Resurrecting Ghosts (MC Romance) (Kings of Chaos Book 4) (4 page)

I shrug. “I don’t know. I haven’t had a chance to think it through. I was kind of blindsided. I always figured I would just not have kids and avoid the Russian roulette.”

“You’re rash. I think what happened to your parents fucked with your melon in a major way, man. Your perception is flawed and biased. They were a worst case scenario. There was a lot more than the disease at work. It was two volatile, drug dependent, alcohol dependent people behaving irresponsibly.”

I grunt. Hearing it laid out in black and white always sticks in my craw.

“I’m not trying to piss you off. I know it’s hard to talk about, but this is your future. If you continue to let your past intrude on the present, you’re going to be a lonely bitter ass man who doesn’t know his kid.”

The picture he’s painting is stark and barren as the desert. “I don’t want that.”

“Then make shit right with Ruthie, and make her your Old Lady. If that’s what you want.”

“How did you know?”

“Know what?” he asked pulling out a cigarette.

“That Blue was it, and you weren’t making a mistake?”

Shadow tilts his head back and studies the sky as he blows smoke rings. “Just looked at her one day and it all clicked. She wasn’t the little girl I looked out for anymore, and none of the other biker bunnies or King Chasers held any appeal. I got sick of the fucking and sucking fast. I wanted family. I was different in that way. Waiting for her only increased my want. I had Bolton to think of though. It’s why I was slow to act. He was going through hell with Cal, and I didn’t want to add to the confusion. You don’t have that problem.”

I chug the bottle until the tightness in my chest recedes. “I don’t want to end up like my father. The kid and Ruthie might be better off with me paying child support and acting as a weekend dad.”

“Shit, I don’t know that any kid is better off with that. Especially if it’s a boy, they need guidance. If it’s a girl, you’ll be teaching her that dudes bail. That’s going to lead to a lifetime worth of sorrows there.”

Damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t.

“You got a kid coming now, man. You need to get your head straight, whatever that entails.”

“What you think I need to see a head shrinker?” I ask.

“I think you need something more than that bottle. Cause come morning, your issues will still be there.”

My vision hazes around the edge and I laugh. “Shadow the Sage.”

“I ain’t saying I’m wise about a lot of shit. But I know how to be a good dad.”

“Dad, where’s Mom?” Bolt yells.

“She’s staying over at your aunt Ruthie’s tonight. What’s up?”

“Need some paperwork signed for school.”

“I got it. Give me a minute, Skull is here for the night. Probably going to be puking his guts up come morning, so I’d get that shower in tonight, if I was you.”

“Fucking awesome, Dad,” Bolt calls back.

I laugh at their banter. Yeah, Shadow knew a lot about being a good father. What he didn’t know was how deep my demons ran and what a motherfucker’s fear could be. I polish off the rest of the bottle, and let the liquor wash away my worries.

Chapter Three

Ruthie

I nibble on Graham crackers to settle my stomach and burrow deeper into the couch. A can of sprite rests on the colorful round coaster on the end table beside my couch.

“How are you feeling?” Blue asks.

“Like I’m preggers.”

Blue snickers. “Good, because you are.”

“Thanks for taking care of the food from last night by the way.”

“I noticed it was gone when I got back. I left it there as insurance policy. I thought you were going to bail on me.”

“Can’t say the thought didn’t cross my mind. I held my breath and ran it to the garbage can when he got here.”

“What happened in the bathroom before I arrived last night?”

I place a hand on my flat stomach. “I don’t think he wants the baby.”

“Did he say that?”

“Not in so many words.”

“Give me details. You’re highly emotional right now,” Blue says.

“He looked over at the sink and said ‘no’. It wasn’t what he said. It was the look on his face and the anguish in his voice. I never imagined I’d find myself here. What the hell am I going to do? God, my mother is going to have a victory party. This is the ultimate proof that all my rebellious ways would lead me to ruin. Even though she’s divorced, she’s so traditional. It’s why Rochelle is the favorite. She married Tim out of college and had a baby not long after.”

“And she comes over here every chance she gets. I can’t see that she’s the real winner out of the two of you.”

“Yes, but she didn’t have to do this alone,” I whisper biting the inside of my cheek.

“And neither will you. As much as you helped me with Bolton, you know I’m here when you need me as well as the rest of KOC. This baby is part of the Kings of Chaos. We take care of our own. Skull is shell shocked right now, but he’s a good guy who cares an awful lot about you. He’ll get his shit together. In the meantime, you won’t want for anything.”

“But I’ll still be alone. I wanted traditional. At least my own version of it.”

“Then fight for it.”

“How?”

“By not putting up a wall and shutting him out. This is new to him. Give him time to digest it. Allow him to be around for the big things. I’m talking ultrasounds, cravings, and the sickness. Make him work for it. Don’t roll over. I know that’s what you’re afraid of. Losing yourself and being what you perceive to be weak. Don’t do that. You can’t block him out either, because you’ll regret that too. I know you, Ruthie. You are in deep with him, baby aside. I think he’s your one. He’s damaged, like most of our boys. They live a rough life, see things most people can’t imagine, and often come from bad situations. I don’t know his whole story, but I know he was raised by his grandparents and his parents are both deceased.”

“What happened to them?”

“I’m not sure. It’s filed under the
none of my business
category. I always suspected it’s part of why he was such a playboy.”

“Maybe there’s more to his attitude than I thought,” I say hopeful.

“He’s an iceberg. The tip on the outside is a small portion of what lies beneath, and believe me when I say you’ve seen more of him than most.”

“Do you think so?”

“Is that what you’re worried about? That you’re just another notch on his belt?”

“I didn’t use to think that, but that slip up of his and these hormones have me all up in my head.”

“Well, get the hell out of there, woman.” Blue shook my knee.

“I’ll try.”

A key turns in the lock. “Did I mention Loverboy snaked my keys?”

“So damn overbearing.” I huff.

“Get used to that. With the pregnancy, it’s only going to get worse.”

“Oh Joy,” I whine with mock enthusiasm.

“Hey, you up?”

His gravelly voice makes my belly flip like a pancake.

“We’re in the living room,” Blue calls out. She holds out her hand. “Can I get my keys back?”

“Yeah, I made copies,” Skull replies with a smirk. Stubble covers his chin and sunglasses hide his dark brown gaze.

“Rough night?” I ask. I know his hangover façade by now.

“Interesting night, rough morning.”

I smirk. “Then you know how I feel.”

He grimaces and pats his stomach. “That I do.”

Blue stands. “You don’t need me here. I’ll check in with you later, yeah?”

“I’ll call you,” I say.

Skull plops down on the loveseat beside me, crowding me. “Are you good to talk right now? I see you have crackers.”

“Just par for the course. I’ll make an appointment first thing Monday morning.” I clear my throat keeping Blue’s words in mind. I need to give him a chance to explain. “You want to tell me what happened last night?”

He perches on the edge of the couch and leans down placing his elbows on his thighs. “Mental illness runs in my family. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to have kids because it’s hereditary. It’s one of the things I planned on talking with you about, and then I saw the test.”

I cover my mouth. “I- I had no idea, Tritt. I’m sorry.”

“It’s my own fault for not telling you sooner. It’s not something I like to talk about.”

“Can I ask what?”

“If anyone has the right to ask me now, it’s you…Schizophrenia.”

“That’s why?” I whisper as the puzzle pieces lock together.

“I’m ashamed that I added this to your genepool. You’re amazing, Ruthie. I know I never deserved you and now if you do this, you’re linked with me and my shitty DNA for the rest of our lives.”

“Tritt, don’t talk about yourself like that.”

“Why? It’s the truth. I’m calling it how I see it. I didn’t want to infect you. Now you want to pass it on.”

“What if he or she isn’t affected by it?” I ask, challenging his train of thought.

“Then we dodge a bullet and have to worry about their children, and their children’s children.”

“All you see is the possibility of mental illness, not the child. A little boy or girl who looks like me and you. A tiny being dependent on us for survival.”

“I have to.”

“Why?”

“Because If I don’t prepare myself and it happens…” He trails off and looks out the window over my shoulder.

“And if it doesn’t? I’m not going to let fear keep me from seeing this baby be born. So you need to get ready for the arrival. No more talk about not having the bean, you understand?” I point my finger at him.

“Even knowing this you’d have my baby?” he rasps.

“I
am
having your child.”

He runs a hand through his hair and gives a half laugh. “Yeah, I guess you are.”

I set aside my hurt from before and run my hands through his silken hair. It’s rare I see it without product. “Are you with me on this? Cause I kind of need your help.”

He rests his forehead against mine. “I’m with you. I’m a stubborn, cranky bastard. I’ll piss you off and make mistakes, but I’ll never leave you. Don’t give up on me, girl. I promise you I’ll get it all figured out.”

“You know I’m going to call you on your bullshit?” I ask tentatively.

“I’m counting on it.”

I grip his cut. “You know I’m still pissed at you, right?”

“Never again,” he says solemnly.

“You’ll never let some slut give you head, or you won’t leave a trail of bread crumbs for me to follow.”

“You made it clear how you felt. I can use my hand and your dirty little mouth in my ear.”

I can’t fight back the smile that spreads across my lips. “Deal.”

“So, I’m forgiven?”

“Yes, but it’s going to take me a while to trust you again, and really forget.”

“Fair enough. How are you feeling?”

“Sick to my stomach off and on, hungry, and emotional as hell which I’m not used to.”

“It’s kind of funny seeing the cool and calm Ruthie Gregg get a little unraveled.”

“That’s because you’re an asshole.”

“Yeah, but I’m
your
asshole, right?”

“Looks like it,” I say with a roll of my eyes. We’re not okay by any means, but this is a starting point. I want to ask him more about his parents, but I don’t want to push my luck. We’ve got less than nine months to get our shit where it needs to be. I’m wary and my guard is up. Nothing about this transitional period will be easy. Of course, nothing worth having ever is.

***

“I need to get going. I have to start my shift at the grill. I’m closing tonight.”

I’m relieved. His presence is suffocating. His scent lulls me into a false sense of security and his warmth makes me want to press my body against his. I’m not into giving mixed messages. So I’ve forced myself to remain in my corner of the love seat. “All right. I’ll talk to you tomorrow after I get off work and make an appointment.”

He stands and offers his hand pulling me to my feet. “Yeah, I want to talk to you about that.” He scratches the back of his head. “I don’t want you here by yourself.”

“Are you serious? I can’t be that far along yet.”

“Yet, you’re already sick,” he says.

“It’s called morning sickness. No one dies from it.”

“I still don’t like it. Last night you were pale as hell, shaky and off kilter.”

“Yeah, cause I had an asshole pissing me off and causing undue stress.”

“Your job is fast paced and demanding. How’s that going to affect you?”

“Look, I appreciate the concern, but it’s unwarranted.”

“I don’t care what big words you use. You’re not living by yourself anymore.”

I throw my hands up in the air. “So what? You’re going to post another prospect up in here? Do you know how hard it was to explain him away during your lock down? I had to come up with some flimsy excuse about freelance work.”

“You were safe, that’s all I cared about,” he retorts firmly.

“I’m not going to do this. You don’t get to boss me around.” I cross my arms and lean back. He’s so used to being in power, he plows ahead regardless of what I say. I’m not going to take that.

“That’s where you’re wrong. I’m moving in.”

His words stun me. It’s not what I was expecting. “E-excuse me.” I place my hands on my hips. “No.”

“Yeah.”

“Hell, no. I don’t want to look at your face every day. I’m still upset with you.”

“I don’t think you’ll mind when it’s between your thighs.”

“That doesn’t fix everything,” I say squirming to relieve the pressure building between my legs as my body responds to his lust filled gaze.
I am more than my hormones.

“You sure about that?” He licks his lip.

I growl. “Positive. You should go before you’re late,” I say opening the door.

“Clear out space for me, I’ll be here tomorrow.”

“No Tritt.”

“It’s going to happen, babe,” he calls over his shoulder as he strolls away. His jeans hugging his tight ass.

As much as I wanted to strangle him, he has my hormones working overtime. I shake my head to clear out the lust, and slam the door behind him. This is what I can’t allow—him to come in, dictate the way things will go, and overwhelm me. He’s magnetic and commanding. Even now, part of me wants to relinquish control and let him take care of everything.

Deep down, I know it’d be a patch job to a problem that would fail later. There are things we need to talk about. Neither of us has been completely up front and it’s going to bite us in the ass. He’s not the only one with secrets. The sins of the father always come back to haunt the son, or in this case—the daughter.

***