Red Ink (Mad Jackals Brotherhood MC Book 2) (3 page)

Chapter Five

A flicker of something runs across Ray’s face, something like worry, something like guilt. She reaches up and strokes his stubbly cheek, a questioning look in her eyes. But he just shakes his head, making her wonder if she’d imagined the sudden change in the temperature of the room.

A smile slowly spreads across his face, but it’s not the genuine one she’s only seen a few times; it’s more like a defense mechanism, like the wall that he puts up around himself at any sign that she’s getting too close.

“You don’t have to come or anything. I know it’s sort of last minute and you’re probably busy; maybe you have plans?” She rushes over her words, tripping over them as she goes and using expansive hand movements in an effort to distract Ray from just how much it means to her for him and Cassie to get along.

Abruptly his smile morphs into the one she loves and a low chuckle comes from his lips. “My only plan for the foreseeable future is to spend as much time with you as I can before it gets creepy.” He kisses the tip of her nose and Mia feels herself blush like a schoolgirl. “I’d love to meet your friend. If she’s important to you, she’s important to me, too.”

Mia looks up at him in wonder, trying not to make comparisons between him and Eli and failing miserably. Those words were never something she would have heard from Eli’s mouth. He’d never gotten along with her friends, never been that interested in getting to know them or spending any time with them. The feeling had been pretty much mutual. She knew her college buddies thought he was hot but that wasn’t enough to sustain any kind of a meaningful conversation. They’d made their own friendship groups and they rarely overlapped.

Her relationship with Eli very much existed in a bubble. When they were together it was just the two of them. Before, she’d thought that it was a sign of how right they were for each other, that they could spend all that time together, just the two of them. But now she wasn’t so sure. Had Eli been controlling? Had he been jealous of the time she spent with her friends?

“Hey.” Ray lifts her chin to look into her eyes. “Where’d you go?”

“Sorry.” She shakes her head, telling herself that she can’t be in bed with one man and thinking about another, even if it were just to highlight his shortcomings. “I was just thinking about how glad I am that you’re back and that I don’t want to lose you again.” It wasn’t quite a lie; after all, Mia was glad that he was back, more than glad. She finally feels like she’s been given back her most prized possession, one she didn’t think she’d ever hold in her hands again.

“Well, I’m not going anywhere so you don’t have to worry about that anymore. All right?” He gives her a pointed look, not letting up from his intense stare until she nods and blinks away the tears of happiness that are threatening to fall. She’d cried way too much over the last few days already. She didn’t want Ray to think she’d turned into a blubbering wreck during the years they’d been apart.

“What about the Jackals? What happens when they realize you’re not going back?” She watches as his jaw hardens and his blue eyes become like steel.

“I told you that you don’t need to worry about that. That’s for me to deal with.” He slips outside of her and rolls onto his back looking up at the ceiling, barely touching her.

She misses his heat instantly. “If we’re going to be together, we need to be able to share things, Ray. I can’t help you if you leave me in the dark. Let me in.” She rolls onto her side and reaches out to touch his shoulder but he flinches away from her like her touch burned. She feels an answering stab in her heart, at the sight of him pulling away from her, both emotionally and physically.

“I will, Mia.” He sounds frustrated, angry an as a defensive reflex Mia shuffles back slightly on the bed, getting away from him. He grabs hold of her wrist, stopping her and turns towards her, his voice changes, becoming warmer, softer as if he’s realized he shouldn’t have lost his temper with her. “I will. But you have to give me some time. I’ve been on my own for a long while. Having someone to take into account – it’s not something I’m used to. I haven’t had much practice.” He gives her a yearning look, willing her with his eyes to understand.

Mia smiles at him quickly, hating the fact that she knows so little about what he’s been through but hating any tension between them even more. “I understand. Take all the time you need. When you’re ready to talk, I’ll be ready to listen.”

Ray reaches out and strokes her cheekbone with his thumb. “Thank you.”

She leans into his touch, grateful for the truce between them, at least for now. But she doesn’t forget the angry way that he’d answered her, the way something violent had flashed in his eyes. He’d never looked at her that way before, never been aggressive or frightened her. But out of sheer intuition she knew that whatever was in his past, whatever he’d done, that fierceness she’d seen in his face was a part of it. It was something he carried within him now. And all she wanted to do was help him. All she wanted to do was to take away the pain, the anger, the fear she saw dancing in his eyes, that had given him the hard expression that had no place on his handsome face.

“You know I just want to help. Whatever has happened, it’s in the past now.” She leans over and kisses him softly, feeling him relax next to her. But when she pulls away from him, there’s a look in his eyes that tells her that she’s mistaken. Whatever has happened, it’s definitely not in the past, whatever it was, he hadn’t left it behind.

Chapter Six

As could only be expected, Cassie had loved Ray. She’d thought he was charming, funny and – to put it in her own words – hotter than Carnival in Rio. They’d hit it off right away in a way that Cassie never had with Eli. Mia had sat back and watched them joke and laugh, watched Ray ask questions about Cassie’s work and show a genuine interest in getting to know her friend better. Her heart warmed at seeing two of the people she cared about most in the world in the same place actually getting along. So this is what it’s supposed to be like, she’d thought to herself.

They’d had a great night, only marred by the creep who had tried to flirt with Mia when she’d gone to get another round of beers from the bar. Ray had overreacted when the guy had squared up to him, punching him in the face and breaking his nose. They were lucky the guy was a known troublemaker and that was the only reason Jacob hadn’t thrown them out.

Cassie had dragged Mia to the ladies’ room when she’d seen how pale her friend had turned at the sight of the other guy’s blood on Ray’s hand.

“He’s never been violent, Cass. I’ve never seen him like that. It sort of rattled me, I guess.” Mia concentrated on washing her hands in the ice-cold water, hoping the simple task would stop her from seeing the expression on Ray’s face just before he threw the punch.

“What are you talking about, girl? That was seriously hot! Most girls would kill for a guy to show that kind of interest in them!” Cassie had looked at Mia as if she were crazy to be worrying.

“But don’t you think it was a little…” Mia shook her head, trying to figure out what it was that she was trying to say, what it was that had caught her off guard. “I don’t know, a little much for a guy just talking to me?”

Cassie raised an eyebrow at her, looking at Mia as if she were beyond all hope. “Honey, listen to me and listen good. That man is head over heels for you, so he’s not afraid to fight to defend your honor – that’s the stuff that fairytales are made of. There aren’t a lot of guys around like that anymore. Stop trying to find something wrong with this. Just enjoy it.” Cassie looked speculatively at her friend, spinning her round to face the mirror above the row of basins. “Mia, you can’t keep waiting for the other show to drop. Look at yourself.” It’s an order that demanded to be obeyed and Mia obediently lifted her head to meet Cassie’s eyes in the mirror. “You’re happy, happier than I’ve seen you maybe ever.”

Mia blinked at the face staring back at her, her cheeks were flushed, her eyes bright. Despite the almost-fight she’d just witnessed, her lips couldn’t seem to help but quirk up into the beginnings of a smile.

“Let yourself be happy, Mia. You don’t have to think all love stories end badly. You are not your mother.” Cassie pointed towards Mia’s reflection as if to emphasize her point. “Now enough worrying. That man out there, he’s the real deal, Mia. Some people wait their whole lives for someone to look at them the way he looks at you. Some of us are still waiting!” She laughed humorlessly and Mia caught a flicker of sadness pass across Cassie’s doll-like features before it disappeared.

“Cass, you’ll find him. Any guy would be lucky to have you.” Mia rested a comforting hand on her friend’s shoulder but Cassie just waved her concern away.

“This isn’t about me, for once.” She smiled ruefully at Mia, admitting that she was well aware of how many times Mia had listened to stories of Cassie’s turbulent love life. “Now get out there and take that man home so you can do all the things you’ve been thinking about all night!”

Mia felt her cheeks heat at Cassie’s bluntness. “How…How do you know I’ve been thinking about anything?”

Cassie rolled her eyes, making no effort to hide how naïve she thought her friend was being. “Because I have two eyes in my head and you haven’t stopped looking at him like you’re about to jump him at the next available opportunity.”

***

Mia smiles as she thinks about Cassie’s words; her friend hadn’t been wrong.

Now, she holds onto Ray tightly as he expertly guides the bike towards her apartment. Her body hums, but it isn’t just the vibration of the bike’s powerful engine that is causing her reaction. Having Ray’s body pressed up against her is more than enough to set her alight.

She’s nervous, opening the door to her place, jingling the keys in her hands and watching him take a look around. She knows it’s not much, but it is home. Ray walks around, taking in the pictures hanging on the walls, the books lining her shelves, the photo wall that was like a visual memory bank of the last few years of her life. Too late, she sees him zero in on a photo of her and Eli standing in front of the Golden Gate Bridge smiling and holding onto each other. They look so happy; it is almost hard to remember now what that had been like. Now she can’t imagine feeling like that with anyone but Ray.

Her apartment is still full of reminders of Eli, reminders of their relationship and the time they’d spent together. “We don’t have to stay here. I just need to grab some clothes and then we can go if you like.” Her words come out in a rush and Ray seems to sense her concern, turning around to face her and giving her an appraising look.

“I know that you have a past, Mia. I don’t expect you to wipe out the life you’ve had since I’ve been gone.” He gestures to the photo wall behind him and Mia feels herself relax, letting out a breath she hadn’t even realized she was holding.

“You kind of have me at a disadvantage. You know all about my past. It’s plastered all over my walls. But I don’t know anything about yours, about the years apart, if there was anyone special.” She swallows the bitterness in her throat at the thought of Ray with another woman. But she wasn’t stupid enough to believe that a man like Ray would have lived a celibate life for the past eight years.

“No, there wasn’t anyone special.” Ray tilts his head at her, watching her reaction.

“And anyone…unspecial?” Mia tries to smile but finds it harder than she should.

“A few.”

Mia feels the bile rise at the idea of Ray kissing, sleeping with someone else. “How many?” She doesn’t know why she asks the question, but suddenly it seems immensely important.

“Jesus, Mia. Do you really want to know the answer to that question?” He crosses his arms over his broad chest, but his eyes are soft.

She considers his words and then blows out a deep breath. “No, I guess I really don’t.” She frowns, knowing avoidance isn’t the healthiest way to live, but she knows hearing a number from him would just conjure up a whole host of images she’d rather just not think about.

“Mia, sometimes sex is just sex. It’s a release, an itch that needs to be scratched.” Her head snaps up to meet his gaze as he voices the exact words she’d used in her head to describe her intimacy with Eli. “But sometimes it’s far more than that, it’s lovemaking. It doesn’t just satisfy your body; it satisfies your heart and your mind. Sometimes it’s perfect. That’s how it is when I’m with you and I’ve never had anything like that with anyone else, nothing even close.”

Mia feels inordinately pleased at his words and she feels herself stand up a little straighter, knowing she’s made him feel something that no one else has managed. She feels like she’s won the lottery. “I guess I don’t have a lot of experience with…this.” She motions at the space between the two of them.

“With what? Having someone else in your apartment?” Ray closes the distance between them and lifts her chin up, staring deep into her eyes and smiling, silently telling her he’s teasing her.

She shakes her head, trying to put her finger on how she’s feeling. “I guess it just seems strange to me now, seeing pictures of Eli and me and not being able to remember how I felt. It seems like such a long time ago now that we were together, but it was only this morning that…that we had the talk.” She stumbles at the thought of the hurt in Eli’s eyes when he’d asked her about her feelings for Ray. She feels Rays arms tighten around her as if he’s sensed the direction her thoughts have taken.

“Are you ready to tell me about what happened now?” His voice is low and calm, not a trace of the anger she’d seen in the bar. This was the Ray that she knew, the kind, sensitive man that took her breath away.

Mia shrugs, not really knowing where to start. “He was hurt, really hurt.” She swallows hard, closing her eyes against the look that Eli had given her. “He got a little angry when I told him that I was with you last night.”

She hears a growl come from deep in Ray’s throat and his eyes flash with the fire that always seems to be simmering away. “Did he touch you?”

Mia swallows hard, wondering whether to lie to him or not. But it’s an impossible task; she knows Ray will see right through whatever untruth she tells him. “He shook me a little.” Ray’s eyes flash and she holds onto his shirt tightly as if she thinks he might head over to Eli’s place to pick a fight with him. “But I’m fine, really.”

“Isn’t that what those women at your shelter do? They make excuses for the guys that hurt them, tell everyone that it’s nothing, that it’s just a scratch, that their man would never hurt them?” Ray’s jaw clenches and Mia reaches up to follow the stubbly line from his ear to his chin.

Ray had never been stupid, but his grasp of the irony of the situation catches her by surprise. “It’s not the same, Ray. It was a heat of the moment thing.”

Ray waits a beat and then nods once, his expression still hard, telling her he doesn’t buy it. “What else?” She feels his body go rigid against hers, like he’s steeling himself for whatever she’s about to tell him.

Mia draws in a deep breath, speaking her mind before she has the chance to wonder at the wisdom in it. “He said you’re dangerous, that you would hurt me, that your friends would hurt me.” She looks up at Ray’s face, surprised by the stricken expression that it takes a little work for him to paint over. “I figured he was just blowing off some steam, trying to scare me into staying away from you. Do you know what he was talking about?”

Ray’s gaze settles at a spot behind her, over her head and she watches as he takes a few breaths before answering her. “I have no idea what he’s talking about. He’s probably just bitter, angry at having lost you.” That’s what his mouth says, but his eyes say something different, they look skittish, like he hasn’t given her anywhere near the whole story or anything close to the truth.

“Do you think you’ll ever go see Eli? You guys were so close once.” Mia stops as Ray puts a finger over her lips, mimicking her gesture from earlier that day.

“I don’t want to talk about him anymore.” He leans down and feathers a kiss from her earlobe down her neck. “This morning you said there was something you wanted to tell me, something that had to wait until you were a free agent.” He whispers the words against her neck, pulling back to look at her as a blush spreads over her cheeks. “Tell me, Mia.”

It’s the pleading in his voice that gets her, the unashamed need that she knows well. Time to put your big girl pants on, Mia, she tells herself, forcing her eyes to meet Ray’s. “I cried so hard when you left.” She feels the tears welling up behind her eyes, but she doesn’t let them fall. Ray’s hold on her tightens, responding to her remembered hurt. “At first I thought I had done something wrong, that I’d done something to drive you away. I was so sad, Ray, sadder than I thought was possible. And I was so scared, scared that I was getting depressed, like…”

“Like your mom. Oh, Mia.” Ray gently guides her head to his chest and strokes her hair softly. She hears him cursing himself for putting her in that position.

She takes a deep breath, knowing that now that she’s started she has to tell it all. “But I didn’t. I got on with my life; I had to. I couldn’t do that to my dad. He had watched my mom spiral until, well you know the story.” She buries her head deeper into his chest, letting his constant strokes soothe her. “I got on with my life and then I found out that you’d died. At first I couldn’t believe it. I thought I would have known, that I would have felt it if you weren’t around anymore. It sounds crazy but I thought that what we had, that it meant we were still connected, no matter how far away you were, no matter how long it had been since I heard your voice, I could still feel you. You know?” She feels Ray nod mutely, giving her the courage to continue. “There were even times when I thought I’d seen you. I could have sworn you’d been on the green at college. It was a hot summer’s day and I was cramming for my final exams. I felt you, like the feeling you get when someone’s looking at you. I looked up and saw you, or what I thought was you. I figured I was hallucinating, dehydrated from the sun. I stood up and blinked a couple of times and you were gone. I convinced myself that it was just my imagination, wishing you were there.”