Authors: Norah Bennett
“I’ve been worried about you and Lilly. I’ve missed you guys.”
She continued to look down, playing with the edge of her t-shirt. “We’re fine. No need for you to worry about us.”
“I don’t think you’re fine, not at all. What’s going on, baby?”
“Stop, Ethan.” Her eyes met his and they were filled with pain and sorrow. “Like I said, we’re fine. It was a long drive back from Maine and I’m tired. That’s all. Thanks for playing with Lilly and putting her down. I appreciate it, but I think it’s time for you to go.”
Ethan studied Julia and shook his head. She wasn’t going to make this easy.
“Jules, please just listen. We have to talk. I’m sorry for the way our last conversation went. I was exhausted and stressed and I lost my temper. I’m sorry for yelling at you and hurting you. I have no idea what happened between us, but what we have is good, so good. We love each other. We can work through this.”
She shook her head and her hand flew up searching for her necklace. That’s when he knew they were in real trouble. She wasn’t wearing the necklace! Her hand opened and closed, but there was nothing to hold on to. She’d given up on them. She told him she never took off the necklace because it reminded her he loved her. She didn’t believe that anymore, didn’t want to believe it, or didn’t want to be reminded of him or what they have. She was throwing them away again.
“No. I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry. Love can’t solve everything and isn’t always enough. I’m sorry. Please, please go. You can see Lilly whenever you want, I wouldn’t keep you from her or her from you. But, I … we, can’t do this anymore.”
Ethan stood from the recliner and walked toward the couch where she sat. But she stood and rounded the couch before he could come near her. She didn’t want him to touch her. He froze where he was. She was shutting him out like she did years ago. History was repeating itself, but this time he wasn’t a teenager. There was no fucking way he was going to let her walk away from what they had. Not again and not without a fight.
“Julia, please sit down. Let’s just talk. Whatever this is we can work it out. I don’t even know what happened. We were doing great. We were happy and so good with each other. Don’t give up on us.”
“No, Ethan. No. We’re not good with each other. Actually, I’m not good with anyone. Please, let me go. I can’t do this. Please go, can’t you see what this is costing me?” she asked, now openly sobbing.
“Baby, you once asked me not to give up on us and I haven’t. Why have you? How can you?”
“I—I can’t. You, you don’t understand. You wouldn’t understand. Please … please walk away. This hurts too much,” she sobbed her words barely coherent.
He couldn’t stand across the room anymore, not touching, not comforting her. He went to her and tried to gather her in his arms, but she wouldn’t let him. She backed away from him, shaking her head. Then she went to the front door and opened it. She stood near the open door with her arms wrapped around herself. It broke his heart to see her in such pain.
“Please,” she whispered, “just let me go. Do this for me.”
He stood in front of her and looked at her tear-ravaged face for a long time, but she wouldn’t meet his eyes. This wasn’t working. She was too far gone and there would be no reaching her tonight. He had no idea where his Julia went, where he pushed her to. Ethan didn’t want to cause her any more distress and he had no idea what else to do or what else to say to bring her back.
He hung his head and without a word walked out the front door. He waited while she closed and locked the door behind him. Her sobs echoed from the other side of the door. If he stayed much longer, he’d break down the door. He tore at his hair and stalked to his car, got in and started driving. He didn’t want to leave Julia alone in that state, but he didn’t have much of a choice. The more he stayed, the more upset she got. He did what he always did when they were teens and had a fight. He called Aimee.
Whether he was in the wrong or not, he always called Aimee and she always knew what to do. He could trust her and Julia trusted her. If anyone could get through to Julia, she could. He waited for Aimee to pick up and then said the only thing he needed to say. “Aimee, it’s bad. Please, she needs you.”
Aimee didn’t ask for an explanation. But when he started talking, babbling really, she listened never interrupting him, never admonishing him, giving her opinion or saying the trite, “It’ll be all right.” Instead, she waited until he was done and said, “I’m on my way to her, Ethan. I’ll take care of her tonight. Go home.”
“Okay. Thank you.”
“Ethan, don’t give up. She needs you too. She’s just scared.”
“I know. I’m not giving up for forever, just for tonight. I’m no good to her tonight. She doesn’t want me.”
“No, you’re wrong. She wants you and needs you more than you know. She always has and she always will. For tonight, go home.”
Ethan hung up with Aimee and drove around aimlessly. Eventually, he found a local liquor store where he replenished his beer supply. Then he drove home feeling defeated.
Hours later he lay in bed after having consumed a large amount of beer, which he was sure he would be sorry for the next morning. He replayed his conversation with Julia, as was his habit these days, and came up with nothing, absolutely nothing. Then he replayed the last six weeks, trying to find hints of where it all went to hell. Still, his muddled brain came up with nothing. But that wasn’t surprising considering the amount of alcohol he’d consumed.
There were a few thoughts he was able to string together. First, he and Julia were meant to be together. Each time they got close to making that a permanent arrangement, something came between them and their world was smashed to pieces. He didn’t believe the nonsense Julia was spouting about her not being good for anyone. That wasn’t true, but by the look of total devastation on her face, she actually believed it. Although he was the one that lost his temper and called a timeout, she was the one blaming herself for something. None of this mess made any sense to him whatsoever.
It was evident the past was coming back to bite them. Before he left for Indiana she was ready to talk to him and tell him what had her so spooked each time his parents were brought up in conversation. But those plans went to hell when his father had his heart attack. Now, she retreated to a place he couldn’t reach her. A place so dark he wasn’t confident, he would be able to reach her and pull her into the light.
Even in his inebriated state he pieced together whatever this was, it had to do with his parents. If he weren’t so emotionally and physically wrecked when he was in Indiana, perhaps he would have put this together a little earlier and been more patient. But that couldn’t be helped now. Now, he was going to have to find a way to win his girl back for the second time. This time he wouldn’t let decades pass because without her, his life didn’t have meaning.
Chapter Seventeen
Julia woke up well before the alarm went off on Wednesday morning. She lay in bed with swollen eyes and a beast of a headache from crying all night. She knew she must look like hell; she sure felt like it. The dark circles under her eyes attested to the fact she hadn’t slept more than a few hours each night for the last few weeks and last night was no different, except she added uncontrollable sobbing to her repertoire of misery. She wondered if people died of a broken heart.
Aimee was a Godsend, well, an Ethan-send anyway. Twenty minutes after Ethan left, there was pounding on the front door followed by Aimee’s shout to open the damn door. Of course, Ethan sent Aimee. The poor girl had been through it all with them and Julia wasn’t surprised when she found her standing in the rain demanding to be let in. They stayed up half the night rehashing everything, but nothing seemed any clearer.
After Lexi’s July 4th party, Julia had every intention of telling Ethan the whole story and was sure it was the right thing to do. Then his father fell sick and died and things went to hell. She couldn’t help how she felt about Ethan’s father and she couldn’t fake it either. She actually tried that in the weeks leading up to the July 4th party, hoping she could spare Ethan the knowledge of his father’s actions.
Although her ability to hide her feelings about his parents wasn’t flawless, when Ethan’s father died, her acting skills failed her and she just couldn’t force the words Ethan needed to hear out of her mouth. She couldn’t say she was sorry the man died and that made her a monster in Ethan’s eyes. She wanted to defend herself, to come clean with the whole sordid mess, but the timing was all wrong. He was grieving and exhausted. She couldn’t kick him when he was down.
After a while, though, she knew there was never going to be a good time. How do you tell someone who just buried a parent his father was not the man he thought he was? How do you say, “Your father was a thug, a monster, my worst nightmare and I’m glad he’s gone?” The answer was, you don’t.
Daily, she listened to Ethan talk about his father, all the people whose lives Mr. Sullivan touched and the impressive funeral Ethan was planning. Daily, she kept her mouth shut. Then came the conversations about his mother and how much she missed her beloved husband, and so on. Still, Julia kept her mouth shut, not uttering a single word against the dead although in her head she was screaming.
Their conversations became shorter and shorter and more and more strained until she couldn’t listen anymore and he stopped talking to her anyway. She didn’t know what to say to him to make things better. He’d given her the chance early on in their reunion to tell him what had driven them apart and she didn’t tell him the truth. Now she was stuck, no other way to describe it. She couldn’t travel back in time and she couldn’t inch forward.
This is what secrets and lies led to. Ella was right. She warned Julia secrets have a way of getting out of hand if you held too tightly to them, insisted on keeping them, and refused to come clean. Eventually, you’d lie over and over again all the while wondering what on earth you were doing so. Secrets and lies were a living, breathing monsters feeding on a person’s soul. Why hadn’t she listened?
Julia spent the last few weeks thinking through every detail of the past and present and she couldn’t see how telling Ethan the truth would lead to anything but heartache. He’d been estranged from his father and mother for years, but found his way back to them and forgave them. He didn’t think they were perfect, but would he believe her if she told him the truth about his father? Because the truth was outrageous. It was the kind of stuff Lifetime movies were made of. She didn’t know if he would believe her or not. What she did know was telling him at this point would be self-serving and she loved him too much for that.
At the end of the day Ethan was a good man and a good son who loved his parents despite their flaws. He had the ability to see past all the bad in people, accept them for who they were, and love them. Even though the Sullivan’s didn’t deserve a son as good as Ethan, he deserved the untarnished memories he had of a mother and father who loved him in their own way. Although their actions were reprehensible, they acted out of love to protect their son.
So where did that leave her? Alone and heartbroken. Asking Ethan to leave last night brought back memories of their last few weeks of high school when she convinced him she didn’t want to see him anymore. She barely survived losing him the first time and she had no idea how or if she would be able to do it this time. At least last time she had his locket to wear and the promise written inside it to believe in. This time, she didn’t.
After Ethan lost his temper on the phone with her and told her they needed some time apart, she knew it was over. She cried for hours and then walked woodenly up to her room and took off his locket. She opened the wings and read the inscription for the last time while wave after wave of white hot agony battered her body. Finally, she put the locket in its original royal-blue velvet box and placed it in the top drawer of her dresser. She didn’t feel like she had a right to wear it any longer and she planned to return it to Ethan as soon as possible. It was too precious for her to keep.
Julia rubbed at her eyes and glanced at the bedside clock. It was time to get up and face the day. No matter how terrible she felt, she didn’t have the luxury of lying in bed and wallowing in self-pity. She had a full day of work ahead. After work she had to meet Matt for coffee at the diner.
Matt phoned a couple of days ago out of the blue. He didn’t ask to see Lilly or even ask how she was. Instead, he insisted on meeting Julia at the diner and was mysterious about the nature of their meeting. At first Julia refused and asked him to call Ms. Donaldson, but he was adamant about speaking with her alone and she was too tired to argue.
Julia had no idea what Matt was up to and she didn’t have the energy to fight. For Lilly, though, she’d have to somehow find that energy by 4 p.m. At least she didn’t have to worry about Lilly for the next few days. Aimee spent the night and insisted on staying with her for the next few days. Aimee had the rest of the week off and was going to spend it babysitting Lilly and Julia. She should have argued and insisted Aimee enjoy her days off, but Julia was grateful. Lilly loved Aimee and Julia needed an extra pair of hands right now. She was drained and was happy to have someone to lean on.
By the end of the day, Julia’s energy level was at an all-time low. Still, she did her best to look strong and confident as she entered the diner to meet Matt. She worried about this meeting all day and for once she thanked Matt for giving her something to think about other than Ethan. She called Ms. Donaldson and let her know about the meeting with Matt. The no-nonsense attorney offered to be at the meeting, but Julia declined.
The diner was small and Julia spotted Matt in a corner booth and joined him. He looked polished, not a hair out of place. She, on the other hand, looked like a hot mess despite changing out of her scrubs and putting on some makeup to hide the paleness of her cheeks and the dark circles under her eyes.
“Hello, Matt.”
“Julia. Would you like something to drink?”
“Coffee would be great. Thank you.”
She waited for Matt to signal to the waitress and put in their order. When he turned his attention to her, she launched in. She wanted to deal with whatever he threw at her and get home to bed. Every bone in her body ached and she thought she might even be running a temperature.
“Matt, I’m sorry to be rude, but could you tell me what this is all about? I’m not feeling well and I’ve got to get home to Lilly—she’s with Aimee.”
“That’s fine, Julia. There is no reason to prolong this anyway. I’ve come to a decision regarding Lilly. I’ve decided it’s best for all involved if I give up my parental rights and give you sole custody.”
Julia was stunned. She couldn’t believe her ears. Did Matt just say he didn’t want to be a father anymore? That he was disappearing out of his daughter’s life permanently? She had no idea how to react. Should she be happy he wasn’t challenging her for custody or should she be sad for Lilly? Isn’t this what she wanted when she hired Ms. Donaldson? Now that it was happening, she second-guessed herself and Matt. They had to think about Lilly, not themselves. Is this what was best for Lilly?
“I’m not sure I understand. What do you mean you’re giving up your parental rights? You don’t want to see Lilly anymore? You don’t want to be a father? I don’t get it. How can you suddenly decide you don’t want to be a father anymore?”
“Look, Julia, we both know I didn’t want children. That wasn’t a secret. You wanted Lilly. You had Lilly despite my protestations and you’re raising her the way you deem fit. After our last encounter, I don’t think it’s in anyone’s best interest to continue in this manner.”
Julia’s head pounded and her heart ached. This was really happening. Matt was erasing his daughter from his life. Lilly would grow up never knowing her father, always feeling she wasn’t good enough. Just like Julia had. As she waited for the waitress to place their drinks on the table and leave, Julia wondered what the right thing to do for her daughter was. She met Matt’s disengaged gaze. He delivered his message and was done.
Julia should accept this as a wonderful gift. Many would after everything she’d been through with Matt. But she couldn’t let him walk out on his daughter so easily. Yes, he was inappropriate and even irrational last time they were in each other’s presence, and yes, she hired an attorney to fight him for custody, but a part of her hoped he would come to his senses, discover he loved his daughter, and want to be a better parent. She wondered if he stopped to consider what was best for his child and not only for himself.
“Matt, I know you and Lilly have had a hard time connecting and she can be a handful at her age, but are you sure stepping out of her life is the best thing for her? We can’t think of ourselves only. If I did that, I would agree with you and be overjoyed at the thought of having sole custody. But this isn’t about you and me. This is about Lilly and how she will feel growing up without a father. One day she’ll know you walked away from her, that you didn’t want her. How do you think that will make her feel?”
Something she said penetrated Matt’s stony façade because he dropped his eyes and rubbed his temple. After a few moments of silence, he looked up and she saw the pain evident in his gaze. It was the first time in a long time she was seeing something other than anger or indifference and it gave her some hope. Maybe there was a way to salvage the situation. Maybe she’d been too hasty and too judgmental. She had to put her feelings for Matt and Carla and all their messy past aside and think clearly for Lilly.
“Matt, listen to me for a second. We have a child. She is a wonderful blessing. I know what it feels like to grow up without a parent, to feel like you were never good enough for them. Despite our differences, I know you are a good person and wouldn’t want your child to feel that way for the rest of her life. Maybe we’ve been going about this all wrong. Before you make a hasty decision, let’s pause and think how we can do this better for you and Lilly. Maybe we should get some help. A counselor may be able to give us some strategies to help us all get through this difficult period.”
“Julia, stop,” Matt said in a defeated voice as he shook his head.
In a gesture that surprised Julia, Matt reached and held her hand as he looked at her, remorse written all over his face. She saw he was genuinely struggling. He dropped his mask of indifference and superiority and was revealing the person underneath, the person she rarely saw even when they were married.
“Julia, I’m sorry. For the last month I’ve thought about all of this and little else. Believe me when I say I have not come to this decision lightly. Despite what you might think, I’m not a monster. The truth is I don’t have it in me to be anyone’s father. I just can’t. I cannot be the man you want me to be or the father Lilly needs. I’m not wired that way. I’ve tried to force myself to be something I’m not. It hasn’t worked. I’m sorry to be a disappointment to you and to Lilly.”
Matt squeezed Julia’s hand and gave her a small smile before continuing.
“You’re a wonderful mother and Lilly is a beautiful child. She is lucky to have you. With you as her mother she will grow into a strong, beautiful woman. You’ll make sure she knows she is loved, of this I have no doubt.”
They sat in silence for a few minutes, absorbing Matt’s revelation and confession. This was the first time since she told him she was pregnant they talked like adults without anger and resentment at the forefront. In all the time they’ve known him, he rarely opened up to her. Julia was sorry they didn’t have these kinds of conversations throughout their marriage. Perhaps if they did, things would have ended differently. Most likely they would have still divorced, but maybe they would have inflicted less pain on each other.
“I’m sorry, Matt. I’m sorry that you’ll miss out on knowing and loving Lilly and she’ll miss out on knowing and loving you. I can’t pretend I fully understand, but if you don’t think you can be the father she needs, then I appreciate you admitting it and stepping out of her life now rather than continuing in the manner we have been. I don’t know what I’ll say to her about you when she is older, but I’ll cross that bridge when I get there. Thank you for talking with me so openly today. I wish we’d been able to talk like this earlier.”
Matt released her hand and reached into the pocket of his jacket. He took out an envelope and handed it to Julia.