Riverbend (17 page)

“Bad things can change you.”

“And this is as bad as it gets, Annie. Just know that.” She shifted in her chair. “It's freaking hot. I'm going in. You coming?”

“Sure.”

Both women set down their magazines and dove head first into the cool water. As always, the shock of the difference between the temperature of the water and the air took her breath away but seconds later her body acclimated to it. She swam in the shallow water, opening her eyes to watch the sun play on the pebbles. Setting her hand on the bottom of the river, she floated, with her legs stretched out behind her. Minnows nibbled on her hands and arms.
And this is as bad as it gets
, Bella had said. What did that mean? What was the worst thing she could imagine? Was he ill? Dying? She swam over to the other side of the large pool, hoisted herself onto the rock, and climbed up to stand on top of it. Alder, still in the water, called out to her. “Cannonball, Mom.”

Not wanting to disappoint, she tucked her arms around her knees and jumped, falling and slicing into the water. Coming up for air, she saw that Bella was treading water in the middle of the swimming hole, watching her. “You want to jump with me?” she asked her.

Bella shook her head. “I'd like to but I'm afraid of heights.”

“Really?” Feisty Bella with fears? How odd.

They swam for a while longer until both Bella and Alder demanded a sandwich. Annie was just digging into the cooler when they heard the low rumble of a car. She tensed, listening. Of course it was Drake. It had to be. No one can get in the gate, she told herself. But she moved her chair so that she might see both the path and Bella and Alder.

Both had already gobbled an entire sandwich and were searching the cooler for additional food when Drake came down the sandy path, wearing nothing but his swim shorts. She let out a sigh of relief. They were safe here.
No one can get in the gate
, she repeated silently to herself.

And there was Drake—in his swim trunks. She hadn't seen him without his shirt before. He was muscular but lean with very little chest hair. His arms were muscular, too. And his legs? My God, they were gorgeous, too—tight thigh muscles and calves, with just the right sprinkling of dark hair. And he was tan, she supposed, from all the afternoons he'd taken Alder swimming in the last couple of weeks.

Nibbling on a piece of turkey meat from her sandwich, she kept her eyes on the water.
Avert your eyes. Do not stare at him
. But the thoughts came anyway. What would his thighs feel like pushing against her? How would it feel to trail her tongue down the middle of his torso? Her thighs felt tense just thinking of it and the spot between her legs was suddenly alive.
Stop
, she commanded herself.
You are somebody's mother. Acting like a lustful teenager is not becoming.

Drake took a sandwich from the cooler and plopped on a blanket next to them. “Everyone all right so far?”

“We're having a good day,” said Bella.

“Even though Bella won't jump off the rock,” said Alder, before taking a large bite of his second peanut butter sandwich. “I told her it wasn't scary but she didn't believe me.” This came out slightly muffled, as the boy's mouth was thick with peanut butter.

“Alder, don't talk with your mouth full,” said Annie, rather sharply, given the infraction. This she knew, but Drake sitting so close to her was agitating.

Apparently oblivious to her discomfort, Drake said, “Bella's afraid of heights.”

“Why?” asked Alder.

“Some people just are,” said Annie.

“That may be true, but in my case it's because my father dangled me off the top floor of our apartment building when I was three.”

“What?” asked Alder, his eyes wide.

“Bella, I don't think this is an appropriate story for a ten-year-
old,” said Drake. As if to change the subject, he began rummaging through the cooler. “Did you pack any pop, Annie?”

She pointed towards the other cooler. “In there. And there's beer or wine, too.” Poking her foot into the sand, she looked over at Bella. “You want something to drink?”

“Hells yeah, a glass of wine sounds just about perfect.”

“But I want to hear the story about being dangled over the side of a building,” said Alder.

“Sorry, kid, the grownups say no.”

“But, Drake, why?” asked Alder. “I'm old enough to take it.”

Annie was curious what he would say. Perhaps she let Alder know too much, given that it had always been the two of them. Was she in error this way?

Drake popped open a can of root beer and handed it to Alder. “Because there are horrors that happen in the world that a child shouldn't know about until they're older. Once you learn of something like what happened to Bella that day, it will never leave you. You'll carry that image around with you all day and into tonight and all the tomorrows for the rest of your life. And that is not what you need to be thinking about at your age. Or ever, if at all possible. But as you age you'll learn of more and more cruelties of the human race, and of natural disasters that wreak havoc, and wars and crime. The longer we can keep all that from you the better it is.”

They were all staring at him. No one spoke. What a speech. And how did he know this? How had he developed such a strong concept as this when he didn't have children?

“My brother the philosopher.” Bella was at the cooler, pouring two glasses of chilled white wine into plastic cups. “Basically, kid, you're screwed. I can't tell you all the gory details of my father.”

“Too bad. I guess,” said Alder, but he was gazing at Drake with more admiration than Annie had ever seen him possess for anyone. Which was saying something given how much he loved Tommy and Linus. Did Alder feel what she felt? Yes, she was afraid he did. They were both about to get their hearts broken.

After lunch, Alder went back into the water. Drake set up another chair, unfortunately right next to Annie so that she could smell him and could easily have reached out and felt what his skin
was like against her fingertips.

“Hey, sorry about that thing with Alder,” said Bella.

“Oh, it's fine. I probably tell him too much, too, given Drake's point.” She smiled at Bella. “And I'm curious about everything, too. Alder gets that from me. It's everything I can do most of the time not to ask people inappropriate questions.”

“Oh my God, I'm the same exact way,” said Bella. “It's like I can't stop myself.”

Drake looked up from his book and then down again.

Bella took a sip of wine, her gaze on the water. “That was the last time we ever saw our father. We think they put him in jail. Then he was dead not much after that. We never really knew what happened to him.”

“Bella, don't talk about this. It's just going to make you upset,” said Drake.

“No, that's where you're wrong, big brother. It helps me to talk about things. You might try it.”

“Here it comes,” said Drake. “Sassy mouth after half a glass of wine.”

“Whatever.” Bella grinned at Annie. “I'm on vacation.”

Annie toasted her. “Cheers.”

“Freaking cheers.”

“Bella, seriously, Alder might hear you.”

“Jeez, Drake, chill out. It's not even the real f-bomb.”

“Where did you learn to talk? I should never have let you move to L.A.”

“You're not in charge of me.”

“Someone needs to be.” Drake let out a long sigh and went back to his book. Although, Annie noted, he hadn't turned a page the whole time he'd had it open.

Bella rolled her eyes at Annie before downing the last of her wine and heading towards the cooler. “You want another?”

“Oh, no. I'm a one-drink girl most of the time.” Annie giggled. The wine was going to her head, too. “Alder already has a potty mouth. I don't know why. He used to call my old boyfriend asshole, with a capital A like that was his name. I couldn't make him stop. It was terrible. Of course, he was right. He was an…well, you know, I
don't need to say it again.”

Bella threw back her head, laughing. “My kind of kid.”

Drake got up from his chair, tossing his book onto a towel, and heading towards the water. Annie averted her eyes. Really, there was no reason to stare at his backside like some kind of sex-starved teenager.

With sure and strong strokes, Drake swam across the river to where Alder was sunning himself like a lizard. He hoisted himself up onto the rock, muscles rippling, until he was sitting next to Alder with their feet dangling over the side. Their mouths were moving but she couldn't make out what they were saying.

Bella plopped back into her chair. “Drake never talks about our childhood. And I talk about it constantly. Guess that's the difference between girls and boys.” She indicated with her glass towards Drake and Alder. “He's bonded with your boy, though. It's weird, given everything.”

“What?”

Bella's eyes widened. “Never mind. God, I do have such a big mouth.”

“So, what did happen when you were a kid to make you so afraid of heights?” She giggled again. “I have a big mouth, too. And ask too many questions.”

“You can ask me anything you want. I'll tell you whatever you want to know. Well, unless Drake doesn't want me to but you know what I mean.”

“Yes, I do.” The thought of whatever had made Drake so desperately unhappy sobered her some. “Tell me what happened with your dad.”

“I don't remember what happened really. I was only three and my mother never told me any details of what the fight had been about. They fought a lot. Our dad was a junkie and he'd go away for periods of time but then when he ran out of money he'd come back to see if my mother would give him more. Drake says the only way to get him to leave was to give him money. And she didn't want him to stay because then he'd detox and start acting crazy and everything. Anyway, apparently this was one of those times. He was out of his mind, either high or coming off a high. I remember playing
with my dolly on the kitchen floor and loud voices. My dad yelling, I think, but it's fuzzy. And Drake was there with me, sitting on the floor with his fingers in his ears. Then suddenly our dad was there. He snatched me up and started running out of the apartment to these stairs. I remember that. It was like a bump bump bump with every step. And then we were on the roof of our apartment building. It was a hot day and the sun was harsh in my eyes. My mother was behind us, screaming, crying, the look on her face pure terror. He went to the side of the building and put his arms out straight, dangling me. I could see the street below. The cars stopped. A crowd gathered below, all these faces looking up at me. Then I closed my eyes, waiting for him to drop me. But all of a sudden we were yanked back. I fell out of his arms onto the hot surface of the roof. I don't remember much after that.” She took a big sip of wine. “And that's why I'm afraid of heights.”

“Bella, that's terrible. I'm so sorry.”

“It's weird how much I remember of it. If I'd been younger maybe I wouldn't recall it so clearly and then I wouldn't be so messed up.”

“Do you know who pulled you guys back?”

“I'm assuming it was a cop but I'm not sure. My mother refused to talk about it. Her shame was so deep that she'd put me in that kind of danger, you know, letting him into the house and all. But I don't blame her. What was she supposed to do? A small woman against a guy like that?”

“Right. And a junkie is not someone you can control.”

“You know about that?”

“My mom's had boyfriends of every variety.”

“Ah, crap, that's rough.”

“You either get over it and move forward or let it wreck your life. I just try every day to be a good mother.”

“You are.” She took another sip of wine, digging her feet into the sand. “I want to have kids someday but it'll probably never happen.”

“Why do you say that?”

“I'm in love with the wrong guy for that to ever happen.”

“But you're not going to ever go back to him. Are you?”

“I wish I could say yes with total certainty but I try not to be a liar on top of being the other woman.”

Annie didn't say anything, waiting for what would come next.

Bella swirled her wine, staring into her own lap. “I know I probably seem morally reprehensible to you.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Well, you know, the whole sleeping with someone else's husband thing.”

Annie shook her head. “I have no room to judge anyone. Trust me. Things are not just black and white, good or evil. There are all these spots along the spectrum and all I know is that it's hard to be a person in this world. We all make mistakes. Most of us try our hardest to do the right thing but it's not always that simple.”

“I never wanted to be this girl. I had dreams like everyone else. But I fell in love with Graham three years ago, just so hard. I'd never felt even close to what I felt for him. And he told me he was unhappy, that he had been for years and that I was everything to him, that he needed just a little more time. Meantime, the world goes on without you. I can't tell you how many dates I refused with nice men, or nights I sat at home waiting for him to call or text.” She poked the sand with her foot. “I don't want to be this way. I don't want to love him. But even these two weeks away when I've felt the strongest I've felt since I met him, I'm still not sure if today won't be the day I call him. At night I lay there staring at my cell phone, alternately willing him to call me or trying to decide if I should call him.”

“Do you think his wife knows about you?”

“I don't think so. From what he says about her, she's content with the way things are, which is to say he's rich and she lives in Beverly Hills and Pebble Beach and their children go to private this and lessons that. I mean, she has a great life. It's me that doesn't. Drake's right. Graham has it both ways.”

Annie reached over and took Bella's hand. “Listen to me. It's not too late for you to have the life you deserve. You just have to make this the last and final break from him. Time will heal your heart. And someone will come along so wonderful, who wants you so much that you'll literally look back on this time and marvel that you ever
thought he could be the love of your life.”

“When you say it I feel like it could be true.” Bella cocked her head to one side. “But what about you? Why are you alone?”