Redeeming Rafe (24 page)

He brushed her temple with his lips. “I know some little girls who want a pony ride. How about it? Want to go down to the stable with me?”

“Yes. I want to go with you.”

Rafe had the feeling that would have been the answer no matter where he’d asked her to go.

It wasn’t even noon yet, and Abby had already taken the world’s longest ride on the Rip Your Heart Out Train.

First there were the parents and her anger at Gregory boiling up and spewing forth like Vesuvius hot on the trail of Pompeii. That should have been a full-time trip on anybody’s itinerary. But no. She’d had a couple more spaces on her passport, begging for a stamp.

So, second, Rafe loved her. That was good. And bad because …

Third, she might not get to keep him, since she didn’t know how to calm the volcano short of tossing in a virgin and hoping for the best.

Joy to the world.

The ride in the golf cart from the house to the stable might have been awkward if Rafe had been a different kind of man. But he’d said his piece, and he was done. Abby admired that about him. He wouldn’t back down, but he wouldn’t pout or belabor the subject, either.

But she also had the distinct impression that he wouldn’t touch her in a significant way unless this was resolved.

“Snow Pony! Snow Pony!” the girls cried in unison as soon as Rafe pulled up to the paddock.

“That’s right!” He jumped out of the golf cart and grabbed a twin under each arm. “But you know what has to happen first. You have to put on your safety vests and helmets, and I have to saddle Snow Pony.” He grinned at Abby. “Unless Mama wants to saddle Snow Pony.”

He was trying to be normal, trying to make this easy for her, but there was no winning. Calling her Mama to the girls cut through her like a razorblade, but to not have done so would have been worse. No winning.

“Don’t think I couldn’t,” she said. “I can do what I have to.” And she hoped that was true.

For the next few minutes, Rafe and Abby put all their energy into distracting the excited girls while they made preparations for their rides.

“Okay.” Rafe picked up Alice. “Bella, you went first last time. It’s Alice’s turn to be first.” He looked toward Abby. “Are you ready?”

That’s when it struck them that they were alone here. There had only been a few riding sessions, but another adult had always been around—Sammy, Dirk, or Gabe. Rafe had always led Snowball while Abby walked alongside and held the child’s leg, leaving the other adult to watch the other children.

“Where is everybody?” Rafe asked.

“There’s a rehearsal dinner tonight, so I guess Sammy’s busy and Dirk has the kids, because Gwen’s cooking. Has Gabe left for a road game?”

“No. They play on Monday night this week at home. I think he said something about meetings and a short practice this morning.”

“What are we going to do?” Abby asked. “We can’t just leave the one who isn’t riding to her own devices. Bella would be in Montana before we turned around.” And they both knew taking Bella into the paddock before it was her turn to ride was out of the question. She wouldn’t understand and containing her would be impossible.

He looked at the girls and in the direction of the house, though it wasn’t in sight.

“Do you want me to take the golf cart and see if I can find someone?” Abby asked.

Rafe hesitated and sighed. “No. Everybody’s busy. Snowball is docile and he knows the route. I can stand to the side and lead and hold at the same time. It’ll be fine.”

And Abby never doubted it. She’d even been pleased that he was beginning to trust himself more and more with his children.

And it was fine for three laps. He hung on to the lead line with one hand and to Alice’s leg with the other, all the while gently reminding her to hold on when she forgot and praising her when she obeyed.

And when they started the fourth lap, nothing changed that Abby could tell—yet it happened. Alice pitched forward, and Rafe reached, but Alice tumbled down and under Snowball’s hooves.

Abby grabbed Bella and began to run.
Control the pony, Rafe!
she begged silently.
Don’t drop the lead line!

But he did.

• • •

On the examination table in the emergency room, Alice screamed and reached for Rafe.

He’d done this to her, and yet she still reached for him.

“Daddy, Daddy,” she wailed. “Take me!”

Take her?
Ha! If he got her out of here alive, he’d never touch her again.

“Rafe,” Dr. Ellery said. “Why don’t you step over here and take her on your lap?”

Unthinkable. But Dr. Ellery didn’t seem to be in any mood to take no for an answer. He was the pediatrician to the stars, who Jackson had summoned from Nashville.

When Rafe held his arms out to her, Alice climbed him like a spider on the wall.

“Is she in pain?” Rafe asked.

The doctor shook his head. “More scared than anything else.” He continued to poke and prod at her. “It would help her if you could calm down.”

Calm down. Yeah.

He’d been so stupid, thinking he could handle it—and not just the pony ride. The whole damned thing—the kids, a business with his brothers, Abby …

She stood quietly against the wall ready to do what she could—which was nothing.

“Mrs. Whitman?” the doctor said. “You were there. What happened exactly?” His nonchalant tone didn’t fool Rafe. He’d already been told what happened. The doctor was asking again to determine if Children’s Services ought to be called. And they should. They should come and get these kids before he got them killed, like Camille.

Exactly like Camille.
He’d been talking to Alice, and suddenly, she’d laughed and lunged at him because she wanted him to catch her—exactly like Camille. And exactly like Camille, he’d missed.

“Alice fell from the pony,” Abby said. “Rafe was leading at a slow pace and holding on to her, but it happens.”

It happens.
That’s for sure. Twice now. But there wouldn’t be a third time; he’d make sure of that.

“Rafe immediately dropped the reins, grabbed Alice, and rolled away from the pony.”

“I shouldn’t have dropped the reins,” Rafe said. “I should have gotten the pony away from her.”

The doctor nodded, it seemed, in a satisfied way. “I don’t know.” He took out his penlight and put a hand on Alice’s head. “I’m going to look in your eyes, sweetheart,” he said to Alice in a gentle voice before shifting back to doctor voice. “I ride. My kids ride. There’s no hard and fast rule about what to do in that situation. Looks like you made the best decision you could. And I saw that she had all the right protective gear.”

Best decision?
There had been
no
decision; he’d just dropped the rope and dived onto the ground. It was a wonder they hadn’t both been kicked in the head.

“Do we need to transport her to Children’s Hospital?” Rafe asked. Beauford General was adequate, but very small.

Dr. Ellery put his penlight away. “I don’t see that. We’re going to get some x-rays and a blood count to make sure there aren’t any fractures or internal injuries, but that’s a precaution. I’d bet the farm that all we’ve got going on here is a little bruising.”

“What about a head injury?” Rafe asked. There was no way he was getting off this easy.

The doctor shook his head. “She was wearing a helmet. She’s alert and coherent. Her pupil response is normal.”

Abby laid a hand on Rafe’s arm. “Oh, Rafe. That’s wonderful.”

Wonderful?
On what plane of hell?

“We’re going to get a little blood,” Dr. Ellery said, “and then you’re going to want to go with her to x-ray.” Dr. Ellery was looking at him.

No. He did not want to do that. He never wanted to go anywhere with Alice or Bella again. He wasn’t fit. But he had to make this one last trip. At least there would be medical personnel around to protect her from him.

“We’ve got a waiting room full of people,” Abby said. “I’ll give them the good news.”

Don’t leave her with me! And we don’t have good news yet,
Rafe wanted to scream.

But she didn’t hear what he thought.

The doctor offered his hand. “Don’t be too hard on yourself, Rafe,” he said. “You did everything right, and kids bounce better than you think they’re going to.”

Not Camille. She hadn’t bounced. And Gabe hadn’t caught her because she’d been trying to get to him. No child could ever be allowed to try to get to him again.

“And get her back on that pony,” the doctor said.

Yeah. Like that was going to happen.

Heather Daniels breezed into the room, wearing scrubs printed with jack-o’-lanterns. Only she probably wasn’t Daniels anymore. He’d gone to high school with her.

“Hello, Rafe,” she said cheerily. “You want to bring this little angel and follow me?” She patted Alice’s cheek. “Did you take a little spill, sweetie?”

Alice laughed and pointed to Heather’s scrubs. “Uncle Jack-o!”

And everyone laughed—everyone except Rafe.

Nothing would ever be funny again.

But if he could just get through this and get back to Beauford Bend, everything would be fine.

Because he was leaving—this time for good.

Alice fell asleep in her car seat on the way back to Beauford Bend.

“Should we let her sleep?” Rafe asked, panicked.

“Yes, Rafe. The doctor said to carry on as if nothing had happened. They nap at this time every day. In fact, when I called Emory to say we were all clear and on our way home, she said she had just put Bella down.”

He looked at her curiously. “Abby, do you think Emory likes Bella and Alice?”

She was taken aback. “Of course she does. Jackson, Gabe, and Neyland, too. Everyone at Beauford Bend loves the girls.”

He nodded with some satisfaction, but he didn’t say anything else.

It was just as well. They’d said enough today, possibly too much. At least she had.

Rafe carried Alice up the stairs, but instead of taking her into the nursery, he handed her to Abby outside the Dutch door. Odd, but not the oddest thing that had happened today.

Abby settled Alice in her crib and considered calling her mother to warn her this was Phillip’s naptime, but discarded the idea. They’d find out on their own. She’d call to check on Phillip later. Right now she wanted to find Rafe.

It might not be the best time to try to talk to him, but he was hurting, and maybe they could sit quietly together.

But when she entered the bedroom, Rafe was packing.

“What is this?” Abby asked.

Maybe he was packing up to move back down the hall. Considering the alternative, that’s what she hoped. But he was fresh from the shower and dressed in jeans and a hoodie—comfortable travel clothes for a cool, fall night.

“Isn’t it obvious?” He stuffed a toiletry bag into the duffle. “I’m getting the hell out of here while everyone’s still alive.”

“This is about Camille, isn’t it?”

“No, Abby. It’s too late for Camille. This is about me and how I can’t be trusted. And it’s about my girls, your boy, and you.”

“If it’s about us, you won’t go. You just today told me that you love me. And I promise you I’ll work on my anger so we can build a life together with our children.” She still wasn’t sure how, but if she could survive this perfect storm of a day, she could do that.

“I had no right to ask that of you. I’m not fit to build a life with anyone.”

Abby’s heart broke for him.

“Okay. Take me out of the equation. You cannot leave those girls. You love them.”

He nodded. “Yeah. And you saw what it did to Alice.”

“You didn’t do anything to Alice. It was an accident.”

“Dirk tried to tell me they were too young.”

“But in the end, he let Carter ride. Rafe, you took every precaution.”

“Not every. You offered to go to the house and get another adult. Or we could have just called the whole thing off. But no. I was so sure of myself. And not disappointing them was more important to me than making sure they were safe.”

“She is safe. No parents want to disappoint their children.”

“But they do if it’s for the child’s own good. And she might be safe now, but maybe not the next time. I can’t be a parent. I can’t be a lover. I can’t be anything.”

“I think you’ve been doing all those things quite effectively. Kids fall off horses. Parents make mistakes. Didn’t I leave the nursery door ajar a few nights ago? Phillip and Bella were out and in the room before I could catch them. They could have easily fallen down the stairs.”

“But they didn’t, did they?”

She hadn’t believed it until now, but this was really happening. He was leaving. She had to fight to find her breath so she could speak.

“Rafe. Don’t do this. Don’t leave them. Don’t leave
me
.”
Especially me
. God forgive her for that, for not worrying first about the girls’ loss. Just the idea of losing Rafe and what they had together left her broken and flat. Even now, she could feel all the color and life leeching away from her being. Pretty soon she’d be no more than a ghost. No one would be able to see her at all.

“I have to. And it’s for your own good.” He unplugged his phone charger from the wall, put it in his bag, and zipped it closed.

“That’s not good for any of us. And you don’t have to.”

“Okay. I don’t. I want to. I made a mistake. I’ve got a few good years left in me, and I intend to spend them on the back of a bull.”

She knew he was lying, and she knew why. Still, it hurt.

“What about me?” She hated herself for asking the most selfish question ever spoken.

“Stay. Go. I can get another nanny. Do what you want. But this cowboy’s riding away.”

And he picked up his bag and walked out the door.

Rafe was on the road, gassed up, a cup of coffee in the cup holder, and his phone turned off, before he realized he had nowhere to go.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, he must have supposed he would go find a bull to ride, but that was so impossible it was laughable. Even if Friday afternoon hadn’t been a little late to decide to go rodeoing, the World Finals had been going on since Wednesday. What did he think he was going to do? Show up in Vegas and say, “The reigning champ is here ready to cowboy up! Aren’t you lucky?” No. Even if that were allowed, the bluster his retirement announcement had caused in the rodeo world would have prevented it.