“Yes, why?” I responded.
“You’ve been dating for a couple of months and you live together already?” She raised her eyebrows. “That’s a bit fast, no?”
“We’ve been friends for years, so the relationship while new, isn’t new new. We still knew each other.”
“And how is living together going?” Tasha asked.
“It’s fine.” I said and at the same time that Rhett replied. “She’s messy as hell.”
“What?” I turned to him. “You’re the messy one.” I glared.
“I’m just saying you leave your clothes everywhere.” He shrugged. “And your hair products and your makeup and your magazines.”
“I don’t leave them everywhere.”
“It would be nice to have some order in the apartment?” He gave me a weak smile.
“I’m not messy.” My voice rose in shock. “I don’t even know where that is coming from.”
“It’s not a big deal, but I didn’t realize that you were a slob.”
I dropped his hand and moved away from him, feeling angry. How dare he call me a slob?
“So okay, the living arrangement seems to have some contention?” Tasha continued. “What about the rest of the relationship. How is that going?”
“What relationship? He just wants sex.” I spat out.
“What?” Rhett’s voice sounded shocked. “Are you joking?”
“Nope.” I looked around the group. “I feel like all you care about is sex, that’s the only time you act lovey dovey.”
“I tell you I love you all the time.” He sounded dazed. “Are you kidding me? I’ve never told a girl I love her before. You’re the only one Clementine. You’re my only real girlfriend.”
“He doesn’t treat me like a girlfriend. He doesn’t plan dates. He doesn’t buy me gifts. He doesn’t surprise me with calls or poems or anything. All he does is ask what’s for dinner and when he can have sex.”
“Are you frigging kidding me?” He sounded angry. “I just brought you home some candy and dinner the other night.”
“A Hershey’s bar and a slice of pizza are not dinner and candy, Rhett.” I sighed. “I mean I just felt like there would be more romance.” I sighed and looked at Tasha. “I’ve never really been in a relationship before and I guess I had dreams of it being something a bit more.”
“Welcome to the club, girlfriend.” Valentina spoke up. “Juan and I have been together for five years and I’m still waiting for the romance. We had a baby the first year and I feel like that was it.”
“Why is that?” Tasha spoke up, her eyes gleaming. I could tell she was happy that people were talking.
“I feel like Juan got the milk for free and now he doesn’t want to buy the cow.” Valentina made a face. “He won’t marry me and I just feel like he just expects me to be there because I have little Juanita.”
“I love you and Juanita.” Juan spoke up. “I told you. I’m not going to marry you until I can afford a wedding.”
“But you had a baby with her.” I spoke up. “Why didn’t you wait to have a baby until you were able to get married.”
“It’s not my fault she lied about being on the pill.” He shrugged. “I take care of my baby.” He looked at Tasha. “I’m a good dad.”
“That’s good.” Tasha nodded. “And we’ll get to you and Valentina soon, but let’s keep this on Rhett and Clementine. I think we already have our first connection here, don’t you guys?”
“Huh?” I looked at her in confusion. “We do?”
“You and Rhett have moved in with each other too early.” Tasha nodded. “Rhett is not wooing you or taking you on dates because there is no need. He doesn’t need to do any of that because he’s already getting what he needs from you.”
“I’m not just with her for sex.” Rhett spoke up and I could tell from his voice that he was getting annoyed.
“You might not be with her for sex, but your end goal is sex and she’s already giving it up.” Valentina made a face. “There’s no reason for you to put any effort in ‘cos she’s spreading her legs whenever you want some.”
“Now now.” Tasha shook her head. “Let’s be careful with the language we’re using and the statements we’re making.”
“It’s not like I said he’s getting head whenever he wants.” Valentina looked annoyed and Tasha gasped. “Sorry.” Valentina laughed and I could see Juan rubbing her thigh.
Tasha turned to me. “I can see a lot of love in your relationship and I think the issues you two face are clear. You’ve made the move from friends to lovers without fully understanding what that means. You can’t just have the same relationship you had before. It’s not going to work for either of you, but that isn’t bad. It just means that you’ll grow stronger in other ways.”
“Yeah, I guess we’ll have to figure it out.”
“Okay. Now here’s the tough part.” Tasha stood up and handed us both a piece of paper. “I want you both to write down your number one concern in the relationship and then I want you to read it out loud.” She handed us two pens. “Write, now.” She instructed us and we both scribbled on the paper quickly. “Okay, done?” She asked and we both nodded. “I want you to read out what you’ve written down. You first, Clementine.”
I cleared my throat and read quickly. “I’m scared that Rhett is going to miss the life of being a player and is going to want to be with another girl. I’m scared he’s either going to cheat on me or he’s going to lose interest.” I said softly and Tasha nodded.
“You now Rhett.” There was silence for a few seconds and then Rhett spoke up.
“I’m scared that Clementine is going to realize that I’m not good enough for her. I’m scared she’s going to grow tired of me. I’m scared she’s going to find someone better. I’m scared that I’m not good enough and she’s going to leave me.” He stopped and I felt my heart beating rapidly at his words. I turned to look at him and we both stared at each other, fear and love in our eyes. It was hard voicing our fears, but it was also hard listening to the other person as well. As we sat there, we both knew that both of our fears were valid in different ways. We loved each other, but our relationship was more complex than that. We were more complex than our base feelings. We’d been in each other’s lives for so long, yet we’d never had an intimate relationship like this. Neither one of us had been prepared for the other issues to creep up into the relationship so quickly. But then again, neither one of us had any real experience with relationships.
“I’m so glad you were both honest with your issues.” Tasha beamed at us and there was an understanding in her eyes. “That’s the most important first step. Being honest means that there is hope. There is hope for both of you. We just need to get to the root of those problems.”
We sat back and smiled and nodded, but I knew she was simplifying how far we’d come. Yes, we had acknowledged we had issues. However, getting to the root of the problems was going to be a much harder feat than just acknowledging them.
Chapter Seven
Rhett
Homesick is hard when you don’t know
Just where it is that you call home.
I don’t know how this roof’s going to hold.
It’s oh so cold.
It’s been snowing too hard I fear.
Yes, I know that it’s pretty here,
And the air is clear.
But the years aren’t passing fast enough this way.
Maybe you can save me now.
I’m not sure how.
I’m calling out for that
I’m crying out for that.
“Homesick” by David Berkeley-
Some Kind of Cure
I sat with the phone cradled next to my ear feeling nothing. Absolutely nothing. And it scared me more than I wanted to admit to myself. I stared at the wall in front of me wishing that Clementine was home, but she was at school still.
“Can you come home?” The voice was impersonal. “She’s not in a good way.”
“What can I do if I come back to South Carolina?” My voice sounded cold, but I didn’t know how to sound any other way.
“Maybe you can talk to her. She has Cirrhosis of the liver.” He sounded bored as if he were talking about an everyday cough. “If she doesn’t stop drinking, she’s going to die.”
“How long has she known?” I had to know the answer.
“Two years.” He said without a change in his tone. I wondered how many times the doctor had made this call to family members. How many times he had had to tell someone that a loved one was dying and it was all their own fault.
“I see.” I blinked and all I could think about was Clementine. Where was she? Was she with Holden? How ironic that she was worried about me cheating on her when she was the one that was hanging out with other guys. I knew I was being irrational. I knew that she was just studying with him, but I also knew now for a fact that he wanted her.
“Rhett, I know this is hard for you. I know you just moved, but it could really help if you came down. I’ll let you think about it and see what you can do. Feel free to call the office if you have any questions, Rhett. You’re her only family.” And then just like that, he hung up.
My face was cold, my stomach felt heavy, the tears sat in the bottom of my eyes, wanting to fall. I could feel the vein in my upper thigh throbbing as I sat there. I felt nothing inside. Nothing, but a big empty void of pain. I felt like I’d just cut my arm off. I felt like I’d lost a part of myself. And I had no one to talk to. No one would be able to understand how I felt. I didn’t want to hear that things would get better. I didn’t want to hear that she loved me underneath it all. I didn’t want to hear that I was better off without her. The truth of the matter was that she was my mother and all I wanted, was for her to love me. All I wanted was for her to say I was enough. I was enough reason to stop drinking. I was enough for her to get her act together. I wanted to be her little boy. I wanted to be the apple of her eye. I wanted to be enough to take the pain away. Didn’t she realize how much I loved her? Didn’t she know how much I wanted to take away her pain? Didn’t she know that she was killing herself as well as me? Didn’t she know that I’d give it all up, everything to just understand why?
She was killing herself with the alcohol, but I was the one dying inside. Nothing mattered without her love. Nothing could make up for the emptiness inside. Not even Clementine. No matter how many kisses she gave me. No matter how tightly she held me. No matter how many times she told me she loved me. She couldn’t fix this. She couldn’t make this better. I didn’t even know what to do. What could I do if I went home? How could I make things better? I didn’t even know where I belonged any more. Clementine was flourishing in Boston. She was blooming before my eyes and a part of me wondered if she even needed me anymore. And my mother? I didn’t even know if she was really my mother anymore. Yes, she’d given birth to me, but she hadn’t been in my life. I could barely remember what she looked like. I had to close my eyes and think hard to try and remember her face. My heart ached as I realized I didn’t know where I belonged or how I belonged. I wanted somebody to save me. I wanted somebody to show me the way. I wanted Clementine to make it alright, but I didn’t know if she could save me. I didn’t even know if it was right for me to expect her to save me. I was the man. I was the one that was supposed to have it all together. I was scared for her to see the pain inside. I was scared of how she was going to react. How could I tell her how empty I felt inside? How could I tell her that behind my bravado and charisma, there was a shell of a man? How could I tell her that I loved her more than life itself, but something in me was still hurting? Something in me was constantly worried. I didn’t even understand it myself. No one knew what lay behind my blue eyes. No one knew that every morning there was a dull ache that never went away. I didn’t know how to tell her that I was scared that she was going to leave me because my mother had left me. If my own mother hadn’t thought I was enough, how could I expect Clementine to feel any differently?
I stared at the phone in my hand and realized that, like it or not, my life was changed forever. Everyone thought that falling in love with Clementine had been the event that had changed my life. They thought the fact that I’d finally taken a girlfriend meant my life had taken a huge turn. And it had taken a turn. I was now in a relationship. But the relationship didn’t define me. The relationship hadn’t changed my life because Clementine had always been there in my heart. She’d always been mine and I’d been hers. There was never a real question about that. But now, now everything was different. I felt different. I felt lost. I felt like an evolution was going on in my life and I didn’t want it anymore. I didn’t want to know this new life. I didn’t want my life to change. I didn’t want to acknowledge that my mother was dying and even more than that, I didn’t want to acknowledge that I needed to let that relationship go before it destroyed me.
Clementine and her family had always been my home. They’d been the one’s there to pick me up and save me every time I fell, but that hadn’t stopped the hole within from growing bigger and bigger. I didn’t know what to do anymore. I was scared and worried. I was scared that I’d never be able to make it right. I didn’t want to see my mother. I didn’t want to face that pain again. I wanted to ignore it and her and that made me feel guilty. What sort of son was I? Was I capable of love? Was I capable of really loving someone? I didn’t even know anymore. I just didn’t even know. I jumped up and walked to the bedroom and looked at some of the photos that Clementine had put on the wall of the two of us. Photos that reminded me of the past. Photos that reminded me of how simple my life had been before I’d acknowledged that I had feelings for Clementine. The days when all I’d needed was to hook up with some random girl, to forget the loneliness. The days when casual sex had provided me with a high that was enough to get me through. Though, it had never been the sex that had gotten me through. It had always been Clementine. It had always been there. She’d always been my rock, but what had I been to her? Was I doomed to ruin this relationship? Could I be the man that she wanted? I stared at a photo of the two of us sitting on a couch together making silly faces and my heart broke. This beautiful girl was my life. She deserved better than me. She deserved a man that could give her the stars and the moon. She deserved a man that could give her everything she wanted. I didn’t know if I was capable of being that man. I didn’t know if I had it in me to give that much of my heart and soul; no matter how much I wanted to. I didn’t even know if I had that much to give anymore. I sat down on the bed and held the picture frame to my chest. I wanted so much to make it work with Clementine, but I didn’t know if I could ever be the man that deserved to be with her.