Reluctant Guardian (14 page)

Gram faces me with a proud grin. “Yes. That is exactly what you should do. I'm so proud of you, Alisa. You've grown so much.”

“You think?”

“Oh, yes. You're doing wonderfully.” She takes my face in her hands and kisses me, then draws me in for a hug. “I'll see you again soon.”

I smile and squeeze back. “I love you so much.”

 

~New Resolve~

Brecken

 

Brecken stares at the empty space where Alisa just stood. She's gone. Just like that. Just like always.

Somehow, she has gotten under his skin, and his desire to make her leave is wavering. And then what does she do? She leaves of her own accord when he
doesn't
want her to. He kind of likes having her around... just to hear her sarcastic comments that make him laugh, not that he would ever admit it to her.

But he can tell she is holding back, not wanting to share her story. He understands. He feels the same way most of the time. The less people know, the easier life is. But Alisa makes him want to talk, to share. He wants to unburden his heartache, his worries, to her. He feels she might understand, that she'll be there for him, just like she said. Can he trust her? He wants to.

He thinks back to their last moment. The sadness in her eyes and the slump of her shoulders as she disappeared. She's hurting. He can feel it, and he wants to help her to heal.

A part of him forgives her for leaving when things get uncomfortable. But another part of him grows irritated. It seems that leaving is her answer to everything. For once, he'd like to see her be strong, the way she always nags him to be.

The hypocrisy of their situation slaps him hard in the face. She wants him to turn his life around and be a “good boy,” yet she has some serious issues she won't admit or confront either, let alone talk to him about.

The more he thinks about it, the more frustrating it gets. He'll tell her exactly what he thinks when she comes back. But right now, he needs to focus on his sisters. He doesn't want to ruin their day with a bad attitude. His mother's sweet voice and calming words come to mind. “Wherever you go, no matter the weather, always bring your own sunshine.” She'd heard it somewhere and had loved it, repeating it to them daily. He couldn't forget the quote even if he tried.

He forces a smile and calls to his sisters. “Get your stuff, guys. It's time to go.” They'll go to the zoo, eat hot dogs, watch the elephants, and have a wonderful time. Brecken intends to force himself to have fun, to be fun, to laugh and act like he hasn't a care in the world... for his sisters.

 

~A Day at the Zoo~

Alisa

 

With a sigh, I appear in the backseat of an old Ford Taurus. Their mom's old car. I sit beside Sophie as she holds a doll and whispers to herself as she plays. Heidi and Brecken sit in the front, neither saying much. After a few minutes, we pull up to a beautiful, red brick home with three white gables and a black front door that gleams in the sun. Lovely shrubbery decorates the yard and walkway. The house oozes money. I almost expect a doorman to appear.

“Just one sec,” Heidi says, jumping out of the car. “I'll get her.”

A moment later, a girl Heidi's age bounds out the front door, her blonde A-line surrounding her creamy-white face. She wears expensive clothes I recognize. The kind I
used
to wear. Sketchers, Abercrombie and Fitch shorts, an Aeropostale t-shirt. A cute little clutch hangs over one shoulder.

I miss clothes like that.

“Hi Madison!” Sophie calls from the back seat.

The door opens beside me and Heidi slides in, pushing me to the middle, letting Madison sit in front beside Brecken. The girl stares at him, and I can't help but giggle at her obvious infatuation.

Brecken's head whips around, searching for the creator of that giggle. I duck down, not that it matters. It's too bright for him to see me. Although I'm pretty sure he senses me in the back seat.

“What's the matter, Breck?” Heidi asks. “Who are you looking for?”

He catches her eye and shakes his head. “Just thought I saw... a car coming. No big deal.”

Heidi turns and looks out the back window. “Well, let's go before it gets too hot.”

***

A fresh breeze blows softly as we meander along the Zoo's winding paths. I stay behind, following in Brecken's wake, watching the dynamics of this little family. Tall trees sway and aromatic flowers grow with abundance. The reptile building smells musky, the sour odor surrounding us like a cloud. Even in my spirit state, I can smell it.

I watch Brecken, amazed at the way he treats his sisters—so patient, so... nice. Granted, my brothers mostly treated me the same way, but Brecken... well, he just doesn't look the type. He looks like the guy who will snarl and hiss if you get too close.

I step close—so close I can smell his cologne. I take a deep whiff, liking whatever it is he wears, wishing I could smell it better. He turns, hearing my inhalation, but doesn't say anything.

I can still hear Heidi saying, “
Did you take your pill?
”

What will he do if I tease him like I used to tease my own brothers, I wonder, feeling playful. I miss that lighthearted bantering and want to have a little fun. I place my hand on top of his head and try to ruffle his hair. I can't really mess it up. I don't know how to move objects—if that's even possible, but Brecken knows I'm there.

He swirls around, dropping Sophie's hand, accidentally smacking Madison on the arm.

“Ow!” she howls. “What are you doing?”

He searches the area, smoothing his hair. “Nothing. It was... my hair's messy.”

“I don't think your hair could get any messier,” Heidi says with a derisive chuckle.

“Very funny,” he says.

“I like your hair, Brecken. I think it's cool.” Madison grins up at him with eyes of adoration. She sidles up, standing closer than necessary.

Once we start walking again, I take Brecken's hand in mine. This was my favorite thing to do with my older brother, Derek. He'd always try to shake away, irritated. I loved embarrassing him. Just like I suspect, Brecken jumps and tries to shake me away. I laugh in spite of myself. He dances around looking like an acrobat.

The girls stop and stare.

When Brecken realizes he is the center of attention, he stops, taking a deep breath. “I'm going to the restroom. I'll catch up to you at the giraffes.”

The girls scowl and walk off without him. Madison is clearly disappointed.

“Oh man. That was funny!” I laugh and slap my knee. “You should have seen your face.” I do my best impression of him, dancing around, shaking my contaminated hand.

“Cute. Real cute and very mature.” He walks the other way, a few four-letter words drifting on the air back to me.

“Oh, come on, Brecken. I was just playing.”

“No. You're trying to make me look stupid, like I really
do
need medication, and I don't like it.” He stares hard in my direction.

I stick out my chin. “Fine. Be a baby. Whatever.”

Brecken's eyes squint and he walks away.

I follow. “Geez. I just wanted to have some fun. I miss my brothers. That's all. I didn't mean to make you mad.”

He stops abruptly and turns. “You have brothers?”

“Uh, yeah.”

“Really?” He crosses his arms over his chest. “What are their names?”

Does he not believe me? Does he think I'm lying? Why does he even care? These aren't questions a charge is supposed to ask their guardian. Charges aren't even supposed to
see
their guardian! This whole thing isn't right. “Tyler and Derek,” I say, finally.

“Uh huh. Older or younger?”

With a sigh, I say, “Ty is twelve and Derek is eighteen. There. Happy?”

He smiles and continues up the trail. “For the moment.”

“So, there are three kids in your family?” I ask, wanting to learn as much about him as I can. Siblings seem like a safe place to start since he asked about mine.

“Yep.”

“And your mom died?”

I'm rewarded with a nod.

“I'm really sorry, Breck. My mom almost died the other day too. If I hadn't been there to—”

“What? When? Before you died or since you've been here with me?”

“Uh, since I came to be with you,” I answer honestly.

“Wow,” he says. “I never thought about you people having families. Weird.”

“Well, I did have a life before you, you know. We don't just sit up there on pink clouds playing harps.”

A wry smile slides onto his face. “Good thing. All us mortals would go deaf.”

“Hey!” I say, laughing. “I took piano lessons my whole life. I rock on the piano.” I fold my arms across my chest, daring him to argue.

“I'd like to see that,” he says softly. “Really.”

The mood changes so quickly that I'm at a loss for words, but I want to share my latest dramas with someone. “Oh, Brecken. It was so cool seeing my family again. I miss them so much, but they're really screwed up, and I think it's my fault.” I shouldn't share these things, and there's nothing he can do to help anyway, but I'm so lonely for a friend who might understand.

We stop under a gnarled tree and sit on a bench at the gorilla's encampment.

“I can see you,” he says, in wonder reaching out to touch me. “Tell me about your death, Alisa. Please. I want to know.” It's the pleading in his voice gets me. But does he want to know about
my
death, or death in general? I figure it's death in general
.
Because of his mom.

Facing him, I study his features for sincerity, and place my hand on his. His concern washes over me. I've never felt these emotions from anyone besides my family and Natty. How wonderful to feel it from him too.

“Well... I guess the only way to say it, is to say it right out.” I take a deep breath and jump, figuratively speaking. “I killed myself.”

“You... killed yourself?” He leans away in surprise. “Why would you do that?” He frowns, his expression going from astonishment, to horror, to anger. “So many people with horrible diseases are fighting to live. How could you do that to your family?” His expression turns from anger to disgust. Shock zings through me, and I can't think of a thing to say. This is not the reaction I anticipated.

“I thought you'd died of cancer or something.” He stands up and paces in a circle. “I can't believe it.”

“My best friend died of cancer a few months before me. My Grandmother, who I was super close to, died before that. I couldn't deal with it. You don't know.” I plead for him to understand, my arms outstretched.

“That's just... selfish.”

He stares at me in astonishment, and I stare back, unable to move. The rejection burns like hot wax, slowly melting my confidence. Any feelings Brecken and I have developed up to this point are gone, and what I get from him now is contempt. I have no words for how much it hurts.

“I can't have a guardian angel who committed suicide,” he whispers angrily. “I'm barely making it as it is! What help could you possibly be? You couldn't even handle your
own
life.”

He's right. I don't know anything. I hadn't known how to live myself. I'd copped out. Given up. I'm a failure, and now I'm supposed to show Brecken the way?

“I... I'm sorry,” I murmur.

He jerks away and storms down the path without looking back.

 

~Running Away~

Alisa

 

I don't go home. I can't. No one is there anyway. I'm not sure where my brothers are, but I don't feel like looking for them. Instead, I picture Gram—her blue eyes, her white hair, her loving face. But instead of appearing at her side, I appear in
Idir Shaol
. Back to the place I most want to leave.

I hurry to my cottage, wondering if they've given my bed away. As soon as I see my familiar blue and white quilt, relief floods through me. I fall onto the bedspread, hiding my face in its downy softness.

It isn't long before I feel a warm hand on my back.

“Alisa?”

I'm so embarrassed to be caught blubbering once again. “Shana?” Her soft expression and loving concern do me in and emotion gets the better of me. I start to cry.

She puts her arms around me and pulls me close. “What happened?”

“I can't do this. It's too hard. You have no idea. It's impossible. There's no way I can help him. I can't even help myself. Plus, he can
see
me and hear me too. Can you believe that?” I ramble on, complaining, crying, and generally feeling sorry for myself. When I finish, Shana brushes my hair back and smiles.

“He can see you? Wow. That's not normal, but... cool.”

“It's
not
cool. It makes it really hard. How am I supposed to influence him when he can ask me questions right back? He asked me how I died.”

“He did? What did you say?” Her face lights with interest and she slides closer.

I take a long breath, searching her eyes. “The truth. I told him the truth. I thought we were becoming friends. That he would understand. He didn't.”

“Oh, Alisa. I'm so sorry.” She hugs me again. “But you haven't failed yet. It's not uncommon for guardians to come back to
Idir Shaol
for various reasons during their assignment. Sometimes guardians need help or advice from Raphael.”

“Really? How come no one ever told
me
that?” I can't believe they'd leave me in the dark about something so crucial. I thought I was totally on my own, and now betrayal hovers around me like an itchy blanket even though I try to push it away.

She laughs and socks me gently in the arm like Natty used to. “Anaita talked about it during class. Remember?”

No. I don't remember. What a surprise.

“Come on,” she says. “Let's go see Raphael.”

***

Raphael
reclines in his office chair, his fingers intertwined over his stomach. His serious expression does little to help me feel better, and he doesn't say anything. Just waits for me to talk.