Redemption: (Dark Desires Book 3) (4 page)

“Baby girl,” Macy said as she
went over to the other side of the bed and sat on its edge facing Valerie.

“I couldn’t let you do this
anymore,” Natasha said climbing into bed behind her.

“We love you and will always be
here for you, no matter what,” Toni added.

Valerie couldn't say that she was
surprised that they were all here. They were thick as thieves, and if one of
them was in trouble, the others took the burden upon themselves until
everything was resolved. "I don’t know what to say. I was kidnapped, but I
wasn't mistreated. Keyaan would come to visit me sometimes, but I never
encouraged any kind of friendliness. Should I have been hostile towards him?
Did my cordial behaviour give him the wrong message? I’ve been replaying the
interactions we had over and over again and if I had stayed calm, if I hadn’t
lost touch with reality that day, then this wouldn’t have happened.”

“There are so many variables in
what you've just said, Val. You can't blame yourself for someone else's
actions. If his intention was to hurt you then there is nothing you could have
done to stop it," said Macy.

“You don’t understand,” her
voice broke. “I-I let him put his hands on me. I should have known when he
started bathing me that I had let him cross the line, but my mind wasn’t there
anymore. I didn’t care anymore. And when he was inside me… it’s like my mind
and body belonged to two different people. I had an orgasm. Are you going to
tell me that I was raped? It’s an insult to all the women in the world who have
actually been molested and not enjoyed it.”

Macy had heard about cases of
sexual arousal during a sexual assault. Unfortunately, she hadn't studied
further on the topic other than the few lines that were offered in the
textbook.

"It's physiological,"
Toni said in reply. "You're sexual organs don't have a brain. They only
respond to stimulation. In role play, if you are tied up and whipped, your body
still feels pain even when you give your consent. In your case, it works in the
reverse. Your mind said no even if your body said yes.”

“I don’t know whether to feel
better or worse," Valerie replied wiping away the snot that had run down
her nose with her shirt sleeve.

“You need to stop blaming
yourself. The fact remains that you said no, and he forced himself on you,”
Natasha stated emphatically.

Toni took a seat in the chair
closest to the balcony. “I met up with a guy for a blind date towards the
beginning of last year. He was sweet and charming. One thing led to another,
and we went home together. We had sex and afterwards I asked him to leave, but
he refused. He forced himself on me a second time. I never opened a case
against him because it was his word against mine. I had initially given consent
so…” she shrugged off the rest of the sentence.

Natasha turned onto her back
and stared at the ceiling. “I've never told anyone about this. In my last year
of high school, I went to a house party and blacked out. I wasn't drunk. That
night I only had one drink and the next morning I woke up in a stranger's bed.
I didn't know who he was, and I couldn't remember going home with him. I was
ashamed of how irresponsible I had been, even after hearing over and over again
never to leave your drink unattended.”

Macy looked at all three of her
friends wondering how she had missed the signs. Natasha never drank around
strangers. Toni joined a sex club and refused to ever be a sub and now Val…
"I know you guys think that I'm too uptight, but there is a reason for
that. My first boyfriend was a few years older than I was. We met in Ghana
during his business trip. He treated me very well. He took care of me and gave
me everything I ever wanted. He eventually asked me to move with him to
Italy... we were happy for a while. 

"Things started going
downhill when I wanted to do things for myself, and the relationship became
abusive. I was with him for two years before I found the courage to get out.
That's why I chose to study psych and focus mainly on abusive relationships. I
need to understand why women remain trapped in that cycle so I can better
understand myself. ”

Valerie listened to each of her
friends tell the tales of their personal hells. She couldn’t believe that they
were so normal. How did they manage to overcome their trauma? One thing was
clear - she wasn’t as alone as she had initially thought she was.

Vlad stood on the other side of
the door listening in. He wasn't a fan of having anyone in his home and less so
of having anyone near Valerie. The only reason he'd let them in was in the
hopes that they could get through to her, a feat he had failed to accomplish.
Over and above stalking her every move Vlad didn't know what to say to her
without working himself into a murderous rage. Listening to the young women
speak about being violated in a similar way to his angel sparked that rage
anew. He wished he hadn’t let Keyaan die so quickly. He should have died a slow
and painful death for what he had done.

Vlad had always seen Valerie as
an angel, someone who was kind. A woman he didn't deserve to be with. When they
first met, he had told her that she would not always have someone to protect
her. The context of that situation was about everyday life and altercations
with people you were bound to run into who you may not get along with.

After her kidnapping, that
message had changed.  He was not untouchable, and neither was she – Keyaan
had proven that. He couldn’t be around her every second of every day. He was
only a man, and even he succumbed to sleep. This internal reflection humbled
him. He needed to prepare her for the worst case scenario. He needed to train
her to fight.

Every morning he got up to
exercise. It served to keep him fit and his reflexes sharp. Lately, it was a
way to work off the aggression that slowly brewed inside him. He may not be
living on the streets anymore or have to deal with gang-related disputes, but
that did not mean he was safe. After listening to the conversation among Val's
friends, he decided that today would be the day he started self-defence
lessons. He got up, brushed his teeth and changed from his sleeping pants to a
pair of boxing shorts.

“Valerie,” he called.

She didn’t respond. He pulled
back the covers on the bed and lifted her off the bed.

“Put me down!” she shouted.

He stared at her, face set in
an angry scowl.

"I said put. me.
down." she repeated.

He did as requested and she
turned her back on him. Why had he thought that his plan would be as easy as
waking her up and leading her to the gym? Maybe she wasn't ready. Based on her
recent behaviour, he wasn't sure when that day would come.

Valerie had no idea what had
gotten into Vlad this morning. They were hardly on speaking terms, and as far
as she was concerned, he was past his marching orders. How much longer he
planned to stay was irrelevant and at this point she was no longer bothered by
it.

Every day she was caught up in
a recurring nightmare of how the events had unfolded that fateful day and what
she could have done differently to prevent it. She remembered the horror
stories of Macy, Toni and Tash. She remembered them saying that it wasn't her
fault, and she needed to stop blaming herself. However, they were just words
and in reality it was much harder to put them into practice. She just needed
one more day to herself. One more day and she would get out of bed.

One day turned into three, and
she still found herself crippled, lost in the reveries and unable to function.
The food Vlad left at her side remained untouched. The only thing she was able
to stomach was tea and water. Val hadn't seen the inside of a shower in days. She
didn't have a job to go to, she didn't have classes to attend, and she didn't
have anyone to be presentable for.

The only constructive thing
Valerie had managed to do was call her mother and lie, giving her the lame
excuse of losing her phone to explain the lack of communication. Her mother was
not sold on it, but she let it go for now. Val knew that this topic would be
rehashed on her next visit.

Deciding not to push her into
something she wasn't ready for, Vlad had left Valerie alone. She never left the
bedroom, and she was now avoiding looking at him. He shouldn't have touched
her. Did she also look at him as an attacker? He had made love to her even
though he sensed she wasn’t okay. Why hadn't he stopped? Why had he forced that
stupid stay in Istanbul when she was clearly not okay?  The why’s of it
all drove him mad. He just wanted her back. Even when she was unkempt, she was
still the most perfect woman in his eyes. It was his fault entirely. If he had
stayed away from her, then none of this would have happened. He had broken her.
If she died, a fear that grew on a day to day basis ever since having that
nightmare, then he would die with her.

The way things currently stood,
they may as well be strangers under the same roof. He lay in bed with her, the
silence between them heavy. The day Vlad had woken up with the intention of
training her, followed by her vehement refusal of his touch, was the last day
he left their bedroom for any purpose other than preparing the food Valerie
never touched. He had heard her talking to her mother and for a brief moment,
he thought she was coming out of the darkness that haunted her.

As soon as she hung up, the
happy mask fell off and she sank right back into depression. It frightened Vladimir
how great of an actor she was. That dream was probably an omen. At any moment,
she could jump off the cliff she stood on. He vowed to never let her reach that
point. Even leaving her alone for the few minutes he went down to the kitchen,
or to use the bathroom, sent him into a mild panic. She just needed one
opportunity alone to act on an impulse.

The ache of sleeping on her
left side became unbearable, and Valerie was forced to switch to her back. She
didn’t want to look at Vlad. It hurt too much. Why was he still here?
He
blames himself for what happened
she surmised. Noticing the slow rise and
fall of his expansive chest, she sneaked a peek at his profile and was relieved
to find him asleep. She knew that he watched her like a hawk, but Valerie pretended
to not notice. After the day he forcibly tried to get her out of bed, he hadn't
touched her again. Taking the small window of opportunity, she turned to face
him.

He was so beautiful, any woman
would be lucky to have him. For a short time, she had believed herself to be
that woman - not anymore.

She surveyed his face trying to
capture the moment, and when she looked this time, really looked, she noticed
that his usually clean face was peppered in stubble. He hadn’t shaved in days -
that was unlike him. He also had bags under his eyes which made absolutely no
sense seeing that he barely left her side on the bed. Why wasn't he getting any
sleep?

She had hoped that by freezing
him out, he would eventually get the message and leave. Apparently it wasn't working.
The stress of her poor diet, which was almost non-existent, and her lack of
hygiene was probably worrying him. Taking a whiff of her own clothes, she
inhaled the musky scent and a terrible case of B.O. She cupped her hand, blew
out a breath and the smell repulsed her. Jeez, why hadn't he said anything?
Deciding that three days - or four, or was it five now - was long enough, she
hit the shower.

On instinct, Vlad sensed that
Valerie was no longer next to him. He shot up out of bed and then he heard it.
The sound of running water. It was happening. The memory of that nightmare,
finding Valerie dead in the tub, had come to fruition. He rushed to the
bathroom door and as usual, it was locked. He pushed his large frame against it,
trying to force it open
. Please, you can’t leave me! Not like this!
He
screamed in his head as he doubled his efforts in a rush to get in. He didn’t
hear the running water cut off and couldn’t discern that it was the spray of a
shower head and not the nozzle of a running tap. By the time the door gave in,
he almost crashed into a wet Valerie, who held on to her towel looking at him
in horror.

“What is wrong with you?”

Vlad had never been so relieved
to see the sour countenance that had become her visage on the rare occasion she
did speak to him.

"You're okay." He
stated, more to himself than her.

"Yes…" she answered
slowly wondering this time, with a worry of her own, what was going on with
him. He took hold of her hands and turned them face up, running his thumbs across
her wrists.

"You're okay," he
repeated again. It took Valerie a few seconds to put together what had
happened.

Did he think she was going to
kill herself? It had crossed her mind a time or two, however, she didn’t dwell
on it. She wasn’t suicidal. He hadn’t been sleeping because he was worried
about her; scared that she would take her own life. “I’m fine, I promise,"
she stated softly. For the first time in a long time, it felt like she was
speaking to him instead of lashing out.

She was okay. Valerie was still
here. He continued to rub his thumbs against her wrists, reassuring his mind
that she was still alive until he finally believed it, until he believed that
this was not a dream, or rather, a nightmare. They couldn't continue down the
path they were currently on. He had to somehow convince her to seek
professional help and then teach her how to protect herself. He had fallen
asleep for five minutes, and she had managed to get away from him. He thought
that he could watch over her, but the truth was that it was impossible. He
would force her to learn everything he knew – the bad and the ugly.

He couldn't hold back in this,
and that meant that she would see his darker side. What he did to people was
monstrous. He would rather be the monster that taught her how to defend herself
against men like him, men like Keyaan, than the monster that would go after her
again and hurt her in a worse way.

He looked at her and shut his
emotions off. “Get dressed and meet me at the gym downstairs.”

“Vlad I– “

"Meet me downstairs Valerie,"
he said cutting her off in a tone that brooked no argument. He was done
standing by and watching her slip away. If he had to drag her down there
kicking and screaming then he would.

Valerie stared on at his
retreating back. Once he was out of her line of sight, she got dressed and
followed him. She had no idea what he wanted to show her down there.
Nonetheless, she went; partly in the hopes that it would ease his mistrust and
partly out of curiosity. She walked past the wine racks and straight into the
gym that stood empty.
Where was he?

“Vlad?” she called out.

“In here,” he replied.

She followed his voice that
came from the back and in the corner she saw a black door that blended
seamlessly into the black wall. Letting herself in, she walked into what must
have been his office.

 “I’ve tried to let you
handle things your way. It’s not working. Other than the sole effort of this
morning you seem to be getting worse. This has gone on long enough,” he said.

Valerie felt like a child being
chastised. She would have denied it were it not true.

“Come here.”

Tentatively, she walked closer
to where he stood. Vlad stepped aside to reveal a large silver suitcase that
covered half his work desk.

“Open it and pick one,” he
commanded.

The tone of his voice left her
no choice. She did as she was told, spurred into action again by her curiosity.
When she looked at the contents within, she was hit with the déjá vu of opening
a similar, though smaller, suitcase in his hotel room a few months back when
they had first met.

“Have you made your choice?” he
asked.

“What?”

“I told you to pick one.”

"Why?"

“I’m going to teach you how to
defend yourself.”

“I don’t need a gun,” she
protested.

“You never know you need one
until the time comes. I can teach you how to use all of them. Just pick where
you want to start."

Valerie was still trying to
wrap her mind around the fact that he wanted to teach her how to use a firearm.
"What if I don't have a gun on me? I didn't have a gun when…" she cut
herself off before she could finish that sentence.

“This is just the start. I will
teach you self-defence as well. By the time we’re done, you won’t be helpless
in any scenario. I – I wasn’t there. I couldn’t stop what happened to you, and
I'm sorry, sorrier than you will ever know. So allow me to redeem myself by
doing this.”

“You weren’t the one that hurt
me,” Val said speaking to the suitcase with the deadly machinery instead of
looking at him. She had heard the pain in his voice but couldn't bring herself to
face it. He was dealing with his own sense of guilt.

“You were hurt because of me,”
he stated matter of factly. “You’re small. However, there are techniques you
can learn that can cripple a large man, a man of my size. He stepped closer to
her and pulled out a black piece. "This is Andrei's favourite – a 9mm
pistol." He took out a small cylindrical piece and quickly screwed it over
the top before firing into the wall. He clicked back the safety and gave it to
her, handle first.

As she was about to take it, he
pulled it out of her reach.

“I have one only one condition
before we start.”

Valerie waited for him to
continue. When he didn't, she asked, "What is the condition?"

“You get counselling. I won’t
be held responsible for arming an unstable person.”

“I’m not unstable!”

“You’re not that stable either.
What happened has changed you. I thought your friends would be able to get
through to you but they couldn't. This is the only thing I'm going to ask you
to do." 

Silence flowed between them, a
silence that had become the norm since they got back to Cape Town. She thought
about what Vlad was offering in exchange for her seeing a therapist. She
couldn't stay locked away in this house forever, and she couldn't live in fear
of being attacked again, physically or sexually. This was an opportunity for
her to regain a semblance of the power she had lost. “Okay, I’ll see a
therapist.”