Authors: Bernard Langley
“
What?
!”
c
ried Pete
, quite
taken aback
by the language he was certain he had just heard
,
“
what did you just say?
!”
“
So you've decided to join us
,”
the man repeated, casting a meaningful look at his entourage.
“
No
,”
he said
excitedly
,
“
after that
?”
“
But that was all my friend
,”
said the man, pulling up a chair as he spoke, and then sitting on it
backwards so that he faced him over the top of the chair back
.
“
Now come on, you said something in French didn't you
?”
he insisted
.
““
Infrench
”
, what is this
“
infrench
”
?”
a
sked the man, a bemused expression on his face.
“
Well it's what the French speak, you know, on earth
.”
“
And what monsieur is this
“
earth
”
?”
“
There
!
”
h
e almost shouted
,
“
you
just
did it again
!”
The man paused, and
lighting a cigarette from the one he had yet to finish,
then
declared quite innocently:
“
I simply asked you what this
“
earth
”
you speak of is
.”
Pete allowed himself a moments reflection. He was certain that these people were French, he had noticed that the cigarettes the man was smoking had
“
Gittanes
”
written on the packet, and although he could not quite make it out, it certainly appeared that one of the others was reading a book with the title
“
Le Nausea
”
. Nevertheless, h
e
realized
that these people would never admit to this, and decided that he may as well just get on with defeating the Co-leen and saving the earth.
“
Alors mes amis
,”
began Pete
.
“
What?
!”
r
esponded the man, a puzzled expression on his face.
“
Worth a shot
,”
h
e went on
,
“
I'm looking for the Co-leen resistance and the one they call
Pierre
.”
The man shifted in his seat slightly.
“
And why do you look for them
?”
a
sked the man.
“
Because
,”
h
e paused for effect
,
“
I am going to smash the Co-leen into tiny little pieces..
.”
The room burst out laughing.
“
... Pieces so tiny that not even the smallest hand in existence would be able to hold a good handful
,”
he finished confusingly
.
The laughter now exploded, and five minutes later
, when the laughter was still
uncontrollable, Pete took the opportunity to imagine animal shapes in the clouds of cigarette smoke. Another five minutes passed, and as the laughter subsided, the m
an who had been so far questioning him,
suddenly threw away his chair, cast aside his beret, and announced:
“
Well you have found the man for whom you search, for I am
Pierre
!”
There followed a short round of applause.
“
The
French
,”
he sighed to himself, “always the histrionics. “
“
So my little friend
,”
Pierre
addressed him, “
to whom do I have the pleasure of speaking
?”
“
Pete, Pete Martin
,”
he answered.
“
And how exactly do you intend to smash the Co-leen
?”
“
Well
,”
h
e paused to gather his thoughts, before answering perhaps a little too honestly
,
“
dunno really, I thought you could help out there
.”
“
Right
,”
said
Pierre
, rolling his eyes at his crew
,
“
and why should we help you exactly
?”
“
Well
,”
again he
paused to think
,
“
I'm part of the Renegade team
?
”
he ventured.
“
The Renegade team
?”
queried the Frenchman
.
“
Yes
,
”
he replied
in a mouse-like voic
e, not knowing what kind of weight this announcement carried.
“
With Slip
McGroovy
?”
“
Yes
,”
he confirmed, holding his breath.
“
Oh we just love him
,”
said
Pierre
,
“
don't we boys
?”
A chorus of
“
why, but of course
!
”
echoed around the room.
“
Great
,”
said a relieved Pete
,
“
so you'll help then
?”
Another chorus of
“
why, but of course
,”
filled the room.
“
T
e
r
r
ific
,”
he said
,
“
let's go and find them then
,”
he went on, trying to stand as he spoke, forgetting that he was tied to a chair.
“
Hold on a moment my eager friend
,”
said
Pierre
, who then set about untying him.
“
Pierre
,”
began Pete, remembering a scene from the Great Escape.
“
What is it
?”
“
It could be dangerous
,”
he warned
.
“
But life is dangerous my friend
.”
“
Pierre
.”
“
Yes Pete
.”
“
Bon chance
.”
“
Merci mon ami
.”
“
Ha, got you
!”
he declared triumphantly,
and left
the stage
in glory.
“I
f only defeating the Co-leen
was as simple as making a Frenchman speak French,” he thought to himself, once back up
outside
on the planet’s surface.
If Pete did have
a secret plan, then it was
probably so well hidden, that finding it again would be about as momentous as if the titanic had sunk, hit the sea bottom, and then bounced back up to the surface, only to continue its journey
. It is my humble opinion
however
, that he was about as well
aware of his cunning plan, as I am currently aware as to how to end this wibble.
Fendel had had quite enough of infinity and decided it was high-time he was on his m
er
r
y way. Examining his pockets, in the hope of finding some perhaps not altogether convincing exit strategy, he discovered a half-eaten Saturn bar, a pocket-sized
time-travelling device that he had bought on Wow
, (much more interesting than wearing a watch), a parrot of uncertainty, (don’t ask), and a small nuclear device that he had nicked off Slip earlier when his trousers were around his ankles.
“
Okay
,”
he reasoned aloud
,
“
I could travel back in time to the moment just before I leapt into this infinite slide, and convince myself that it isn’t perhaps the best-laid plan. However, I’m bound to ignore myself, and the last time I travelled back in time to forewarn myself, we ended up getting drunk and switching places, very confusing. No, instead I’ll use this parrot of uncertainty to... to... what do these things do anyway?
!
Okay, nothing for it then
.”
And that said, he finished off the remainder of his Saturn bar, activated the small nuclear device, and threw it down the slide ahead of him.
***
Slip stood naked in front of the group of Co-leen feeling markedly smaller than usual. He had imagined that whisking off his swimming trunks and revealing a small nuclear device would have been a rather grand gesture, one that would surely
put a stop to any Co-leen plan
to capture himself and his crew. However, as things transpired, he stood there somewhat at a loss, with Crinkle doing her utmost to cover his bombless modesty.
“
Now we have you
,”
declared the Co-leen
,
“
quickly, handcuff the prisoners
!”
That said, some fifty
meters away behind the Co-leen, a small nuclear device suddenly detonated. Slip, Crinkle and
all
the Co-l
een were thrown roughly
onto the ground, and Fendel came flying through the air
, only
to land quite ung
allantly in a heap of himself.
“
Hello Slip, hello Crinks
,”
said Fendel.
“
My bomb
,”
started Slip
,
“
how did you...
?”
Now reintroductions withstanding, the Co-leen had used this time to regain some semblance of what they imagined to be
the
rulers of everything, and anything else they may have missed in the course of ruling everything.
“
Enough, kill them
!”
a
nd that said, they opened fire on the Renegade team.
“
Oh dear, what now
?”
w
ondered Fendel, as he threw himself on top of Slip and Crinkle, and plunged them all into the water at the bottom of the Slide of Sloth.
***
“
Quickly, over there
!”
shouted Pete, pointing to
some laser fire
,
as he led his French resistance pals in a bid to rescue Slip and the gang.
“
Are you crazy, they have laser guns?
!”
stated
Pierre
aghast.
“
Well, you’re the Resistance aren’t you, what do you have
?”
asked Pete
.
“
We have very strong ideals
!”
re
plied
Pierre
.
“
Ideals huh
,”
he replied,
slightly discouraged
,
“
okay that’s great and everything, but perhaps you have something a little more menacing, you know, something with a bit more bite
.”
“
Erm, we all have berets you know, and matching polo necks
!”
“
Yeah
again, something a little less fashion-based, unles
s that is you’re planning to dazzle
the Co-leen into submission
?!
”
“
Okay, I have it, Co-leen listen up
!”
a
nnounced
Pierre
suddenly,
m
arching out bravely toward them, “n
ow, if you don’t let our Renegade friends go at once, I will be very unhappy and I will have no other option
,
other than the option that remains
.”
The Co-leen stopped firing at this, and one of them, (we must assume to be the leader of sor
ts, as he is wearing a very large
hat), stepped forward to address
Pierre
and his Resistance.
“
So, the Resistance
,”
drawled the Co-leen captain
,
“and
you must be
Pierre
?”
“
Indeed
!”
d
eclared
Pierre
, flicking aside his trench coat and revealing a freshly baked baguette.
“
Nobody move
!
”
he went on
, brandishing his baguette threateningly at the Co-leen.
Now this took the captain completely by surprise, and staring down the barrel of a freshly baked baguette was enough of an incentive for him to order his troops to drop their laser rifles.
“
But sir it’s only bread
!”
d
eclared one of his troops.
“
Oh really
,”
said
Pierre
in a way that insinuated
much, much
more.
“
Well yes, I suppose it is only bread
,”
realized the captain
,
“
troops, pick up your laser rifles
!”
“
I wouldn’t do that if I were you
,”
he warned
.
“
Oh, and why not
?”
asked the captain, again convinced of his own superiority.
“
Because of this
!”
h
e declared, whipping out a delicious brie from his trench coat pocket.
“
Oh my god, he’s got brie
!”
shouted the alarmed captain
,
“everyone retreat
, save yourselves
!”
And that said, the Co-leen ran away screaming. It might be added that one of them did mention that it was only cheese, but this was entirely lost to the blind brie-based panic, and
in a little less than twenty pings
, the Co-leen were nowhere
left
to be seen.
“
Pete
!”
declared Slip, rushing over and hugging him.
“
Erm Slip
,”
started Pete, feeling a little self-conscious
,”
where are your clothes
?”
“
Oh
yeah
right
,”
he
realized
,
“
had to let ‘em go you know, diversionary tactics and that
.”
Pete did not know, but nodded.
“
Here
,”
said
Pierre
passing Slip
his beret.
“
Oh thanks
,”
he replied, placing
the beret on his head
,
“
pleasure to meet you
.”
“
Oh we are huge fans
,”
said
Pierre
,
“
aren’t we boys
?”
“
We adore your work
!”
said the resistance in unison.
“
Yeah
, I am pretty great
!”
he agreed,
putting his hands on his hips.
“
Look people
,”
put in
Crinkle
,
“
I hate to be the bearer of reality as usual, but shouldn’t we be thinking about making a move around about now, you know in case they somehow realize that even the combined force of both bread and cheese, may not in fact stand up too successful
ly to
an onslaught of laser fire
.”
“
Absolutely babe, as always, right on the money
,”
agreed Slip.
“
Okay what’s the plan
?”
Slip asked Pete.
“
Okay what’s the plan
?”
Pete asked
Pierre
.
“
I dunno
,”
said
Pierre
, his mouth full of brie.
“
Okay
,”
said Fendel
,
“
how’s this for a start
?
”
And that said, Fendel activa
ted the parrot of uncertainty.