Ride To The Edge (Lucifer's Saints MC) (Rough Riders MC Series Book 4) (7 page)

I knew I did but the words were like a glob of phlegm, stuck in my throat and I was unable to say them out loud.

He could never know how much it pissed me off to have this part of my soul that was so fractured, so fucking broken—and two men were the cause of it. I’d have to get over it if I wanted the relationship between us to survive.

Existing with him in a dark, twisted paradise was perfect for me but sooner or later, children needed light and hope. It wasn’t just about us anymore, and neither was my decision to trust, respect, and care for him as deeply as it was possible for me to do so.

In overly analyzing the situation between Hardy and me, I hadn’t realized that Kasper Gillian—lead singer of Scarlet Fever and half-brother to Jaden via a dalliance with another woman Dizzy had an affair with—and his Norwegian heiress wife, Sydney, had shown up. What had begun as a disagreement between two parents had turned into a full-on circus at the Vogue Casino and Hotel Coliseum.

Not that it should have surprised me since Sydney spent more than her fair share of time on the Strip overseeing the casino her family was building not too far down Las Vegas Boulevard. It was an ode to her grandfather and would leave more of a legacy to her already outrageously wealthy family than any ship her ancestors had ever built. The woman had more money than God, and the Landvik Casino, Hotel and Spa would be without a doubt one of the most luxurious places to stay—easily rivaling Vogue, the Cosmopolitan, and the older established casinos like Caesars Palace and MGM Grand.

I knew I had nothing to fear with their arrival but Sydney looked far from happy and every bit the cold businesswoman she’d become since hooking up with Kaz. She’d recently delivered their second child—his third counting the son he had by his ex-wife—and glared at Jaden like he was a piece of shit. Kaz had taken a similar position so it was obvious if anyone had made the call to him, it was someone from our side and not his.

“Oh, Syd, thank God you’re here to talk some sense into this hooligans!” Faith exclaimed as she rubbed her pregnant belly, obviously playing the victim card a little too strongly. “Tell her—” She pointed in my direction as if she couldn’t remember my name, “that Jaden should be allowed to see his son!”

Gisela shook her head. “Sydney, this is not a dog fight you want any part of—either way, your reputation will be tarnished and you have a casino to open in less than three months.”

“Thank you for stating the obvious, as my attorney,” Sydney began in a cool voice, “but I barely know the woman I’m staring at now. In another life, she was a good friend and someone I cherished but that seems like ages ago. Faith, we have no ties, and calling me on behalf of domestic disputes you helped cause won’t change my mind.”

“But we have been friends forever and you’re goin’ to choose this guinea bitch over me?” she exclaimed while giving me the evil eye.

“You’re one to call anyone names, Faith. Your name should be dread because that’s all you bring to anyone’s life.” Sydney looked at me with sympathy in her eyes. “I’ll never take your side over Talia’s—in fact I provided a deposition in her favor during the whole adoption arrangement. Whatever you think you would hear from me was absolutely mistaken on your part.”

“Jaden, if you don’t stop harassing Talia, I’ll have no choice but to fire you from the band. This has gone on too long, and everyone is sick of it.” Kasper could barely meet his brother’s amber eyes as I watched with amazement, and it was something he’d thought long and hard about. “We toured with Winter’s Regret for Christ’s sake and you’re ruining everything! We both have gigs here in Vegas but they aren’t gonna last forever and when we get ready to get back on the road, do you think anyone will want anything to do with us after this spreads through out the rock n’ roll community? You forget how bad news travels fast and your behavior is abhorrent—”

“That’s not all he’ll lose, mate.” Hardy crossed his tattoo-laden arms across his muscled chest. “You think Dizzy was kiddin’ about disowning you, boy? I’ll make goddamn sure he motherfuckin’ does after the stunt you fuckin’ pulled today. You come here, stress my ol’ lady out who is pregnant, and cause this whole fuss for what? For some fuckin’ kid you don’t give a rat’s ass about because if you fuckin’ did, you woulda kept your dick in your pants and I wouldn’t be warmin’ the bed of the woman you left with no concern at all with your seed, you stupid cunt!”

Jaden’s mouth opened to respond but Hardy cut him off.

“I don’t wanna hear your excuses about why you and my ol’ lady didn’t work out because I don’t give a fuck. The problem is you cared more about that crack whore beside you than you ever cared about a good woman and the mother of your fuckin’ kid so guess what, tough guy? You have no goddamn kid. Accordin’ to the State, Kaelan is mine and I’m his motherfuckin’ father you son of a bitch. I adopted him you daft cunt so get the fuck outta here . . . now . . . or there will be blood shed and you best believe it won’t be fuckin’ mine.”

I didn’t even bother to look at Jaden as I grabbed Hardy’s free hand and squeezed it. I knew he was under a lot of stress and pressure. He was also beyond pissed off and needed to calm down in the worst of ways.

Unlike most men, he simmered before he erupted but when it got to that point, it was too late and no one could stop the tornado that was Hardy. He shot first and asked questions later—whether it be with his fists or a gun. The man had two speeds: calm and absolutely livid. Despite him and Jaden sharing blood, I didn’t want to see him livid because he’d end up dead or in the hospital on life support after Hardy got through with him.

“This isn’t over,” Faith said in a snark-filled voice. “We’ll see the two of you in court—”

“Not if you two wanna keep breathin’,” Cillian merely replied coldly.

“And not if you want to keep your job in Scarlet Fever,” Kaz offered in an icy tone. “This is your last warning, bro. The next one you get will be courtesy of Introspect’s attorneys terminating your contract with the group. Your behavior is out of control and I refuse to deal with it any longer.”

The next few moments, all I could hear was the steady beat of my own erratic heartbeat before Jaden grabbed Faith’s hand and they both walked off together. After that, everyone started to disburse on their own, but not without assuring me that they would protect me at all costs.

What. The. Fuck.

When did I ever show enough weakness to ask any of them to have my back? I could take care of myself whether I was Hardy’s old lady or not. I tried not to let them see their comments annoyed me because I didn’t want to be the ultimate feminist bitch—one that was so strong she wouldn’t take help under any circumstances when I secretly knew this whole issue wasn’t over.

It would never end as long as I had a child by Jaden. Those were just the cold hard facts. I didn’t deny his love for his own biological son but I knew he couldn’t take care of Kaelan any better than he’d taken care of himself over his twenty-something years. He was a few years from being thirty but he still acted like a teenager in every aspect in his life.

I knew he’d innately taken back Faith because she allowed him to indulge in his fantasies and act out his childish temper tantrums while she quietly controlled their relationship. That wasn’t and never could be. I called him out on his bullshit and made him grow up or basically told him there would be no me and him. Obviously, my ultimatum was too much because he’d made his decision and I no longer had any fucks to give.

Did the fucker break my heart? Fuck yeah but I was done. I’d moved on . . . but had I? Why couldn’t I just love Hardy without waiting for a shoe to drop as if he was anything like his nephew?

“Babe, let’s get home. You need some rest after this afternoon.” He wrapped his arms around my neck.

I sank into his backwards embrace. “Okay.”

“You sure you’re okay to perform tonight?” His rough hands felt assuring as they skimmed my arms softly.

“Yeah. It’s one our last concerts until we come back in 2017. I owe it to the fans—”

“You mean it’s your last concert in Vegas until 2017. You and the band are going back into the studio and you’ll be performing selected dates around the country after you give birth.” His strong arms shifted to my waist, caressing my baby bump. She seemed to coo, knowing it was her father who was giving her attention. A daughter who would worship her father and the ground he walked upon.

I didn’t know what that felt like because I was always closer to my mother than my father though his Northern Italian heritage had given way to more ethnic insults than I could count. If I had a penny every time someone called me a guinea, wop or dago, I’d be a millionaire without having had to take back my rock band and make my money legally and above board.

“Yeah,” I turned toward him, staring into those gorgeous crystal blue eyes that had me mesmerized from the moment we met. “How the fuck do you put up with me? I mean, I know I’m your ol’ lady and all but . . . my aunt is your superior and you don’t exactly like her. You’re in the middle of something you never believed in. All you wanna do is ride your Harley and die free. Not quite what you signed up for when you decided to become an FBI agent, huh?”

He clutched me closer to him. “Actually, I’m still with MI:6 and we directly consult with the FBI until my transfer paperwork is completed. Although your aunt isn’t my direct superior, her lover and my brother is so they’ve both got my balls in a sling.” Hardy paused, and glanced at me with those mesmerizing eyes I couldn’t look away from even if I tried. “I do it because I fell in love with a wee Yank who was everythin’ I’d ever dreamed to be if I ever committed myself to a woman. She’s strong, undeniably beautiful and understands the troubles as much as I do.”

I laughed mirthlessly. “Are you sure about that?”

“Of course I am, you daft cow. I dealt with the troubles in Belfast and decided to move on to London. Now this may be another set of troubles but I protect those who I love. Eve does her job—she isn’t any worse on me than she is on her own son. Although you should know that your sister has joined the ranks. She’s going after Jake,” he explained in his soft accent I’d grown to love.

“Catrin? She’s here in Las Vegas?”

“Honey, she’s an adult now. She’s completed schooling and is following in Eve’s footsteps. She’s an agent now.”

“Fuck!” I exclaimed as I left the warmth of his arms and began to pace nervously. “You know my mother—God bless her twisted soul—never ever wanted anything like that for Catrin. Yes, she had the affair and got pregnant on purpose to piss my dad off but if she knew her precious angel would grow up to be an agent, she’d have a heart attack.”

“I invited her over for dinner. Seems like you two need a nice little reunion.”

I glared at Hardy as he sheepishly looked away from my gaze.

“Don’t hate me, Tal. Blood is blood. She’s your baby sister. I would have done the same for any of my siblings, even if Dizzy and I are the only ones who share the same mother and father. It’s just how it is with me. I hate what that fuckin’ cunt did to ya but he’s still my nephew. My family who’d I’d take a bullet for just to keep them safe. You’re my family now too, and you know I’d do anything you asked of me but don’t make me rescind that invitation. Anything but that.”

I smiled wryly before I wrapped my arms around his neck. My heels put me almost at eye-level with him and I smiled. “Now, dear husband, even I wouldn’t be so cruel. I don’t mind seeing my baby sister. I just hope she knows what she’s getting into. It’d break me if she got herself killed over those neo-Nazi fucks—”

“Ain’t gonna happen, not on my watch, babe.”

My phone buzzed in my expensive crocodile Birkin bag Hardy had grabbed for me during the whole dispersion of people—friends, acquaintances
and
enemies. I don’t know how he did it since it’d been near my person while I was performing but it was the small stuff only he remembered that made me fall even deeper in love with him. He wasn’t a braggart or a showoff. He quietly managed to get so much done with so little effort and if I couldn’t love him because of that then there was something wrong with my shattered, broken heart that could never be fixed beyond repair.

However, I knew that wasn’t the truth. The heart was a muscle and although it could withstand a lot of physical pressure, the emotional impact to forgive, forget, to love and to bring forth kindness, healing and absolute atonement always had me in awe. Yes, people had hurt me but I was no different than any other human being on this earth. We all felt heartache, guilt, anger, despair and hatred but in the end, it was that ability for the heart to mend itself and forgive that was the greatest gift we were ever given.

That made us all human, and thus gave us the capacity to love when there seemed like we could never trust, hope or love again.

“You ready to go, little darlin’? I’ll follow you on my bike while you ride in the Range Rover.”

I nodded before I kissed his lips. It had been a long time since we made move. Two weeks. He had business on the mind and so did I, like the last few concerts I would give before I took maternity leave and went back into the studio with my guys, or band mates is how I preferred to address them with Hardy. It didn’t mean anything that I wasn’t sexual with any of them though they’d all seen girly parts of mine left best to the imagination between changes during a show. I was like their little sister—with the exception of Seth, who I had been in a relationship with and knew me almost as much as I knew myself.