Redemption (12 page)

Ashley was quiet a moment. “I’m not sure.” She sighed and sounded as frustrated as he was. “I remember a time long ago when everything seemed good and right with Kari, when the five of us Baxter kids were close, and never in a million years would any of us have dreamed this might happen to our sister. You were always there for her back then, Ryan.”

He squeezed his eyes shut and massaged the bridge of his nose. Those days were so real that he could reach back over his shoulder and touch them. “Yeah . . . I remember.”

“I guess I always thought you’d be there. And now . . .”

“What can I do?” Ryan closed his eyes again. “She’s in love with her husband. You said so yourself.”

Ashley seemed to consider that for a moment. “You know what I think, Ryan?”

The ache in his heart was so great that he literally had to force himself to stay seated, stop himself from bolting out the door and driving to Kari before common sense got the better of him. “What?”

“No matter what she says . . . I think she’s still in love with you.”

Chapter Nine

A pregnancy test was the only real way to know.

Kari had been late before, but not this late. And besides, she could hardly deny the fact that she was almost constantly nauseous. At first it had been easy to blame the missed periods on her busy schedule. And feeling sick was certainly understandable in light of the changes in the past three weeks.

But very little could account for her being this late and this sick.

In the weeks following Tim’s departure, she had gradually moved from total paralysis into a kind of functional routine that had very little to do with the terrible reality of his absence. Though she desperately wanted to save her marriage, she felt frozen, unable to take any action at all—especially when every thought about Tim and his affair threatened to dissolve her into tears.

Kari’s photo shoot schedule was light for the next few months, nothing that couldn’t be handled by the other models at the agency. She had called her agent and asked for time off. But that left her with nothing to fill her days, and she hated being at home by herself, so she’d set up temporary quarters in her parents’ guest room—the very room that used to be hers when she was growing up. At least at her parents’ house she had company and distractions. It was better than sitting in her own empty house listening to the deafening silence shout that her husband didn’t live there anymore.

The best distraction at her parents’ house was the cleaning. Elizabeth Baxter had always prided herself on keeping a neat, organized home, but that was before she started baby-sitting Cole three days a week. Now there were closets that needed cleaning, cupboards that hadn’t been gone through in years. So Kari had spent most of her daytime hours doing housework, cleaning the garage, and, when the nausea grew too strong, taking naps.

As far as she could tell, there were enough projects around here to keep her busy for weeks—or at least until she knew what to do next. And by Saturday of the third week since Tim had moved out, Kari knew exactly what she had to do.

Even if the results terrified her.

Just before lunch she found her mother and little Cole in the kitchen. “I’m going out for a while.” She grabbed her keys and smiled.
Please, God, don’t let her be curious. Not today
.

Elizabeth looked up from the table where she and Cole were coloring pictures. “Can you pick up a gallon of milk?”

Kari felt a warm rush of relief. She was terrified enough about the possible results of the test without having to tell her mother. That could come later, if the test turned out to be . . . she couldn’t bear the thought. “Sure. Anything else?”

Her mother thought for a moment. “Actually, yes. Two loaves of bread and some mustard. Thanks, honey.” She held Kari’s gaze a moment longer. “Any word?”

For a brief instant Kari thought her mother was talking about the pregnancy test. She could feel the color drain from her face. “About . . . ?”

Her mother knit her brows and lowered her voice, as if Cole might somehow understand what they were talking about. “From Tim. Has he called?”

“Mom . . .”

“I know, I know.” Her hand came up in a gesture that told Kari she didn’t need to belabor the point.

Kari had begged her parents that first day not to ask about Tim. “I’ll keep you up on what’s happening,” she’d told them through her tears. “If he calls, if we make any progress at all, I’ll tell you. But otherwise, don’t ask. Please.”

“I’m sorry.” Her mother stood and drew her into a hug. “Your dad and I are praying. It’s just . . . I don’t know. What’s he doing, Kari? He’s a married man. I keep asking myself—what could be more important than loving my little girl?”

The obvious answer hung in the air between them like a newly sharpened sword. Her mother’s eyes misted over, and she pulled Kari close once more. “Oh, honey, that was a dumb thing to say.”

“It’s okay.” Any other day Kari might have broken down in her mother’s arms and silently cried out yet again for God to change Tim’s heart. But now that she’d made up her mind to find out whether she was pregnant, she wanted desperately to get to the store. “God’s going to get us back together somehow. I really believe that. Just keep praying, Mom.”

Her mother nodded, too choked up to speak. “Always.”

With the precision of one who’d spent most of her life in the Bloomington area, Kari navigated her way up the two-lane highway lined with rolling hills and autumn leaves and onto the busy streets of the city proper. At the store she grabbed the first pregnancy test she could find and hid it in her cart beneath the bread. She saw an older couple from church and made small talk for a few minutes but was relieved to see no one else she knew.

What would I say if I ran into Ryan Taylor?
The thought took her by surprise, and Kari had no answer for herself except for one: She wasn’t ready to see him again. And to see him while she was purchasing a pregnancy test, of all things, would be utterly unbearable.

Thirty minutes later she pulled up back at her parents’ house and hid the test in her coat pocket. Cole would be asleep by now, so she opened the door quietly.

Once inside she set the groceries on the counter and looked at her mother. Immediately Kari knew something was wrong. “Mom?”

Her mother was sitting at the kitchen table, her Bible open, her face ashen. “Come sit down, Kari. I have to talk to you.”

A tremor made its way through Kari’s veins and into her heart. Whatever it was, she couldn’t take it. That much was sure. She crossed the kitchen and sat down across from her mother. “What?”

Her mother met her desperate gaze. “Tim called.”

Kari could feel her eyes fly open, her jaw drop. They’d been talking about him less than an hour ago, and then he’d called? That had to be good, didn’t it? Maybe he’d come to his senses. She felt the slightest surge of hope. “What did he say?”

“He . . .” Her mother shook her head, and her eyes fell.

“Mother, what? Tell me what he said.” It couldn’t be worse, could it? Nothing could be worse than what he’d already told her.

Finally her mother looked up, and Kari could see how much she didn’t want to answer. “He was drunk, Kari. His speech was so slurred that I could barely understand him.”

Kari clutched her forehead as her mind searched desperately for explanations. “Maybe . . . maybe he was tired.” She stood and took a few steps to one side and then the other. “He’s never had a drink in his life.”

She’d heard the stories about Uncle Frank and how Tim never wanted to find out if deep inside him lived an alcoholic like his mother’s brother. He would never have started drinking, would he? And if he had . . . tears stung at Kari’s eyes.

“It can’t be true.” Her hands began to shake. When would the nightmare end?

Her mother took hold of Kari’s fingers. “He was drunk.” Her tone was calmer and completely convincing. “I’m sure of it.”

Kari broke free of her mother’s grip, rested her hands on the table, and hung her head. After a while she looked up, and for a long moment she stared at her mother, searching her face for answers. “What did he say?”

Her mother tenderly placed a hand over Kari’s. “You won’t like it.”

Why, Lord?
Kari blinked back fresh tears. “It’s okay, Mom. Tell me.”

“Oh, honey . . . he said he still wants a divorce. He told me to tell you he’s getting a lawyer.”

Kari threw her hands up and moved into the living room. Her mother came up behind her, gently taking hold of Kari’s shoulders.

“My whole life’s a mess.”

Her mother leaned her cheek against the back of Kari’s head. “He’s serious, isn’t he? About the divorce?”

Kari stared out the window at the tree-lined driveway and the grassy fields where she’d played as a child. Back when she’d known for sure she’d grow up to marry Ryan Taylor. Back when she—

“I won’t give him one. He’s crazy and . . . and he’s in a bad place.” She turned and stared at her mother, silently pleading for her to understand. “He’ll come around one day.” Kari gulped, feeling for the pregnancy test in her pocket. “Besides . . .”

Her mother’s eyes softened, and she ran her fingers along Kari’s cheek. As if she knew what her daughter was going to say, she locked eyes with Kari and spoke in a voice that was almost too quiet to hear. “Besides, what?”

There was no point in hiding it. If she was pregnant, it couldn’t possibly come as a shock. After all, Tim was her husband, and ten weeks earlier Kari had known nothing of his unfaithfulness. She drew a steadying breath, her gaze still connected to her mother’s. “I might be pregnant.”

Her mother didn’t move or cry out, but something in her eyes looked as if it had died. “I . . . I thought you might be.”

Kari blew a wisp of bangs off her forehead and stared back out the window again. “I bought the test today.” She made a noise that was part laugh. “If I am pregnant, I’ll need you and Dad and . . . everyone else.” She blinked, willing the tears not to come again, but they were too close to the surface to be held back. “I need you, Mom,” she whimpered as she felt her mother’s arms surround her.

The landscape of Kari’s mind was littered with questions she couldn’t answer. What if the test was positive? What if Tim became an alcoholic like his uncle? What if he found a way to marry the student he was seeing? And most of all, where was God in all this?

Gradually a dim light dawned in Kari’s heart, and she remembered the holy reassurance she’d felt the other day, the message from the radio.

Do not be afraid . . . I will be with you. I will defend you.

Kari sniffled and drew back, studying her mother, praying she would understand. “Mom . . . you get it, don’t you? Why I want my marriage to work?”

Her mother smoothed her hand over Kari’s hair. “Shhh, baby . . . it’s okay.” Her mother was crying now too. “Of course I get it. You want to do things God’s way, and God will honor that. We’d love nothing more than to see your marriage work, Kari. You have our support, no matter what happens.”

Kari managed the briefest smile because she knew it was true. No matter what others might say or feel about Kari’s decisions, her parents would stand by her.

It was what the Baxter family was all about.

The directions on the pregnancy test kit suggested that an early-morning test would yield the best results. So she had set the kit aside until morning.

She was in the backseat of her parents’ car and halfway to church before she realized she hadn’t taken the test.

It wasn’t merely a matter of forgetting, obviously. There was something final about taking the test, something Kari wasn’t ready to face.

The view out of the car window provided a well-needed distraction for the fears jockeying for position in her soul. She stared at the familiar farms and billboards while her parents chatted in the front seat.

She had mixed feelings about going to church today. It would be her first time since Tim moved out. A few days after he left, Kari had called the church and explained that she wouldn’t be able to teach Sunday school or sing in the choir for some time. When the church secretary asked if anything was wrong, Kari had said only that something had come up.

A part of her desperately wanted anonymity in this, her greatest season of grief and pain. But the desire to be surrounded by people who loved her and would pray for her was greater than her need for solitude. Besides, she’d sat around her parents’ house acting paralyzed long enough. It was time to seek help, time to talk to Pastor Mark and arrange for counseling.

So she had decided to go this morning.

There was an expectant silence in the car, and Kari thought back to what she’d overheard her brother say in the kitchen earlier this morning. Kari had been coming down the stairs, anxious for crackers or something to stave off the constant nausea, when her brother’s voice stopped her.

“What is it about my sisters?” The ring of indignation in Luke’s voice surprised her. She and Luke had always shared easy laughter and mutual admiration, a bond that had never been threatened over the years. But this morning he sounded more fed up than fun loving. It was a side of her brother Kari hadn’t seen before.