I ran to the post box on the corner and dropped it in, then glanced at my watch. It was half past two. I knew I should be getting back to work, but I just couldn't face it. It had been such a tumultuous few hours.
'What a morning, ' I murmured as I pushed on the door. And now, suddenly, the stress of it all caught up with me. Jon's letter, and the thought of him lying in hospital, dying: the memory of my row—and final break—with Ed: the knowledge that this Mrs Wilson might lead me to my mother—my mother, my MOTHER!—the fact that Theo was leaving me. A wave of emotion broke over me like a tsunami. I sank onto a kitchen chair.
'Rose!' said Theo. He was taking his cookery books off the shelf. 'Rose, what's the matter?'
'It's just, oh… everything, ' I said. I looked at the half-empty shelf and felt my eyes brim. 'It's been… ' my throat constricted, and I could barely speak, '… an overwhelming day. '
'You're obviously under huge emotional stress, ' he said gently. Then he came and sat next to me and covered my left hand in his. 'You know that your mother's probably not very far away now, ' he murmured. I nodded. 'And I guess it's frightening. ' I nodded again. It
was
. Because for years it had all been safely hypothetical: but now it was about to be real. 'You're doing the right thing in looking for her, ' Theo said gently. 'You really are, Rose—don't cry. '
'I'm not crying just because of her, ' I wept. 'It's all the other things as well. '
'Like what?'
I shook my head. 'Oh—uh—uh—I can't tell you. It's just that I've had the most… ' I threw my eyes up to the ceiling, '… the most extraordinary day. ' I felt too ashamed of Ed to tell Theo about Jon's letter. 'Plus you're leaving, ' I wailed. I looked at the boxes standing in the hall and felt my mouth twist with grief. 'You're leaving me, Theo. Everyone does. They love me and leave me—like
her
! I felt his arm go round my shoulder as a tear snaked down my right cheek. 'Oh God, what a morning, ' I wept. I was crying so much I could feel tears gathering in the hollow at the base of my throat. 'I'm sorry, ' I mumbled as he passed me a piece of kitchen roll. 'You must think I'm always blubbing. '
'I don't. ' The kitchen roll was soaked with a mixture of tears and mascara.
'I must look such a mess. '
'You do. ' Theo reached out and ran his thumb beneath my right eye, then my left. 'But you're a lovely mess, Rose. ' I tried to smile.
And now I studied his face, and realised how much I'd miss it. I looked at his blue eyes, behind their steel-rimmed frames, and at the faint line scored into his brow. I looked at his strong, lightly stubbled jaw line, and at the generous curve of his mouth. Ed had thin lips, but Theo's were full ones I now saw, or rather,
felt
. For instinctively I'd inclined my head towards his. just a fraction, his gaze now locked in mine. And then I inclined my head a little more. I couldn't help it. It was as though I was being pulled towards him by gravity, and suddenly I could feel the soft pressure of his mouth on mine.
'Sorry, ' I said pulling back. I'd shocked myself. 'I kissed you. '
'Yes, ' he said. 'I spotted that too. '
'You see I'm not quite myself today, ' I stuttered.
'Didn't you want to kiss me then?' I looked into his eyes again, and noticed the flecks of pale green in the blue. 'Didn't you?' he repeated gently. 'Didn't you, Rose?'
'Yes, ' I whispered. 'I did. '
'Well that's absolutely fine then, ' he murmured. 'Because I'd quite like to kiss you too. '
An electric charge shot through me as he took my face in his hands. And he pressed his mouth to mine, his light stubble scraping my skin. He was kissing me again, at first gently, and then harder, parting my lips with his tongue. We stayed there, like that, for a few minutes, just kissing.
'Oh, Rose, ' he said. And now he pulled me into a standing position, and we kissed for a little longer. 'Oh, Rose. '
I felt his hands begin to explore the inside of my shirt as he pushed down the straps of my bra. My hands went down to his waistband, and began to undo his jeans. And he slipped my shirt off my shoulders, still kissing me, and now we were going upstairs. We were going upstairs together, and I could hear our combined tread on the steps. And I opened my bedroom door and pulled him inside, and we fell on the bed in a tangle of limbs. He pulled down my skirt, and stepped out of his jeans, then quickly took off his shirt. And now I saw his broad shoulders, and his chest, and his lean, muscled stomach.
'Oh, Rose, ' he sighed as he kissed my breasts, first one and then the other. Then he lifted himself up. And as he poured himself into me, with increasing urgency, I suddenly knew. I'd got it. At last. I'd finally realised what the anagram of Theo Sheen is—'He's the one. '
'He's the one, ' I sighed as he moved above me. 'He's the one, ' I reiterated as he came with a great shudder. 'Theo Sheen—he's the one. ' He fell forward, panting, his back wet with sweat, and his right cheek pressed hard against mine. We lay there like that for a few minutes. Now he turned over and I locked my arms round his chest, our knees drawn up, his pelvis folded into the hollow of mine. I gazed at the gold freckles which spangled his back, like stars. I traced them with the tip of my finger, and imagined what constellations they might be. This one on his right shoulder looked a bit like Orion, and the light smattering on his left one, the Plough. That' W shaped one at the base of his neck could be Cassiopeia, and these four here, the Southern Cross.
'I've wanted to do that for so long, ' I heard him say quietly.
'Really?'
'Yes. But you didn't see it. Did you?'
'No. I thought you were just being… kind to me, ' I murmured. 'Kind and empathetic'
'You didn't read between the lines. '
'No, ' I murmured. 'I guess I didn't. And when did you… first… ?' I ventured.
'Oh, I don't know, months ago. '
'Really?'
'Hmmm. ' I was amazed. 'I was dimly aware that I was attracted to you when I first came to see the house, ' he murmured. 'I must have been because you were so bloody tricky, and yet I wasn't put off. ' He turned over now and gazed at me. 'But it was when you came out to star-watch with me on New Year's Eve. That's what did it. Your reaction was so passionate. I felt you had a lovely soul… '
'Thank you. '
'… and that I'd touched it. '
'You had. '
'But I thought you were a bit crazy. ' I laughed. 'You were so prickly, Rose. '
'Thorny'
'Hmm. '
'That's what people say'
'A bit neurotic'
'I guess I was. '
'And you were clearly very troubled about your mother, and about your marriage, so I was naturally wary of you. I was upset enough myself at that time about Fiona so I didn't want to take the risk. Plus you were my landlady—it was all very awkward. And then Ed was around again, and I didn't know how you felt, or what you really wanted to do. I just wanted a
sign
from you that you liked me, Rose. A sign. But I didn't get it. Until now. ' We stayed like that for a minute or so, just looking into each other's eyes. 'You're such an enigma to me, Rose, 'he added quietly. 'Such a… puzzle. '
'I've
been
puzzled all my life. '
'I know. And that's why you like doing anagrams, because you're an anagram yourself. '
I could see the truth of that. For
I
had been 'muddled, '
I
had been 'disordered, ' I had been 'mixed up, ' 'confused' and 'upset'. Because the letters of my life had been in the wrong order, but Theo had helped me to sort them out.
'Eros, ' said Theo gently. 'That's your real anagram. And you
do
look like the Botticelli Venus, you know. ' He ran his fingers across the high ridge of my collar bones. 'You've got such lovely clavicles. '
'You flatterer. '
'And attractive ankles. '
'Really?'
'Oh yes. '
'And of course my hair's mad. '
'It is. It's absolutely barmy, ' he said, as he wound a tendril round his finger. 'I think you're lovely, Rose. I've always thought so. A bit crazy, but lovely' I gazed at his face. What a day.
'What a day, ' I breathed. 'I will never, ever forget this day. Four huge, and totally unexpected things have happened to me and it's still only lunchtime. ' I shook my head.
'Like what?'
'Like… this, ' I replied softly. 'And hearing about the ad. ' My heart turned over, and my mother's imagined face loomed up before me.
'What else has happened today?'
I sighed, then told him about the letter from Ed's brother. His mouth went slack with shock.
'Christ, how
awful
. So what did you do?'
'I went to see Ed, in his office, and I told him he had to do it. And then I left him. For good. And that's the other thing that's happened to me today. I've finished with Ed. '
'You've left him?'
'Yes. '
He pulled me to him, even closer. 'Good. No going back?'
'No, ' I said emphatically. 'No going back. It's
over
!
'Because of what you found out about his brother. '
I nodded. 'It made me feel sick. How could I stay with him now, Theo, knowing that? And he was so vicious to me as well. '
'Was he?'
'Yes. It was only because he was cornered, but he was
vile'
'In what way?'
I cringed at the memory. 'He said this awful thing. '
'What?'
'Well, he accused me of being an agony aunt for all the wrong reasons. He said I was doing it for myself. Out of egotism. '
'Really?'
'Yes, ' I said irritably. 'He did. Out.
Rageous, '
I breathed, freshly incensed.
'Well, aren't you?' said Theo quietly. I looked at the ceiling. There was a crack in it.
'No, ' I replied firmly. 'I'm not. '
'Then why
are
you doing it?'
'Because I know I can. '
'I see. '
'That's the only reason, Theo. '
'But you must enjoy it. '
'Of course I do. I don't deny that—because being an agony aunt is a bit like lighting a fire for a freezing man—you get back a little of that warmth yourself. And, yes, that's a very nice feeling. But Ed said I really do it so that people will feel grateful to me and need me, and like me and admire me, because I feel so… inadequate. '
'That's what he said?'
I felt my lips purse. 'Yes. '
'Well, that wasn't very nice of him. '
'It certainly wasn't. '
'But maybe there's a bit of truth in that. '
'What?'
'Maybe there's a bit of truth there, ' he repeated.
'Oh. Well, thanks very much. How typically tactful of you, Theo. So you think my career's just a crutch, do you?'
'No. Not entirely, ' he replied. 'But the fact is that for twenty years you've been carrying around this huge psychological burden which you've only just begun to address… '
'Well, yes. I have had that… issue, ' I conceded. I suddenly visualised myself as one of those ants carrying a load four times its own size.
'And I just wonder whether you would have wanted to be an agony aunt if you hadn't felt so troubled yourself?'
I looked at him. Would I? 'Yes. Yes, I would. '
'Are you sure, Rose?' he asked quietly. Cheek!
'Look, I hope you're not on Ed's side, ' I said indignantly, sitting up. 'Because what he said was so vicious and mean-spirited. '
'Don't be silly, Rose. It's not like that. I'm just saying that from what I've learned about you—wonderful though you are—I think you probably
are
an agony aunt as much for yourself as for your readers. Maybe Ed's got a point there. '
'Well thank you!' I exclaimed as I reached for my shirt. 'It's nice to know you share his high opinion of me. '
'I do have a high opinion of you. '
'Oh yeah?'
''Course I do. But all I'm saying is, well, why not be honest about the fact that your motives are maybe, a bit mixed?'
'Because I'm not going to admit to being some emotional cripple who needs to prop herself up with the problems of others. ' How
could
I admit to that? I mean, Christ!—it would make me no better than Citronella Pratt! 'I am an agony aunt, ' I said, as I stood up. 'Because I want to help people, that's all. '
'Rose, I don't doubt that, but the question is
why
!
'Why?' I said staring at him.
'Yes.
Why
do you want to help people?'
'Because… I'm good at it, that's why. And because I know I can make a real difference to their lives. I have saved marriages, ' I said. I thought of the itchy-fingered arsonist. 'And perhaps even lives. I've been able to, well, yes, to rescue my readers from their problems. They depend on me. '
'I'm sorry, Rose, I don't think that's true. I think you probably depend on them to quite an extent. '
'Oh, well, thanks, Theo—that's
great
!'
'Look, it's nothing to feel bad about. We all have deep seated motives for doing what we do. All I'm saying is there's no shame in acknowledging it, that's all. '
'I see. So you think I should go round telling everyone that the reason I'm an agony aunt is because I'm such a pathetic inadequate—is that it?'
'No, I'm not saying that. '
'I do it out of altruism. '
'Really?'
'Of course I do! Because why the hell would anyone spend all day thinking about other people's ghastly, boring, sordid, and quite often, pathetic, problems if they didn't have to?'
'That's
exactly
my point. Why
would
anyone? Unless they enjoyed feeling needed. And I think that you do. '
'I
don't
!'
'You do, Rose. And it's nice to feel needed. There's nothing wrong with that. And after all, you must feel that your mother didn't need you… '
'No, ' I said bitterly. 'She
didn't
! She didn't need me. She didn't need me at
all
—so she threw me away!'
'So maybe feeling that you're needed by your readers makes you feel better about that. And it's quite understandable. '
'Well thanks very much. Look, why don't you just stop getting at me?' I snapped as I zipped up my skirt. 'I've had quite enough. '