Dragging his hands through his thick waves, he threw off the bed covers, strode to the windows and stared across the dark landscape of Vesturon. His soul knew she still lived. Vesturions were like that. Their souls were attached to those of the ones they loved. They could feel it when they lost a loved one. When his brother Therron was killed, Xarrid felt his soul had been wrenched from his body, and left him battered and bleeding for months. He still hadn’t healed from that, and Saylan’s disappearance had just poured an extra heaping of vinegar on his raw flesh, burning it like acid. It burned every day. He expected it would forever, unless he found her. He slammed his hand against the windowsill and groaned. Why couldn’t he get some sign, some small signal where she was being held? Filling his lungs with air, he released it and shuddered as he dropped to his knees and let his anguish flow. The tears gushed like a torrent, as they usually did, and he had long ago quit trying to stop them for he knew it was useless to do so. This had become his nightly ritual, and in the morning, he would awaken, curled up in a tight knot, stiff with swollen eyes from the tears he’d shed.
This is how Maddie, his sister-in-law, found him the next morning. Knocking on his door just after dawn, she entered, calling his name.
“
Xarrid? It’s Maddie. Are you still asleep?” When she didn’t receive an answer, she walked to his bed and noticed the rumpled up sheets. Her eyes landed on a heap by the window and she moved over to find him balled up on his side, asleep. She reached out her arm and gently touched his shoulder.
“
Xarrid? Wake up, it’s Maddie.”
He lifted his lids, and looked at her oddly, trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together. “What’s going on?”
“
Why are you on the floor?”
His face exploded into flames and he felt the heat of embarrassment that she should find him in this state. A mask of anger quickly replaced the confusion, for he was ashamed that she should discover him in such a pitiful state.
Sitting up, he acidly replied, “I don’t think that’s any of your business. Besides, when did you decide my bedroom had an open door policy for you?”
Maddie looked at him, assessing him. She knew him well, but more importantly she understood his grief. She had dealt with her own issues when she’d lost both of her parents as a teenager. Xarrid was hiding and she was tired of him burying his grief.
She crouched down in front of him and said, “I know what you’re doing and it isn’t working. Look at yourself. You’re a wreck Xarrid. It’s obvious you can’t sleep. You probably have dreams or even nightmares every night. You have to talk to someone. Please. Come back to us. We’re your family and we love you. We only want to help.”
Xarrid looked at Maddie and she thought her heart would break from the pain mirrored in his eyes. He looked away and stared at the wall. She saw his lower lip tremble and she took a chance and whispered, “I love her too Xarrid and I miss the hell out of her. Why can’t we help each other get through this?”
He turned to her and was in her arms before she could even think of how it happened. She couldn’t hear his sobs, but she felt his entire body shuddering from the force of them. The dam had burst and Maddie wasn’t sure how long it would take for the lake behind it to empty. It didn’t matter though, for she was prepared to stay with him until he stopped needing her to be there.
“
I can feel her soul Maddie,” he cried. “I know she still lives, but I worry about how and where. Are they torturing her? Is she cold at night? Does she have enough to eat? Is she thirsty? Does she call out for me? Does she think I’ve abandoned her? I feel so bloody helpless. What the hell could have happened to her?”
“
I know Xarrid. I’ve asked myself the same things. I wish we could find her. But if you still feel her soul, that must mean something. That must mean she’s getting food and water. Someone is taking care of her.”
“
Then why isn’t she calling to me? She hasn’t even tried. My mind waves to her are unanswered. I’m blocked at every turn, or there’s nothing there.”
“
Same here. The telepathic waves are shut down. I don’t know Xarrid, but you need to keep talking to us. We’re all worried about you. We can’t be worried about Saylan and you at the same time.”
He rubbed his face, drying the tears from them. “My mind is so bloody messed up right now, I can barely think straight.”
She put her hand on his shoulder and squeezed it. “I know. We all have noticed Xarrid. Look, when Rayn and I were apart, I thought I was losing it. I would work out in the exercise facility until I could hardly walk back to my quarters. But at least I knew where he was and that he was safe. This is crazy with Saylan. Bottling it up inside though will only make you more insane. Talk to us. We can’t make it go away, but we can listen and let you vent.”
He looked up at her and nodded. “I feel so weak.”
“
You’re not. You lost your soul mate. You’re grieving. That’s not weakness. That’s love Xarrid. Do you remember when we first met?”
He nodded but raised his brows, not really following her.
“
You scared the bejesus out of me. I was so intimidated by you. I don’t know, you just seemed so in control and powerful. And so smart about everything. But there was something about you that made me turn to mush inside and it was the way you felt about Rayn. You loved him so much that even though you sort of turned your back on us for a while, you did it in good conscience. And it about killed you to do it too. I always loved you after that. So, what I’m trying to say is don’t ever think you’re weak around me. When I think of strength, a picture of you comes to mind.”
He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to stave off another rush of tears. Seeing his efforts, Maddie pulled him back into her arms and said, “Stop trying to fight it Xarrid. Let it go.”
She rubbed his back and just held him tight. When at last he felt in control again, he whispered, “I don’t know how to go on Maddie.”
“
I can help you with that. It’s something I have tons of experience with. You do it one day at a time.”
* * * * *
Rayn, Rykerian and his mate January were sitting in the den when Maddie walked in. Rayn was at her side in an instant.
“
Well,” he asked. He could tell by her glistening cheeks that she’d been crying.
“
His heart is cracked and his soul is splintering. We talked for a long time. He cried and poured his heart out, but I don’t know if I helped or not. I hope I did, but he needs more than what I can give him.” She looked pointedly at January.
Rykerian started shaking his head.
“
It doesn’t matter how you feel about this Rykerian,” Rayn said. “Xarrid’s livelihood goes beyond your petty jealousies.”
Rykerian’s mouth pressed into a thin line and he said, “Under any other circumstances, I would have something completely different to say to that remark. Given the situation, I will only say this. That was uncalled for. January, please get Jurek here now. My brother is in need of him and contrary to what Rayn may think, Xarrid’s needs will always come before my feelings for Jurek.”
January hugged Rykerian and smiled. Whenever she smiled like that, he pretty much melted anyway, so what did it matter? Within minutes, they all heard that funny popping sound, and suddenly, Jurek Herdekian appeared in the den.
“
You rang?” he asked. He always liked to say that to January because he thought it was funny, even though no one else did.
She flew to him and hugged him because it had been several months since she’d seen him.
“
Yes, we did.”
“
How’s little Therron?” Not waiting for an answer, he cocked his head and looked at her, then said with great exasperation, “I can’t believe you haven’t told me you were pregnant again.”
As Rayn and Maddie gaped at the three of them, January replied acidly, “For the love of God, Jurek, can you not be discreet about anything? It wasn’t just you we weren’t telling, now that you let the cat out of the bag.”
“
Oh, sorry,” he said. He actually had to good graces to look contrite.
“
We didn’t call you here for that. We’re worried about Xarrid,” she said, wanting to get her now exposed pregnancy off the table and buried where it should have stayed except for Jurek’s big blabbering mouth.
“
What’s up?”
Maddie explained about her time she spent with him and how he’d pulled away from them.
“
Still no news on Saylan then?” Jurek wanted to know.
“
Nothing,” Rayn answered.
“
We know she wasn’t on Xanthus the last time we checked. We scoured that hellhole. We’ll check again. I can put one of my teams down there ASAP. I need to check on Xarrid. Where is he?”
“
In his room,” Maddie told him.
“
I’m going to take him away for a while.”
“
Where?” January wanted to know.
“
Some place where his mind can heal. I should have done this a long time ago.”
“
Are you taking him to Lare-Stell?”
“
That would be a big no. He doesn’t need to be on a working space station. He needs solitude, away from everything familiar.”
“
Then where?” January pressed.
“
Bloody hell, January. You’re a nosy one aren’t you?”
Her face flushed in anger. “Oh, look who’s talking. And, no, I’m not nosy. I’m concerned about my brother-in-law, darn you! Quit acting like a stubborn fool,” she spat, and then she stuck her tongue out at him. She did this a lot, and he just shook his head and laughed.
“
The sanctuary.”
“
Huh?”
“
I’m taking him to the sanctuary. My sanctuary. That’s all I’ll tell you about it because I don’t speak of it to anyone. No one, other than myself, is allowed there.”
They all stared at him, mouths hanging open, jaws hitting the floor.
“
What the hell is wrong with the lot of you?”
“
You! You’re doing something exceptionally nice for someone other than January. That is what’s wrong with us,” Rykerian answered.
Jurek narrowed his eyes and growled, “Xarrid is my brother in every way except for blood. Like January, I will do anything for him.” Using his Praestani power, he flashed himself out of the room and over to Xarrid’s bedroom.
Xarrid heard that popping sound he hadn’t heard in a while and looked up from his spot on the floor. It seemed he spent more time down there than anywhere else these days.
Jurek stood in front of him, frowning, with those unusual eyes of his, assessing Xarrid.
Xarrid saw those orbs of lavender with silver swirling within their depths staring at him and asked, “So what’s the verdict? After a look like that, I’m sure it’s bad news.”
Dropping to the floor, and folding his long legs beneath him, Jurek asked, “Why didn’t you call out for me? I am your brother in every way, and yet I don’t hear a thing from you when you need me the most.”
Xarrid shrugged and looked down at his hands, which were clenched, his knuckles white with tension. “I didn’t want to be a bother.”
Jurek sighed. “Don’t be a bloody ass. Since when have you ever been a bother? You are the most stoic person I know. What bothers me is that you didn’t come to me for help.”
He shrugged again, not comfortable with the direction of the conversation. He was overly emotional right now and the last thing he wanted to do was to let his feelings loose around Jurek.
“
If you ever feel or think that again, I’ll zap your proud ass. What...do you think I’ve never had the occasion to be sad, or grief stricken? Because I have and I can tell you it took its toll on me. Give it up Xarrid.”
Xarrid dropped his head in his hands and his whole body began to shake.
“
It’s okay, man. We’ll get you through this. I make this promise to you today. But we can’t do it unless you let us in. Grab my arm.”
Xarrid wouldn’t even look at Jurek but he wanted to know why. They started having a telepathic conversation.
Jurek: I’m going to take you somewhere.
Xarrid: Where?
Jurek: I have a place known as the sanctuary. No one goes there but me and I’m taking you there. You’ll understand when we get there. Now grab my arm.
As soon as Xarrid did, Jurek flashed them to the sanctuary. Even through his grief, Xarrid couldn’t help but be amazed at how beautiful the place was.
“
It’s so peaceful and calming here.”
“
Exactly. That’s why I call it the sanctuary. Follow me.”
They walked through a terrace and down a winding stone path that led them to a series of waterfalls and a large pool at the end. It was extraordinary. Xarrid smiled, and Jurek remarked, “Well, I’m glad I was able to make you do that.”
“
Funny.”
“
You know better than that. Humor isn’t one of my strong points.”
“
No, I guess it isn’t.”
“
Sit,” Jurek said, indicating a huge rock that made a perfect place for both of them to plant for a while.
“
Thanks for bringing me here.”
They both looked at the beautiful view. The tumbling water splashing into the pool of water looked so inviting. Normally, Xarrid would have been the first to have stripped off his clothes and dive in. Not anymore. The joys of simple things were gone.
“
You know the story of our race and how our infants kill their mothers, right?”
Xarrid looked at him, wondering where this was headed. “You mean after they’re born, when the infants shift to their energy forms and they’re so powerful that the mothers can’t withstand it?”
“
One and the same. It happened to my mate. Her name was Larensa. I begged her not to get pregnant. She promised she wouldn’t. One day she came to me and said she had forgotten to use her contraceptive and, well, what do you know? She’s expecting a baby. I thought I was going to die. I knew I would lose her. I didn’t even care about the baby then. I only cared about her. She told me everything would be fine. It wasn’t. She died the day after Stellan was born, and he died eight days later. That was about four hundred years ago. I went crazy, did some terrible things, and became a mercenary. You know that part of it. Anyway, don’t let your grief do to you what mine did to me. Living with my sins is worse than living with the death of Larensa and Stellan.”