Regret Me Not (18 page)

"I'll take night classes. I'll get my degree over the Internet, whatever it takes."

"You're not getting a degree over the internet." I can't keep my mouth closed any longer. "I want you to go back to school this semester. I'm not going anywhere, and like you said, you'll be home before the baby is born."

He shakes his head. "No way."

"Brayden, I'll be okay.
We'll
be okay, I promise."

"Finally, I hear something worthwhile."

Brayden shoots his father a warning look, and I'm worried if Mr. Turner doesn't take it down a notch my father's fist is going to want to have a word with his face.

I squeeze his hand. "Go back, Brayden. This way you can take the time to transfer into a good school. Maybe Rutgers is a possibility now that you're not planning on playing football."

I can see in the confused look on his face I'm making headway. I know I can convince him. No one speaks, but I feel the weight of the five sets of eyes weighing on us.

"Marry me."

I smile, "I already said I would."

"Before I go back I mean. The only way I can do this is if we're married. Maybe I can rearrange my schedule so I only have one class a day and I can drive back and forth."

I shake my head. "No. It's too far for a daily commute."

"Then I'll try to bunch them up on Tuesday and Thursday. I already have three classes planned on those days. Maybe I can take a couple of night classes on Tuesday and Wednesday night, that way I can leave late Monday and come home Thursday night."

"Look into it."

He nods. "Okay, but I want to be there for all the doctor visits." He gives my shoulder a squeeze. "I don't want to miss anything."

I agree. His parents seem to relax just a bit, and the focus of the conversation shifts to our parents as they begin the process of getting to know each other.

*

  My father closes and locks the front door. I'm in the kitchen with my mother, Jessica and Brayden. Still upset with his father, he chose to stay behind.

"Charming in-laws you've got there, Sis." Jessica teases as she places the final dish in the dishwasher. Then realizing she just insulted Brayden's parents, and possibly Brayden himself, she turns back to look at us, her eyes wide. "Sorry. I didn't mean . . ."

"It's fine." Brayden fidgets with a napkin on the table. "I'm sorry my father was such an obnoxious pig."

I squeeze his hand. "It's all good. I'm sorry he upset you."

I see something cold and distant in his eyes. "You shouldn't have had to deal with that. You don't deserve . . ."

"Seriously, I'm fine. I always got the feeling they didn't really approve of me."

"They liked you. They still do, they're just not happy with the circumstances."

I shrug. "It doesn't matter. I'm not shocked that they blame me. It's you I'm worried about. I hope you understand your father is just worried. If my father hadn't had so much shit to deal with over the last year and a half he'd be acting the same way. As it turns out, I think he's relieved it's a baby and not an addiction."

"I doubt your father would ever make you feel like loving you your whole life is an illusion. He'd never make you feel like every day since the day you were born he's been trying to make the best out of one giant mistake."

I barely take notice that my mother and sister are no longer in the room. I keep my focus on Brayden, and place my hand on top of his.

"That's not what he was saying."

"It doesn't matter."

I know he's lying. It does matter. It matters more than anything. Just like coming to see me mattered when he needed to know if I still loved him. Just like understanding why I went to tell him about the baby mattered. I can see his pain in the firm set of his jaw and the darkness of his eyes. Something changed inside him, and I hope it's a temporary reaction to the pain and that it doesn't permanently mar the amazing person he is deep down.

Brayden pulls his phone from his pocket and starts typing a message. "I think I'll see if I can crash at Carlos or Josh's house tonight."

My heart speeds up. I don't want him to do that. I can't admit to him that I don't want him hanging out with his buddies because I'm afraid Alana will be there. No matter how much he denies it, I know there's an attraction there. She's always been attracted to him, and apparently he was attracted enough for her to be his "girlfriend." She's still under my skin, and my chest tightens at the thought of her. If she's there, or somehow finds out Brayden is . . .  I can't stomach the idea. I draw my eyes away from him and look down at the table. I try not to let my jealousy influence my advice to Brayden, but sometimes trying isn't good enough.

"I think you should go home and talk to your father. But if you really don't want to, why don't you stay here?"

His eyes meet mine. They're so large and soulful I want to cry.

He reaches over and brushes the hair away from my face. "Your father won't let me."

I swallow hard, hoping it will get rid of the lump in my throat and the guilt in my heart. "That was before. I'm sure after this, after what he heard tonight, he'll understand and let you sleep on the couch."

His phone buzzes, someone answered him back. My heart hits the floor. I know the answer; of course, his friends will let him stay with them. I sit in silence and wait for him to say the words that will wring my heart.

"Josh is with Olivia. He's not sure what time he'll be home, but Carlos says I can crash at his house."

"Brayden." I know I sound panicked. Wasn't it only a few hours ago I promised we'd be okay if he went back to school? How could I convince him I won't have a problem with that when I can't convince him I trust him here at home?

"Mackenzie," I love the sound of my name on his lips. The name I once hated because it was so different from the other more common girl names sounds beautiful. "In the mood I'm in, it's better for me to be there tonight. Just do me a favor, work on finishing up everything Father Mario asked for. Get all your stuff together, so we can bring it to him tomorrow. I want to marry you as soon as possible."

I don't argue. His mind is made up and all I can do is trust him. It's simple, but for me, trusting is the hardest test of our relationship.

We hear the hum of the vacuum cleaner in the living room. Without a word, Brayden stands and heads in that direction. He approaches my mother and places his hand over hers as she pushes the machine back and forth.

"I'll do that."

Mom shuts it off, silencing the room. "It's fine, you don't need to."

He nods. "I do. Please, I want to."

I watch him do all he can to help my mother clean up. When he finishes vacuuming, he plumps the throw pillows on the couch. I feel Jessica's arm wrap around my shoulder.

"Looks like you found yourself Mr. Mom."

"Joke all you want, but if he's willing to help with chores, that's less that you'll have to do."

"Kenzie, don't give him a hard time tonight. He's hurt. He needs some space to process."

I bite my lip. "I know. I'm just scared she'll be there."

Jess shrugs. "And if she is? Didn't he prove he wants
you
? What more do you want him to do? Besides, isn't it better to find out sooner rather than later?"

I know she's right. And I know I let fear drive me long enough. No more. I want control of my life back. This is the perfect time to take it and prove to Brayden that I've changed and that I trust in him and our future.

Brayden stays another hour before leaving. While he continues insisting he's fine, I know he isn't or else he wouldn't be so dead set on staying at Carlos' house. I don't push. I don't want to smother him.

He texts me in the morning promising to go home for a shower and a change of clothes as soon as he's sure his father left for work. He gives me a heads up that once he's done he'll pick me up so we can go see Father Mario.

Chapter 19

Wedding Bells

On the ride over to the church Brayden doesn't say much. I can't help but worry no matter what I do, that it's the wrong thing. If I say anything it can be construed as nagging, but if I continue to say nothing it can be misinterpreted as uncaring. The tension in the car is like a magic bean. It starts out small but continues to grow in depth and width, until like a huge beanstalk leading to clouds above; it becomes overbearing, expanding the distance between us.   

We sit in Father Mario's office in silence and wait for the priest to arrive. My mouth is dry. I wish I knew what to say to him.

"I love you," I offer.

"I love you, too."

"Are you sure you want to do this? It's okay if you change your mind." My hands cross over my stomach. "I'll keep it no matter what."

"Hey," he reaches over for my hand. I finally feel like I've broken through to him. "I don't want to marry you just because of the baby. I mean it fast tracked everything, but, Kenzie, don't you understand? It's like I lived in a desert my whole life. Only I didn't know the heat and sand were unbearable because I didn't know anything different existed. You, you're like an oasis giving me shade and water."

Overcome with emotion, I wipe at the tears slipping out of the corners of my eyes. No one ever said anything so beautiful to me. What makes it special is that I know  they're not just words. Brayden means it.

"I must say that was quite a declaration."

My head snaps in the direction of the door where Father Mario stands. I wonder how long he's been eavesdropping. Isn't there a rule in this place against spying on innocent people? Or does the fact that we're sinners negate our rights?

"I trust since you're back so soon, that you've finished everything?"

Brayden hands Father Mario the certificate proving we finished the class, along with the essays, and proof we received our sacraments.

"Mackenzie," he says as he skims through the pile in his hands, you've been raised Catholic," he muses.

I nod. "Are you surprised?"

"Actually I am. This makes things easier. The way you reacted when we first met, I had a feeling you were raised without religion at all."

"I was. I mean we never went to church or anything.."

He nods. "Do you have any objections to raising your children in our faith?"

I know what I have to say, and I will not screw this up. "No. No objections."    

"Wonderful. Let's schedule a time."

*

A ball of jumbled nerves ricochets in my chest. It's set. In two days, Friday morning, we're going to be married. Father Mario insists on a small wedding, he doesn’t want a large crowd under the circumstances, but it will be a bonafide, legal wedding nonetheless. Jessica will be my maid of honor and Dean will serve as the best man. In addition to our parents, we also agree on inviting Olivia and Josh.

There are no exotic flower arrangements, no photographer to chronicle the event. We need to keep things simple and plan to treat everyone to brunch after the ceremony. It's all we can afford. In truth, with the baby coming we can't even really afford that, but we want some sort of celebration, so that will have to do.

*

    I stand in the back of the church feeling like a princess. My dress isn't fancy and poufy the way I always imagined my wedding dress to look. We found it on the rack at one of the bridal discount stores. No need to spend a lot of money on a dress when we are having such a small wedding. It's not tailored to fit me perfectly, but it is a wedding dress.
My
wedding dress. And I am about to marry a prince. He must have been a prince in a past life, because aside from Brayden, the guys in this life just aren't that amazing.

Jessica and Olivia look stunning in the navy blue dresses we found. Not typical bridesmaid dresses; both girls will find use for them in the future. Olivia already told me she plans to wear hers for the formal her sorority will hold later in the year.

"Let me go tell them we're here." Jessica sashays out of the lobby and down the main aisle of the church.

I close my eyes to center myself, but it's impossible. I'm too giddy.

Father Mario comes to the back of the church to greet us, followed by Josh.

"Good morning, Mackenzie. You look beautiful." The priest smiles and the warmth of his eyes touch me. "Do you have any last minute questions or concerns?"

I shake my head. "Is he nervous?"

"I believe he's excited."

"So am I!"

"Then what do you say we get things started?"

Josh escorts my mother down the aisle, and Father Mario takes his place in front of the altar as the rest of us line up and wait anxiously in the back of the church. I resist the urge to peek. I want Brayden to get the full effect of seeing me approach in my dress.

My father offers me his arm as the music begins playing. Olivia stands in front of the doors waiting for Father Mario's signal to begin walking, while my father and I stand off to the side out of view.

"Are you sure about this?"

I turn to my father, a million emotions rolling through me. I'm grateful for all he's done and promises to continue to do for me, for us. I'm happy and nervous and all at the same time, I'm scared. I worry I won't be as good a parent to my child as my parents have been to me. I know whatever their shortcomings, they love Jessica and me. That is the key. Even when Jess thinks my parents are a pair of overbearing pains in the ass, they do what they do out of love for her. My free hand passes over my stomach. I realize for the first time I love this strange alien thing growing inside me. It's part me, part Brayden. How could I not love it? My eyes fill with tears of joy.

"I'm sure." I say with absolute confidence. While there is a part of me that is still terrified, I know in the end it will be okay. After all, Brayden promised.

Familiar music plays. I close my eyes and take a deep breath ready for the next phase of my life to begin.

*

Standing at the altar, my heart is racing. It's beating so hard I swear I can feel it in my fingertips. My eyes are glued to Brayden. I'm still stunned at the look in his eyes. He hasn't taken them off me since the moment I stepped into the aisle. I'm not used to seeing so much emotion in them. It's like all the love he's had stored away for me in his heart overflowed and seeped up into his eyes.

We're holding hands as Father Mario speaks. There's an electricity between us that could light up the entire east coast, and I wonder if our friends and family can feel it, too. I don't bother to glance in their direction. The only one I want to look at is Brayden, my handsome groom. I can't believe this is real, any of it. It's like I woke from a nightmare and found myself placed right in the middle of a fairy tale.

I hear what the priest is saying, but the words don't penetrate. They're like white noise, playing in the background, until he speaks of Victor Hugo and
Les Miserables.

"How right Mr. Hugo was when he so wisely wrote, 'To love another person is to see the face of God.'"

Now I turn and give him my full attention.

"And in getting to know Mackenzie and Brayden, I think that quote applies directly to them as it does to so many of us. And it is no coincidence that when I think of these two beautiful people, of this loving couple, that I should also think of a story that has stood the test of time. A story about love, forgiveness and redemption, where courage and character determine the paths of the individuals."

I feel the smile fade from my face as I listen, the words touching me deep inside, igniting a spark that had been stomped out long ago.

"Mackenzie and Brayden together have traveled on a path filled with love. That part was easy to walk. The sun shone down on them with all its brilliance. The pathway was clear. But then the road split, and they couldn't agree on which way to go. Each moved on alone, through dirt, and mud, and darkness. Neither was happy, and both wanted only to make sure the other was safe. They found the courage to fight their way through a shroud of trees, through a heaviness weighing down their feet, to move toward nothing but a tiny flicker of something bright in front of them. They had nothing, no reason to go on, but the faith that if they continued to plod on they could make their way back to each other. They struggled alone, until they found their way out into the light once more; into the warmth of the bright sun. And that brings us here today. To the point of redemption, where they are willing to put the past behind them, forgive each other their mistakes and start anew."

Brayden squeezes my hand, and I realize I'm so enthralled by Father Mario's words I'm lost in the moment. I meet his eyes again, tears of joy filling mine. This
is
a new beginning. In every sense of the word. A new beginning for each of us as individuals, and a new beginning for us as a family.
Our own family
.

"Let us stand by Mackenzie and Brayden, whatever may come. Let us travel along with them on this new path, and when the clouds arise, as they always do, let us be a reminder of the love and warmth shared here today. Let us help them remember the healing effects of the bright sun waiting for them when the storm eventually passes."

I'm so happy Father Mario agreed to marry us. I can't imagine a more beautiful ceremony, or one that felt more prepared just for us. It's time to exchange vows; Brayden takes my hand, repeats the words fed to him by the priest, and slips a simple band of white gold on my finger. If he had any reservations, or second thoughts, they've long since passed. I see nothing but pure joy radiating in his eyes.

It's my turn. I try to enhance each word I speak with the emotion in my heart. Although they've been said for centuries, I hope to say each vow as if for the first time, as if it has been written specifically for Brayden and I. I want him to feel my love drip off each syllable the way I feel his love pouring from his eyes.

"You may kiss the bride," Father Mario instructs.

The corners of Brayden's mouth curl up into a smile, his eyes hold an element of mischief as he steps forward. Lifting the veil from my face he whispers, "It's about time."

My entire body vibrates with excitement. I think I might explode before his lips meet mine. His hands find the back of my neck and pull me to him as he leans in for our very first kiss as husband and wife. Although I feel awkward, knowing we're doing this in church, in front of our parents, with everyone watching, happiness outweighs any other feeling. I have nothing to be embarrassed of; I'm just kissing my husband the way the priest instructed.

The small audience breaks out in cheers and claps as the music plays. It's time to head to the back of the church, this time on my husband’s arm instead of my father's. I know for the moment I must pull myself from his embrace, but I will never leave his side.