Authors: Keith Laumer
Abruptly the Yill abandoned the
double role. Dancing forgotten, he settled down in earnest, cutting, thrusting,
parrying. Now the two stood toe to toe, sabers clashing in a lightning
exchange. The Yill gave a step, two, then rallied, drove Retief back, back—
Retief feinted, laid a hearty whack
across the grey skull. The Yill stumbled, his saber clattered to the floor.
Retief stepped aside as the Yill wavered past him and crashed to the floor.
The orchestra fell silent in a
descending wail of reeds. Retief drew a deep breath and wiped his forehead.
"Come back here, you young
fool!" Spradley called hoarsely.
Retief hefted the saber, turned,
eyed the brocade-draped table. He started across the floor. The Yill sat as if
paralyzed.
"Retief, no!" Spradley
yelped.
Retief walked directly to the
Admirable F'Kau-Kau-Kau, stopped, raised the saber.
"Not the Chief of State,"
someone in the Terrestrial Mission groaned.
Retief whipped the saber down. The
dull blade split the heavy brocade and cleaved the hardwood table. There was
utter silence.
The Admirable F'Kau-Kau-Kau rose,
seven feet of obese grey Yill. His broad face expressionless to the Terran eye,
he raised a fist like a jewel-studded ham.
Retief stood rigid for a long
moment. Then, gracefully, he inclined his head and placed his finger tips on
his temples. Behind him there was a clatter as Ambassador Spradley collapsed.
Then the Admirable F'Kau-Kau-Kau cried out, reached across the table to embrace
the Terrestrial, and the orchestra went mad. Grey hands helped Retief across
the table, stools were pushed aside to make room at F'Kau-Kau-Kau's side.
Retief sat, took a tall flagon of coal-black brandy pressed on him by his
neighbor, clashed glasses with The Admirable, and drank.
"The feast ends,"
F'Kau-Kau-Kau said. "Now you and I, Retief, must straddle the Council
Stool."
"I'll be honored, Your
Admirableness," Retief said. "I must inform my colleagues."
"Colleagues?"
F'Kau-Kau-Kau said. "It is for chiefs to parley. Who shall speak for a
king while he yet has tongue for talk?"
"The Yill way is wise,"
Retief said.
F'Kau-Kau-Kau emptied a squat
tumbler of pink beer. "I'll treat with you, Retief, as viceroy, since as
you say your king is old and the space between worlds is far. But there shall
be no scheming underlings privy to our dealings." He grinned a Yill grin.
"Afterwards we shall carouse, Retief. The Council Stool is hard, and the
waiting handmaidens delectable; this makes for quick agreement."
Retief smiled. "The Admirable
speaks wisdom."
"Of course, a being prefers
wenches of his own kind," F'Kau-Kau-Kau said. He belched. "The
Ministry of Culture has imported several Terrestrial joy-girls, said to be top-
notch specimens. As least they have very fat watchama-callits."
"Your Admirableness is most
considerate," Retief said.
"Let us to it then, Retief. I
may hazard a tumble with one of your Terries, myself. I fancy an occasional perversion."
F'Kau-Kau-Kau dug an elbow into Retief's side and bellowed with laughter.
As Retief crossed to the door at
F'Kau-Kau-Kau's side, Ambassador Spradley glowered from behind the plain
tablecloth. "Retief," he called, "kindly excuse yourself. I wish
a word with you." His voice was icy. Magnan stood behind him, goggling.
"Forgive my apparent rudeness,
Mr. Ambassador," said Retief. "I don't have time to explain
now—"
"Rudeness!" Spradley
yipped. "Don't have time, eh? Let me tell you—"
"Please lower your voice, Mr.
Ambassador," Retief said. "The situation is still delicate."
Spradley quivered, his mouth open.
He found his voice, "You—you—"
"Silence!" Retief
snapped. Spradley looked up at Retief's face, staring for a moment into
Retief's grey eyes. He closed his mouth and swallowed.
"The Yill seem to have gotten
the impression I'm in charge," Retief said. "We'll have to maintain
the deception."
"But—but—" Spradley
stuttered. Then he straightened. "That is the last straw," he
whispered hoarsely. "
I
am the Terrestrial
Ambassador Extraordinary and Minister Plenipotentiary. Magnan has told me that
we've been studiedly and repeatedly insulted, since the moment of our arrival;
kept waiting in baggage rooms, transported in refuse lorries, herded about with
servants, offered swill at the table. Now I, and my senior staff, are left
cooling our heels, without so much as an audience, while this—this multiple Kau
person hobnobs with—with—"
Spradley's voice broke. "I may
have been a trifle hasty, Retief, in attempting to restrain you. Slighting the
native gods and dumping the banquet table are rather extreme measures, but your
resentment was perhaps partially justified. I am prepared to be lenient with
you." He fixed a choleric eye on Retief.
"I am walking out of this meeting,
Mr. Retief. I'll take no more of these personal—"
"That's enough," Retief
said sharply. "We're keeping The Admirable waiting."
Spradley's face purpled.
Magnan found his voice. "What
are you
going to
do, Retief?"
"I'm going to handle the
negotiation," Retief said. He handed Magnan his empty glass. "Now go
sit down and work on the Image."
At his desk in the VIP suite aboard
the orbiting Corps vessel, Ambassador Spradley pursed his lips and looked severely
at Vice-Consul Retief.
"Further," he said,
"you have displayed a complete lack of understanding of Corps discipline,
the respect due a senior officer, even the basic courtesies. Your aggravated
displays of temper, ill-timed outbursts of violence, and almost incredible
arrogance in the assumption of authority make your further retention as an
Officer-Agent of the Corps Diplomatique Terrestrienne impossible. It will
therefore be my unhappy duty to recommend your immediate—"
There was a muted buzz from the
communicator. The Ambassador cleared his throat.
"Well?"
"A signal from Sector HQ, Mr.
Ambassador," a voice said.
"Well, read it," Spradley
snapped. "Skip the prelimin
aries ..."
"Congratulations on the
unprecedented success of your mission. The articles of agreement transmitted by
you embody a most favorable resolution of the difficult Sirenian situation,
and will form the basis of continued amicable relations between the
Terrestrial States and the Yill Empire. To you and your staff, full credit is
due for a job well done. Signed, Deputy Assistant Secretary Sternwheeler."
Spradley cut off the voice
impatiently. He shuffled papers, then eyed Retief sharply.
"Superficially, of course, an
uninitiated observer might leap to the conclusion that the ah . . . results
that were produced in spite of these . . . ah . . . irregularities justify the
latter." The Ambassador smiled a sad, wise smile. "This is far from
the case," he said. "I—"
The communicator burped softly.
"Confound it." Spradley
muttered. "Yes?"
"Mr. T'Cai-Cai has
arrived," the voice said. "Shall I—"
"Send him in, at once."
Spradley glanced at Retief. "Only a two-syllable man, but I shall attempt
to correct these false impressions, make some amends . . ."
The two Terrestrials waited
silently until the Yill Protocol chief tapped at the door.
"I hope," the Ambassador
said, "that you will resist the impulse to take advantage of your unusual
position." He looked at the door. "Come in."
T'Cai-Cai stepped into the room,
glanced at Spradley, then turned to greet Retief in voluble Yill. He rounded
the desk to the Ambassador's chair, motioned him from it, and sat down.
"I have a surprise for you,
Retief," he said in Terran. "I myself have made use of the teaching
machine you so kindly lent us."
"That's good," Retief
said. "I'm sure Mr. Spradley will be interested in hearing what we have to
say."
"Never mind," the Yill
said. "I am here only socially." He looked around the room.
"So plainly you decorate your
chamber; but it has a certain austere charm." He laughed a Yill laugh.
"Oh, you are a strange breed,
you Terrestrials. You surprised us all. You know, one hears such outlandish
stories. I tell you in confidence, we had expected you to be over-
pushes."
"Pushovers," Spradley
said tonelessly.
"Such restraint! What pleasure
you gave to those of us, like myself of course, who appreciated your grasp of
protocol. Such finesse! How subtly you appeared to ignore each overture, while
neatly avoiding actual contamination. I can tell you, there were those who
thought—poor fools—that you had no grasp of etiquette. How gratified we were,
we professionals, who could appreciate your virtuosity—when you placed matters
on a comfortable basis by spurning the cats'-meat. It was sheer pleasure then,
waiting, to see what form your compliment would take."
The Yill offered orange cigars,
then stuffed one in his nostril.
"I confess even I had not
hoped that you would honor our Admirable so signally. Oh, it is a pleasure to
deal with fellow professionals, who understand the meaning of protocol."
Ambassador Spradley made a choking
sound.
"This fellow has caught a
chill," T'Cai-Cai said. He eyed
Spradley dubiously. "Step
back, my man, I am highly susceptible.
"There is one bit of business
I shall take pleasure in attending to, my dear Retief," T'Cai-Cai went
on. He drew a large paper from his reticule. "His Admirableness is determined
that none other than yourself shall be accredited here. I have here my
government's exequatur confirming you as "Terrestrial Consul-General to
Yill. We shall look forward to your prompt return."
Retief looked at Spradley.
"I'm sure the Corps will
agree," he said.
"Then I shall be going,"
T'Cai-Cai said. He stood up. "Hurry back to us, Retief. There is much that
I would show you of the great Empire of Yill." He winked a Yill wink.
"Together, Retief, we shall
see many high and splendid things."
...
In the face of the multitudinous threats to the peace arising naturally
from the complex Galactic situation, the polished techniques devised by Corps
theoreticians proved their worth in a thousand difficult confrontations. Even
anonymous junior officers, armed with briefcases containing detailed
instructions, were able to soothe troubled waters with the skill of experienced
negotiators. A case in point was Consul Passwyn's incisive handling of the
Jaq-Terrestrial contretemps at Adobe ...
Vol. II, reel 91 480 A. E. (AD
2941)
"It's
true
,"
Consul Passwyn said,
"I
requested assignment as Principle
Officer at a small post. But I had in mind one of those charming resort worlds,
with only an occasional visa problem, or perhaps a distressed spaceman or two a
year. Instead, I'm zoo-keeper to these confounded settlers, and not for one
world, mind you, but eight." He stared glumly at Vice-Consul Retief.
"Still," Retief said,
"it gives an opportunity for travel."
"Travel!" the Consul
barked. "I hate travel. Here in this backwater system particularly. . . He
paused, blinked at Retief, and cleared his throat. "Not that a bit of
travel isn't an excellent thing for a junior officer. Marvelous experience."
He turned to the wall-screen and
pressed a button. A system triagram appeared: eight luminous green dots
arranged around a larger disc representing the primary. Passwyn picked up a
pointer, indicating the innermost planet.
"The situation on Adobe is
nearing crisis. The confounded settlers—a mere handful of them—have managed, as
usual, to stir up trouble with an intelligent indigenous life form, the Jaq. I
can't think why they bother, merely for a few oases among the endless deserts.
However, I have, at last, received authorization from Sector Headquarters to
take certain action."
He swung back to face Retief.
"I'm sending you in to handle the situation, Retief—under sealed
orders." He picked up a fat, buff envelope. "A pity they didn't see
fit to order the Terrestrial settlers out weeks ago, as I suggested. Now it's
too late. I'm expected to produce a miracle—a rapprochement between
Terrestrial and Jaq and a division of territory. It's idiotic. However, failure
would look very bad in my record, so I shall expect results." He passed
the buff envelope across to Retief.
"I understood that Adobe was
uninhabited," Retief said, "until the Terrestrial settlers
arrived."
"Apparently that was an
erroneous impression. The Jaq are there." Passwyn fixed Retief with a
watery eye. "You'll follow your instructions to the letter. In a delicate
situation such as this, there must be no impulsive, impromptu element
introduced. This approach has been worked out in detail at Sector; you need
merely implement it. Is that entirely clear?"