Red Zone: Boys of Fall (18 page)

“That’s my sister, Jane. You can tell she’s a girl on account she doesn’t have a dinky.”

Sadie tried not to grin, though she decided right then, there were definitely worse things Oakley could call his penis than Woody.

“Oh.”

Jane had been sleeping, but at that moment, her eyelids lifted and Sadie spotted the baby’s bright blue eyes. They stared unfocused for a brief second before finding Sadie’s face.

She expected the infant to cry. After all, Sadie was definitely not her mom. Instead, what she saw was no fear, just calm contentment. Jane seemed to realize she was in someone’s arms and safe, so she closed her eyes once more and went back to sleep.

Sadie wished her emotions matched Jane’s. Instead, they were going too far in the opposite direction. Her heart was racing, her throat closing, and she was starting to fear she would cry.

What the fuck was
that
about?

She was still reeling, shell-shocked, when Jenna opened the door, Russ in tow. “Oh, there you are. Thanks for watching the kids, Sadie.” Jenna reclaimed the baby and her little son, moving both kids and her chastened husband to the car. Once she had them all loaded up, Jenna started the car and drove away, completely oblivious to the wake she’d left behind.

Sadie sat on the bench for several minutes, her thoughts whirling, her emotions in absolute turmoil.

Babies trusted.

Sadie had spent a lifetime avoiding kids because she’d always known she wasn’t made to be a mother. Wasn’t cut out for it. After all, she’d had the shittiest role model in the history of motherhood, and there was no doubt the fruit hadn’t fallen far from the tree. Sadie possessed too many of her mother’s wild, uninhibited characteristics.

Babies trusted.

Sadie couldn’t shake that realization loose. How many times had Sadie looked at her mother with those same content eyes when she’d been little, so certain that her mom would always be there to take care of her? How could her mother have walked away from her so easily? Left her alone to fend for herself?

Sadie had trusted her. And her mother had shattered it in one selfish moment. Proven to her that the only way to survive, to live, was to trust no one.

All the reasons why she had avoided serious relationships crashed in on Sadie. She’d let things go too far, get too deep with Oakley and Joel. They looked at her with trust and they saw forever.

But what if she wasn’t that girl? What if she began to feel trapped and ran? God, how could she promise some concept she didn’t understand, offer a commitment that struck pure terror in her heart?

What if she turned out to be
exactly
like her mother?

Sadie was a few minutes late entering the restaurant. She’d opted to walk here, hoping the time outside in the cool fall air would help her regain her composure, gather her thoughts.

Find a way to break things off.

She fought against the butterflies in her stomach. They’d been there all day, and the constant fluttering—maybe churning was a better word—had gotten worse after the incident with Jenna…and Jane. Her stomach ached and there was no way she was going to be able to eat.

Oakley had issued this invitation for a date last night after they’d reduced her to a pile of sexually replete goo in the bar. If she’d had two functioning brain cells left, she would have said a big hell no.

Instead, she’d been fucked almost mindless. The only part of her brain that could function was the panic region and it had told her to get the fuck out of there. So she’d said a hasty yes to his request when they’d gotten to her place, tugged her torn blouse closed and left their truck in a hurry.

She had told them she would meet them here as the restaurant they’d chosen was only a few blocks from Pitchers. They had tried to fight her on that when they had called to confirm this morning, but she’d held firm. If they’d picked her up, it would have felt too much like a real date and she had been determined—at the time—to pretend this was just three friends sharing a meal out.

Now she knew it would be a lot less pleasant than that.

When they reached the table, Joel pulled out her chair for her. Sadie sat down and glanced around the fancy restaurant. There were a fair amount of diners—some familiar faces, others not. Joel pushed her seat in and Oakley reached for her hand across the table.

They were going to have to cease and desist on the touching. Her heart simply couldn’t take it. Neither man was good at keeping his hands to himself when it came to their time together, which was why she should have moved the location of this date. Put them somewhere behind closed doors.

She pulled her hand away from Oakley and gave him a warning look, hoping it would encourage him to give up. As always, Oakley failed to feel chastised. Instead, she felt the tip of his boot touch her calf beneath the table, stroking it suggestively.

“This is a nice place,” she said, grateful for the long white tablecloth that hung to the floor. It hid Oakley’s foot as he got more adventurous. She kicked at his leg, then tried to move her own feet away from his. It didn’t work. “Although it looks sort of pricey. We could have just gone to the Outback or something.”

Joel reached for her hand, but unlike Oakley, he didn’t relinquish it when she tried to pull away. He simply gripped it tighter and it was
he
who gave the warning look. His dominant streak was her fucking Kryptonite.

Joel winked at her. “It’s our first time out together in public. Feel like that calls for something bigger than cheese fries and a pint of Fosters.”

She wasn’t sure how to respond to the “out together” comment, so she didn’t. Instead, she picked up the menu, using it as an excuse to break free from Joel’s grip. He released her hand and started looking at his own menu.

“I’ve never eaten here. What’s good?” she asked.

Oakley shrugged. “We’ve never been here either. I asked Lorelie for the name of a romantic restaurant and she mentioned this place.”

Romantic? Sadie’s chest tightened. Did Lorelie ask who Oakley was taking out? Had he told her? Lorelie thought she was with Joel. If Oakley had said…

Sadie struggled to catch a deep breath. The air was getting thick and humid, the walls closing in on her.

“We felt like celebrating,” Oakley said.

She frowned. “Celebrating?”

Oakley glanced at Joel and grinned. “Joel’s mom caught us kissing in the barn and she didn’t keel over. Or kill him. Or me. We figured that was worth a big night out on the town.”

Sadie experienced two emotions at once—horror at the thought of Joel’s mother catching them in the act and relief that the event hadn’t severed Joel’s relationship with his mom. It also offered her a brief distraction from the fear that hadn’t abated since she’d looked into Jane’s eyes and known what she would have to do tonight.

“What did she say?” Sadie asked.

Joel didn’t appear as overjoyed by the event, though he didn’t look upset either. “She was surprised.”

“She freaked out,” Oakley said.

“We talked about it, and…” Joel shrugged. “I think she’s going to be okay with it. Eventually.”

Sadie smiled, though she wasn’t particularly happy about his story. Not that she wasn’t glad for Joel. He and Oakley would be facing some tough times ahead as the new nature of their relationship became public. She knew how much Joel cared about his mother, how much he worried about her. It would have devastated him to lose her approval, so she was glad for that.

However, once again, she felt like the outsider, the usurper. She needed to take a step away from them, so that they could move on with their lives, their futures. They had a shot at real happiness, but that couldn’t begin until she set them free to find it.

Joel put his menu down. “Of course, I’m going to throw her for another loop when I tell her the rest of it.”

“The rest of it?” Sadie asked.

“When I tell her about you,” he said.

She scowled. “Why would you tell her about me?”

Joel’s expression darkened. “Why wouldn’t I?”

“You tell her about all the women you fuck?” She tried to keep her voice calm, but there was no masking the fear creeping into it.

“No,” Joel said. “But I would like to tell her about the woman I’m in love with.”

“The woman
we’re
in love with,” Oakley added.

“I think we need to stop here.” Sadie didn’t like where this conversation was headed. Time to put them back on the right track.

Joel shook his head. “No. I think maybe it’s time to talk about what comes next, Sadie.”

“Nothing comes next.” The words fell from her, but once they’d been spoken, she let them hover, hang in the air. She couldn’t take them back, couldn’t waver in her resolve.

Oakley’s foot disappeared from her leg as he leaned back in his chair, his expression far too serious for her fun-loving friend. “What’s wrong with taking this to the next level, Sade? Let’s change the definition of this from fling to relationship. You gotta admit it feels right.”

No. Nothing had ever felt less right to her.

Her temper piqued. She hated being afraid. Being weak. They were pushing her, putting on too much pressure. “I’ve never lied to you about what I wanted from this. Never pretended it was going to be more.”

Oakley ran a frustrated hand through his hair. “It’s not like we’re asking you to marry us, Sadie.”

“Well, that’s a good thing. Since it’s illegal. Little crime called polygamy. You might want to look it up.”

Oakley didn’t take offense at her cutting tone, which only served to annoy her more. She was purposely being a bitch, hoping it would drive them away, but neither man seemed willing to leave.

Joel frowned. “We just want you to be our girlfriend, Sadie.”

She shook her head. “No.”

Both men waited for her to elaborate, but she remained silent. Her head was whirling over all the reasons why she wouldn’t, why she
couldn’t
date them, but she struggled to find one that they would believe.

“Why not?” Oakley was ready to push the envelope.

“People wouldn’t approve.” Yep. That was the lamest one she could have thrown at them. They knew her far too well.

Joel scoffed, just as she’d expected. “You don’t give a good goddamn what anyone thinks. Try again.”

His arrogant tone sent her into orbit. “Listen. We have fun between the sheets and you have a nice cock, but that doesn’t mean I want to wear your letter jacket and go steady. It just means you’re a decent fuck.”

Her words were deliberately cruel. Probably the meanest things she’d ever said, but they’d backed her against a wall. She’d never been the type to back away from a fight, so even as it ripped her heart to do so, she came out swinging.

If she had hurt him, Joel didn’t let on. His face was impassive as he studied hers. She was terrified at what he might see, so she set her features in stone and held his gaze despite her desire to curl up in a ball and sob her heart out. It gave her no pleasure to say these things, but she needed to make a clean break.

“What about me, Sadie? Do you like
me
?” Oakley’s softly worded question pierced her heart.

She didn’t have it in her to keep going, to remain so cold. “Please don’t make me say things that will hurt you.”

Oakley lifted one shoulder, though his face made her feel as if she’d just kicked a puppy. “All we want you to say is the truth.”

“That’s all I’ve ever said to you.”

Joel tilted his head. “Actually, now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure you’ve never said a single honest word to us. What are you so afraid of, Sadie?”

It was the worst thing he could have said to her. The Milligan family was notorious for its overweening sense of pride and determination to never be called a coward.

“Nothing,” she said as she rose from the table. Her hands shook with rage and agony. “I’m not afraid of anything.”

Joel didn’t bother to stand. The son of a bitch was pushing her buttons. “Then why are you running away from us? From this?”

Sadie leaned closer, her voice dangerously low. “There is no us, Joel. And there never will be. I’m not yours. This train just hit the last station.”

With that, she stormed from the restaurant. The steam from her red-hot anger got her back home in record time. And it was only after she closed the door behind her that her true emotions caught up to her.

She crumbled to the floor and cried like she’d never cried before.

Joel walked into Pitchers with Oakley at his side. It was a bold move, and probably not the smartest one. It had been five days, six hours and—he glanced at his watch—seventeen minutes since Sadie had ripped their hearts from their chests and stomped on them.

Since then, he and Oakley had done nothing but throw themselves into their work. Rising at the crack of dawn and doing the most backbreaking work on the ranch until sunset. Sheer physical exhaustion was the only thing saving them from feeling the emotional pain too keenly. They fell into bed each night and slept the sleep of the dead, too tired to suffer the agony of Sadie’s desertion.

Today, Coach had stepped in. Told them they were taking a day off. He’d insisted despite their protests. So they’d endured an eternal day at home, both of them relieved when Tucker called and invited them out for a drink with him, Jackson and Wade. Lorelie had hopped in the truck at the last minute, as the other men were bringing their significant others as well.

Joel had considered refusing the invitation at first, simply because he was certain Sadie wouldn’t like seeing them here. Oakley, in typical fashion, had convinced him Pitchers had been their watering hole for years and Sadie would have to get used to seeing them, as none of them had plans to leave small-town Quinn anytime soon. Or ever.

Joel hadn’t been fooled by the bravado in his friend’s words. Oakley hadn’t given up hope yet. Hadn’t accepted that Sadie wouldn’t change her mind about this.

Oakley had believed they could console each other sexually. And it had helped…a bit. They’d crawled into bed together and kissed, touched, caressed. It had been more comfort than passion and both of them had missed Sadie. Maybe somewhere down the road that would change, but for now, neither of them could see beyond their broken hearts.