Regret Me Not (11 page)

"Come on, Kenzie."

"Okay, fine."

He pulls me into his body for a long hug. It's different than when he held me earlier. His arms are warm and welcoming, no longer desperate and full of need. He pulls me over to my bed, and thoughts I shouldn't allow start swimming in my mind.

Brayden sits, stretches out his long legs and pulls me down next to him.

"Talk to me."

"About?"

"I don't care. Anything. Tell me what's been going on in your life."

"Besides missing you?"

He smiles and squeezes his arms tighter around me. "Tell me all about your classes. I want to know everything."

"Guess who I'm lucky enough to have a class with?" I begin.

Two hours pass in the span of five minutes. I know eventually he'll have to leave, I just never realized how soon eventually was, or how much it would hurt to see him go.

Chapter 10

Back to the Present

The lights in the garage flick on. I'm busted. It doesn't matter, I fucked everything up with Brayden again, and whoever came looking for me will forget about my meager problems as soon as Jessica snaps her fingers. I sniffle trying to pull myself together. Maybe if I stay quiet they'll leave. I can only hope, I don't want to be around anyone. I don't want to have to explain. Tired and beaten down by life, I don't want any of it anymore.

The car door opens. Jessica stands there, her eyes squinted as she looks down at me in my homecoming dress.

"Rough night?"

I can't answer. I sit up and let the tears fall again. What she does next surprises me more than if she told me she was going hunting in the snow wearing nothing but a bra and panties. She climbs in the back seat with me.

"Huh, I almost forgot what it looks like back here," she jokes, then puts her arm around my shoulder and pulls me close. "It's okay to cry you know. Sometimes life just sucks."

I snort as I laugh. It seems so ridiculous that she's giving me advice, yet she is. I miss her. We were never close, but still I miss being able to go to her when I have a problem. I lean against her shoulder not crying, not laughing, just allowing my sister to comfort me.

"What are you thinking about?" Jessica asks after a long stretch of silence between us.

"I'm thinking about when Brayden and I first got together, and everything that led up to now."

"I'm glad he was there for you. I know things were rough when I first came home, and then I self-destructed. I'm so sorry."

I nod.

"You looked beautiful tonight."

I sniffle, "Thank you."

"What happened?"

"He wanted to get back together," I squeeze my eyes closed. "And of course I pushed him away. This time there's no turning back. He hates me. I think I hate me, too."

"Why did you break up with him in the first place?"

"I love him, and I don't want to hold him back. He has a future, a promising one."

"So do you."

I shake my head. If I had a future I wouldn't be invisible to my family.

"No, Jess. I don't. And I don't want him to give up on his future for me, because if the roles were reversed I wouldn't sacrifice mine for him. And either way he's going to hate me in the end, so why not cut him loose now?" 

"He's a good guy, Kenzie. You don't find guys like him all that often."

"I know." That's the part that bites at me. I should've treasured him and held on tight with both hands rather than let him go. But I put him first. I did what's best for him over what I want.

The tears start all over again.

*

I flip the lid of the toilet seat down as I sit and wait. Weeks passed since the dance. I'm only a day late, but I know. I just don't want to believe it. I set the timer on my phone and place it next to the stick. Lost in thoughts of Brayden and the homecoming dance my hands, my legs, my whole body trembles. The night was beautiful, perfect. At least the part when we were still at the dance. No matter what, I will keep those memories intact. As for the rest of the night, those memories will haunt me the rest of my life.

My phone chimes, time's up. I wipe my sweaty palms on my pant legs. And pick up the stick.

I can't breathe.

There's a blue line where there should be an empty window.

I cover my mouth to muffle the agonizing sounds coming out of it.  My first thought is to call Brayden, but I know that isn't an option. He hates me.

I stare in mind numbing silence at the stick.
What the fuck am I going to do now
? I can't think ahead. First, I have to figure out what to do with the test. I can't just throw it in the garbage, someone might see it, and then questions will follow. I wrap it up in toilet paper, stuff it in the waistband of my jeans, and pull my shirt down over it.

Once in my bedroom safely, I reach for the pregnancy test and stuff it in the bottom of my purse. I make sure to cover it with my wallet and make-up until I have the chance to throw it out in a garbage can my parents won't possibly sort through. Not that they have any reason to, but I've seen them go through the garbage after Jess came home from rehab, when they worried she was using again. I can't chance them finding it.

*

I want to tell him, but I don't know how. This is something that needs to be said in person, but I can't get in touch with him. We haven't spoken since the homecoming dance. I try to call and text Brayden, but he won't respond. I wonder if he blocked my number. I email him, but it bounces back as undeliverable. He unfriended me on all the social media sites we belong to. The worst part of it all is that he's my best friend, the one I turn to when life gets out of hand, and like a poof of smoke, when I need him most, he vanishes in thin air.

My parents don't notice how tired I am all of a sudden, how I can't wait to crawl into bed at night. Or the many times I run to the bathroom after eating. Neither do my friends. Not that I see many of my old ones, just a few in passing at school. Olivia, like Brayden, and it seems everyone else important in my life, is away at school. The only one to notice anything out of the ordinary is Jess. She knows it has to do with Brayden. And she's been the only one paying enough attention to know when it began. The week before Thanksgiving she comes into my room, and sits on my bed with her legs crossed.

"So if you're taking it this bad, how is he holding up?" she asks.

I shrug. "He completely shut me out. I can't get in touch with him. He won't take my calls, he blocked every form of communication."

"Do you want to talk? I've been learning how to be a good listener."

"Not really."

"I'm worried about you. I think this has to do with more than the argument you had the night of the homecoming dance."

I look away. I have a hard time lying to her face, to anyones face. And in reality, it has everything to do with that night. That's why he cut me off.

"Kenzie," she takes my hand, "I fucked up in every way imaginable. I'm working hard at reclaiming my life, please let me help you. I don't want to see you make the same mistakes I did."

"I've gone out of my way to make sure I don't repeat your mistakes." The bitter edge in my voice surprises me. "I mean the reason I broke up with him in the first place is because of what happened between you and Mike. And the reason I freaked out when the . . ." I catch myself and clamp my mouth shut.

"When what?"

"Nothing. Forget about it."

"I can't." She strokes my hair. "I see what's going on. You look like shit, you're extremely depressed, and I hear you throw up after you eat. So either you have an eating disorder or you're pregnant."

My stomach slams to the floor. She knows. I think I'm doing a great job hiding it, but the only thing I'm great at is lying to myself that I can do anything competently. Jess caught on and figured it out. And if she knows . . . "Oh God, Jess, do you think they know?"

"Who? Mom and Dad?"

I nod.

She shakes her head. "No, I've got you covered. They're too focused on what I'm doing, but that's changing, so you don't have a lot of time to make a decision."

"What kind of decision?"

"What you're going to do."

"There's no decision. I can't have it." My eyes tear up. I don't want to do it, but I have to. I never wanted to be in this situation, I did all I could to prevent it, and still here I am, alone, unmarried and pregnant. It’s not fair. "I have to get rid of it."

"The choice is yours, but don't do something you might regret, something you can't undo, because it can affect the rest of your life."

I can't believe my ears. Is she just trying to get me to look worse than her? To make a bigger mess of my life than she did with hers?

"What are you saying? You think I should have it?"

"I think it's a decision you should make with Brayden. I know it's hard, but you need to find a way to tell him."

"It's not hard, it's damn near impossible. He won't talk to me."

"Kenzie, I know you still love him. You'll hate yourself if don't tell him."

"What do you possibly know about this?"

"More than you think."

"Jess, were you . . . ? Is that what happened?"

"No." Her eyes fall down and study my comforter as she takes a deep breath. "I just . . . I did things I wasn't comfortable with because Mike pressured me to. I told myself it was okay as long as we were together, as long as he still loved me after the fact." I want to ask, but I don't dare. This is the most she's said about what happened. "I compromised myself and what I knew was right, and in the end, I felt like shit, and when everything came crashing down around me, I had a hard time looking myself in the mirror. I just wanted to forget. I wanted something to numb me and take away the pain."

I give her hand a supportive squeeze.

"You're my baby sister, I don't want to see you go through the hell I've put myself through. Especially if you don't need to."

"Thanks Jess. I can't tell you what that means to me." I pull her toward me and give her a hug.

*

I take my sisters words to heart. I don't dismiss her warning. I spend the next week gathering up the courage to see Brayden over the short break. Saturday afternoon Jessica takes a ride with me, offering the encouragement I need to stop by his house and ring the doorbell. We drive around for an hour, going nowhere, before I feel I could go through with it. I glance back at my sister waiting in the car as Brayden's brother answers the door.

"Hey, Dean. Can I speak to your brother, please?"

I see the conflict in Dean's large brown eyes. "He doesn't want to see you."

"You can't possibly know that. You didn't even tell him I'm here!"

"He warned me Wednesday night when he got home. He told me if you showed up and I let you in he'd kick my ass."

"Please, he'll change his mind if you tell him I'm here, if you tell him its important."

"If it were up to me, I would . . ."

"Fine, don't let me in, but at least tell him I'm here. Tell him I won't leave . . ."

"I can't, he's not . . ."

Mrs. Turner appears at the door. "Dean, is everything alright?"

"Fine, Mom."

She turns her suspicious eyes on me. "Oh, Mackenzie." Her voice is void of all emotion.

"Hi, Mrs. Turner."

Her thin lips press together into a tight line. She can't even fake a smile. "I guess you're looking for Brayden. I'm sorry, but he's not here, he's out with his friends. Seems like a long time since he had a nice relaxing day with the guys."

I know a dig when I feel one. Her comment slices right into my heart. Although Brayden always denied it, I sensed his parents weren't happy when we were together. His mother just confirmed it. And I wonder, why am I here? What did I expect from him anyway?

"Just please tell him I came by."

"Sure," Dean answers.

"I don't think that's necessary." His mother says. "I've watched you toy with my son, and God only knows why he cares so much about you, but he's finally moving on. So don't think you're going to waltz back into his life like nothing happened."

With my head hung low, I turn and head back to the car. I start the engine and drive down the block, far enough away from his house that they won't see me break down and cry from a window.

Jessica rubs my back until I bring the car to a stop. After pulling over to the curb, she pulls me in for a hug. I can't speak as my body racks with sobs. It’s over, my decision is made. I'm going to get rid of the thing growing inside me.

Chapter 11

Sisterly Love

"It's not a thing, Kenzie. It's a baby. Yours and Brayden's." Jessica reminds me as often as she can over the next few days.

"Please don't say that. I can't deal with this."

"If you can't deal with the thought of it now, how are you going to live with yourself when it finally hits you?"

"It hit me."

"Not the fact that you're pregnant, the fact that you're planning to abort it. Don't you think you'll wonder about it, about what it is, what it would look like, and how Brayden would react if he knew?"

Once again she has me second guessing myself. I can't let her keep getting in my head like this. I have to end it, and the sooner the better. But I have no idea where to go. I don't wan't my parents to know. I don't want to see the disappointment in their eyes, the hurt and pain serving as a reminder that I fucked up.

"Please, Jess, just help me do this. Help me find a clinic."

"If you're sure this is really what you want I'll help you. But we do it my way. You need to get checked by a doctor in an office. There are a million things that could go wrong before a baby is born. Maybe we'll find out it's not a viable pregnancy and you're stressing over nothing."

"How are we going to do this so Mom and Dad don't find out?"

She smirks. "I've been seen by so many doctors over the last year, they don't even look at the explanation of benefits anymore. They won't notice. And with all the privacy laws, you can prevent the doctor's office from giving out any information, or mailing anything, or even leaving a message on the answering machine. No one has to know unless you want to tell them. Trust me."

Trust her. How ironic that if not for her I wouldn't have considered bailing on Brayden or our relationship in the first place. If not for the mistakes my big sister made I might be delusional enough to believe love can conquer all. Yet here I am putting all my trust and faith in the one person who least deserves it.

I have to wait until the second week in December for my appointment. At times I don't think I'll make it. My mother notices that I'm preoccupied. Apparently putting dirty clothes in the coat closet and the car keys in the freezer raises flags.

"Mackenzie, can we talk?" My mother looks pale as she tries to initiate a conversation before I leave for school.

"It's not really the best time. I don't want to be late for class."

"Honey, I'm really worried about you. You haven't been yourself lately, and I want you to know that you can talk to me."

Oh shit, does she know? Does she suspect? I rub my forehead, wondering how to bullshit my way out of this. "I'm fine, Mom. Just stressed. Finals are coming up, and I really want to ace them."

She puts her hand on my shoulder. "I'm sure you'll do fine. You're very smart. I know I shouldn't worry about you, but I can't help it. I feel like with everything revolving around your sister this last year, I should be paying more attention to you." Great, she picked the perfect time to remember she has another daughter.  "Especially since you've been dealing with your first major heartbreak all on your own."

I take a deep breath, hoping to suck in enough oxygen to keep me from getting light headed. I can't do this. I need to get away from her. "Mom, I really have to go," I glance at her. I don't expect to find disappointment in her eyes. If I did, I'd avoid them, the same way I seem to avoid anything else that feels like a fist clenching my heart tight.

*

I don't quite lie outright to my mother. Aside from stressing over feeling like crap from the unwanted pregnancy and the empty feeling in my chest from missing Brayden, I do worry about finals. The only chance I have of getting out of our town is to prove myself academically and hope I can earn scholarship money for next year, however unlikely that is. Each day, the further along I go without destroying the thing growing inside me, the less likely it seems that I really will. Unwanted thoughts pop into my mind. Thoughts I'd never had before. I become obsessed with the idea of ending it, ending all of it; school, the baby, my life. Once I start to think of it as a baby, I know I'm in trouble.

I don't want the conflicting emotions of the hormonal roller coaster I seem to be on. Suddenly car commercials are making me cry. Granted it's a commercial showing how a baby and a car age together through the years. I wonder how I allowed myself to start to think of it as anything other than a cancerous growth that needs to be cut out and removed. If Brayden did know, what would he say? I wish he would say something to me. Anything at all. That's the most ironic part of the whole situation. The only person that would truly be hurt if I do choose to end my life wouldn't even know I am gone.

Each time the world becomes too much, I close my eyes and go to sleep. Each day that I wake I tell myself, "Today is a new day, and everything will be better." But it never gets better, or easier.

Finally the day of my appointment arrives. Excited to finally see the light at the end of the tunnel, I wake early. It’s a Wednesday, and my first class is at ten. Never quite a morning person I make sure I leave myself plenty of time to get up, get ready and get to school. The plan is to pick Jessica up after my classes. We'll tell my mother we're going to spend some girl time shopping.

I can't focus on the irrelevant things my professors say. They talk, and I listen, but my mind is a million miles away, or at least as far as the doctor's office is. As I sit watching the hour glass on my psychology professor's desk, I swear it
’s not working. I can't see the grains of sand slip through the skinny hole in the middle into the large cup on the bottom. He uses this as a measurement of time instead of a clock, so he can see how much time he has until the end of the class. It’s more of a visual aid than a timekeeper if you ask me. As I sit there willing each grain of sand to fall, he sits on the front of his desk staring at me, eyes narrowed as if he's trying to figure something out.

Someone who studies psychology, or knows enough to teach it knows how to read people, at least enough to know when something is off. And in studying me, he pounces.

"Mackenzie, can you tell me what Freud's first two stages of development are and how they differ from Erikson's?"

I sit straighter in my chair feeling dozens of eyes on me. Luckily it's an easy question, one I know in my sleep. I just hate the fact that everyone is queuing in on my weakness.

"Um . . . Freud's first stage of development starts at birth, trust vs. mistrust."

I hear snickers and laughter coming from some girls behind me.

"I think you're a bit confused, Mackenzie."

"A lot is more like it." A girl snickers. I don't bother to look back; I recognize the voice, Alana. Bitch!

"If Mackenzie is getting confused, that only goes to prove the trouble the rest of you are in. Make sure you study for the final. Know the stages of development for Freud, Erikson and Piaget. Be able to discuss and contrast them in detail."

The class shuffles around as the last grains of sand fall. I grab my books and stand, ready to leave. Alana and one of her minions stop at the desk in front of me.

"I can't wait for Brayden to come home for winter break, then we can pick up where we left off at Thanksgiving."

I don't miss how she looks back over her shoulder at me. I want to throw up. He's with Alana?!? That phony, prissy bitch?

"Wow, I wonder how long you've been waiting for me to hear you were together. It must have been burning your ass that you haven't gotten a reaction out of me yet."

She smiles, raising one perfectly waxed eyebrow.

"Sorry to burst your bubble, but you're not important enough for me to think about. Just know, if you insist on eavesdropping like this, you're bound to hear things that that will hurt you."

Before I can take a swing and use her face as a punching bag, Mr. Bainer approaches my desk.

"Everything okay, girls?"

"Fine," I nod not looking at him.

"Can I speak to you for a minute, Mackenzie?"

I swallow hard, wondering what he could want. "Of course."

With the toss of her hair, Alana turns and heads off with a smug I-won-this-battle, "Humph."

"Mackenzie, are you alright?" He asks after the other girls are gone.

I nod, "Yeah, fine. Why?"

"You're a good student. You knew the stages of development before we ever went over them, but your answer today was off."

"We all have bad days."

"True." He puts his hand on my shoulder. "You seem a bit distracted lately, and I just want you to know we have resources if you need to talk."

"Is that your way of telling me I should go see a shrink?"

He laughs. "No. It's my way of telling you if nothing's wrong you need to study. I'm expecting nothing lower than an A+ from you."

"I will. I promise." I turn and take a few steps towards the door of the room. "Mr. Bainer, thank you."

*

Jessica is in front of our house waiting for me. Relieved I don't have to face my mother again, I pull over, unlock the car door, and wait for her to get in. Just a quick look in my direction and Jess knows something's wrong.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

"No. I'm not." I snap. "And you of all people should understand that. I haven't been okay for months, but it's nice of the world to finally take notice today."

"Hey, calm down. What's wrong?"

"You mean besides the obvious? My life sucks. Mom thinks something is wrong. I had a major brain fart in class today, and my professor is making sure I know what resources are available to me. And to top it all off, Brayden has moved on with some dimwit cheerleader from high school."

"How do you know?"

I sniffle, feeling my teeth chatter as I think back to the interaction with Alana. "She all but told me. It doesn't matter how I know, the important thing is I do."

"That's even more reason why you need to tell him."

"No. It's even more reason not to. Let's just get this over with, and then I can move forward and forget it ever happened."

Jess sighs and puts her arm around my shoulder. "I know that's what you think you want, but you're never going to forget, Kenzie, never."

"You don't know that. You can't possibly."

I pull into the lot and park my car. "Jess . . ." I didn't know how to finish that  sentence. There's so much I want to say, questions I want to ask, but words elude me.

"It's okay, I'll be right by your side."

"Thanks."

"Come on." She takes my hand and leads me into the medical building.

I've never been to the gynecologist before. Knowing this, Jessica prepared me for the examination the night before. She told me what to expect and how uncomfortable it could be.

She fills out the endless amount of paperwork required before I can be seen and then starts talking to me about the latest celebrity sleaze. I didn't even know she keeps up with that.

"Jess, what happened?"

She stops speaking and takes a long look in my eyes. I don't have to clarify what I mean, she already knows.

"I thought the world was focusing on you and your problems today."

"Maybe I want to forget about my problems for a few minutes."

Before Jessica can say anything more, I'm called into the back.

"Do you want me to come in for the exam, too or should I wait out here for that part?"

"Come with me."

She nods, gets to her feet and takes my hand as she walks beside me. "You know," she leans in to whisper in my ear, "people are going to think we're lovers."

I burst into laughter. "I'm glad you're here."

"Me too, Sis. Me too."

*

I lie on the table, grateful my sister had enough sense to make my appointment with a female doctor. Dr. Stone begins the exam by going over the medical history on the pages I had to fill out. She follows up with some specific questions about the baby's father and paternal grandparents. I'm embarrassed I don't know the answers. I'm guessing Brayden was full term, but I don't know, and I certainly have no idea what his measurements were when he was born. She assures me it's not important and offers a smile. I know she's trying to make me feel better, but I'm only reminded that I'm young, pregnant and alone.

Next comes the physical exam. I never had one before. I'm fine until she instructs me to slide all the way down on the table, and her focus turns to
that
part of me. I want to die. I can't believe women do this voluntarily. It plain old sucks. Jess stays seated in a chair behind my head during the exam. As soon as the doctor's ready to check on the baby, I feel Jess beside me, my hand in hers.

My pulse rate quickens. My face is flush. I'm not sure if it's because of how mortifying the exam was, the sonogram, or the results of it that have me so nervous. I tighten my grip on Jessica's hand. I wish it were Brayden by my side. I'd heard about couples' excitement the first time they catch a glimpse of their bundle of joy. Not that I'm happy or excited in any way, but maybe that would be different if he were with me. My heart leaps as the doctor explains the image on the screen. The tiniest of lights flicker, that's the heart. My baby's heart. And then she plays with knobs allowing us to hear the swishing sound of the heartbeat.