Rock Him (13 page)

Ella came running to the door and enveloped Shane in a hug.

“Hey, sweetheart!” Shane was good with kids — probably from all the time he spent
in that boy band ten years ago. Playing to tweens and younger must have taught him
a thing or two about interacting with the Nickelodeon set. It hadn’t escaped his notice
that Ella always reacted to Shane with enthusiasm. Maybe children just gravitated
toward some people. Like Maddy and her mother, Shane was a natural. It was good to
have him there, no matter the circumstances.

Shane was as boy next door as Asher was bad boy rocker. Clean cut, blond, blue-eyed
movie star handsome with a too perfect, too white smile, his surfer looks masked a
quick wit and a self-depreciating nature. Many people made the mistake of underestimating
him over the years, to their detriment.

Shane was routinely typecast in romantic comedies before landing his breakout role.
But early promotion for his blockbuster coincided with his girlfriend pictured in
a tabloid in a torrid embrace with her co-star in a movie filming in Canada. Hounded
by the press, he needed a place to hide out until he went back to continue the junket
for his opening in a few weeks.

After the introductions to Maddy and her mother were complete, the women resumed their
tea party/Christmas movie with Ella while the two men went into the kitchen.

“How are you doing?” Asher opened the fridge and chucked a beer bottle to Shane.

“Eh.” Shane popped the top and took a long swallow.

“Did you know?” Asher asked.

“Let’s say I suspected. She had an excuse for staying up there since they’re past
deadline on the film and she has almost no time off, but … ”

“You’ve been together, what? Six months?”

Shane nodded and finished the bottle.

“Long-term for you. But you don’t seem too broken up about it,” Asher said.

Shane’s lips twisted. “I’m not. I was into her when we started. But the separations
have killed it. As usual.”

“Been there. Not fun.”

“Yeah. It’s just the way she did it, you know?”

“Has she called?”

“Yep. That’s how I had a chance to get here before all hell broke loose. Trust me,
man, I’m not upset it’s over, but it sucks to have it all be so public.” He gave a
humorless laugh.

Asher shook his head.

“I end things before they get ugly,” Shane said.

“Don’t we all?”

Shane nodded. “I know. Any talent in this town?” he asked hopefully.

“No. Keep it in your pants. It’s a small town. The mayor came to see me this morning
to ask me to perform in the Christmas pageant.”

Shane’s mouth dropped open. Then he bent in half, laughing. When his chuckles died
down he said, “I’m envisioning your tatted up ass wrapped in a robe with a rope for
a belt and a staff.”

“A lowly shepherd? You wound me.”

Maddy came in to the kitchen and stood next to Asher. “What’s up?”

“I’m recruiting for the pageant, Maddy.”

Her eyes lit up. “Wonderful!! He’s a great actor, but can he sing?” she wondered aloud,
giving Shane the once-over.

Asher choked on his laughter and Shane backed away, hands up in front of him.

“Shane thinks I’ve agreed to a part in the nativity play.”

“Really? No, that wouldn’t work. But a duet? How about
Silent Night
?”

Shane cast a “save me” plea at Asher, who laughed. “Do you need me to get the mayor
back here to ask you? We get to be in the parade, too. Maddy wants me to wear leather
pants.”

Shane snorted.

Maddy blushed. “Asher, it’s what people expect from a rock star.”

“Maddy, I’m not Elvis. I’ll freeze my nuts off!”

It was Shane’s turn to laugh.

“Are you really going to be in the pageant?” his friend finally asked.

“He’s going to sing and play guitar. Are you musical?”

Shane grinned at Maddy. “Yeah.”

“Maddy, Shane was in TruAchord.”

She stared at Shane for a moment, and Asher knew the moment the light dawned. “Wow!”
she said eyes alight. “I loved TruAchord
when I was a kid.”

Asher smirked at Shane’s pained expression. “That’s more enthusiasm than she mustered
for Spade.”

Maddy gave Asher a gentle punch in the chest. “Not true. You know I love your music.”

“But you looooved TruAchord
,
” he mimicked.

“C’mon, Asher, every teeny bopper in Virginia loved TruAchord
when I was growing up. No offense,” she said hurriedly, with a quick glance at Shane.

“I think it was better when she just thought of me as an actor and not a boy bander.”

“So, will you?” she asked, giving Shane a searching look.

“Don’t bother saying no,” Asher advised. “If she doesn’t wear you down, the mayor
and town council will come over — ”

“I’m game. Clearly I’ve done worse in my career.”

• • •

Christmas Eve Asher rose from his seat and went to the front of the church where a
guitar lay in its case next to a chair. He strapped it on and took a deep breath.
This was their “Blue Christmas” and he was playing the requisite Elvis tune.

People started forward to light candle in remembrance of loved ones they wouldn’t
get to share the holiday with. He studied his hands, focusing on the song, not the
townspeople making their way up the aisle. Halfway through the song, he saw Ella rise.
She went forward with Maddy’s mom to light her candle for Delilah.

The grief nearly strangled him. He stopped singing and stared down at the instrument
in his hands, as his fingers still automatically plucking out the chords.

Oh God. Not here. Not now.

He tried to force the waves of pain down, the way he always had before, but they kept
coming. He lifted his head, his eyes searching for Maddy.

Maddy whispered something to Shane at her side, and as if in a dream he saw his friend
rise from his seat, walk up to Asher and take the guitar. Without thinking, he bolted
for the side door exit. Before the door shut behind him he heard Shane’s baritone
pick up the chorus.

It was a cold night but he didn’t feel it. Didn’t feel anything but the howling, raging
beast of grief that would no longer be suppressed. He looked up to discover he was
at the edge of a cemetery, surrounded by death.

He spotted a bench in the shadow of a huge oak tree a few feet away and picked his
way through tombstones to it. Hunching over, he covered his face with his hands. God.
Nothing like having a public breakdown. It could be worse — it could’ve been LA.

He was so lost in his misery he didn’t even hear her approach. He smelled her though,
and looked up to see her standing in front of him. He dropped his gaze back to his
lap.

“Maddy,” his chest was so tight with the effort of holding in his rage and grief he
could barely force the words out, “can you give me a minute?”

Her feet moved steps closer and her arms went around his shoulders. She yanked his
head to her abdomen, her grip surprisingly strong and fierce. He gave a halfhearted
struggle but ceased when her fingers resting on the top of his head slid down, massaging
him from the top of his head to the base of his neck in sure, firm, strokes. Had anyone
ever done this for him? His throat burned and he squeezed his eyes shut.

“Asher?” Maddy said, in hushed tones, “can you talk about it?”

He shook his head, but his hands moved from fists at his sides, to curl around her
hips and hold her. Despite the love and support he got from Dee, they were never equals.
He was always the big brother. The one she counted on, not the other way around. They
had been everything to each other. Dee was the first person he loved.

He worried about her when she was away at boarding school, and as they got older,
he was the one who arranged for them to spend holidays together. Then she went through
that partying stage, and he’d been well aware that she was dancing on the edge of
a cliff with a dangerous crowd. He’d been exposed to that, hell, he brushed up against
it on a daily basis in his career — there were a hundred and one paths of self-destruction
on the way to that cliff and he’d learned just how close he could get without going
over. Since his work ethic didn’t allow for endless partying, he’d always been able
to manage that aspect of the life.

The pregnancy saved her. But they were never as close after Ella came. It wasn’t that
Ella supplanted him in Dee’s affections. It was more that he wasn’t sure how to adapt
to their changed status. After she gave birth to Ella, she had renewed confidence,
a focus to her life, and he was too busy to cement the bond with Dee and Ella. She’d
tried to bring him into her new life, but he’d floundered.

The final straw had been her forgiveness of Sterling. Asher gritted his teeth at the
betrayal. If only Dee had been able to see his father for what he was. Anger welled
up in him, his grief mixed with rage. His body shook.

He couldn’t say a word, couldn’t trust himself.

Her hand at his shoulder tightened, but her fingers moved through his hair tenderly.
He could feel her embrace pulling all the despair and rage out of him until he was
limp.

How long had they been out here? She must be freezing. He pushed her hips away and
lifted his head to meet her gaze. Her cheeks were tearstained, her gaze full of concern.

“That damn song and those people with their damn candles,” he said, with a shaky laugh.

“Yeah.”

“Ready?” he asked.

Maddy shook her head and moved to sit next to him on the bench, taking his hand. Hers
was freezing. He took it between his two warm ones. “We need to get you back inside.
It’s cold out here, it can’t be good for — ”

“Tell me about Dee.”

He gulped and turned his head away. “Please, Maddy. I can’t. Not now. I’m hanging
by a thread here.”

“I know, but you need to. And Ella needs to hear about her. Part of helping her through
her grief is acknowledging her mother, talking about your memories.”

“I can’t.” He turned slightly away and freed a hand to rake it through his hair, eyes
downcast.

“Can you at least tell me why you were so overcome in the church?”

“Guilt.”

“Guilt about what?”

Raising his head, he met her concerned gaze and suddenly he couldn’t stop the words.
“You name it. That she had a lonely childhood. That after she had Ella, things were
awkward, our relationship changed and I wasn’t sure how to handle it so I … I avoided
her. But mostly because, when she died I was angry with her for having a relationship
with that son of a bitch we call a dad.” His voiced cracked and he covered his face
with a hand hoping Maddy couldn’t see his tears.

“Do you think she understood where you were coming from?”

He groaned. “I don’t know, Maddy. All I know is we weren’t close and she died before
I had a chance to fix it.”

“But you were there for her, for years and you loved her. I’m sure she knew that.”

He rubbed his lips together. “Yeah. But she wouldn’t listen to me about Sterling.
I all but asked her to make the choice and she kept him.” God this was hard. He could
barely get the words out. “She started spending holidays with him, trying to bring
about our reconciliation. You have to understand, Maddy, even as a kid she always
wanted to see the best in people. She got hurt a lot — I couldn’t protect her from
that, but I was always there to pick up the pieces. I could never understand why she
let our dad into her life. And after all we’d been through, what he put us through,
that was unforgivable. And you know the worst part Maddy? I’m still angry with her.
Still. And she’s dead. And some days I’m so sorry I didn’t have a chance to sort it
out and some days I’m just furious.”

He looked up almost afraid to meet her eyes.

She had the heel of her hand pressed to her mouth, struggling to hold back sobs.

“And I’m afraid to talk to Ella. Afraid she’ll see through me, see my anger and my
self-disgust.”

“She won’t, you know,” Maddy said. “She’ll only see how much you loved her mom.”

He stood and took her in his arms, his eyes dry and burning.

She gripped the wool covering his back and held him tightly, grounding him.

“Is that the most fucked up thing you’ve ever heard?” he asked, shakily.

She shook her head and leaned back to look up at him. “No. It’s just really freaking
sad. And I don’t know what to say, only, I’m sure she loved you. It’s obvious how
much you loved and tried to protect her and I have no doubt that you communicated
that to her while she was still alive, even if you disagreed about your father. You
would have worked it out if you’d had more time.”

He was silent, watching his exhalation cloud the air over her head.

A shiver shook through her.

“Maddy, you’re freezing. Let’s go back in.”

He almost lost it again watching Ella play the role of Magi. No matter how it had
been explained to her, she’d insisted she was a queen and not a king. He gazed heavenward,
blinking gathering moisture from his eyes, praying his sister could be aware of this
moment.

Shane accompanied him on the final two songs, their voices rising and falling in perfect
harmony to a traditional Christmas favorite and then a pop standard about Christmas
and world peace. His gaze lit on Maddy and Ella, smiling and singing along with the
crowd and managed a smile, his heart lightened.

“She’ll be fine, honey. More than fine. I’ve got her little friend, Stella, coming
over for a play date and tea tomorrow,” Mrs. Anderson said, giving Maddy a little
push out the front door.

“Thanks, Mom,” she replied. “If anything changes, let us know. Otherwise we’ll see
you tomorrow.”

Maddy hugged her mom, then turned to give the rented Dodge a dubious look. “Asher,
I dunno about this car, given the weather forecast we may be better off taking my
mom’s four wheel drive,” Maddy said.

“We’ll be fine,” Shane said, getting into the driver’s seat.