The way her work schedule panned out, she planned to have enough money to secure one of the older places on the reservation before too long. With the cash she’d save in rent on the reservation, she even thought about moving away next year. Maybe even move to a different state.
She carried the brown paper bag out of the store, set the groceries on the hood of the car, and reached into her pocket for her keys. She unlocked the door, opened it, and turned to grab her groceries.
Instead, someone handed them to her. She raised her head and lost her grip on the bag. Her mouth fell open, and she stumbled back against the car.
Reefer picked up the apples that rolled out, set them back in the sack, and placed her groceries on the back seat.
She struggled to drag air into her lungs.
What is he doing here? Why did he come back?
Reefer stood silent and reached his hand out, but changed his mind and dropped his arm to his side. She stepped back and shook her head.
Is this a joke?
“Why are you here?” She crossed her arms.
He inhaled. “I thought we could talk.”
“Oh, you did, did you? I remember saying the same thing. You ignored me and dropped me off at a train station!” She shook her head and closed the back door. “I have to go.”
She opened the front door and got in the driver’s seat, but Reefer held the door open. “Excuse me.”
“Just give me a few minutes, Kitten. Please…”
She slumped in the seat. She might have stayed strong, but he called her the nickname that softened her insides. Tired of fighting, she nodded.
“Can we go somewhere? Sit down and talk?” He cleared his throat. “There’s a coffee place down the road I noticed. Maybe you’ll meet me there?”
She nodded, not daring to glance at him. Instead, she kept her gaze straight out the front windshield.
He stepped back from the car. She closed her door and started the engine. Her hands shook on the steering wheel. Without looking at him, she pulled out of the parking lot and headed for Astoria’s Coffee Café.
She sat in the car and waited for him to show up. Her stomach fluttered, and even closing her eyes and taking deep breaths didn’t soothe her nerves. She wanted to fall into his arms and refuse to let him go, but he’d hurt her deeply the day he’d pushed her away.
What can he say to me that would change what he did? He left me.
The rumble of his motorcycle arrived ahead of him, and people on the sidewalk turned to stare. She brought her hand up to cover her chest. If only there was a way to bottle the effect the bikes played on her soul. She missed the way it drove her forward in life and signaled that anything was possible. It gave her hope.
He pulled up in front of her car along the curb. With his back to her, she drank in the sight of him. His usual whiskered jaw line sported a thick beard, and his hair hung a couple of inches longer than the last time she’d seen him. No matter the changes, she found she reacted to him even stronger than before.
Knock it off! You can’t let someone walk all over you again.
She opened the door and stepped up on the sidewalk. She followed him inside the café, and he picked a two-person table near the front window. He held out her chair, and she sat.
A waitress came, and Reefer ordered two cups of coffee, one black and one with sugar. Sarah gazed out the window and sensed Reefer studying her. She swallowed. The ball was in his court; she’d wait for him to open the discussion.
The waitress returned with their coffee, and, thankful for something to do with her hands, Sarah picked up the cup and held it in both hands. She inhaled the heat. Her mouth softened at the way Reefer appeared to struggle with what to say.
She set her cup down and placed her hands in her lap. “It won’t get any easier waiting. Just say what you want to tell me, Reefer.”
He nodded. “I missed you.”
She bowed her head and blinked back the tears. “I’ve missed you too.”
Reefer blew out a big breath. He reached across the table for her hand, and without a thought on what a simple touch might do to her, she placed her right hand into his. He ran all his fingers over the back of her knuckles. Her nipples hardened and sent delicious waves of pleasure over her chest.
“Sarah…” He raised his head and gazed in her eyes. “Why?”
“I…I don’t understand. Why did I love you? Why did I want to spend the rest of my life with you? What are you asking?” She pulled her hand away and swiped her cheeks free of the tears that leaked out.
“Why did you keep the secret of who my mother was, and her involvement with getting you into the family?” His eyes narrowed, and he sat back in his chair.
Sarah shook her head in denial. “I didn’t find out who Ellen is until you sent me back. I thought she was my friend, but…” She inhaled and broke away from the intense stare he gave her.
“But?”
She stuck her chin up. “I left immediately and haven’t seen her since.”
“You had no idea that woman is my mother?” He practically spat the word
mother
out. “How could that be, huh?”
“I worked for her for a year, and in that time she became my friend. We talked all the time about gaining freedom on the road, and I learned that she used to belong to a motorcycle family.” She paused. “I met you that morning on the way to my job. I didn’t lie about any of this.”
“Go on.” He listened without a hint if he believed her or not.
“Remembering back, I don’t think she realized I’d fallen for her son until the morning you took me over to her house to say goodbye. Do you remember how out of sorts she acted?”
He shrugged.
“I left there without a clue about her relationship with you.”
“There is no relationship. She’s been dead to me for almost thirty years.” He shook his head.
“Anyway, you can believe what you want. I don’t lie.” She crossed her arms.
He leaned forward and removed something from his back pocket. He tossed it in the middle of the table.
“Explain this.”
She picked up the postcard. “I wrote that when we first started off on our trip. I was going to mail it, but I put it in my bag. I guess I forgot. Why?”
“Why did you write that you took her advice and that you’d write to her about me later? Unless you planned this together.” His hand formed a fist on top of the table.
She shook her head. “The advice was to follow my dreams. She knew I always wanted to live life riding around on a motorcycle. She said not to let anything stop me.” She rubbed her temple with two fingers. “When I spoke of telling her about you, it’s because I had fallen in love with you, stupid!”
“You didn’t know?” He sat forward.
“No! God, Reefer, if I did, do you think for one second I wouldn’t say something? I had no idea. That’s why, when I found out the truth from Ellen, I left her house immediately.” She grabbed his hand. “I love you.”
“Aw, damn it, Sarah.” He kissed her hand. “I’ve been an asshole.”
“Yes, you have.” She paused for a beat before answering. “But you’re my asshole.”
She needed him more than ever. It didn’t matter if they moved from job to job, or slept in a tent most nights. Love made her rich, and she wanted him back. She’d fallen helplessly in love with the man who saved his smiles for her, and reached for her when he needed someone to lean on.
He didn’t deserve not knowing his mother loved him more than life, but Sarah was willing to show him how much she loved him for the rest of their life together. “Let’s get out of here, go somewhere, please?”
“There’s something I need to do first. Alone. Please, understand,” he blew out a breath, “I’ll never be able to move forward without finding out why my mother left.”
“Will you be okay going by yourself?” She caught her bottom lip between her teeth.
“I don’t know.” He stood, removed a few bills from his pocket, and tossed them on the table. “It depends on if I survive the truth.”
***
It took him two days to work up the courage to drive by his mother’s house, another day to walk up to the door and knock. He shoved his hands in his pockets to hide the way he balled them into fists. His whole body tightened, and the muscles along his back threatened to snap.
Minutes rolled by, and he stepped away from the door. He shouldn’t be here. If she wanted to know him, it wouldn’t have taken over three decades to find him. The only reason he came was because of Sarah.
She deserves someone better than me.
He stepped up to the door again and knocked louder. The doorknob turned, and his mother appeared. She sat in a wheelchair, and he tried to recognize the mother he’d known years and years ago.
“C—come in.” She turned her chair around and used her arms to wheel herself forward.
He stepped inside and shut the door. She appeared old, fragile, and he hated to admit it, she appeared sad.
“I never meant for you to find me.” She wheeled her chair around and faced him.
He snorted. “I imagine.”
“Have you found Sarah?” She folded her hands in her lap.
He nodded.
“I guess you want to know why?” She smiled sadly. “You deserve to know the reason. I was wrong in what I did.”
He deserved to know a hell of a lot more, but he didn’t come here to argue about how she’d gone about deceiving him and his dad all these years. “I’d like to hear why you left.”
She nodded. “Your dad…” She smiled. “Gunner loved his motorcycle. I imagine the same way you do now.” She shook her head and swallowed. “Life was really good back then. Your dad began to spend more and more time on the road with the gang. I stayed home and raised you. He’d come home for a week, leave for a week, and it worked for us. We had the best of both worlds that we craved.
“I started having episodes where my body didn’t cooperate. I’d drop things, have a hard time getting off the floor after putting together a puzzle with you. I stumbled a lot. Deep down, I knew something wasn’t right.” Her shoulders shook, and she inhaled.
“I went to the doctor, and he diagnosed me with multiple sclerosis. He told me that in six months I’d live life in a wheelchair and my bed.” She tapped her fist against the arm of the chair. “It would have killed Gunner to stay home and take care of a crippled wife who would never ride with him again, and knowing that you and your dad had riding in your blood, all I could think about was how miserable I would be making you both.”
He walked over to the window and gazed outside.
“Tell me…did you have a good life? Did your dad love you and keep you with the family?” she asked.
“Yes, I had a good life.” He turned around. “You’re right. Dad took great care of me, taught me that family meant everything, and no matter what, I was supposed to stay with them.” He stared at her, and his upper lip quivered. “Came in real handy when Dad died of a brain tumor when I was sixteen and I became the orphaned kid who relied on a bunch of thrown-together people to raise me.” A bitter laugh escaped. “Thank God for my family.”
He turned back to the window. His heart raced and he clenched his hands at his sides. He wanted to run outside and hurl, to get rid of the anger burning inside of him.
“Gunner’s dead?”
He nodded.
He caught the sob that came from behind him and closed his eyes. Did she have a right to mourn someone she threw away?
“I had no idea…” She sniffed.
He turned around again. “There was no way to tell you. Everyone pitched in the money to buy his casket, and my family stood beside me and supported me as I watched the casket get lowered into the ground.
“Do you want to know what was going through my mind at that moment? The very moment death became real?” He stepped toward her. “All I thought about was it would sure be nice if it was my mom who held my hand, my mom who put her arm around my shoulders, and instead I stood there feeling completely alone.”
She lifted her face. Tears fell down her cheeks. “Reefer…Son, I have regretted leaving you and your dad every second of every day.”
He shook his head.
“No, don’t get me wrong. In my heart, I believe I did the right thing, and I stand by that.” Her chin trembled. “But I apologize for all the hurt I caused in my desire to give you your freedom.”
He studied his mother, the woman he used to run to and wrap his arms around and call Mom. Her arms hung limp in her lap. Her shoulders drooped from exhaustion. The lines that ran across her face told the story of how much she suffered from her disease and her decisions in life. Yet, he stood before her healthy, in love, and with more people in his family that loved him and guarded his back than the average person.
“I accept your apology.” He glanced out the window. “Thank you for letting me talk with you.”
He turned to leave. He’d gotten what he’d come for, and right this minute he wasn’t sure if it helped or not.
“Reefer, wait!”
He turned.
She rolled her wheelchair closer and reached for his hand. He let her grasp it between both of hers, surprised at the strength that came through a body so riddled with muscles that refused to support her.
“Will I ever see you again?” She held his hand cupped to her cheek.
His thumb came out to brush at the tear that escaped out of the corner of her eye. He nodded, too afraid to say the words.
Chapter Twenty
Sarah ambled out of the community center with a platter of fry bread stacked in a haphazard fashion gripped in her hands. She smiled at the children who skipped alongside her, trying to catch a glimpse of what treats she brought to the ceremony.
“You guys aren’t hungry, are you?” She held the plate up higher to keep it from getting bumped.
Their answers came in shrieks and giggles. She stopped and handed two pieces of the large flat bread to the tallest child.
“You’re in charge. Split it in fair pieces.” She stepped away from the rush of the crowd.
Allena caught up to her, and Sarah grinned at the down-turned mouth on the elder. “Oh, don’t say anything. I remember a certain lady who snuck me cinnamon sugar cookies when she thought no one watched.”