Requiem for a Dream (16 page)

Harry still remembered his plan to buy his mother a
new TV the next day, and still wanted to, but somehow the thought of
actually getting out there in those stores and trying to find a
salesman to help you and then trying to get the sonofabitch to show
you what you want rather than what hes tryin to dump is a real drag
... a big, fat mother fuckin drag. Goddamn it! If only he could just
call up some joint and have them send one over that would be fine,
but going in a store and talking with people and everything ... He
brooded over it for a while then realized that all he had to jo was
take a taste and everything would be alright. Yeah, a little taste
and he could hack those stores and the goddamn salesmen. He didnt
want to get off so early in the day, but what the hell, this was
different. And it seemed right, after all he was always usin the old
ladys set to get cop money so now he'll use a little stuff to get her
a set. Yeah, hahahaha, thats pretty good. I like that. Yeah ... its
like the goose and the gander, or some shit like that. Harry invited
Marion to join him and at first she started to protest getting off as
soon as they got up, but the words never came out of her mouth and so
they started the day with a taste, a little more than the day before,
and went shopping. Marion asked him where he wanted to go and he
shrugged then suddenly snapped up, Macys. Thats the place. Why do you
want to go all the way down to Macys? I like it. I do a lot of heavy
business there. Especially the toy department, and he chuckled and
Marion looked at him as if he were goofy, but shrugged and went along
with it. I guess a cab ride through town wont kill me.

When they got to Macys Harry insisted the driver take
them to the seventh avenue entrance. The driver just shrugged and
looked like Harry was just another nut, Its your money buddy. Why do
you want to go to seventh avenue Harry, we could get out here just as
easily? No, seventh avenue. Thats the way I do it. Marion looked
perplexed and Harry smiled and smirked. Marion wanted to go directly
to the television department, but Harry insisted they go to the toy
department first and look at the trains. Marion shook her head,
again, but went along to look at the trains. When they got to the
television department Harry quickly glanced around at the sets and
when a salesman came over and asked if he could help Harry looked at
him and spoke with self-assurance, Yes. I want a large console. Well,
we have this beautiful model over here in a luxurious Mediterranean
cabinet thats on sale today only. Marked down from $1,299 to onty
$999-99-Its a complete home entertainment system with an am-fm radio,
a— No, no. Nothing like that. Just a television. Fine. Right this
way. This is our finest model. It has— Is it the largest you got?
Yes. And it is guaranteed, parts and labor, for one whole year,
picture tube for five, it— Okay, I'll take it. The salesman smiled
and continued to describe all the outstanding features of the set as
he wrote up the sale, then wrote a service contract for five years
after the guarantee expires, and Harry paid him off in hundred-dollar
bills and calmly waited for his change. He continued to sit by the
desk as the salesman went to the register to complete the
transaction, and smiled to himself as he watched himself sitting
there so calmly, taking care of business just like a real people. He
smirked and chuckled inside himself as the salesman came back with
his change, acting almost like a servant. Harry pocketed the money
carelessly and gave the guy a nod and a wave as they left. Later that
night Harry thought about being in Macys buying the set and he
started to flush and get nervous and sweat started to slide down his
sides. When he thought about it the guy kept asking him questions he
couldnt answer and Harry continually stammered and stuttered and felt
embarrassed and apologized for not wanting the complete entertainment
system and the more the guy told him what a bargain it was and how
his aged mother would be grateful until her dying day if he were to
buy this for her the more guilty he felt until he finally realized
that he would be a fool not to buy this beautiful home entertainment
system and if it was too big to fit in his mothers apartment then
they would make the necessary adjustments. Harry shook his head and
rattled the thoughts away and he and Marion went into the bathroom
and got off and got ready for another evenings work. Visiting his
mother didnt seem like such a good idea when the time came to leave,
but a little taste makes all things possible. He dressed in a sharp
new pair of slacks and sport shirt and casual shoes. He checked
himself out in the mirror again then asked Marion how he looked.
Handsome. Really handsome. You look like the son every mother has
been looking for. What are they doing looking in places like that?
and he chuckled then checked himself out again. Okay, guess I'd
better split. See you later baby. Marion kissed him, Just relax. Its
going to be just fine. Your mother isnt a barracuda like mine. Maybe
that would be easier. Okay, later. Harry left and stopped at a
bootblack by the subway and got a dazzling spit shine on his new
shoes, then gave the kid a couple of bucks and hailed a cab.

After two weeks on the pills Sara was accustomed to
their effects. She almost enjoyed the grinding of the teeth, and even
if it annoyed her a little from time to time it was worth the slight
inconvenience to feel so good and to see the weight dropping off.
Each morning and evening she tried on the red dress to see how much
closer it was to fitting and each time the back came closer and
closer together, she could tell. She cut back to only one pot of
coffee in the morning and drank tea the rest of the day. Sometimes
her eyes felt a little bulgy, but what was the big deal. She
mentioned some of these things to the doctor and he told her that
that was a normal reaction and not to worry about it. Youre doing
just fine. You lost ten pounds the first week. Sara beamed and forgot
everything else. Ten pounds. Such a good doctor. A real crackerjack.
She went each week, got weighed, a new supply of pills, signed the
Medicare form and went home. Who could ask for anything better. When
she joined the other women getting some sun she gave them all a treat
and let them look at her gorgeous figure before sitting in her
special spot. But she wasnt sitting too long. Every now and then she
got up to stretch, to walk, to do something in addition to talking.
Her tongue got so much exercise that the rest of her needed some too.
And every day it was already the same thing with the mailman: Theyre
all looking at him as hes walking up the street and hes grinning and
shaking his head and telling them not today. When ah sees it ahll be
wavin it all ovah, ah mean all ovah, and he would go in the building
to distribute the mail he did have. But there was something that was
different . . . her refrigerator didnt talk to her anymore. He didnt
even seem to sulk. He was still there but had lost his personality.
He was just an ice box. At first she missed being able to antagonize
him, but soon she didnt give it any thought and just went about her
business as quickly as possible in the kitchen and then joined the
ladies getting some sun.

She was sitting in her special spot when Harry got
out of the cab. He adjusted the waist of his slacks and faced the
phalanx of women, his mind trying desperately to think of some way to
out flank them, but a lifetime of experience proved that that was
impossible, so he girded his heroin strengthened loins and walked
directly toward his mother. Sara stared for a brief second, her
stimulated mind instantly computing everything the senses
transmitted: the cab door closing, Keep the change, the new clothes,
the relaxed atti-titude, the smile, the expressive eyes that were
filled with color. She jumped up, Harry, and wrapped her arms around
him almost knocking him off balance. She kissed him and he kissed her
and she felt so excited she kissed him again and again, Hey, take it
easy ma, youll crush me, and he gave her a quick smile then adjusted
his clothes. Come, come inside Harry. I'll make you a pot of coffee
and we'll make a visit. She took his arm and started walking toward
the entrance, Your chair ma, you forgot your chair, and he went over
and picked it up and folded it while saying hello to all the women
who have known him since almost the day he was born already, and some
since before he was born when he was only some smoke in his fathers
eyes, and they told him how good he looked and told him they were so
happy he was doing so well and he nodded and was kissed and squeezed
and finally escaped their clutches. Sara made a pot of coffee
immediately and bustled around and about getting cups and saucers and
spoons and milk and sugar and napkins, And how are you Harry youre
looking so good, and she checked the coffee to see if it was ready
and asked Harry if he wanted something to eat, a little nosh maybe or
a cake I'll go get some if you want, but I dont have anything in the
house but Ada will have something, a cupcake maybe, and Harry watched
and listened to his mother, half wondering if he was in the right
house, and finally the coffee was ready and she filled the two cups
and asked Harry again if he wanted anything to eat. No ma. Nothing.
Sit. Sit for krists sake. Youre making me dizzy. She put the coffee
pot back on the stove and then stood in front of Harry and smiled,
You notice something? Harry blinked, still a little dizzy from all
the activity. You notice Im slimmer? Yeah, yeah, I guess you are mom.
Twenty five pounds. You believe it? Twenty five pounds. And thats
just the beginning. Thats great ma. Thats really great, Im really
happy for ya. But sit down, eh? Sara sat. Harry was still a little
bewildered and his head seemed to be ten yards behind him. Im sorry I
havent been around for a while ma, but Ive been busy, real busy. Sara
kept nodding her head and smiling at Harry as she clenched her jaw,
You got yourself a good job? Youre doing good? Yeah ma, real good.
What kind of business? Well, its sort of a distributor like. For a
big im. porter, O, Im so happy for you son, and she got up and gave
him another big hug and a kiss, Hey ma, easy, eh? youre killing me.
Krist whatta ya been doin, liftin weights? Sara sat down, still
grinning with her jaw clenched, Who you working for? Well, Im sort of
in business for myself. Me an another guy actually. Your own
business? O Harry, and she started to get up again to hug him and
Harry pushed her down, Hey ma, please, eh? Your own business, O Harry
I knew when I saw you that you had your own business. I always knew
you could do that. Yeah, ma, you were right. I made it, just like you
said I would, and he smiled and chuckled. So now maybe youll meet a
nice young Jewish girl and make me a grandmother. I already met
one—Sara squealed and squeaked and started to jump up and down in
her chair and Harry held his hands up in front of him, Jesus krist
ma, dont go ape shit, eh? O Harry, I cant tell you. I cant tell you.
Im so happy. Whens the wedding? Wedding? Hey, cool it, eh? Just
relax. Plenty of time to worry about getting married. Is she a nice
girl? Whose her parents? What— You knower ma. Marion. Marion
Kleinmeitz. Remember, you— O, Kleinmeitz. Of course. I know. New
Rochelle. Hes got a house in the garment center. Yeah, yeah, hes big
in womens undies, and Harry chuckled but Sara continued to grin
gleefully as she anticipated the big wedding with all her friends
watching her son get married, Harry and Marion under the canopy, the
rabbi, the wine, the grandchildren . . . She was so excited she
couldnt sit still so she got up and refilled the coffee cups and sat
down. Before you go bouncin all over again and make me forget, what I
want to tell ya is that I got you a present and— Harry, I dont want
a present, just make me a grandmother, and she continued to grin and
grin— Later for that, eh? Will you let me tell you what I got, eh?
will ya? Sara nodded, grinning, grinding, clenching. Krist, youre
really something else today. Look, I know . . â¢well . . . Harry
rubbed his neck, scratched his head, and searched for words and cloud
feel the embarrassment flushing his face so he lowered his face and
drank some coffee, then lit a cigarette and started all over again.
What Im trying to say is that. . . well, he shrugged, well ... I know
I aint been the best son in the world— O Harry, youre a good— No,
no! Please ma, let me finish. I'll never get it out if you keep
interrupting me. He took a deep breath, Im sorry for being such a
bastard. He stopped. Breathed. Sighed. Breathed. Sara grinned.
Clenched. I wanta make it up. I mean I know I cant change anything
thats happened, but I want ya to know Im sorry and I love ya, and I
wanta make it right. Harry, its— I dont know why I do those thing.
I dont really wanta do them. It just sort of happens, I guess. I dont
know. Its all kindda goofy somehow, but I really do loveya ma and I
want you to be happy so I got ya a brand new TV set. Its gonta be
delivered in a couple a days. From Macys. Sara was squealing again
and Harry warded her off by raising his hands and she sat back down
and grinned at her son as she clenched her jaw and ground her teeth,
her happiness vibrating from her entire being. O Harry, youre such a
good boy. Your father would be so happy to see what youre doing for
your poor, lonely mother. 1 got ya a five year service contract that
takes care a everything after the guarantee runs out. Its guaranteed
for five years and one year. 1 dont know which is for what. Its a
long time. Its the best they got. The top of the line. You see that
Seymour? You see how good our son is? He knows how lonely his mother
is living all alone, no one to make her a visit even th— Hey ma,
come on, eh? Dont go laying any heavy guilt trips on my head, eh?
Saras eyes stretched even wider than they were as she clasped her
hands to her breast, I wouldnt do a thing like that to my son. Never.
I swear I want nothing but the best for my son, I wouldnt want him to
feel bad for— Okay, okay, ma, lets just cool it, eh? I just wanted
to give ya the set and tell ya Im sorry and I want ya to be happy,
okay? and Harry leaned over the table and kissed his mother for the
first time since he couldnt remember when. He hadnt thought of it,
hadnt planned it, it just seemed to happen as a natural result of the
conversation somehow. Sara beamed and blinked her eyes as her son
kissed her and she put her arms around him and kissed him back and he
kissed her again and put his arms around her and found a strange
feeling going through him, a feeling something like a high, but
different. He couldnt identify the feeling but it was a good feeling.
He looked at his mothers smiling, beaming face and the feeling
increased, flowing through him with an unexplained power and energy
making him feel sort of ... yeah, I guess thats it : . . sort of
whole. Harry, for a brief moment, felt whole, like every part of him
was united with and in harmony with every other part of him . . .
like there was just one big part of him. Whole. The feeling lasted
for the briefest moment as he sat there blinking at his mother and
his own actions and feelings, then a feeling of puzzlement seeped
through him and he found himself trying to identify something and he
didnt know what it was he was trying to identify, or why. O Harry, Im
so proud of my son. I always knew youd make good and now youre
making— Harry heard her words but his mind was completely
preoccupied with the question of identifying something. Then it
slowly started to come to him. He had been bending over his mother,
kissing her, when he heard a familiar sound . . . yeah, thats what it
was he was trying to identify, that sound. What in the hell could it
be???? Your father and I used to talk so long about you and how he
wanted you to be happy— Thats it! Thats what that noise is. He
stared at his mother at first bewildered not knowing what it meant
and then it all started to fit in and a lot of pieces suddenly fell
into place and Harry could feel his face folding into an expression
of surprise, disbelief and confusion. The noise he heard was the
grinding of teeth. He knew he wasnt grinding, he was on stuff, not
speed, so it had to be his mother. For many long moments his head
fought against the truth, just as it had fought against recognizing
the obvious since he had first stepped out of the cab, but now he was
overwhelmed with the facts and his eyes were still blinking as he
leaned across the table, Hey ma, you droppin uppers? What? You on
uppers? his voice starting to rise involuntarily. Youre on diet
pills, aint ya? Ya dropping dexies. Sara was completely bewildered
and befuddled. All of a sudden her sons voice and attitude changed
and he was yelling at her and saying things she didnt understand. She
looked and shook her head. On, on, what is on? How come ya lost so
much weight? I told you, Im going to a specialist. Yeah, sure. What
kindda specialist? What kind? a specialist. For weight. Yeah, thats
what I thought. Youre makin a croaker for speed, aint ya? Harry, you
alright? Sara shrugged and blinked, Im just going to a doctor. I dont
know from croaker, making . . . she continued to shake her head and
shrug, Whats wrong Harry, we're sitting and making a nice
conversation and you— What does he give ya ma? Eh? Does he give ya
pills? Of course he gives me pills. Hes a doctor. Doctors give pills.
I mean what kind of pills? What kind? A purple one, red one, orange
and green. No, no, I mean what kind? Saras shoulders were hunched up
around her ears, What kind? I told you. And theyre round . . . and
flat. Harry rolled his eyes back and his head shook slightly, I mean,
like whats in them? Harry, Im Sara Goldfarb, not Doctor Einstein. How
should I know whats in them? He gives me the pills and I take them
and I lose weight so whats to know? Okay, okay, Harry was fidgeting
in his chair and rubbing the back of his neck, So you dont know whats
in them. Whered you get this jokers name? From who? From Mrs.
Scarlinni, where else? She got it from her daughter. Harry was
nodding his head, It figures. Rosie Scarlinni. Whats wrong? Shes a
ni:e girl and such a cute figure. With all the speed that broad drops
the weight cant stay on. It shakes itself off. Harry, you confuse—
Look ma, does that stuff make you feel good sort of and give ya lots
of pep and maybe you talk a little more than usual, though with you
yentas its pretty hard to do that, eh? Sara was nodding her head and
pursing her lip>, Well, I guess maybe a little. Harry rolled his
eyes back again. A little. Jesus, I can hear ya grinding ya teeth
from here. But that goes away at night. At night? When I take the
green one. In thirty minutes Im asleep. Poof, just like that. Harry
kept shaking his head and rolling his eyes, Hey ma, ya gotta cut that
stuff loose. Its no good. Who said its no good. Twenty five pounds I
lost. Twenty five pounds. Big deal. Yeah, big deal. Do ya wanta be a
dope fiend fa krists sake? Whats this dope fiend? Am I foaming at the
mouth? Hes a nice doctor. He even has grandchildren. I saw the
pictures on his desk. Harry hit himself on the forehead, Ma, Im
tellin ya, this croakers no good. Ya gotta stop takin those pills.
Youll get strung out fa krists sake. Strung, schmung. I almost fit in
my red dress, Saras face softened, the one I wore at your bar
mitzvah. The one your father liked so much. I Temember how he looked
at me in the red dress and gold sloes. The only time he saw me in the
red dress. Its not long after that he got sick and died and youre
without a father my poor boobala, but thank God he saw you bar
mitzvahed and— Whats with the red dress? What does that— Im going
to war the red dress on television. O, you dont know. Im going to be
on the television. I got a call and a application and socn Im on
television— Comeon, ma, whose pullin ya leg? Leg, schmeg. Im
telling you Im being a contestant on the television. They havent told
me yet what one, but when Im ready theyll tell. Youll see, youll be
proud when you see your mother in her red dress and golden shoes on
the television. You sure someone aint puttin you on? On, schmon. I
got an official form. Printing and everything. Harry was nodding and
shaking his head, Okay, okay. So its official. Youre goin to be on
television. You should be happy Im going on television. All the
ladies theyre happy. You should be happy too. Im happy ma, Im happy.
Look, Im smilin. But what does that have to do with takin those
goddamn pills fa krists sake. The red dress shrunk, Sara was smirking
and giggled slightly, and its a little tight, so Im losing some
weight, what do you think? But ma, those pills are bad for you. Bad?
How can they be bad? I got them from a doctor. I know they are ma, I
know. How come you know so much? How come you know more about
medicine than the doctor? Harry took a deep breath and almost sighed,
I know ma, believe me I know. And theyre not medicine. Theyre just
diet pills. Just diet pills. Just diet pills. Those just diet pills
took off already twenty five pounds and we havent stopped yet. But ma
you dont have to take that shit to lose weight. Sara was hurt and
perplexed, Harry whats wrong? Why you talking like this? All I want
is to fit in my red dress. The dress for your bar mitzvah. Your
father loved the dress Harry. Im going to wear that dress. I'll wear
it on the television. Youll be proud of me Harry. But ma, whats the
big deal about being on television? Those pillsll kill ya before ya
ever get on fa krists sake. Big deal? So who do you know thats been
on television? Who? Harry was shaking his head in frustration. Who?
In the whole neighborhood whos been on the television. Whos even been
asked? You know who Harry? You know who the only one whos been even
asked. Sara Goldfarb. Thats who. The only one in the whole
neighborhood whos been even asked. You drove up in a cab— Harry was
nodding and shaking his head, Yeah, I drove up in a cab— You see
who had the sun seat? You notice your mother in the special spot
getting the sun?—Harry was still nodding and shaking—You know who
everybody talks to? You know whos somebody now? Whos no longer just a
widow in a little apartment who lives all alone? Im a somebody now
Harry. You see how nice my red hair—Harry blinked rapidly and