Fire sprouting in my eyes and gut, I stepped forward to help her, but Sabrina restrained me with a jerk on the arm. “Stop! You read the rule. You’ll get chucked out if you interfere.”

“I know, but she’s being brutalized. What the hell! Why isn’t anyone doing anything to stop it? Everyone’s just standing around gawking.”

“She’s okay. It’s what they like to do. It’s a type of edgy impact play.”

“Edgy? I’ll say. What the fuck!” I shook my head.

“See that dark-haired pile of muscles with his arms crossed, eyes, squinted?”

I nodded.

“That’s one of the Dungeon Masters. He’ll make sure things don’t go too far and that subs are respected. You can always find the DMs for the night by the red leather wrist bands with the dragons. You can report play if you think something is too out of hand, and the DM will check it out and make the call. Other pro Doms are also on the lookout for things that look too extreme or non-con. Never interfere yourself.”

“Okay. Thanks for explaining it. Ow. Well,
that’s
insane. I mean, I like
some
pain, but that looks like abuse to me.”

“It’s
not
. Though risky, it’s totally consensual, just like your own kinks. She can safeword at any time. The Domme is using carefully executed punches, slaps and foot strikes, like in martial arts. I wouldn’t want it, but hey, live and let live.”

“I’d go for slaps, but punches and kicks? Mmm yeah, no thanks.”

When she bowled over and screamed, I couldn’t watch anymore. To me, it still looked like some back-alley ambush with the victim unable to defend herself.

Thankfully, Sabrina pulled me by the arm across the club to take in other scenes

Catching sight of a small, scrawny man tied to a post getting his back sliced up with a long whip had me wincing and cringing through the splays of fingers over my eyes. “Fierce. How can he bleed like that on the whip?”

“They’re in a relationship,” Sabrina said. “When I’ve seen them here, they’re either doing this or sissy play where she paddles and humiliates him while he’s in a frilly dress.”

“Oh.” And
that
was just on the bottom floor, amidst zones of dirty dancing, toy play and people chatting and drinking coffee at intimate tables of no more than six people. Collared subs on leashes stood out the most because there were so many, and I sighed at the beauty in the display of ownership. I wondered if Logan were the collaring type.

As Sabrina led me upstairs, my pulse started to drum in my cunt.

A sculpted dark wood banister and railing went all the way up the wide curved, carpeted stairs and across the width of the club and down a twin staircase on the other side. There looked to be three big-crowd balcony scenes in progress and small hallways and doors with “private” rooms, most of which were sharing sado-masochism with any passersby because of the open doors.

The first balcony scene at the top of the stairs was a bare-bottom spanking in progress, with a humungous bearded Dom in leather sitting on a wooden chair and spanking a woman over his knees.

My face burned. The pleased crowd, cheering on the thrashing of the older lady’s ass by the Adonis, is what made it even more enticing.

He suddenly grabbed her hair, stood and shoved her cheek into the floor so that her red ass presented in full for the whacks of the wooden paddle in his hand.

“Oh my god, so hot,” Sabrina muttered in my ear.

“Tell me about it. Fuck.”

The self-ascribed quiet girl cupped her mouth and shouted with the crowd, “Harder, harder, harder, harder,” in beat with her pumped fist. Open and panty-free, which she said was her norm, Sabrina stuffed digits under her skirt and fingered herself right then and there. The peppery-sweetness of her arousal, mixed with blackberry lotion, tingled my nose.

She grabbed my arm with her other hand, nuzzling up closer to my ear, while she was still grinding herself to the brink with the other. “Mmm. Forget sting and pink, I like to get a black ass. Mistress C. doesn’t like to inflict that kind of damage herself, but she lets me seek it out. With bruises like that, I end up getting an endorphin high every time I sit down, for days after. That’s Master Michael. He used to be a semi-pro wrestler. God, he’s
so
strong and delivers the most excruciating pain and color with little effort, it drives me nuts. Check out his hands. They could whack a bowling ball into another state.” She pulled her fingers out of her cunt and sucked them clean. “He gets much more fierce with subs who are horny for his domination, which, hell yeah, I am. I’m ensuring he knows it. More fun for me.”

Master Michael helped the sub up and ushered her to the corner. He was speaking in her ear as he leaned her against his beefy torso and rubbed her bottom too, but that lovely action was almost entirely obscured by his thighs. He stepped back a couple steps and massaged cream into her well-paddled cheeks. Most of the crowd dissipated for other scenes of kink, but some people, like us, stayed to watch her aftercare because it was equally arousing. The contrast from him was delectable.

About five minutes later, after getting the lady some water and slices of fruit, Master Michael came back to the heart backed chair, stood with a hand on the scrolled back and said, “Who’s next?”

Sabrina raised her hand and wiggled her fingers.

“
She
is!” I shouted with glee. I thrust her forward, and she launched past three people and stumbled his direction and crashed to her knees before him.

She looked back at me with a sly grin of gratitude and dropped her bag on the floor, then bent and kissed his boots. When she straightened her back, he clutched her hair. “I would be most honored, Sir.”

She was such a good subbie for a Dominant that wasn’t even hers. I couldn’t wait to see her get spanked hard and rough like she liked and to see if Master Michael would get busy in her soaked slit. She was so juiced up just for him.

“Can’t get enough, huh?” Master Michael jerked her over his lap by that hot hair grab and lifted her skirt, baring her for all to see.

“No, Sir. You’re an amazing spanker.”

I scratched my itchy neck and licked my lips. I could feel the wide bulge of my eyes and the dampness between my legs.

“Were you touching yourself just now?”

Her only answer was a tremble.

“Well, if you aren’t going to tell me, I’ll just check for myself.” He jerked her arm up and sniffed her fingers. He dropped her hand again and left a hard smack on her ass. His hand was huge and made such a robust sound when it struck her flesh, especially as he delivered it slightly cupped. “You bad, bad girl. You’re about to learn a firm lesson in respect. Spread your legs.”

Ohmygod. My slick hollow jolted.

She slid apart for him, and I gawked with a big, delirious grin when he struck the bottom of her swollen bits and wormed into her prepped hole with two beefy fingers. He jerked upwards toward her asshole, stretching her, and she yowled in excitement. She slicked up his fingers. So hot. Irritatingly, I lost track of the rough thrust and dive because a beefy mitt on my arm spun me around.

“You should get whacked yourself for pushing her, sub.” A dude at least 250 pounds and 6'3" towered over me. Before I could protest, his hand gripped the base of my neck, and he bent me in half and lifted my skirt.

“Ow. Stop! Let me go! What the heck. Get the fuck off me!” I shrieked.

He launched his hand back and hit my cheeks,
hard
. Ohmygod, Logan would knock his teeth out and kick his balls up his ass if he were here. “You’re nothing but a lowly sub. You need to obey me and take your spanking like a good girl.” He crashed into my ass again and tugged at my underwear.

“No, I don’t! Fuck off, freak. Let me go!” Struggling to no avail, I stomped down on the middle of his foot with the 4" heel of the sexy boots I’ve been dying to wear and twisted his arm. When he bent to grab his sore foot, I seized a fistful of his hair and bashed his head into the wooden railing behind me. Little ole’ me made him scream like a girl.

“Hey, hey! What the hell!”
Thor
said, storming our direction. He was in black jeans, black boots, and a black mesh shirt, ripped in random spots, over a lavender spandex tee. Even though he was in pale purple and a couple inches shorter than Mittsy, it didn’t make him any less intimidating, especially with his upper bulk bulging against the stretchy fabric and the whip coiled at his side. Great. My first time here, and I was going to heaved for defending myself?

After shaking away his shock, my assailant rubbed his forehead and cursed me out. He viced my arms and I shrieked in pain.

But Thor wasn’t after
me
. He hacked down on grabber’s arms, breaking his crushing hold on me, and whipped him around. “All right. That’s your last shot, idiot. What’d I say about going after subs without getting an invite first?”