Replacement Child (33 page)

Ultimately it’s being understood and accepted, with all my past baggage and flaws, that has been the difference for me in my marriage. And having a husband who is secure enough in himself to let me be who I am and to support my endeavors to be the best I can be.

Nothing happens in a vacuum, and I recognize the role that some counseling played along the way. I have to say, though, that no marriage counseling ever worked for me in my three failed marriages. The love of good friends did a great deal to make my metamorphosis possible. The friend who helped me move out in a rush, the friend who took me in when I had nowhere to go, the friends who helped me move from one place to another time and time again. You know who you are.

My son has grown into a sensitive, responsible young man with a mission to make the world a better place. He is indeed my shining star, and the reason I cannot be sorry for the winding path that led to his presence in my life.

My husband, David, is my touchstone, my staunch supporter, my rock. I like to think it was not pure luck that brought us together, but some master plan that deemed we both finally deserved each other—deserved happiness. My father still played a role in my choice for a mate this time, but now it was his best traits I found—his humor, his responsibility, his honesty.

At the time of this writing, my sister, Linda, remained a big part of my life. Though she was far away in distance, she was never far from my thoughts. She still needed a knee replacement that made it difficult for her to walk, and she was too afraid of possible amputation to have it done. She struggled to find the right medications to kill her chronic pain.

L
INDA PASSED AWAY
on July 25, 2009—on Donna’s birthday. She was a heavy smoker for nearly forty years and had lung cancer that closed her airway. In two weeks, she was gone. The last few years had been difficult for Linda. Still, she was positive about her future.

Even as she lay in ICU, intubated and unable to speak to me, I never for a moment believed that she would lose this battle. She was my brave sister who survived monumental challenges and came out smiling and joking. It never crossed my mind that there could be a fight she would lose.

Just an hour before she died, she was still looking out for me, writing a note asking me if I had gotten the answers I needed about her condition—to make me comfortable with what was happening. She joked with her daughters not to let me take her to Germany for treatment “like Farrah.” She also wrote her decision to be cremated “like Mommy, Daddy, Donna.” She had made the decision to accept this as her final chapter, and her smile was peaceful.

Linda helped me a great deal with this book. I couldn’t have written it without her. She remembered all the details and answered my questions for over four years. I miss her every day.

Safe passage, sister

Where your spirit, true and free

Is unencumbered.

Our parents welcome you.

Our sister greets you.

You marvel at the beauty

Of unimaginable colors on this earth,

At the music that emanates

From a soul’s joy.

Wait for me.

Save a seat—as always—

For your little sister.

  
1.
   
Do you think Judy was truly a “replacement” for her sister Donna?

  
2.
   
Do you think the tragic aspect of a plane crashing into the family’s home made a difference in the attitudes of the family members and Judy in particular?

  
3.
   
How do you think being a replacement child affected the course of Judy’s life?

  
4.
   
Was it important for the reader to know about Judy’s marriages and relationships to understand her journey?

  
5.
   
Why do you think Judy had three failed marriages?

  
6.
   
What do you think parents that have subsequent children after losing a child can do to protect against the effects of replacement child syndrome?

  
7.
   
How can recognizing that one may be a “replacement child” help someone understand and control the possible negative ramifications on their life?

  
8.
   
Do you think every child born to parents who have lost a child is necessarily a “replacement child”? What would make the difference?

  
9.
   
What could Judy’s father have done differently as she was growing up that would have been a more positive influence on her life?

 
10.
   
How did survivor guilt play a part in Judy’s issues?

 
11.
   
How did the fact that her sister Linda needed special care affect their roles in the family?

T
HANK YOU FIRST
and foremost to my sister, Linda (Mandel) Driskell, for all her knowledge and incredible memory—and mostly for her love.

Thank you to my agent, Rita Rosenkranz, for her expertise, guidance, and support. To Brooke Warner, the former senior acquisition editor at Seal Press who had faith in this book. To the exceptional team at Seal Press: Krista Lyons, Laura Mazer, Donna Galassi, Barrett Briske, and others. My sincere thanks for all your great work on behalf of this book.

My husband David Schwartzer’s love and support throughout this emotionally exhausting process was no less than saintly. Many times I would not have gone on with the project if not for his encouragement.

Thanks to Anthony Valerio, whose patience with me as I began this journey was herculean and without whom I surely could not have completed this work.

Thank you to my first editor, Rachel Sherman, who helped me craft my story.

Thanks are due to my original writing workshop pals who labored with me through each chapter and added valuable advice
each time, including Jonathan Ricard, Carol Lyn Woodring, Deborah Cannarella, and Brenda L. Planck, MD.

A
SPECIAL THANKS
to:

Justin Alexander Butler (my boy), for inspiration, editorial advice, and encouragement, always.

Deborah Cannarella for her additional advice, writing expertise, and encouragement.

Susan Jorgensen for copyediting advice and inspiration.

Molly Rector, for recommendations and advice.

Patricia Sheehy, who told me for many years that I should write this story, and who didn’t quit nagging me until I did it. She also helped me choose the title for the book and talked me through many issues.

T
HANK YOU TO
those who helped in my research, including: Elizabeth firefighters Al Trojanowicz and Gary Haszko; Rabbi Jeffrey Bennett, Temple Sinai, Newington, Connecticut; Dr. Richard Stone; Anne Carroll, Esq.

T
HANK YOU TO
my friends, too numerous to name here, for their love and support.

A
ND
,
LAST BUT
not least, thanks to my wonderful cousin Colonel Joel D. Miller.

PHOTO COURTESY OF THE AUTHOR

J
UDY
L. M
ANDEL
began her career as a journalist, branched out to public relations, and settled in corporate marketing, where she worked for more than twenty years as a marketing director for several Fortune 100 companies. Mandel is now a student in the MFA program of Stony Brook Southampton and lives in Connecticut with her husband. Visit her online at
JudyMandel.com
.

Selected Titles from Seal Press

For more than thirty years, Seal Press has published groundbreaking books. By women. For women.

Found: A Memoir,
by Jennifer Lauck. $17.00, 978-1-58005-395-2. Picking up where her
New York Times
best-selling memoir,
Blackbird,
left off, Jennifer Lauck shares the powerful story of her search for her birth mother, and lays bare the experience of a woman searching for her identity.

Dancing at the Shame Prom: Sharing the Stories That Kept Us Small,
edited by Amy Ferris and Hollye Dexter. $15.00, 978-1-58005-416-4. A collection of funny, sad, poignant, miraculous, life-changing, and jaw-dropping secrets for readers to gawk at, empathize with, and laugh about—in the hopes that they will be inspired to share their secret burdens as well.