“The first time he had me do something for a bigger crowd was with a bunch of his teammates. All their girlfriends were there too. After a few beers, the guys wanted us girls to strip…and we did, one by one. I was the last to go. By the time the last of my clothes was tossed out of my reach, a full blown game of musical chairs with sex partners was going on, and I was immediately yanked down to my knees by two massive linebackers.”
“My boyfriend came to my rescue, pulled me on the side and told me how he didn’t want to share me with any of his friends. I was so
thankful
. He told me if I just gave him a blowjob in front of everyone, that’d get them off my back. So I did.” She swallowed the acrid taste in her mouth at the memory. “I even remember feeling so special to be the one girl whose guy wouldn’t share her.” She laughed bitterly at herself. “I didn’t know it was all part of his long con.”
“After that night, for a while, everything was great. Fairytale-like. I was totally smitten. And a part of me did this whole ‘told-you-it-wasn’t-a-big-deal’ thing. That’s why I was blindsided by the party at his friend’s house a few weeks later—basically a huge orgy.” Abby watched the muscle tick in Connor’s cheek and tamped down her mortification. “He said the same thing as last time, that all I’d have to do was ‘perform,’ no big deal. But then before I knew what was happening, all my clothes were off and he’d kissed me up onto the center of the dining table with everyone surrounding it, guys and girls. And video cameras.”
She didn’t realize she was shaking until she felt Connor squeeze her hand. “I still remember the big crystal chandelier above that dining table. There I was naked in front of dozens of kids, half of whom didn’t even go to my school. And all I could do was stare at that chandelier. Half hoping it would fall from the ceiling so I could stop. Get up and go home. But it didn’t. It kept right on hanging there, twinkling at me…while I masturbated for them all.”
Something dark and vicious crossed Connor’s face. Along with pity. Stifling, drowning shame almost prevented her from going on. But she continued, wanting, needing him to understand. “I can still hear them yelling, egging me on. But I just couldn’t come. So that’s when the requests started rolling in. Folks were demanding I eat out some of the girls or suck off the guys. I was drunk, and a little high off pot, but I still knew for certain that I didn’t want to. I’d had enough.”
Though she’d replayed that night hundreds of times in her head, the next part still slammed her like a wrecking ball each time. “When I started crying and grabbing my clothes to leave, my boyfriend just wrapped his arms around me and began ‘comforting’ me. Telling me how he’d never been more turned on in his life, how sexy I was. And then he busted out the big guns and told me he loved me.
Loved me
. That’s all it took. Three little words and I was crawling back on that table, heading over to a group of kids going at it on the other end. The cheering all around got so loud…” She shut her eyes.
“It was so loud I didn’t hear my parents barge in.”
Knife-cutting humiliation and remorse sliced through her fresh like it did every time she saw their devastated faces in her mind. Connor’s face right now was a close third. “Apparently, some girl from the party had called my house, told my parents where I was and that I was in trouble. I never found out who, never got to thank her from putting a halt to something I would’ve regretted more than having my folks see me like that. As the free entertainment at a high school sex party.” She trudged through the rest, didn’t bother glossing over how stupid she’d really been. “My parents threw a jacket on me and rushed me out to their car so fast, I almost didn’t see my boyfriend in all the chaos. But he made sure I did. He winked and blew me a kiss goodbye, then reached over and started fingering a drunk girl beside him, right there in front of me. And I actually cried over that, over
him
the entire ride home.”
“I would’ve killed him,” Connor snarled, enraged. “Still could if you give me his name. That guy was a sick, twisted psychopath who took advantage of you, broke you, practically brainwashed you. For chrissakes, you were what, only seventeen?”
“Sixteen. And yeah, that’s what my folks kept telling me.” Hot tears welled in her eyes. “To this day, I still can’t believe I put them through that.” Her voice broke. “After how hard they worked to give me a great childhood, that’s how I repaid them. I didn’t have a sad home life or tragic backstory; my own selfish idiocy was the sole reason I’d turned into a teenage slut.”
“
Don’t ever call yourself that!
”
She jumped, never having heard such a hard edge to his voice before. “But I was. A slut for him, at least. It’s okay. I don’t make excuses for it. I’m not proud of who I was then and my not sweeping it under a rug is what has made me who I am today. Like you said, I could’ve said no at any point. It was on me that I didn’t.” When he started to object, she held up a hand. “Don’t try to convince me otherwise. My body, my decisions. And as you can see,” she waved her hands over herself. “I turned out just fine. From porn star to professor.”
“That’s not funny,” he bit out.
“Yeah, my mom doesn’t like that joke either. Whenever I make a crack like that she always scolds me and tells me I should let go of the past. Let go more, period—she seems to think I overcorrected a bit with my life. But I don’t. I like who I am now. If guys call me a goodie-goodie stuck-up tease, so be it. I know who I am.”
“And who is that, Abby?” asked Connor softly.
“I’m the nice girl by choice—my wish, my reality.”
His eyes hardened. “So now I’m the new asshole corrupting that reality.”
Her brows shot up in alarm. “What?! No!”
“Is that what the sexual inquisition was about the other day?” Now he sounded downright livid. “All that threesome talk? Is that what you think of me? You think I’m like that
monster
who tortured you in high school?!”
“Of course not!” she gasped. “I asked you all that because I was genuinely curious. What happened when I was sixteen was less about the sex and more about the control. The control I gave up over my own life.” When he looked unconvinced, she grabbed his wrist. “I’m telling you the truth.”
“Are you? You tell me guys basically call you frigid but here you were the other day asking me about every raunchy thing I’ve ever done. I know you weren’t just teasing me, either; you’re just not built like that. So what the hell, Abby? Do you see me the way you saw that guy? Do you feel like you have to be a slutty plaything for me? Because it’s not true. Not at all. I’d hate to have any woman be like that for me.”
“I know that, Connor, I swear. I wasn’t planning on losing myself with you, or
for
you. All that talk wasn’t specific to you. I’d have had the same questions for any guy whose sexual history differed from mine. In fact, I make sure of it so we both know what we’re getting into. I’m not repeating the mistakes I made back then; I know the difference between identity and fantasy now. Whether or not I like your fantasies, I’m not changing my identity. Not for you or for any guy.”
“Stop talking about being with other guys!” he exploded.
She eyed him warily.
“What if I’d wanted the threesomes, Abby? What then?”
“I would’ve considered it seriously and decided if it was something I really wanted.”
“So consider it now. Humor me.” His scowl was fierce.
She shoved a ruthless lid on her embarrassment, trying desperately to show she really did want a logical discussion about this. Heck, she’d had it with each of the three other guys she’d dated seriously in the past. Just…in a far more hypothetical manner, since their fantasy sexcapades didn’t come close to Connor’s real life history. “I’d be too jealous to share you with another woman,” she confessed. “So I’d have said no to that.”
A low grunt was his only response.
“As for you and another guy.” She bit her lip. “I admit the thought of it is a little hot. But…” How was she supposed to explain it? How was she supposed to tell him that she couldn’t even remotely consider a threesome if true emotions were involved…something that was fast becoming the case with Connor. “I feel like I’d lose the connection of being with you, just the two of us. So no, I wouldn’t want that either.”
“I feel the same way.”
She smiled at his clipped, audibly relieved response. There, that wasn’t so bad. “Then it’s settled—no threesomes. See? Mature and rational. I know when I brought it up the other day we were goofing around but this was what I wanted. This control right here? I
gave
him this when I was sixteen. That’s what I hated the most about it all. So now, I keep that control secured tight. Live by it, rise and fall by it.”
His expression softened. “That’s what you meant when you said you
need
the two weeks you asked for? For control?”
“Yes. Back then, I felt like I didn’t know my own mind, and that the few times I did, I didn’t stand up for what I wanted, good or bad. If I’d
wanted
to be a slut, I wouldn’t have hated myself so much. But that wasn’t the case. I was weak, every bit the mindless plaything he’d turned me into. Too scared to admit to him what I did and didn’t want, and foolish enough to convince myself that his wants were mine. I’m never going back to that. Now, every decision in my life is mine. I take a good look at my wishes, whatever they may be, and work hard to make them my reality.
That’s
how I came back from that, by taking 100% ownership of my life.”
She slid a hand along his cheek. “And that’s what I have to do here. With us. This past week, I haven’t been totally honest with myself on what I truly want. I hid from it. The truth is, you are most definitely a wish I want to become my reality. Even if it’s only going to be a short reality.”
That last part made him flinch.
“I’m entering with my eyes wide open,” she reassured him. “Telling you my sordid past simply reminded me how being scared to admit to and hold true to what I really want never got me anywhere good.
You’re
what I want, Connor. What I’ve wanted for a while if I’m being perfectly honest.”
She felt his heart rate pick up under her palm.
“Dammit, Abby. You can’t offer yourself up to me on a silver platter after telling me everything you just did.”
“I know. So that’s why we should just eat, talk, watch a movie. Do everything we’ve been doing. For tonight.”
“And tomorrow?”
“I’ll be just like your other one-month women.” She smothered her body’s immediate objection to that statement and held his gaze. “I’m not resisting what I want anymore.”
That one, her body didn’t have any complaints over, seeing as how it was the absolute truth.
Resisting Connor Sullivan was no longer an option.
C
HAPTER
S
IX
A
S FAR AS MORNING AFTER
big declarations go, Abby decided this one was going fairly smoothly. Probably because they were both on their laptops pretending they weren’t sitting six feet from each other.
But after the third mumbled apology when their hands collided reaching for someone on the table, she got pissed. Shoot, if she only had another three weeks with the man, this was
not
how she was going to spend it.
She grabbed her phone and started texting.
>> Were the white panties the only one you saw?
>> …you know, that day in my lil’ bag-o-fun?
She kept her eyes down as Connor reached for his beeping phone. Amusement flickered over his features, soon followed by a hint of wariness. Good. She liked him off-kilter.
A second later, he was texting back. Four quick taps.
>> Yes.
Pause.
>> Why?
She smiled, waiting far longer than she needed to reply.
>> Because I bought a pair of red ones, too.
Another pause. And just the slightest gulp.
>> That’s…interesting. Good for you.
That’s it? Eyes narrowed, she kicked it up a notch.
>> Thx. I like ‘em. Mostly because they’re, well…
She dragged it out. This was too much fun.
>> less ‘conservative’ than the white pair.
An almost choked throat clearing sputtered out from his end of the dining room.
Excellent.
>> Plus, it’s not ‘easy access,’ but rather…
She tapped the second half of the text out, but purposely didn’t put it through. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Connor practically glaring at his phone.
He broke first.
>> Rather, WHAT?
She clicked send.
>> ALL access.
“Jesus Christ.” It was a hiss more than anything else and oh, so delicious. Now to go in for the kill…
“I’m wearing them now.” She said it aloud instead of texting it. And saw instant, raw desire flare up in his eyes.
An answering rush of heat charged through her.
“Abby, we don’t have to do this.” The corners of his mouth softened into a look of genuine affection. “I was wrong. We can most definitely be friends. I’ve really enjoyed this past week with you. More than I’d ever imagined possible. I hated hearing you say you were going to be just like my other one-month women.” He held her gaze. “You’ll never be ‘just’ anything. Let alone that.”