Resilient (2) (17 page)

“God, stalker much?” she said under her breath as she jammed the button angrily with her finger. She wasn’t sure what to do with that one. Avoidance was not a long term solution, so she decided a discussion was in order. But later, now she just wanted to get home and have dinner with her son.
 

Ian had sent her a text asking when they could get together this week, she told him she wasn’t sure. Teddy would be with her the full week and she was really looking forward to it. Teddy and Ian were buddies, so they could all do something together this weekend.
 

Should she tell Teddy? He was almost eleven and wasn’t ignorant to the male-female dynamic. David had even had “the talk” with him. Nothing like having Dad shack up with a woman that isn’t your mom to get the ol’ birds and the bees discussion going.
 

Still, she didn’t want to advertise the fact that she and Ian were now sleeping together. But it wouldn’t hurt to let him know they were dating. That word didn’t seem to fit, though. They were close friends that decided to what? Have sex? The only thing that had seemed to change was the physical aspect of their relationship. It would work itself out. Teddy was mature and kind, he would want his mom to be happy, bottom line.

“Hey, sis,” Katrine said, cradling the phone between her neck and ear.

“Hey, sis, indeed. You’ve been home a whole day and I still haven’t heard about your trip,” Maddie scolded.

“Sorry, we got back yesterday evening and then Teddy got home. Today I had work and school, now I’m making dinner.” Katrine had four pots on the stove and was stirring gravy in one.

“Okay, never mind. I took a nap and went shopping. I have no right to bitch.”

“Why don’t you come over this week? We can have dinner and then catch up, okay?”

“I can come on Wednesday. You know I want details, right?”

“Yeah, I know.”

And boy did she ever. She wanted to know size, technique, stamina, you name it. As soon as Teddy was tucked into bed, she pounced, like a nosy-ass panther.

“Um, I was on a beautiful beach, too. Don’t you want to hear about the food or the snorkeling?”

“Fuck, no. Who the hell cares about the stupid fish? I want to know about Ian and you in that hammock, in the pool, and anywhere else you two did it.”

“How do you know we did it in any of those places? Why do you assume we had sex?”

“Please, sis, you have that ‘I’ve been rode long, hard, and well’ look all over your face. You know you can’t hide things from me.”

“Okay. We had sex, all right.”

“No shit. Now spill before I tickle it out of you,” Maddie showed Katrine her fingers and wiggled them in the air.

“Well played, Maddie, well played.” So after the wine was poured, so was the info. When Katrine finished, Maddie’s mouth was hanging open.

“I knew it! I knew he was a tiger in the sack. It’s always the sweet quiet ones.”

“I thought the same thing. Mild mannered architect by day, sexual commando by night.” They both laughed and toasted to hot sex.

“Thank you for being so forth-cumming,” she winked, “but what I really want to know is are you still on the fence about him or are you going for it? I know it wasn’t contingent upon sex. I think you were going to do that anyway.”

“No, you’re right. The physical stuff was a factor, but not the only factor. Sis, he’s amazing, but you know that. What’s my problem? He would never hurt me, but I’m still hesitant. I hate to punish him for the sins of assholes past. But I can’t change how I feel.” She paused and took a sip of wine.
 

Maddie took a large drink as if to fortify herself for what she was about to say. “Can I ask you something? And I want complete honesty. No judgment, I promise.” Katrine nodded, feeling both curious and nervous. “If you’d never met Xander, would you be hesitating?” Katrine knew what she was asking and wasn’t sure how to answer. It was the first time her sister had referred to him by name and it was strange to hear it out loud. It made her chest feel a bit heavy. She hated that he still had that effect on her, the mere mention of his name. And that pissed her off.

God, let it go already!

“I know what you’re saying and if you want me to be honest, no judgment,” she pointed her finger at Maddie as a reminder, “without Xander… there wouldn’t be a question. But the thing is, there is no Xander. That’s what’s so frustrating. He’s out of my life and out of the picture yet he still has an effect on me. The way I felt about him, it holds me back. I hate that. I hate to admit it out loud. Damn it! I hate it, but it’s the truth.” Tears fell onto her cheeks and she drew a labored breath. That was difficult. But at the same time it was cathartic and freeing to unload the burden she’d been carrying alone all these months. Maddie pulled her into a hug. “Trine, I figured as much. That was the only reason I could think of. And as much as I hate to say it, because I’d wear Manhattan’s balls for earrings if I could. I get it. But you said so yourself, he isn’t and won’t ever be in the picture. So how do you exorcise that d-bag?”

“Sis, I’ve tried. I’ve tried pretending he doesn’t exist. I’ve tried to just be grateful for the experience. I don’t know what to do. I think eventually time will do the trick, but what if it doesn’t? That’s my biggest fear. It’s not that Ian is second choice, it’s that I’m afraid I’ll always wonder what if and that isn’t fair to Ian. Oh shit, Mads. I am screwed.”

“No, you’re not screwed, you’re human. So what? You want to give him another chance?” Maddie asked, brows pushed together.

“No! His life is there and mine is here. It would never work. I mean it’s not like he’s tried to contact me or…” Just then she remembered the flowers. “Well, there was one thing. Out of the blue he sent me flowers a few days after my birthday. It was so strange. But that’s the only contact since August and the only contact since. It wasn’t exactly a declaration of
 
love. It was more like to remind me he was still alive type of thing.”

“Did you talk to him after that?”

“No, I gave the flowers away and didn’t even thank him. It was too little and way too late, ya know.”

“I’m so confused,” Maddie huffed.

“Try being me, Mads, try being me.”

“It sounds like you’re screwed after all, sis. I have no idea what to tell you.”

Katrine sat up tall and put her shoulders back, “You know what, you don’t have to say a thing. The only one who can change my situation, is me. I have it in me to make my life what I want it to be. And I want to be happy. I want to be loved. And most of all I want a clear path in front of me. Worrying about what was or what might have been, what a waste of time. I choose to focus on what will be. I control my own destiny.”

“Obi Wan has taught you well,” Maddie said, mimicking Darth Vader, badly. Giggling they went into the kitchen for another glass of wine, having had their fill of heavy conversation.
 

Sayonara Xander Abbot…Thanks for the memories.

Chapter 17

They both fell back, crashing into the pillows with chests heaving below smiles of contentment.

“I’ve wanted to do that all week. But damn, it was worth the wait,” Ian groaned, pulling Katrine into his chest.

“I know, me too. But I just had to wait until Teddy was back at his dad’s. I just feel weird about it. I’m sure I won’t always feel this way, but for now I need the boundary. Is that all right?” she asked, raising her head so she could see his face.

“Baby, it’s fine. I understand. Besides he’s there half of the time. It gives us plenty of opportunities to be together. We just had to wait longer since he was with you a full week after the trip. But I’m not complaining, you know how I feel about the little dude. I love being around him.”

“I know. He loves you, too. You’re his bud.” She got serious for a moment.

“You got a look. What’s on your mind?” Ian asked, pushing the hair away from her face.

“Well, I guess I’m worried about him. You know, getting closer to you. That has been my main fear about dating after the divorce. I don’t want Teddy getting attached and then things don’t work out.” Her head was down, focusing on the circles she was making on his smooth chest. Ian sat silent for several minutes.

“Now you have a face. What’s wrong?” she asked.
 

“Something has been bothering me for weeks now, but I’ve kept it to myself. I thought maybe I was being paranoid, but now I’m thinking maybe not.” He sat on the edge of the bed, his back towards her. She frowned and sat up, pulling the sheet to cover herself.
 

“Ian?”

“Katrine, what’s going on? You always say, if we don’t work out or something open ended like that. I get the feeling that you have one foot out the door. I understood at first, but I really thought we’d be past this by now. You should be past it…So the real question is, are you in or out, Katrine?” He was pissed, which was even more evident when he stood up and started to pull up his boxers. She couldn’t be mad at his tone because he had every right to question her. Despite her decision to go for it, she always said things to keep it open, just in case. Ian wasn’t stupid, he could tell, and he’d finally had enough. Ian continued to put his clothes on, and when he grabbed for his shoes she scurried off the bed.

“Ian, please don’t leave. I’m sorry, I don’t know what my problem is. You’re who I want to be with. I’m just having a hard time.”

“Katrine, I’m sorry, but that’s bullshit.” He pulled out of her grasp and went to get his watch off of her dresser. “I fucking love you, Katrine. Sometimes I think you love me too, but then sometimes it feels as if you’re miles away. Damn it!” He ran his over his face. “If I thought you just needed to take it slow, then I’d be patient, but it’s something else. I can’t put my finger on it. But god damn it, if this is about that asshole from last summer, tell me now!” He turned from her and she saw him take a calming breath. He turned to her. “Figure it out, okay? If you’re still not over it, then okay, we’ll take it slow. But if you’re never going to get over it, then there’s no room for me.” He kissed her on the temple then on the lips, and walked out.
 

Wearing nothing but a sheet, she watched him leave.
 

How did things go bad so quickly? One minute they were in each other’s arms after some incredible sex and the next they were breaking up.

“Oh god, did we just break up?”

The thought made her heart seize. She didn’t want to break up, she loved Ian. But he was right, she was still holding back.
 

“DAMN IT, KATRINE! You are never going to see him again. Let it go!”
 
she screamed into the ceiling. But knowing in your head and believing in your heart were two different things entirely. She didn’t think she was still in love with him, it was the idea of him. And of course the extravagant gifts, trips, and dinners. Who wouldn’t love that? But that wasn’t real life, at least not her life. Her life was here, in Texas, with her son and the people she loved and who loved her.

The thought of losing Ian was the final ass kicking she needed. Katrine scrambled to throw some clothes on and ran out the door. She got to his house in less than ten minutes. She ran up to his door and jammed in the door bell three times.

Okay, relax, I’m sure he heard it the first time.

When he didn’t come to the door, she went around back. Katrine opened the gate to find him swaying in a hammock. He’d put it between two large elm trees that were just beyond the pool. Ruby was laying in the grass beside him, enjoying a head scratch

“When did you put that in?” Her voice was softer than she intended, but she knew he heard.

“Right when we got back. I couldn’t get the hammock from Mexico out of my mind. I get in it every night.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” By then she was right next to him, but made no move to join him. What she had to say, she wanted to be on firm ground.

“I wanted to surprise you. Surprise.”

“Look, I get why you’re upset with me. But you said it yourself that night in Mexico. We would figure out the rest later. Well, this is the rest.” Okay, she was supposed to be smoothing things over, not blowing up. But those were his words. “Did you mean what you said or were you only thinking about getting me into bed?” Whoops, so not helping. And the look he gave her only reinforced the not helping part.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean that. But it’s not fair to say all of those things and then change your mind. I thought we were on the same page.” She sat in the grass beside Ruby and started to rub her soft tummy. Ruby rolled over to give her better purchase.

“Turn coat,” Ian grumbled to Ruby and sat up. “Katrine, I’m not trying to rush you. I thought we were on the same page, too. But what if I was still pining for Amber, but trying to start something with you? How would that make you feel? The way I see it, those are two different pages.”
 

He has me there…

“Okay, let me be honest. There are parts of me that still wonder what if, but the thought of losing you… Ian, that breaks my heart. You are in here.” She pressed her fist into her chest. “My life doesn’t make sense without you in it. Ian, I love you. Please don’t end this before we have a chance.” She started to cry. That had him leaping off of the hammock and lifting her off the ground.

“Don’t cry, Katie-Mac,” he said against her hair. “I’m sorry I got so mad, I’m not leaving you.” She cried into his chest. These tears were for the future she would never have with Xander, the thought of losing Ian, and for herself. For letting go, finally.

“That’s the first time you’ve said it and meant it that way,” he smiled.

“I know.” She gave him a soft kiss. “I could say it again if you want.” He nodded with a shy smile on his lips.

“I love you.”

She was glad to discover that when two people make love in a hammock, being quiet is not an issue whatsoever.

She pulled the large silver handle on the frosted glass door and stepped inside. The subtle scent of lavender and the soft sound of a piano activated her zen button. The walls and floors were white and the room was filled with sunlight. She approached an attractive olive-skinned young lady behind a high white marble counter with a smile and gave her name.