Remind Me Again Why I Need a Man

Claudia Carroll

Cover

Title

Copyright

Dedication

About the Author

Also by Claudia Carroll

Acknowledgements

Prologue

Chapter One: The Lovely Girls Club

Chapter Two: The Pity Party is Over

Chapter Three: Mr Wrong, the First

Chapter Four: Who Says Only Mafia Wives Wear Leather?

Chapter Five: Exes Revisited

Chapter Six: The Man Who Speaks Amelia

Chapter Seven: Of all the Gin Joints in all the Towns in all the World …

Chapter Eight: ‘Remind Me Again Why I Need a Man'

Chapter Nine: The Set-up

Chapter Ten: Exactly How Much Closure Do You Need?

Chapter Eleven: I Don't Sleep, I Vacuum

Chapter Twelve: There's Nothing so Tragic, You Can't Find Something to Laugh at

Chapter Thirteen: Supposing This Is as Good as it Gets …

Chapter Fourteen: The One that Got Away

Chapter Fifteen: There is no Oz without Kansas

Chapter Sixteen: The Frenaissance

Chapter Seventeen: Me and My Matrix

Chapter Eighteen: An Iron Fist in a Velvet Glove …

Chapter Nineteen: Mr Intense

Chapter Twenty: The Cuckoo's Nest

Chapter Twenty-One: My Own, Personal, Tailor-made Emotional-pension-plan Man

Chapter Twenty-Two: Let's Face the Music and Dance

Chapter Twenty-Three: Treasure or Trash?

Chapter Twenty-Four: The Social Event of the Year … Not

Chapter Twenty-Five: When They're Interested, They're Interested, and When They're Not, They're Not

Chapter Twenty-Six: My Knight in Flabby Armour

Chapter Twenty-Seven: Is this Night Course about as Much Use to Me as a Chocolate Teapot?

Chapter Twenty-Eight: Heaven in Blue Jeans

Chapter Twenty-Nine: A Very Twentieth-century Way of Being Dumped

Chapter Thirty: A Rush of Blood to the Head

Chapter Thirty-One: Look Back in Languor

Chapter Thirty-Two: Get Down off Your Crucifix, We Need the Wood

Chapter Thirty-Three: And Then There Were None

Chapter Thirty-Four: Cometh the Hour, Cometh the Man …

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REMIND ME AGAIN WHY I NEED A MAN A BANTAM BOOK: 9780553819342

First published in Great Britain in 2006 by Bantam Press a division of Transworld Publishers Bantam edition published 2007

Copyright © Claudia Carroll 2006

Claudia Carroll has asserted her right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work.

This is a work of fiction and, except in the case of historical fact, any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the publisher's prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition, including this condition, being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

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Every effort has been made to obtain the necessary permissions with reference to copyright material, both illustrative and quoted. We apologize for any omissions in this respect and will be pleased to make the appropriate acknowledgements in any future edition.

To my great friend Marion O'Dwyer, who,
as we walked down Dawson Street in Dublin
one sunny summers evening,
gave this book its title.

 

 

 

Claudia Carroll was born in Dublin, where she still lives. She has worked extensively as an actress on the Irish stage, but is probably best known for her role as TV's nasty Nicola Prendergast in the long-running Irish soap opera
Fair City
, a character she describes as ‘the horrible old cow everyone loves to hate'.

Claudia is single, and this book's title comes from a phrase she finds herself using quite a bit, particularly after a really bad date.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Also by Claudia Carroll

 

HE LOVES ME NOT … HE LOVES ME
THE LAST OF THE GREAT ROMANTICS
I NEVER FANCIED HIM ANYWAY

Thank you so much, Marianne Gunn O'Connor, my wonderful agent, for everything you've done for me in the last year. In October, this amazing woman rang me from the Frankfurt Book Fair with the overwhelming news that she had sold the US rights of this book to HarperCollins, New York. So a huge thank you to Claire Wachtel, Sean Griffin and everyone who works at that fabulous office on East 53rd Street. I loved meeting you all last November and can't wait to work with you.

Thank you, Pat Lynch, for your calm patience and humour. You've become such a good friend.

Thanks to the divine Francesca Liversidge, for all your encouragement and for generally making my job so easy. I'll keep on nagging you until we have another night on the town in Dublin! And thanks to everyone at Transworld Publishers in London, especially Nicky Jeanes, who really put in overtime helping me to get this book just right. Thanks also to the lovely Laura Sherlock for everything she's done: your next trip to Dublin won't come round soon enough! Thanks also to Vivien Garrett for all your kind words, which I really appreciate.

Thanks to Declan Heeney, and Gill and Simon Hess, who do so much hard work here. I couldn't feel happier, luckier or more grateful to have you guys in my life.

Thank you, Vicky Satlow, for the unbelievable job you've done selling this book around Europe. To see my book translated into languages I can't even speak is such a thrill.

Thanks to all my family for their much-needed support, especially Mom and Dad (who once made a trip to a well-known Dublin bookshop and took photos of a window display the store had kindly given me – I'm not joking). Thanks to Paddy and Sam, Richard, Lilla, Ellen and all my family in Scotland, Mai, Ted, Sequoia, Warwick and Ellie.

Thank you so much to Clelia and Miss Clara Belle Murphy for coming with me on book signings and generally being angels, the pair of them. If it's the last thing we do, the three of us are going on another holiday, and this time I will
not
take no for an answer.

Special thanks to all my fantastic friends, especially Pat Kinevane, Karen Nolan, Larry Finnegan, Susan McHugh, Sean Murphy, Marion O'Dwyer, Alison McKenna, Fiona Lalor, Sharon Hogan, Ailsa Prenter, Karen Hastings, Kevin Reynolds, Kevin Murnane and, of course, the Gunn family. I really don't know what I'd do without you.

Thanks to Anita Notaro, great friend, great neighbour and a constant inspiration.

Thanks to all the wonderful people who have come into my life since I started writing, especially Patricia Scanlan, Kate Thompson, Sarah Webb and Marisa Mackle.

Thanks to Derick Mulvey; I'm really looking forward to working with you and only hope I don't let you down!

Finally, after fourteen happy years, I've made the incredibly hard decision to leave
Fair City
, so I can devote more time to writing. I want to thank everyone on the team for being so good to me over the years, especially Niall Matthews (who very kindly said he would leave the door open for Nicola to return), Kevin McHugh, Mary Halpin, Karen Nolan, Elaine Walsh, Ferdia McAnna, Ann Myler, Johnny Cullen, Tony Tormey, Jim Bartley, Tom Hopkins, Una Crawford O'Brien and, of course, the one and only Joan O'Hara. You have no idea how much I'll miss all of you, but please remember, I'm only ever a stone's throw away …

 

FATE IS LATE!

Right from the off, the first line grabbed my attention.

THIS IS YOUR YEAR!

… ran the banner headline on the office notice-board. But it was the next bit that made me not so much blush as hot flush.

YOUR YEAR TO GET MARRIED!!!

I tried my best to act all cool and unconcerned and pretended to be utterly absorbed in a load of ads for second-hand Fiat Puntos and neutered cats for sale.

THIS COURSE WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE FOR EVER! SIMPLY APPLY THE PRINCIPLES TAUGHT AT HARVARD
MARKETING SCHOOL TO YOUR LOVE LIFE AND YOU'LL BE EXCHANGING ‘I DO'S' BEFORE THE YEAR IS OUT!

I read on. Well, wouldn't you?

BY REVISITING ALL OF YOUR PAST RELATIONSHIPS, WE'LL SHOW YOU WHERE YOU WENT WRONG, SO YOU CAN EMBRACE THE FUTURE AND MOVE FORWARD CONFIDENTLY WITH THE PARTNER OF YOUR DREAMS! FOR ANY WOMAN OVER THIRTY-FIVE WHO'S READY TO VAULT TO THE ALTAR THE SOLUTION IS SIMPLE. COME TO MY EVENING CLASS, GET ON MY TWELVE-STEP PROGRAM AND YOU'LL HAVE ONE FOOT IN THAT VERA WANG GOWN BEFORE THE YEAR IS OUT!

And that's pretty much where my story starts …

I work as a deputy producer on a television soap opera and often think that if this job came with a catchphrase, it would be, quite simply: ‘
I HATE ACTORS!
' Well … I should more correctly say all actors except my darling friend (and honorary ‘Lovely Girl') Jamie French, whom I'm meeting later on tonight.

At the moment, while resting between acting jobs, Jamie's working as a waiter in Nosh, a hip, protein-only celebrity restaurant in the heart of Dublin's Temple Bar. Although, according to him, they only call it a celebrity restaurant because Enya once had a coffee there. There was also a rumour that Bono went in once looking for directions, but it turned out to be just a lookalike. Anyway, it's Nosh's first birthday party tonight and me and the other ‘Lovely Girls' are all going along. Now, I use the term ‘Girls' in the loosest sense, as we're all well into our late thirties, but none of us is quite ready to graduate and start classifying herself as ‘a proper grown-up woman'. At least, not just yet.