What was so wrong with her,
and what is so right with me? I can’t believe I’m even questioning this, but I
can’t help it.
What will people think when
they see us together? At one week into our relationship, this is still new so
we’ve had little exposure, but what will people think as Dane and I become
common knowledge? What did the lady in the bar think? I hate the idea of people
thinking
Poor her, does she know what she’s getting herself into?
or
What
is she doing with him? Doesn’t she realize it will never last?
I might be like the lady in
the bar in a couple of weeks.
Am I humiliating myself by
being with him?
Dane gently squeezes my
hand. “You okay?” he asks, glancing at me.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I lie. I’m
not sharing my thoughts with him. They’re mine, for only me.
He curls his arm around my
shoulders, pulling me into his side, and I slip mine around his waist. Now this
is irritating and difficult. I adore the feel of his firm, muscular torso
encased by my arm and I can smell his faint cologne. Even better, but more
torturous in this frame of mind, I’m aware of the scent beneath the artificial
fragrance, the one Dane owns, the one that makes me feel comforted and good. I
don’t know why, but it does, and I’ve missed not going to sleep and waking up
surrounded by it. I went straight home on Thursday night and last night from
the theater. We spoke before sleeping, but today is the first time we’ve seen
each other since Thursday morning.
The way Dane’s holding me
says he wants me close, but I’ve still got
her
in the bar in my head and
the word ‘why?’
We arrive outside the main
door to my place, and it hits me that Dane is going back to the guys and
Saffron – back to the same bar with
her
. Great, I really needed
something else to add to my questioning. Will he talk to her when I’m not
there? Was it because of me that he walked past her like he didn’t know her? It
would absolutely burn me if a guy I’d been with did that to me.
It would more than burn me
if
Dane
did that to me.
Standing in front of me,
with his hands on my hips, Dane pulls me up against him. “Tell me what’s on
your mind?” He slides my glasses up onto my head.
“Nothing.” He stares into my
eyes, silently, waiting. “I really am fine, just thinking about tonight’s show.
You should get back to the others.” I put on my best smile, which is a skill
I’m quite good at.
Dane kisses me, and my
thoughts and sudden concerns seem to slip away. I respond and deep inside I
feel desperate.
I want him. All of him.
Being near Dane, touching
him and breathing him in makes it impossible for me to desire anything but
being with him. I need some distance so I can think. I need to get rid of these
things on my mind.
When we stop kissing, I
don’t want to let go. I want to ask him to stay. I want to cling to him like my
life depends on it. But that’s
not
okay, so I
need
him to go.
Before he turns to walk
away, he hugs me tight and in his usual way squeezes me before letting go.
As I enter the building, I
wonder if the hug I believed was meant for only me has been dished out to many
other women. Including
her
in the bar.
After the show I turned off my mobile phone and came
straight home. I was supposed to go to Dane’s, but I can’t deal with my head in
his presence. Irrespective of what I feel for him, I have to decide if I should
get out of this relationship whilst I still can. I’m not usually a paranoid,
self-doubting woman who lacks self-esteem to the point that I question why a
man wants to be with me, so I need to determine if it’s healthy for me to be
with Dane. I’ve never been the jealous type, I hate it, and I don’t want to go
down that ugly road.
Something else that
strengthens my resolve to seriously reconsider my involvement with Dane is that
I feel too much too soon and, as far as I’m concerned, it puts me at a
disadvantage, less in control.
Maybe I should get out
whilst I still can.
Once I’m changed for bed,
even though all I want to do is bury myself under my duvet, I go to speak to
Kayla about seeing Gerard. She still seems to get quite upset about him, so I
chose not to do this before the show. I don’t want to upset her further by asking,
so I won’t, but I do wonder exactly how deep her feelings went for him.
I knock on her door and peep
into the room. She’s already in bed, but awake with her side light still on.
“Can I speak to you quickly before you go to sleep?”
“Sure, come on in,” she
says, patting the bed for me to join her.
I sit leaning back against
the headboard. “I just thought you should know I saw Gerard today. Saffron,
Adam and Joe came to the shop when I was there and we all went to a bar. Whilst
we were there Gerard showed up.”
Her expression as she looks
up at me is soft, which I didn’t expect. “I knew you’d see him again
eventually. You don’t need to worry if that’s what’s been bugging you all
night. Our friendship is separate from your relationship with Dane, and Gerard
has nothing to do with us whatsoever.” Her voice was as gentle as her
expression.
“Yeah, I know. It was
awkward. We only said hello to each other. I don’t see us ever having an actual
conversation.”
“I still can’t believe you
and Dane are together.”
“I know, I keep thinking
that as well. I saw someone today who I think he had a thing with. She was
gorgeous. Do you know many of the women he’s been with?”
“I know some in a friend of
a friend way, but Dane and I don’t really associate with the same people beyond
his sister and the mutual friends she and I have.”
“Are they attractive?”
“Not smokin’ like you,” she
says, and I smile at her sweet compliment, which is of course going to be bias.
“Are you worried about him being faithful?”
“No. If that was the case I
could easily tell him to get lost. I even think he’d end it with me if he
wanted someone else. That’s the type of person he is. This might sound silly,
but I keep wondering why he wants to be with me when there’ve been so many
others. There must’ve been good things about some of them.”
“There’s obviously something
unique about you
that attracts him on a deeper level. It would’ve been
physical for him at first, it is for most of us, and then the person you are
made him yours. He connects with you in ways he hasn’t with all those other
women.” She raises her shoulders in a casual shrug.
I slide down to lie beside
her and turn onto my side with my arm folded under my head. Kayla positions
herself on her side as well, facing me. I’m in two minds whether to be open
about my feelings for Dane. Part of me wants to pretend they don’t exist to the
degree that they do.
Kayla smiles sweetly. “So
you like him a lot, huh?”
“Yeah, I do, but after
earlier I can’t help wondering why he wants
me.
I didn’t realize until
today how scared of getting hurt I am, and I wonder if it’s inevitable with
him.”
“If I’d been through what
you have, I’d be scared too. I admire you for moving on with your life, you’re
doing great, but maybe you’re not emotionally ready for a relationship yet?”
“What I want is to be enough
for him, Kayla. I just don’t know if I am or can be.”
Reaching forward, she tucks
my hair behind my ear and sighs thoughtfully. “Dane’s your man. How many of
those others could say that? You are enough and more, missy. Please don’t think
like that.”
I’m finding it impossible
not to think like that.
“I was meant to go to his
place tonight. I sent him a text saying I’d be staying here and I’ll call him
tomorrow. Then I turned off my phone in case he called me after reading it. I
feel so guilty, but I’m not ready to tell him my concerns, or be around him –
or
with
him – and act like nothing’s wrong.”
“And you shouldn’t. If you need to think about things
and have some time on your own, then that’s what you do. The only person you
owe anything to is yourself, but I’ll bet Dane’s crazy about you. What guy
wouldn’t be?”
****
It’s early Sunday evening and I finally drum up the
nerve to turn on my phone. I feel like crap for avoiding Dane for this long,
but I still don’t know what to do. He came to my apartment earlier, and I made
Kayla say I was out with Leona. I feel sick with myself for doing that, but I
just couldn’t face him. He must be keen to speak to me if he showed up here.
That must be a good sign.
Obviously it means he gives
a damn.
It’s time to face him now, I
can’t avoid him forever. Sitting on the floor, I lean back against my bed with
my mobile now on. I see that I have a cheeky joke text from my brother and
three voicemails. They’re from Dane. One is from late last night, one is from
this morning, and the other is from, if going by the time, shortly after he
came here this afternoon. The first two messages are general, just questioning
where I am and if I’m okay. From the third it’s clear to him that I have a
problem. He probably already suspected that, but coming here would’ve confirmed
it. Now I feel avoiding him was a mistake, because I have to answer for myself.
After pressing ‘call’, my
heart attempts to thump its way out of my chest.
“Brooklyn,” he answers, on
the second ring, his tone giving me no indication whether he’s annoyed at me or
happy to hear from me.
“Hi,” I say, feeling
awkward. “I’m sorry we haven’t spoken.” I wish I didn’t feel this combination
of guilt and nerves. The guilt I deserve, but the nerves make it difficult for
me to speak.
“What’s up?” I can ‘hear’
the frown accompanying his question.
“I just ... needed to
think.” Drawing my heels to my bottom, I hug my knees to my chest with my free
arm.
“About?” I’m sure there’s a
deeper furrow to his brow now.
I sigh, uncomfortable.
“Yesterday.” I seem to have lost my full vocabulary.
“You need to do better than
this, Brooklyn. What’s going on with you?”
“Okay.” I pause. “Did you
see that lady in the bar? The one who was sitting at the table by the door?” It
shouldn’t be necessary for me to explain which one out of the two ladies that
was there.
“I expect you mean Clarissa.
Yes, I did.” I can tell a question mark belongs after the “Yes I did.”
Time to be
honest, Brooklyn.
“I saw her looking at us. I
don’t doubt that you two have a history, and I don’t doubt that she still has
an interest in you. I didn’t like the scenario. I didn’t like ...” I sigh
again. “It made me question why you’re with me. And why you didn’t want to be with
her or any of the other women you’ve had fleeting whatevers with. I don’t like
it and I’m not sure I can be with you. I feel insecure and I’m questioning why
you want me. That’s not my style, Dane. I don’t know if it’s healthy for me to
be thinking like this.” I swallow. I still feel guilty, but at least it’s out
there.
“You’ve avoided me because
you don’t know why I want to be with you?” He sounds dumbfounded. “You’re still
unsure about me, even now?”
“I wasn’t unsure until
yesterday. I just don’t get it, Dane, I know it probably sounds ridiculous, we
both have a past and I can accept that, I really can, it’s just,” and all of a
sudden, what I’m saying sounds even more stupid to me.
We’ve been together one
week, and I’m complicating things. Deep down, I don’t have a problem with him
having a past, and he’s never held back on anything I’ve asked him. He didn’t
even hesitate when he said Clarissa’s name. What the heck do I say now? This
just got a lot more embarrassing.
I rest my chin on my knees
and squeeze my eyes shut. “I’m being silly, aren’t I?”
“I want you to come here,”
he says, his tone soft, but certain. He hangs up on me.
I’m stunned for a moment,
and sit staring at the screen of my phone. A part of me is tempted to rebel and
refuse to follow his
order
. But I messed up, so maybe he’s entitled to
call the shots on this occasion. Only this once, though.
I jump up and quickly throw
on a black oversized knit jumper, which I wear as a dress, along with some
black over the knee socks. I’m out the door within five minutes of our call
ending.
When I pull up in my car,
outside Dane’s block, my nerves have me pinned to the seat. I can’t believe I
avoided him like a silly teenager and now I have to see him face-to-face. He’s
a thirty-three year old man, for heaven’s sake. If only we’d concluded things
when we spoke, then I could pretend I didn’t behave the way I have.
Eventually I make myself
move. Through the intercom, Dane again gives me no indication whether he’s
annoyed or okay with me. That does nothing to ease my anxiety, I was hoping for
a hint at least. Standing in the lift, I push the button for the fourth floor.
I don’t know what I’m going to say, other than sorry. He knows my reasons, even
if they do seem ridiculous now.
The upwards motion halts and
the doors start to open. I almost jump out of my skin when I see Dane standing
directly across from me. He’s leaning back against the wall, dressed only in
black jeans.
Unexpectedly, the feeling of
fear forms a heavy weight in the pit of my stomach and anchors me in place. I
can’t make my muscles move, they’re none responsive. I haven’t seen that look
in his eyes before. I don’t know what it means, but it’s intense.
He’s definitely unimpressed
with my actions, and more so than it came across on the phone or through the
intercom.
With effort, I pull my gaze
away from his and take in his posture; the set of his shoulders, the placement
of his arms at his sides, his hands, his fingers.
All relaxed.
The only thing out of place
is the look in his eyes, but he’s otherwise calm and familiar.
His stare isn’t even aggressive, I notice as I take it
in a second time. There’s something there, some kind of emotion, but nothing to
stop me quickly reaching out and pushing the button to keep the doors open as
they start to close.
Gripping the strap of my
bag, I walk forward feeling braver than I did a moment ago. I stop a foot away
from Dane. I yelp with surprise as he grabs my jumper at the center of my
chest, into his fist, and pulls me to him, pressing his lips to mine. With his
other hand he clasps my hair at the back of my head. It’s impossible not to
kiss him back.
His scent. His taste. Him.
It was utterly insane of me
to think I could stay away from this man.
With his mouth still glued
to mine, and our tongues locked in a passionate battle, Dane turns us, my back
now to the wall. Reaching under my jumper-dress, he seizes my crotch firmly.
I’m overwhelmed by the sheer force of him, the degree of his want. As he starts
to yank my underwear down, my mind is split between; shit, he’s going to fuck
me out here –
out here
– and, yes, bring it on right now.
I comply and speedily step
out of my knickers when they make it to my ankles. Slipping his hand between my
thighs, he raises my right leg and hooks it over his forearm. I instinctively
tighten my hold around his neck, and in a matter of seconds Dane’s other arm is
under my left thigh, hoisting me up, and he’s shoving his cock into me. I bite
down too late to prevent my gasp at his sudden, full entry. Oh-my-fucking-word!
I welcome his deep thrusts
as he fucks me hard against the wall, muffling my moans with tightly pressed
lips whilst praying the neighbors don’t come out. This isn’t the kind of
make-up sex I’ve had before, this feels like a
fucking argument
; frustrated,
angry, disappointed and passionate.
Time – I don’t know how long
– passes. Dane’s strength astounds me, the muscles in his back, shoulders and
arms are solid as he holds me in place. I’m aware we haven’t said a single word
to each other. Hopefully this means we can pretend none of the other stuff
happened – and this is dealing with it.
I feel the build-up of
sensations in my clit. Clinging to him desperately, I climax silently.
With his semi-suppressed, sexy as hell grunt, Dane
comes inside me and it’s as though he can’t get deep enough to complete the
act. This is the first time we’ve had sex since the messy finish to something
that started off beautiful a few nights ago, so this is the first time he’s
come inside me.