Remember (17 page)

I stared at the paper, but the words were blurring together. That was when I realized I was crying. No loud sobs, just tears running silently down my face.

“He’s using you to help his sister. The two of them are looking to get some kind of revenge for their brother. Don’t get me wrong, what happened to his brother is a tragedy, but four doctors and a team of lawyers have been over his case. Neurotech isn’t to blame. They can’t prove a thing, so they’re looking for another way to take me down, and they planned to do it through you. He sucked up to you, pretended to be your friend, pretended to like you so that he could get the justice he thinks he’s owed. The whole thing is a setup.” His voice dripped disgust.

“I didn’t know,” I whispered. My eyes stayed on the paper, trying to rearrange the letters so they would say something else, so things would make sense again. I’d known it was a risk to trust him, but I hadn’t really believed he would betray me.
Everyone in my life lies.

“If what happened to you as a child comes out, we could lose everything. This house, the company, our family. I’d go to
prison,” Dad said.

I looked up, surprised.

“How do you think the police would view me using experimental treatment on a child, on my own child? It wasn’t approved for children at that time. They’re not going to believe it was about doing the best for you. It will destroy the company. There’s no coming back from that kind of public relations nightmare. Not to mention what the federal regulators would do. We’d be buried under red tape for years.” He sighed. He suddenly looked tired to me, and older, as if he’d aged ten years during the conversation. “I know you’re mad at me and I understand why, but I can’t believe you honestly want to destroy this family and everything I worked to build my entire life.”

I felt hollowed out. I’d been so sure Neil liked me, but it had all been a lie. My family was a lie. Josh lied. I didn’t have the energy to fight anymore. “What do you need me to do?”

Dad leaned forward. “You need to cut off all contact with Neil. Without your cooperation there’s a chance this whole story dries up.”

“Okay.” My voice was barely loud enough to be heard.

He patted my hands on the desk. “Don’t worry. We’ve moved on from worse, and we can move on from this. We’ll put this behind us and pretend it never happened.”

chapter twenty-nine

I
sat in the car trying to convince myself that I had the energy to get through the school day. The cliché would be that I’d been so crushed to discover that Neil was using me that I’d cried myself to sleep. My problem was that while I had done plenty of crying, the sleep part had been a bit harder to come by. I was beyond exhausted when I finally gave up and got out of bed. My brain appeared to be too small for my skull. My eyes felt as if I’d rolled them in sand and grit. When blinking hurts, you know it isn’t going to be a good day.

I was mad at myself for never really having questioned Neil or his motivations. I knew he hated my dad’s company. He’d told me how much his brother meant to him, and not once had I ever really questioned if he was being honest. I thought I was so clever that I checked on my dad’s marriage license, but I’d
never checked into Neil’s history. I took everything he said as true. It was more than that; I’d wanted what he said to be true, like some little kid lying in bed wanting to know her bedtime story had a happy ending. I wanted him to be my prince, who was going to sweep me up and make everything okay. I was graduating soon. In theory I should have been an adult, and instead I acted like a kid.

There was one more thing to do before I headed into school. I’d spent part of my time awake the night before trying to figure out what to say. I’d practiced different conversations in my head, but couldn’t find the right words. Sometime around five a.m. I’d decided that was because there weren’t words that would make it right. I’d decided to wing it.

Neil’s phone went direct to voice mail. I couldn’t decide if I was happy about being able to dodge talking to him, or disappointed to miss hearing what he had to say.

I waited for the beep and then took a breath hoping the words would come. “It’s me. Guess what I discovered? That reporter who’s been chasing after my dad? She’s your sister. ’Course, I imagine you already knew that. I was the only one who didn’t know. You should have told me.” My voice caught, and I paused to get control. “I thought you were—I thought we—” My voice cut off again. “Guess I’m learning all the time that the world isn’t the nice place I thought. I learned that from you, so I guess I did get something out of our relationship. I got the lesson, so you don’t need to ever call me again.”

I clicked off the phone and rested my head on the steering
wheel. The only thing I wanted to do was sleep. There was a huge band of pressure around my head, like I’d stuffed it in a vise and kept turning the crank. The first bell rang in the distance. Maybe I could miss the first hour and take a quick catnap in the car.

A tap on the window made me jump. Josh stood outside the car, peering in.

“You okay?” he asked.

I stared at him through the window. I grabbed my bag and got out of the car. “Bad night.” I headed into the building. I’d checked one thing off my list, but I wasn’t interested in tackling this so early in the day. I needed to wake up.

Josh trailed a step behind me. “I was thinking we could maybe grab something to eat after school.”

“I’m not really feeling that great.” I flung open my locker and grabbed my history text out of it. I wanted him to give me some space, but he was stuck to my side.

“I could come over to your place, make you some of that ginger tea my mom always makes.”

“No thanks. I need sleep more than anything else.” I slammed my locker shut.

“Tell you what, if you’re that tired, why don’t you talk to the nurse and head home? I’ll talk to your teachers and get any homework and bring it by later.” Josh was still one step behind me as I walked down the hall.

My shoulders hunched up around my ears. “Don’t make me say it,” I said over my shoulder.

He touched my elbow. “Say what?”

I whirled around. “I don’t want you to come over.” I stepped closer so I was inches from his face. “I don’t want you in my house. I don’t want to see you.”

A few people near us turned to look at us, sensing drama in the air. I spun on my heel and stormed off.

“No you don’t.” Josh chased after me. “You can’t say something like that and not explain yourself.”

“Hey, you guys,” Win called out. She stopped when she saw our faces. “Whoa. Is everything okay?”

Josh threw his hands up in the air. “I have no idea. You need to ask her.”

“You want an explanation, Josh? Why don’t you tell Win how you’ve been spying on me for my dad.”

Win’s mouth made a silent O.

“I didn’t—” Josh started.

I cut him off before he could add to the lies piling up around me, burying me alive. “My dad told me.”

Josh’s shoulders slumped. He looked smaller. “I was worried about you; I was trying to help.”

“I used to think the best of everyone, you know. There was a time that if you said that, I would have been mad, annoyed at you, but I would have accepted that you did it because you care. I want to believe that, but I don’t know if I do anymore.”

“Why else would I? You’ve been different ever since you had the procedure.” Josh’s face was blotchy and red.

“Don’t lie to yourself, too. You did it to get in good with
my dad. Maybe he framed it that you were doing it for me. He gave you an excuse to do it, but in your heart you did it because you wanted his approval. Well, congrats. You got it. All it cost you is me.”

“That’s crazy,” Josh said, but he didn’t meet my eyes.

“No, it isn’t. You always wanted to be like him. I suppose the good news is that you are. My dad isn’t a bad guy, but he’s really comfortable with making things gray. As long as there’s a good reason, a greater good, it means everything’s on the table. He can do anything and not feel bad.”

Win’s eyes darted back and forth between us.

“Win, talk to her. Tell her she’s being ridiculous,” Josh begged.

Win backed up a step. “Oh no. I don’t think I should be mucking about in the middle of this one.”

“Having Win talk to me isn’t going to make a difference. This is a decision I made myself. It’s not up for a group vote. We can’t be together. At least not the way we were.”

Josh ran his fingers through his hair. It looked like he was going to start grabbing handfuls and yanking it out. “I can’t believe you’re saying this. We talked about sort of backing off. I shouldn’t have pushed you about coming over.”

I shook my head. “No. That was before I knew what happened. Now that I know, there’s no going back.”

“This is so you can date that guy, isn’t it?” Josh’s face flushed red.

A rush of shame filled my chest. I should have broken it off with Josh before now, but he had no business getting on his
high horse. “I don’t have to justify myself to you. This is about me not wanting to date someone who lies to me. Who takes my secrets and runs to my dad with them,” I spit out.

“You’ve never liked that your dad and I got along so well.” Josh looked ready to cry. I opened my mouth to say something, but he cut me off before I could speak. “You’re afraid that I’m more the kid he always wanted. Someone who understands, hell, someone who is at least interested in, what he does. He likes me better than you, and you can’t stand that.”

Win’s eye grew wider.

“Get out of my way,” I said, my voice a low rumble. I could feel the rage inside me building. He was right. At some level, maybe, I’d kept Josh around because I knew it was a way to get my dad’s approval. I certainly wasn’t getting it on my own. It would be a cold day in hell before I admitted it to him.

I could see that Josh wanted to say something else, but I couldn’t tell if it would be an apology or another insult. Instead he turned around and marched stiffly down the hall. I slumped against the closest locker. It felt like someone had let the air out and I was going to deflate like a balloon the day after a birthday party. I could picture myself flat and limp, lying on the floor.

“Didn’t see that coming,” Win said, her voice soft.

“Story of my life.” I sighed. “Wanna hear another shocker? Neil’s sister is that reporter who has been hunting down the story on my dad’s company. He was using me to get info for her.”

I was glad Win looked as shocked as she did. It made me feel like I hadn’t been a complete loser for not suspecting him.

“How did you find out?”

“My dad told me.” I managed to pull up a small smile. “I ended up confronting him the way you wanted.”

“Based on how this turned out, I guess this means you’re not going to take my advice anymore,” Win said.

“I’m going to take some of your original advice and give love a pass for a while. No more guys. No more dating. Instead I’ll hang around you and Kyle and make fun of the two of you for being all lovey-dovey.”

Win tossed her hands in the air. “We should skip class and go to Walmart to load up on bottled water and canned goods. If I’m the optimist who believes in love, then it has to be a sign of the end of the world. It’s just a matter of time until there’s famine, volcanoes, maybe some zombies.”

“Religious statues flinging themselves from their alcoves to take people out.”

Win threw her arm around me. The vanilla smell of her Tom Ford perfume filled my head and made me feel slightly better. “Stick with me. There’s no reason to lose faith in the world. Our buddy Saint Tom blessed me, and I’m going to pass it along. Besides, I happen to be an excellent zombie killer. I’ve got your back,” she said.

I felt better for the first time in over a day. Life might be full of lousy things and people who’ll stab you in the back, but never underestimate the value of a good friend. It gives you something to believe in.

chapter thirty

S
pecial delivery,” Laura called out.

I stopped inside the barn door. “What?”

“You got some mail.” She waved an envelope back and forth.

I walked toward her carefully as if I expected it to blow up. “Who sent me something?”

Laura laughed. “How would I know? I’m nosy, but not so nosy that I’d open your letter.” She nodded toward the door. “You come by to take one of the horses out? Dallas was out earlier, but Star could use a run.”

“I came in to condition my saddle. I started to clean it the other day, but didn’t finish.”

Laura frowned. “Did one of the grooms not do a good job?”

I shook my head. The last thing I needed was to get someone
in trouble. “No, I just felt like giving it a good clean.” She nodded. Laura understood I needed a project.

Laura passed me the envelope. I saw my name on the front. There was no address or stamp; it must have been dropped off personally. “Use the Amerigo conditioner. That saddle is worth it. Take care of it and it will last you a lifetime,” she lectured me.

I saluted. Laura was rabid about taking care of your equipment. I was glad there was no one else in the tack room. I wanted to be alone. Win had offered to come with me, but I’d told her to go out with Kyle instead. I suspected she needed a break from my sad sighs and the fact that I broke into tears over anything from songs on the radio to what was on the menu for hot lunch. She’d stuck by my side for the past two days like my own personal emotional bodyguard. She’d done everything possible to make me happier. She brought Krispy Kreme doughnuts when she picked me up for school and blasted only upbeat music in the car. She lent me one of her pashmina scarves that she knew I loved. She made sure Josh and I stayed far apart and must have talked to our bigger circle of friends, because no one asked me about what had happened between Josh and me.

I pulled the saddle down and put it on the rack. I turned the letter over in my hand. I knew who’d sent it. Neil was the only person I knew who still wrote letters, other than someone’s grandparents. Just because he sent a letter didn’t mean I had to read it. There was no law against chucking unopened mail in the trash. It wasn’t like angry postal workers were going
to sweep in and hold me down until I read it. I rubbed conditioner into the saddle with firm strokes.

He had no business sending me a letter. Sure, I’d told him not to call me, but the implication was clear: I didn’t want to hear from him. I shouldn’t have had to send a twenty-page contract outlining that not only did I not want to hear from him by phone, but I didn’t want to hear from him in person or by letter, sign language, or smoke signal either. I put down the rag, crumpled the letter, and tossed it into the trash.

I turned the saddle so that I could work on the other side. I found myself glancing up to look at the trash can as if I thought the letter might pop up over the edge and start crawling toward me like a zombie. Unless you take those things out with a head shot, they keep coming back. I stormed over to the trash can and picked the letter back out. One edge had an oily smear from the conditioner, which made the envelope almost translucent. I held it in my hands, ready to tear it into two.

Shit.

I tore the envelope open and pulled out the letter. Just because I read it didn’t mean that I had to talk to him, or even tell him that I’d read it. I could read it and then tear it up and send him the pieces.

Harper—

I’ve started this letter at least a dozen times. I want a way to say I’m sorry that really shows how much I mean it,
but I don’t know the words. I figure you deserve a written apology so that it’s more official.

You probably wonder how all of this happened. The first time I met you outside the school, my sister suggested that I try and talk with you. That you might be willing to listen to someone who was closer to your age. I wanted to convince you that Neurotech was evil and needed to be stopped. I didn’t know you. You were just this extension of your dad’s company to me. I’m not saying that made it right to lie; I’m just explaining how I viewed it. How I excused it. Then it got more complicated as I got to know you. I thought about telling you about my sister, but I didn’t know how to start. I knew if I did, you’d never want to see me again. I wanted to go back in time and start over, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t go back and I didn’t know how to go forward.

I want you to know that I haven’t told my sister about your mom and I won’t. That was never about getting a story. I really wanted to help. I still want to help. I want to be a part of your life. I know you have no reason to forgive me, or even believe that I’m telling the truth, but I hope you will. I’ve given you no reason to trust me, but I can’t help but hope you’ll give me a chance to earn your trust back.

I miss you—

Neil

I stood there shaking. It felt like my skin was too small to hold in all my emotions. I didn’t know how it was possible that part of me wanted to scream and hit him for lying to me and another part wanted to skip around the room because he missed me.

I folded the letter and put it in my pocket. I had no idea what I wanted to do with him, or with the letter, but until I decided, I didn’t want to throw it away. I could feel the weight of the letter in my pocket as if it were made of lead instead of paper.

I picked up a rag and tackled the saddle again. I put all my frustration into rubbing the conditioner into the leather. It would be as soft as a baby’s butt by the time I was done with it. I might not be able to fix things with Neil, but I could fix this.

As I rubbed, my ring caught on the stitching on the bottom of the cantle and I felt something pop. Shit. I dropped the rag, my hand cramped. I should have taken off my ring. I was going to kick myself if I’d put a deep scratch in the leather. It was like I couldn’t touch anything lately without making it worse. A piece of the stitching was pulled slightly up near the back panel. I ran my thumb along where it joined. I’d have to get Laura to look at it to see if I needed to take it to a saddler for repair or if she would know how to even the stitches back out.

Something was wrong. I leaned in closer. The nylon thread seemed to be just a slight shade lighter on this part of the saddle, as if it had been torn and repaired before. I dragged the saddle
over to the light on the desk so I could see it better. The thread was definitely different. It had been stitched up before, but I’d never had it repaired. I picked at the thread until it started to unravel. I pulled out two stitches. I ran my pinky nail into the small gap in the leather. There was something crammed in between the layers of padding.

I pulled two more stitches out so I could hook my index finger inside. I rocked whatever was in there back and forth. It fell out onto the table. It was hard plastic, about an inch long. I turned it over in my hand. It was one of those thumb drives that plug into a computer. I stared at it. What in the world was it doing sewn into my saddle? There was a logo on it from Washington State University, where my parents had met.

My mouth went dry. There was a buzzing in my ears. There were black spots in my vision and I could feel a clammy sweat break out all over.

I took a couple of steps back and sat down hard on a stool. I put my head between my knees and took a few deep breaths.
In through the nose, out through the mouth
. The smell of leather and hay filled my head.

That’s when I remembered everything.