Redeemed (7 page)

Again. All useless wishfulness.

Breathe
. Eyes wide, she stared at the ceiling.

Evan Harmon. He was a big guy. And he was a PI. Maybe he could keep her safe if she gave him a chance. Or maybe she’d drag him down her path of destruction, endangering his life by having met her.

Ashley squeezed her eyes shut against the pain she felt, for herself and for everyone around her. The stress of her burden seemed insurmountable in the dark.

And here she lay, for the next six hours at least, trying to keep anything from touching her skin and torturing her with the contact.

•●•

Ashley leaned back in the armchair she’d chosen in her parents’ basement den. She pulled her knees up to her chest in her usual stance.

She didn’t move any more than necessary, but she let her gaze follow Evan as he wandered around the room admiring her mother’s collection of porcelain angels.

It would have been comical and she would have laughed outright at his feigned interest, had she not been so terrified.

Brunch had been fine. Pleasant.
Okay, maybe passible is a better way to put it.

Her parents had made small talk and she’d learned a lot about Evan and his work, where he lived, how long he’d been there, what his hobbies were…

Now they’d been banished to the den to “get to know each other.”

Suddenly he turned and leaned against the far wall, crossing his legs at the ankles and his arms across his chest. He narrowed his gaze at her. “I’m sorry. I know you’re uncomfortable. I want you to know I didn’t plan this.”

In a way he had. He could have kept this secret to himself forever, taken it to the grave.

She realized that was unfair, but under the circumstances she wasn’t feeling generous.

She swallowed and licked her dry lips. “I don’t know what to say.”
All my thoughts are jumbled and scattered and…mean
.

Her body warred with her mind. Ever since he’d arrived she’d had the urge to wrap her arms around his middle, squeeze him tight, feel his warmth, relax. Instead, she’d managed to distance herself and stay on edge.

She couldn’t decide if she was teetering at the top of a mountain peak, trying desperately to avoid falling, or if she had actually already fallen and was in a free spin, flailing toward the ground.

Either way, she wished she could control her body’s reaction to this man. Her palms sweated, her face flushed, her nipples wouldn’t stop poking into her bra.

“I know I make you uncomfortable and that’s to be expected, I guess. You’ve been through hell. It seemed prudent for me to leave you alone for as long as possible, and perhaps it’s selfish of me to come forward even now, but it also would be unfair of me to keep our connection to myself and not give you the opportunity to tell me to take a hike.” He grinned.

“It’s not you. I’m…empty inside. Not whole. I don’t know when or if I’ll ever be normal again. It would be unfair of
me
to keep you on a leash tethered to a woman who may or may not ever be able to look you in the eye.”

“I’m only asking you to give me a chance. You don’t know me. Maybe I’m a good guy. Maybe I can rise to the challenge and be your everything.”

“Maybe I will destroy your faith and make your life a living hell.” She cringed.

“I doubt that. I’m tough.” He approached her slowly.

She shook, her arms and legs stiff and tight as he knelt in front of her. In this position, his face was lower than hers and he looked up at her with pleading eyes.

Shocking herself, she unleashed one arm from around her knees and grazed a finger across his cheekbone. So firm and masculine. Warm.

He lifted his own hand, encompassed her small one in his larger one, and tipped his head sideways to snuggle into her touch.

Her mouth went dry.
Holy mother of God
. She froze. Her eyes wouldn’t close to blink. She stared into his unwavering gaze and drank him in. As though the contact united them in some ancient way of wolves, she struggled to breathe. Her world tipped on its axis, making her dizzy. She released her grip around her knees and leaned forward until their faces were mere inches apart. Her body calmed and warmed and came alive all at the same time.

Her breath mingled with his, and she shifted her gaze to his lips. What would they feel like? With the hand he held against his cheek, she reached her thumb out to stroke across his lower lip. He gasped and she smiled inwardly at her ability to affect him. Thank God she wasn’t alone in this.

Ashley reached with her free hand to set it on his chest. The resistance of his rock-hard pecs made her shiver. She’d never intentionally touched Damon’s chest, but he didn’t work out. She’d always thought him soft and scrawny. Evan was everything Damon would never be.

Large, foreboding. Hard. A gentle giant. Kind.

Again she wished she had met him five years ago instead of yesterday. Her life would have been so normal, not filled with pain and suffering.

Evan reached tentatively with his free hand toward her face. He swiped his thumb across her cheek, catching a tear she hadn’t known had escaped from her eye. His sensitivity astounded her. Her body came alive under his touch. Her jeans felt tight and rubbed against her pussy, stifling the folds of her sex and squishing her clit under its hood.

Ashley squeezed her legs together, closed her eyes, and inhaled long and deep the scent of her mate. It felt so right.

And then he scooted closer and she opened her eyes to gaze at him once more. Lust darkened his chocolate eyes to a deeper shade, almost black.

She panicked. Fear flooding her system as she shuffled away from him with both feet, jerking her hands from his grip and his shirt, leaning back in the chair as though the air there might not be as thin.

She heaved a deep breath. “I can’t do this.” She knew her eyes were wide with fear.

Evan sat back on his heels and set his hands on his knees. “It’s okay,” he murmured, smiling at her.

“No. Really. It’s not.” She shook her head, gripped the arms of the chair so tight her fingers ached.

“I didn’t mean to pressure you.” He stood and took a step back. “I’m sorry.”

“No. I’m sorry. Sorry Fate dragged you into my nightmare. This isn’t fair to you. You should go. Find a woman who will make a better mate. Someone whole. Someone not damaged.” She fought the tears that welled up in the corners of her eyes.
Do not cry.

“Oh, baby, you are so much more than damaged and unwhole. You just need more time to work through years of abuse.” He rubbed his neck as he spoke, clearly uncomfortable.

She shook her head. “Please, just go. I’m not ready for this. It’s too overwhelming. I can’t face mating anyone. It’s not on my long list of things to do and that list is very long. Please. Let it be. I understand it’ll be hard, but the less time we spend together, the easier it will be to separate. Find another mate. Claim someone else and forget about me.” She ducked her head, letting her hair fall around her face, hoping it would hide her feelings, her emotions, her…self.

Evan stood and backed away. She didn’t look up, but she sensed his distance as it grew with each step. It hurt. Her chest felt like it was being crushed by weights. Each step he took increased the pressure.
You told him to go. Insisted
.

She breathed shallowly, not wanting to miss a moment of his presence. She’d never feel again in her life what she’d felt for the two minutes she’d stared into his eyes. His scent would linger in the room, but it would dissipate over time.

She needed to hold strong. She was no good for him. He was a nice man. He deserved better than what she could ever offer under the best of scenarios.

The door to the basement snicked shut as he disappeared at the top of the steps. She jumped in her seat, lifted her face. He was gone. She sucked in a lungful of oxygen and let the tears fall down her face. A sob escaped.

It was for the best. She knew that. But it still hurt. And the pain would linger for a long time.

T
wo months later…

“
Evan? Where are you? I’ve been trying to reach you forever.” Josh sounded rushed and frantic through the phone. Was something wrong with Ashley?

“I had to leave town to follow a lead.”

“Just like that? I thought you weren’t traveling anymore. You left without a word. You’ve been gone for weeks.”

“Listen, Josh. It was too hard. I couldn’t stay in St. Louis. It’s a big city, but not big enough for both Ashley and I to occupy if we’re to deny our mating.” He’d grown to agree with her, strengthening his resolve each day. She was right. It would be impossible to try and make something work between them. There were other fish in the sea. He’d find one…eventually.

Josh took a deep breath. “You don’t seriously believe you can walk away, do you?”

“She gave me no choice.”

“She’s confused,” Josh shouted. “And this isn’t helping. Now she’s worse.”

Evan sank down onto the mattress of his hotel room, his shoulders slumping. He didn’t need to hear all that.

“Please, come home. Come over and we can talk. She needs you, even if she won’t admit it.”

“I can’t right now. I’m in the middle of a case.” Never mind he was chasing his tail trying to locate Damon Parkfield. And never mind every lead he followed up on led to nowhere. Whatever that bastard was up to, Evan grew more impatient with each passing day.

If he couldn’t be with Ashley, the least he could do was spend his days seeking justice on her behalf.

“Why do I think there’s something you aren’t telling me?”

Evan squeezed his eyes shut.
Because there are lots of things I’m not telling you, and you’re a smart guy
.

“You’re hunting that bastard, aren’t you?”

“Who are you talking about? I’m always hunting a bastard.”

“Sure. But this time you’re chasing Ashley’s ex. Don’t fuck with me, man. Stop it and come home. The Head Council is working on it. You don’t need to make this your mission.”

Yeah. The elders at The Head Council were working on the case. It was in their hands, at least. But, they weren’t doing anything fast enough as far as Evan was concerned.

It didn’t matter if Ashley never spoke to Evan again. Even if she was never able to mate and hold a normal relationship, she still deserved vengeance. And Evan knew she wouldn’t rest easy until her ex was caught.

“Evan, I can hear your mind spinning. This is madness. You could get hurt. We don’t know what that asshole is capable of. What if you do find him? What are you going to do? Shoot him? How will that help Ashley? You’re useless to her from jail.”

To be honest, Evan didn’t know what he planned to do with Damon when he found him. He only knew his mind was on one track and that was locating the bastard. “I’m fine. Don’t worry about me. I have an appointment tomorrow and then I’ll come home for a few days. Maybe we can get together if I’m not too busy.” He had no intention of seeing Josh this week, but if saying so made the guy simmer down, he’d play along.

“I’m worried about you. Please be careful. Call me when you get here. If I don’t hear from you in two days, I’m heading to your house. Got it?”

“Yep. No problem.”
I won’t be there, but you go right ahead
.

“’Kay. Later. Stay safe.” Josh hung up. His last words hadn’t been enthusiastic. He was leery and rightfully so.

Josh did have a valid point though. What was Evan going to do when he found Damon? He couldn’t very well kill the guy and move on.

Evan hadn’t been entirely untruthful. He did have a meeting tomorrow. He had a six o’clock flight to Seattle to meet with the elders of the North American Council. He wanted to follow up with them on what they’d found and ensure they were indeed making progress.

The elders knew who Evan was. His work wasn’t a total secret. Hell, he’d done jobs for them in the past. The Council had hired him to find a few people over the years. And they were well aware of his involvement in finding Ashley in the first place eight months ago.

What they didn’t realize was that Evan’s life mission was tracking this bastard. And to be honest, Ashley wasn’t his only motivation. The jackass had some mysterious drug on him and Evan wanted it found. He doubted the stupid fucker was making his own drugs, which meant he was acquiring the substance from someone else. Was the supplier a shifter?