Authors: Emma South
“Thanks for the message and lunch, Bea, I’ve been thinking about you all the time. I hope this trip to Seattle does something. I love you.”
Jeremy leaned in as if he was going to kiss me on the cheek or something but I shrunk away, still processing the thought that had just run through my head. I gave him a tight-lipped smile and his potentially-attempted kiss turned into an awkward pat on the shoulder as he stood up straight again.
“Uh… that’s OK,” I said, “see you tomorrow.”
“Bye.”
Jeremy threaded his way between the tables and walked to the street, where Stan pulled up in the car with perfect timing as if they were some team of secret agents with
synchronized watches and every move planned to the last detail. I finished my coffee slowly, pondering that little slip of the mind-tongue.
I couldn’t make head nor tail of it, so tried to think about what might happen tomorrow in Seattle, my hometown. It would be good to see somewhere I was really familiar with again, I wondered how much it had changed in eight years. Not too much, I hoped.
*****
The flight to Seattle was a short one on Jeremy’s private jet and, aside from some finger-shaped dents I put into the armrests on take-off and landing, I was happy to find that it didn’t provoke too much fear in me. Nothing like those panic attacks I had before, anyway.
Jeremy drove a hired car from Seattle-Tacoma airport towards the north and I felt my heart lift the closer we got to the city and I saw streets, buildings, entire areas that I recognized. Sure, some stores had changed, but the
feel
of the place was the same, it felt homely.
“Is there anywhere in particular you’d like to go before
Bloxhamtech? They’ve made sure the room is clear for a couple of hours this afternoon, but we’ve got plenty of time before then, we can go anywhere you want,” Jeremy asked.
“Crown Hill Cemetery. It’s on the…”
“I know where it is.”
“I want to see my Dad.”
“OK, Bea.”
Jeremy stayed on Interstate 5 right through the
center of Seattle and out the north side, taking the appropriate exit and pulling the car over at the side of the street next to the cemetery.
“Do you want me to come with you?” he asked.
“No. Thanks, though. I just want to have a talk with my Dad alone. Can I have an hour?”
“We’ve got more than enough time. You take as long as you need, I’ll stay here, just make a few calls and answer some emails. If I think I spot Elvis and I chase him down in the car, or I go get a snack, I’ll make sure I’m back in an hour and then I’ll stay put.”
“Thanks,” I laughed, “get an autograph for me if you catch him.”
“Deal.”
I stepped out of the car and shut the door behind me, putting my jacket on, thankful that I’d brought it. I should have worn a sweater too, I’d been caught kind of off guard by the difference in temperature between L.A and Seattle today. I walked through the gate and past the rows of tombstones, over a gentle hill until I turned to my right and went between two rows, past all the names I didn’t know until I found the one that I did.
Henry Hampton
Husband and Father
Taken tragically and missed forever.
10/26/1963 – 06/15/2003
With some difficulty I managed to sit myself on the ground, ignoring the vague traces of morning dew still clinging to a few blades of grass. I stared at the tombstone for a while, with no idea where to start.
It wasn’t fair. I thought my memory was ‘normal’ for things that happened before I turned eighteen, but even little details of my Dad were fading. I remembered that thought going through my head the last time I recalled visiting the grave, which was eight years ago now. How often had I visited since then? I had no idea.
“I’m sorry,” I blurted out, feeling the words let loose a torrent of tears and sobs that shook my whole body. “I could really use your shoulder to cry on again. I’m trying to be tough, like you said, but it’s hard.”
I wiped my eyes and nose on the sleeve of my jacket, having no handkerchief, just letting the tears and sobs run their course until I felt almost empty, like everything inside me had been poured on to the ground and would soon evaporate just like the few beads of dew still visible here and there.
Eventually the tears ran out and the last wipe of my sleeve left my vision as clear and cloudless as the sky above. I looked at the grave and the dead flowers in a little holder at the base of the tombstone. Reaching forward, I pulled the crumbly brown stems out and cast them aside.
“I don’t know how long it’s been since I was here. I was in an accident and I got hurt pretty bad, hit my head and knocked eight years right out of it, can you believe that?”
The grave didn’t answer, but I imagined the big hug he would have given me. I would have given anything for that hug to be real, to turn the clock back to a time when he was there to keep me safe.
“I woke up in the future and it’s a scary place. I don’t know anybody, but everybody apparently knows me. I’m married.
Married
. To exactly the kind of guy I promised you I wouldn’t fall for too. I don’t know what to do. Help me, Dad.”
Chapter 7
According to the directory near the elevators, Bloxhamtech Ltd took up an entire two floors of the downtown Seattle skyscraper it was situated in. Jeremy glanced around the lobby doubtfully before we entered and he pressed the number fourteen.
“It’s actually changed a lot in the last six years, do you
recognize anything?”
“I remember walking past the building when I was younger, but I don’t remember working here. What was it I did?”
“I believe your title was ‘Sales Support Executive’.”
“What does that mean?”
“Take crap from customers while the sales rep gets the commission, I think.”
“Every girl’s dream.”
The elevator doors opened into a very stylish reception area, dominated by an impressive logo and several flat screen displays behind the front desk showcasing any number of very high-tech looking gadgets. I had no idea what any of them did.
Sitting at the desk was a young woman who looked like she had woken up at three in the morning to prepare for her day at work. Everything she wore was
color-coordinated from shoes to make-up, and not a single hair was out of place. Standing next to her was a nervous looking man in a suit, who stood to attention as if there was an officer on deck or something.
“Mr. Holt, good to see you. How was the trip?”
“It was fine, thanks Adam. Everything going OK here? The fifty eight hundred series going to be ready for the Christmas rush? That report I read didn’t look too good.”
“We’ve got the best and brightest working overtime. I’m not going to lie
, we’re about a month behind schedule at the moment but we had a big breakthrough yesterday that I’d be happy to fill you in on. Is that what this visit is about?”
“No. You can update me tomorrow with a video conference, Beatrice and I just need to use the boardroom for a while. You remember Beatrice from when she worked here?”
“Not my department, but I do remember seeing you around the office. Nice to see you on your feet after the accident, Beatrice.”
“Thanks,”
“Did you want to go straight through to the boardroom, or have a look around first?”
“We’ll go straight through, thanks Adam.”
“Sure thing, I’ll come with you just to make sure nobody’s gone in to use the room without booking it on the system.”
The man, Adam, set off at a brisk pace through a busy office, where people sat at their desks isolated from everybody else by walls that only came up to chest height. Looking out over the vast area of squares with only the tops of people’s heads visible, if that, I could see why places like this were called cube farms.
Jeremy ignored the pace set by Adam, instead walking beside me at the much slower speed I was able to manage, which I was grateful for. Somehow in this environment, everybody seemed determined to look
away
from Jeremy rather than towards him like out in public.
Wherever I looked, eyes were staring with intensity at computer screens and the sounds of a hectic call-
center buzzed loudly as if a poor performance review on this day would result in sacrifice upon an altar rather than a stern talking-to.
The boardroom turned out to be empty, except for a large oval table with several seats around it, and a desk set in front of a projector screen. I spotted a large projector attached to the ceiling, but it was not turned on at the moment.
“OK, enjoy, do you need anything or anyone?” Adam asked.
“No thanks, Adam, we’re fine. We might have a look around later, but I can find my way.”
Adam smiled and nodded while I looked around, trying to get some kind of feel for my place in the room, like those psychics you saw on TV who could touch an item and tell you where it was made, who used to own it and all that kind of thing. I received no such visions, unfortunately, just a good question.
“What was I doing in the boardroom if I was just a… uh… ‘Sales Support Executive’?”
“Coffee.”
“Coffee?”
“Yes, bringing coffee to the upper management team. And me. I was here because I was considering investing in the company. It’s really changed a lot, unfortunately for our purposes, I was really hoping they hadn’t done too much redecorating. Does any of it look familiar?”
“No, I don’t
recognize anything. Sorry.”
“Well, let me tell you what I remember.”
Jeremy pulled down the blinds on the glass wall between the boardroom and the hall outside, twisting a rod on each one until the slats blocked off the view between us and the rest of the office. Moving to the large oval table, he pulled one chair out, then looked at the door and across to the other side of the table before pushing that chair back in, pulling out the one next to it and sitting down.
“Stand over by the door, would you?”
“Like this?” I walked over and turned to face him again.
“Yes… that’s it,” Jeremy paused. “That brings back some memories for me at least.”
“What now?”
Jeremy turned to face the table, and pulled his chair in as if he was talking to some fictional people seated on the other side, closing his eyes as if seeing them again.
“Old John Bloxham, he was sitting right there,” Jeremy pointed without opening his eyelids. “He was being stubborn about the valuation of the company. It was frustrating as hell, but I knew before I came to the meeting that it would be. He built the company from nothing, so I understood his bias. My goal that day was to figure out how to show him I wasn’t here to destroy his life’s work, I was here to make sure a good company survived in a new age, and not get myself ripped off in the process. I had a plan, but he was being even more defensive than I anticipated.”
Jeremy stopped again, clearly reliving the scene in every detail as I watched, his eyes still closed. I tried to read what I could on his face, though he wasn’t turned towards me. I swore I could see the corner of his mouth turned upwards in the faintest of smiles.
“I remember, out there,” Jeremy pointed out the window, “I could see an airplane flying, and I just wanted to leave and go home. Then the sun came out from behind a cloud, for just a moment, reflected off the window on that building over there. I was temporarily blinded, and then there was a knock on the door. I turned…”
Jeremy twisted in his seat and opened his eyes.
“… and there you were. The first time I saw you, I was right here and you were right there. I’ll never forget the way you looked at me.”
“How?”
“Like you didn’t give a damn who I was, for a start,” Jeremy chuckled. “But there was more. Now, I’m not into all that mumbo-jumbo stuff, but I knew that the angel that just walked in the door was the one for me. I’d never felt anything like it in my life, like every atom in my body was pulling me in your direction. I thought the chair was going to start scraping across the floor.”
“What happened next?” I whispered, caught up in the moment, what Ellie would have called the fairy
tale.
“Something was wrong, I could see it in your eyes. They were kind of glazed over like you were, sorry for saying, like behind the beautiful
surface you were dying inside. One of the charities I’d worked with in the past was involved with helping to rehabilitate wild animals that had been captured and mistreated, forced to perform tricks day in and day out for years in god awful conditions. Birds, bears, you name it. They had that same look in their eye, like they’d forgotten what it felt like to fly, like they’d forgotten what it was like to be outside, even.”
Despite my dehydrating trip to the cemetery in the morning, my eyes started watering again, what else had happened between the time my memory cut off and the day Jeremy was talking about? I had no idea. Jeremy continued telling me my own story as the first drops began trickling down my cheeks.
“I was lost, my plan about how to get a fair valuation for the company was out the window with that airplane. All I wanted to do was go to you.
Jeremy stood up and approached me until I could see his shiny black shoes on the floor in front of mine through the blur of tears.
“I wanted to wrap you up in a big hug, tell you it would all be OK, I wouldn’t let anybody hurt you ever again, and then never let go.”
Suddenly I felt his arms around me in a hug just like the one he was describing and I found myself held against him. I resisted for as long as I could, but found I was just so damn
tired
. I felt like I’d been swimming against the tide ever since I woke up in that hospital bed. I let my arms wrap around him and my tears make a wet patch on his shirt. His wasn’t the shoulder I had envisioned crying on, but it was the only one there.
“Did you do it right there in front of everybody?”
“No, everybody would have thought I was insane, especially you. I sat there trying to think of how I could introduce myself to you as you walked over with that tray of about six cups of coffee.”
Jeremy turned around and led me towards the table, where I could almost see his younger self sitting with the
Bloxhamtech people.
“It was right about here where you tripped,” he said.
“What?”
“Yep. The tray of boiling hot coffee landed right in my lap. I think the only thing that saved me from more severe burns was the milk.”
“Oh my God, you’re kidding, right?”
“Nope. That guy… what was his name… Rod Stevens, big moustache you could hold with both hands, stands up and yells ‘you bumbling idiot!’ and I jump up, trying to hold the material away from my skin, looking for a glass of water to pour on my crotch, eyes watering from the pain. Haha! Oh man. Then it hit me, I’d get your details for the dry-cleaning bill, then I could ask you to dinner in private instead.”
“I never heard of a fairy tale like that,” I muttered.
“What’s that?”
“Nothing,”
“Oh… so right here is where I met my Bumble Bea.”
“That’s an awful nickname.”
“It’s our story, Bea, do you remember it?”
“No, Jeremy… I wish I did.”
Jeremy sighed sadly and looked around, misty-eyed.
“It’s just one more meeting room out of a million, but it’s a special place. I can’t believe we haven’t been back here in so long. When I think of everything that’s happened since that day… wow.”
“Tell me. Tell me everything about us.”
“That’s going to take a while,” he said.
“Apparently I’m the unemployed housewife of a billionaire, I’ve got some spare time on my hands.”
*****
Over the next few weeks I met with Jeremy most days and listened with rapt attention to everything he could tell me about us. It was fascinating to hear, all the places we’d been and all the things we’d done. Each night, back at my apartment, I’d look at the pictures on my laptop from the holiday or general time period of whatever story he’d told me that day.
I tried with all my might, when looking at those photos, to see them from the point of view of the woman I saw there instead of an outsider looking in but I never felt the connection to that person. She looked a hell of a lot like me, though. The main difference was that she seemed to smile more.
Every meeting with him seemed to add as much confusion as it resolved. He was a rich and powerful man, used to getting his own way, but although he had never known anything like poverty, it was certainly unfair to say he had been born with a silver spoon in his mouth. Had his money taken him out of touch with reality, did he think he was better than everybody else? I couldn’t tell.
I soon found out why the Beatrice in the photos smiled so much. I couldn’t deny that Jeremy made me laugh those really good belly-laughs that make you double over and beg for it to stop without really meaning it. I couldn’t remember laughing like that in years, not since I was fifteen. Not since before I knew how life stomps on girls who let their guard down.
At the same time, I learned that Jeremy had that kind of skill with people. The ability to make them feel confident, intimidated or
humored, whatever took his fancy. It was one of the things that made him so successful in business. ‘Playing the game’ he called it. But did that mean he was playing me too? I couldn’t tell.
It was a hell of a stroke to the
ego though. Every time we met in public for lunch or something, he was always the subject of much interest from the women around us, but he never paid them any attention at all. I’d never felt like the center of the universe before, it was… nice.
Every time we parted, Jeremy said he loved me. I wanted to say it back to him, but I’d never said it to any man before. Not that I could remember anyway, and I wasn’t sure if I felt it. There was
something
there, under the surface, but I owed it to myself, and even to him, to not say it unless I knew it was true.
Every time I didn’t say it I could see the pain in his eyes, though. It made me feel like one of those people he talked about, the ones that mistreated the animals. I didn’t want to be the one responsible for putting out the light in his eyes, for extinguishing his fire, but more than that I had to be
sure
, and I was anything but.