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Emme’s huge green eyes got serious. “No. Mommy’s name is Mommy and also Livia. And sometimes Hot Stuff. Not Fred.”

Livia left the room laughing, and Blake sputtered a bit before tickling Emme, judging from her laughs. Thanks to playing Elmo at a stupid high volume—and maybe the white noise of the shower—Livia got to treat herself to the deluxe. She felt like she’d touched the face of God in that shower.

Kellan smiled when she appeared from behind the curtain, and her text message tone for Cole interrupted Elmo, which was odd. She and Cole did not have a big texting relationship. She looked at the screen, and her gasp was audible.

We lost the baby.

“No. Oh, Kyle. Noooo.” Tears crowded the message from her field of vision as she willed it to change. Four years of trying. Eleven weeks of joy. No.

She dressed quickly, hands shaking. After twisting her hair into a bun, she pulled a fussing Kellan from his bouncy seat to nurse. He was full and sleeping not fifteen minutes later. Laughing had taken all his energy. Livia rocked him even though he was clearly relaxed. She felt guilty for having him, for not knowing what it was like to want. The second Blake had mentioned children, she was pregnant—both times. It had been so easy.

Blake knocked at the door, and she told him to enter. “Princess couldn’t wait for a burger, so she’s having microwave popcorn. And I’m boiling water instead of starting the grill because we’re out of propane.” He finally looked at her face. “What’s up?”

She handed him her phone. He glanced at the text and shook his head before taking Kellan from her and setting him in his bassinet. He held out a hand, helping her out of the chair. “Come here.”

“It’s just…She wanted it so bad.” Livia set her head on his chest as he rubbed her back.

“He was really excited too.” Blake pointed at the monitor. Emme watched her favorite show in her room while eating popcorn.

“Is the alarm set?”

Blake nodded.

“Can we? Could you?” She leaned up to kiss his lips.

“I always can. Can you?” Blake clicked the lock on the door.

Livia nodded. “Is that disrespectful? I just need you.”

“Me too.” Blake smiled. “I think it’s okay to be grateful. Any chance we get.”

As his arms came around her, Livia realized it had been a million years since she’d hugged him chest to chest. She hummed. They made out like two horny teenagers, almost stupid about it. But when he slid his hand in her pants, she flinched. “You sure we have time for this?”

He kissed her lips again. “I would make time for this if the world was falling apart around us, and we were in public, and a hungry T-Rex was sniffing our butts and—”

“I get it, I get it!” She laughed but stopped when he began working his long, strong, piano-playing fingers. She was damn near growling when he finally let up. “Your hands are like sexual Swiss Army knives. You can do so much at once,” she gasped.

He laughed, and they both looked at the monitor. Emme was singing along to her show.

“Well, I’m so inspired in this romantic setting.” Blake kissed her again.

“Will you make love to me before something cries or craps? Please?” Livia grabbed a handful of him.

“Mrs. Hartt, you are such a sweet talker.”

They each took off their own pants before settling down on the carpet. He crawled at her, nipping and licking until she lay back.

“Lego!” Livia stiffened as she felt a square-shaped pain in her back.

“For fuck’s sake.” Blake tossed the Lego out of the way then turned back to her, looking determined.

Livia smiled at his profanity. She used her legs to pull him into her. And then they locked eyes. They seemed to remember at the same moment the sad news that had made them long for this comfort. Livia kissed Blake again, holding the back of his neck and putting her hand on his chest’s scar. They were fast and needy, both speeding to the resolution. She saw stars when he added his delicious hand to their movements. Both came as quietly as possible, breathing deeply.

Quickly they cleaned up and put their bottoms back on, ready to parent again, before pausing to hug.

“Thank you.” She patted his cheek. “Should I go see her now? Do you think?”

Blake stroked her hair as the farewell music of Emme’s show filtered through the monitor.

“How about tomorrow? Let them have tonight to each other. Tomorrow’s Saturday. Your dad and Kathy will be off, so maybe they could take the kids for a little while.” He kissed her again.

“Daddy! My popcorn is cold!” Emme came bustling down the hall, and Blake got to the door and unlocked it just before she burst in. “Can you heated it up for me?”

“I’m not sure we can heat up cold popcorn. How about some carrots?” Blake picked up their daughter. “I think we have ranch dressing.”

The two left to go downstairs and Livia grabbed her phone.

Tell her I love her. And love you too. I’ll be by tomorrow.

She sent the text and lay back on the bed, looking at Kellan’s sweet pucker. She couldn’t imagine losing him. Her mind created a niece’s face and then a nephew’s. Her tears escaped, drawing wet lines into her hair. Kyle had always blamed herself for every damn thing. This would be no exception.

22

Just Breathe

T
HE
N
EXT
D
AY
, M
ID
-M
ORNING
, Livia knocked on the door to Cole and Kyle’s place. After a few moments Cole answered, eyes red and face sullen. “She’s just out of the shower. If you need anything…”

Livia reached up and hugged him hard, not saying anything. She didn’t have any words. He slipped past her, locking the door behind him, and she heard the alarm setting itself—the robotic lady’s voice was the same as at her house. Cole was going to meet Blake, and John and Kathy were on childcare duty. It was the only way they felt comfortable leaving the kids. No one was getting past John, and Kathy was like a baby whisperer. The kids just went boneless when she was around.

“Slutenstein! I’m here,” she called.

“I’m up here, cock dribble.”

Livia’s heart hurt hearing the hollowness in her sister’s insult. She took the stairs two at a time. Kyle sat in the center of her bed, her legs folded under her. She held a pair of scissors and around her were clippings of her long red hair. What remained on her head was a chopped, soaking wet mess.

“Hey.” Livia took the scissors from her sister’s hand and pulled her into a hug. Out of habit, her comforting hug included rocking. They sat like that for a while before Livia made her sister look her in the face. “Did you have to punish your hair?”

Kyle shook her head. “Do you even realize you’re a mother all the time? Like, even when the kids aren’t around?”

Livia shrugged, not sure what her sister was getting at.

“It’s natural. Maybe because it was supposed to happen to you.”

Livia waited, remembering the words of her old professor Dr. Lavender. “
In the center of someone’s mourning, the best you can do is listen.
” This had once applied to Blake. But today it seemed equally appropriate for Kyle. Grabbing one of her sister’s hands, she waited.

“I mean, I didn’t even ask what they did with the baby. Who doesn’t ask that? Cole called this morning to find out. She was treated as medical waste.
Medical waste
.” Kyle wasn’t crying, but Livia’s eyes filled up. “You have babies with five fingers and toes, and I have a baby who was tossed out with the trash, not even looking like a human. They incinerate it.” She shook her head. “I feel numb now. Like maybe the baby was better off not having to be mine.”

Livia pulled Kyle to her chest, hard, and willed her to stop talking. “You don’t get to say that. I know you. All my life I’ve known you. You’re a gift to those who love you.”

“You know, Cole’s been great. But I find myself blaming him too.” Kyle continued as if Livia hadn’t spoken. “What if his sperm isn’t good enough? How unfair. I just don’t know how to pick myself up from this.” Kyle hugged her sister back.

“Don’t focus on up. Maybe just focus on breathing?” Livia looked out the window.

The day did not match the mood: sun drenched Poughkeepsie. Livia contemplated how to walk the fine line between comfort and pity when she swore she saw movement in Kyle’s backyard. But when she focused and looked more closely, she saw nothing.

“Listen, come into the bathroom. Let’s fix this hair. It looks like it was cut by a weed whacker. You should know by now you can only trim your cooter with the power tools.” Livia pulled on her sister until she came with her. After dragging the laundry basket over to function as a makeshift chair, she pushed Kyle onto it.

“Dude.” She had trouble determining where to start.

Kyle rolled her eyes. “Yeah.”

“You might have to go to the salon or something.” She ran her hands through her sister’s uneven locks.

“Just fix it like you fixed your damn Barbie’s hair.”

“I’m still pissed about that.” Threading a chunk of hair through her fingers, Livia cut on an angle to try to make a layer.

As a child, Kyle had stolen Livia’s Barbie doll and treated her to a safety-scissor hair adjustment. In the aftermath, Livia had been able to trim the hair in such a way that it fell in a tapered bob. The victimized Barbie wound up being a favorite in all their subsequent doll games because her hair was so unique.

“That was synthetic hair.” Livia concentrated harder.

“Mine’ll grow back. No pressure.” Kyle sighed. “I wish I knew how to stop hating myself for a few fucking minutes.”

She looked at her sister’s reflection. “Me too. The minute I heard I knew this would be hard. I wish I could fix this.”

“Keep cutting. I need to look human by the time Cole gets home.” She pulled a blush brush from the counter and added peach to her cheeks.

“I want to tell you this, but I don’t want you to think I’m trying to put you down or hurt your feelings.” Livia moved around to work on Kyle’s brand-new bangs.

“Just say it.” Kyle stopped and waited, clutching her brush.

“I just…If it’s hard—and I’m not saying you can’t or won’t—but if it’s an option, I’d carry your baby for you.” Livia swallowed.

Kyle reached out and pulled her sister against her. They hugged hard for a few minutes before Kyle nodded. “Thanks. I hope it doesn’t come to that, but thanks.” She almost smiled. “Of course that would mean you’d get your vagina snot all over my kid.”

“Bitch.” Livia laughed. “Only you could turn the gift of life into something that makes me want to gag.”

Kyle slapped her sister on the ass.

“Ow! You hit like a drunk trucker.” Livia stepped away from her sister’s hair. “What do you think?” The mirror showed more than Kyle would ever see. She was stunning and wholesome and worthy. And her hair looked pretty kick ass too.

“Not too fucking horrible.” Kyle stood and shook her hair out. It spiked up, and she ran her hands through it. “Let me rinse off quick. I’m getting hair splinters.”

Livia nodded. “Sure, I’ll clean up your other grooming station.”

She got the vacuum and sucked up the hair before replacing the sheets and laying out a fresh comforter. She wandered to the window, trying to think of ways to keep Kyle busy for the next few months when she saw a man walking casually out of the backyard. After a spike of fear, she pulled out her phone and snapped a picture. Since Emme was approached, she couldn’t be too careful. Falling prey to her concerns, she dialed her dad.

“Yup. Hey, kiddo.”

She breathed a sigh of relief when she heard Emme’s happy chatter and Kellan’s baby blabber in the background. “Everyone okay?” Livia turned and watched her sister go from the bathroom into her walk-in closet.

“Sure thing. My granddaughter is painting my toenails. Got to say—that’s a first.”

Livia busted out laughing. “Wow, I think Kyle and I need a picture of that.”

“Don’t worry, Kathy’s taken a ton of blackmail pictures. And Kellan just had a bath.” John paused, listening before adding, “And I guess he’s about to have his bottle. Everything okay there?” His concern slipped into his voice.

Her sister came out of her closet in comfy clothes.

“Yes. We’re doing makeovers here too. I just wanted to give you a heads up that I saw someone walking through Kyle’s backyard. Keep an eye out.” Kyle pushed Livia out of the way so she could look out the bedroom window. Livia switched to speakerphone and gave her father a complete rundown of what she’d seen as Kyle examined the picture on her phone.

“I really think this is my neighbor from down the road. His dog is always coming over here.” Kyle shrugged.

Livia listened to her father’s warnings while she mouthed to her sister, “That’s because you’re a filthy bitch.”

Kyle responded by giving Livia creative variations on the middle finger.

After promising their father they’d stay put until the men returned, Livia finally hung up. Her sister had moved on to spanking her own butt with two proud middle fingers, which gave Livia hope that Kyle might be able to work through the sadness. Laughter always made the girls stronger.